I’m quite nervous about Machete Kills. It seems like a movie I should absolutely positively effin’ love, which always makes me nervous about suffering disappointment. Beneath my obviously unmatchably masculine exterior lies a tender heart of an oft-wounded boy. I’m not sure I could handle this movie sucking.
And how can hopes not be high with the stellar sextastic cast involved, including several Latina hotties who showed up to last night’s movie premiere, including notably Alexa Vega and Sofia Vergara. Both play fine body exhibiting roles in this Spanish shlock fest. All the more reason I can not contain my enthusiasm. This better not be a big fall. Enjoy.
Well, if I’m being honest, the Emmy Awards were pretty damn boring My expectations where low, they were met. But like all major award shows, they do bring out some of the finest women on the planet trying to look their finest, and that can never be wrong.
The 2013 Emmy Awards were highlighted by the good looking likes of Sofia Vergara, who steals every red carpet she ever attends, Maria Menounos, a Grecian TV goddess, Heidi Klum, Julie Bowen, Malin Akerman, and several other noteworthy sextastic stars of the small screen. I give the show a C minus, I give these ladies my phone number. Please, call me. Enjoy.
Racial stereotypes, booby darts, and cock guns: These are just a few of the reasons Machete Kills looks like it was made by a bored middle schooler. But is that such a bad thing? After all, if you’re reading Egotastic, you’re probably in touch with your inner twelve-year-old. And like me, you’ll probably enjoy wallowing in Robert Rodriguez‘s crapulence.*
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Honestly, I’d watch Sofia Vergara strut around in an XXL burqa if that’s how she chose to wardrobe herself, such is her level of hotness. The fact that she prefers form fitting clothes, tight tops and stretch pants, or just a pair of tight jeans cruising around town…
… well that’s what I like to call a gift from the gods. A gentle reminder that good looking women become great looking women when their fine female forms are readily within eye-shot. Were I the king of some foreign land, I would make Sofia Vergara my queen and cover her in gold and jewels and some other things that a lady will only really let you do after the gold and jewels. Enjoy.
Jon Favreau’s new comedy, Chef, seems more likely than not to be watchable, but when you add to the mix the addition of Sofia Vergara to the cast, you might as well make it a must-see in my book. Though Sofia will not be flashing her tops nor likely providing us with Miami Spring Breakers type peeks, her curvaceous Colombian body in tight and low cut outfits is more than enough to get me wanting to watch her from all angles as a I munch on eight-dollars of ten-cents worth of popcorn.
Here’s a simple plan for making a successful movie — fill it with hot curvy women with alluring Latina accents. Then add a car chase or maybe a bank robbery or a couple scenes where people outrun explosions and bullets, and you have yourself a hit. You don’t really even need that last part. Sofia makes everything worth watching. Enjoy.
The new Machete Kills trailer has some rather murderous mammaries. No, literally, Sofia Vergara straps machine gun bewbs to her chest and fires them. Yeah. Pretty wild.
If that’s not a perfect indication of how utterly batshit this iteration of Machete will be, I’ll let the trailer speak for itself. Seriously, check it out: Charlie Sheen (as his real name Carlos Estevez) is the president and Lady Gaga does stuff covered in a real live Cuba Gooding, Jr. suit. Amber Heard in a Miss San Antonio sash? What’s crazier than that?
Nothing, my friends. NOTHING.
Oh, and in a shocking ‘just like in real life’ turn, Mel Gibson is the villain.