Bikinis

Tetyana Veryovkina Black Bikini Entrance to Egotastic! and the Miami Hottest Bikini Body Title

Enter a new contestant in the Bikini Battle for Miami Beach. Tetyana Veryovkina, one smoking robust Russian model who has set up T&A camp in a black bikini along the sandy shores of Miami. A fresh entrant to the dozens of ridiculously sextastic two piece wonderments that will soon be flashing full force flesh along the narrow strip of terrain determined to win the trophy I’m currently DIYing in my garage. Well, not my garage, but my neighbor’s who are away on extended holiday and for some reason decided to trust me to water their house plants. They also have power tools which I feel guilty about using since I’ve mostly forgotten to water the plants. I hope they’re succulents.

But back to Tetyana and her stellar bikini body. She’s not as purely slender as some of her multi-national modeling counterparts which I personally find rather alluring. I like a little meat on the bones of women who reject me. It somehow makes it less painful. You throw in a Russian accent and the word ‘nyet’ and I think Tetyana and I already have our dialogue in place. Welcome to Miami, Ms. Veryovkina. I suspect you will be staying a while. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Splash News

Olivia Wilde Bikini Pictures Show Off the Freshly Minted MILFtastic Hottie

If you don’t lust Olivia Wilde, you probably can’t be my friend. How can we be buddies with such a basic fundamental understanding that Olivia Wilde even post baby, or, especially post baby in my own case, is wicked hot and currently fulfilling at least seventeen simultaneous naughty dreams in my mind as I ogle her paddleboarding in a bikini in Hawaii.

Maui to be exact where the passion inducing slender actress and model was working the board, flashing her obviously well-recovered now MILFtastic body, and generally give hard-ons to the local fish population, not to mention gentleman oglers lined up along the beach. The only thing better than Olivia Wilde is a wet Olivia Wilde, much like the only thing better than Olivia Wilde in a bikini is Olivia Wilde in nothing. I don’t like superlatives, but I do engage heavily in comparatives. Olivia Wilde, you are better than brownies. There, I said it. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlyNet

Deimante Guobyte Red Bikini For White Hot Boobtastic Visuals in Miami

The difficultly named, but most definitely hotly bodied Deimante Guobyte has returned to Miami Beach as the swallows to Capistrano to stake her own claim to international hot bikini bodies along the roughest sextastic bikini battle in the world. I’d say her nominating papers look pretty boobtastic.

Deimante is often referred to as singer Maxwell’s girlfriend, which only serves the purpose of making me dislike Maxwell, and imagining the horrible news of his suspicious death from jelly doughnut suffocation. Oh, how I will console Deimante with a shoulder to cry on and many deep tissue massages in areas where she didn’t even realize she had deep tissue. I keep digging until I find. Deimante, please keep coming back to the beach. The world needs you now more than ever. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Splash News

Whitney Port Bikini Booty Vacation Continues in Miami

I’m certain Whitney Port is in Miami for something related to that conspicuously consumptive Art Basel event going on this week along the city’s beach front. I’m also certain it’s been a pleasure seeing the fashion reality star back to her bikini form this week after such a long absence from our little site here. I may not have any understanding of what Whitney does or how she makes her living or who her fans are, but I do know tall girls with sweet butts in bikinis. I mean, I don’t know them as well I would like, but I know them well enough to leer head to toe and then back up again and repeat until satisfied.

Whitney has maintained her sweet bikini form in her absence, something I can’t claim for my own self thanks to my desperate love of pudding and beer. Nevertheless, everybody has their role to play in this great drama we call life. Whitney is doing hers ever so nicely and cleavetastically along the beach in Miami. Bravo on the performance. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlyNet

Chelsea Leyland Bikinis on Miami Beach

DJ and professional sexy person Chelsea Leyland was spotted on Miami Beach in a teeny tiny bikini. The top could barely contain Chelsea’s copious bosoms. In other words, she was busting out in every direction. Chelsea has got herself quite a nice set of turntables, if you know what I mean, (I’m talking about her boobies in case it was unclear). But as if the good Lord wasn’t kind enough with giving her those funbags, He decided in His infinite wisdom to also bestow upon her a pretty magnificent thumper. Seriously, you don’t look at that booty you behold it. I sure would like to beholding it myself but that’s how fools get sent to jail. Look, but don’t touch.

I am not a fan of the electronic music but I would gladly schlep out to some club in the middle of the night to see her bounce up and down in the DJ booth.

Photo Credit: Splash / FameFlyNet

Kelly Bensimon in a White Hot Bikini Poolside in Miami

Real Housewife and genuine hotty Kelly Bensimon was looking seriously sexy in a white bikini in Miami. Kelly is in her forties but you wouldn’t know it from these pictures. She is the very definition of “keeping it tight”, which is no easy feat. She’s got an exemplary pair of ta-tas. If I was a woman and was in the market to get breast implants I would just plop these pictures in front of the doctor and say, “Make my sweater hams look like that”. But if I had to pick one feature about Kelly that I like most it would have to be her booty. It is firm and fully packed. She must do pilates or something because you could bounce quarters off those buns. Not that I’m advocating bouncing coins off of her. That would be a waste of money and might be painful on that gorgeous butt.

Back when I was forced to watch that Real Housewives show she was on I could at least take solace in ogling her thingies. Those were the days.

Photo Credit: Splash News

Anastasia Ashley Bikini Pictures So Athletically Inclined

There’s a story going around about my hot butted surfer girl belusted that birthday suit photos of Anastasia Ashley got stolen from her photographer’s laptop during a recent risque but non-nude shoot in Miami. You know how I feel about theft, even if the ill gotten booty is heavenly bare booty. I’ll have to consult with my priest and my purveyor of dried meats and cheese to work out my true feelings on this one.

In the interim, for a lovely buttockal splash of the finest derriere this side of hang ten, Anastasia and her bitty green bikini gave our hearts a collective pitter patter splatter in Miami, showing off her athletic frame and that seat bottom that is simply tops. While she may have been the victim of a larceny, it may very well be that Anastasia herself is deserving of a light to moderate spanking from Uncle Bill who only has her best interests at hand, so to speak. I give with my left hand and I punish with the right. That’s why all the girls want to be my girlfriend. Please, don’t pinch me, yes, I’m aware I’m dreaming. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Splash News