Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton Soon To Birth My Baby; Let’s Look at Her Last Bikini Pictures

We had these photos up a few months ago, before the Beefeaters showed up at our door demanding removal by force of their halberds. But now that Kate Middleton is about to give birth to a baby rumored to be my own, I thought we should re-issue this look at the best looking royal in over four hundred years in her last known bikini appearance on the private island of Mustique. Well, not so private an island that there wasn’t an Egotastic! friendly dude with a camera roaming the island, but private enough that King James Court and the entire British people went nuts over another exposure of their blue blooded princess.

Given Kate’s superior genes, I suspect she’ll be back into slender shape in no time after our little secret is born and Prince William gets to pretend to be the father. Maybe we’ll even see her in something less than a bikini someday soon too, with a slight hope that motherhood gives a little oomph in her chestal region. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Pregnant Bikini Pictures Ignite Furor Between Chi Magazine and The Royals Once More

Editor’s Note: some or all of the media previously associated with this post has been removed by order of Her Majesty’s Secret Service.


If there’s two things I hate, it’s calling a pregnant woman’s belly a ‘baby bump’ (it’s something lazy kitschy girl celeb bloggers like to write when in girlfriend mode), and, royal family outrage over people taking pictures of their future Queen, Kate Middleton, now carrying the future heir to the throne (which may or may not be mine, depending on which tabloids you read, though I adamantly deny it). Let’s just say the ‘Princess Diana’ card has been played to the hilt once more.

Once again, our friends at Chi magazine have scooped the entire world, including both oglers, and pearl clutching aghast royal family defenders, with telescopic pics of Kate Middleton bikini pictures quite early pregnant and delving into the fun and sun provided on the private Caribbean island resort of Mustique, where for just $50,000 a night, you can have your own private, err, nearly private, villa to let your regal beagle loose on the beach. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we were hoping for more topless shots, but I suppose that ship sailed for the last time the last time Chi shocked the blue-bloods.

Read More:

U.K. TV channel has to apologize for showing these Kate Middleton Bikini photos.

Chi magazine publisher defends publishing Kate Middleton photos, says Brits overreacting greatly

Kate Middleton Carrying My Baby, Err, Prince Bill’s Baby, And Still Looking Fine

At the unveiling of her official portrait in Central London, Kate Middleton, the future Queen of England, the Duchess of Cambridge, and rumored to be my baby mama (though I continue to adamantly public deny conjugal relations with her royal highness, especially that part about forming the London Bridge), looked mighty fine as the future line of Windsor lay tucked in her babymaker.

We’ve always said that, despite needing a tea sandwich or three, Kate Middleton is the best looking British monarch since the invention of the camera (and those older portraits don’t really show many hotties in the ruling line), and now bursting with life, Kate continues to show why her genes might just bring a future handsome or hot rules of the kingdom. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Pregnant! St. James Palace Issues Announcement, As Does Bill Swift, Editor of Egotastic!

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.

– http://www.dukeandduchessofcambridge.org

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From the Desk of Bill Swift, Editor, Egotastic.com and TheRudeThingsIDoToPlasticGirlDolls.com

To Whom It May Concern:

While media reports continue to circulate surrounding potential paternity of the newly announced pregnancy of Kate Middleton, I must strongly and completely almost kind of maybe deny any involvement in the production of the heir to the Windsor Royal Family.

While I will not deny talks earlier this Spring regarding the potential assist of my highly potent spermatozoa for exploiration by the Duchess of Cambridge as her marital coupling with Prince William continued to produce no child month after month, nor will I deny being on the English Isle during the late summer and early fall of this year consuming nothing but oysters and mango-yohimbe root smoothies for two weeks straight, nor can I deny semi-frequent private meetings between the Duchess and myself for late evening kinky lingerie personal modeling sessions, nor will I go on record as denying that I know how babies are made and have practiced their production since the age of seventeen, fifteen if you count a ‘tip’ dare at computer camp with Lisa Espinoza, but, on this especially joyous day for The Royal Family and the Kingdom of Great Britain, I have nothing further to say, oh, other than you won’t find any stains ON Kate Middleton’s blue dress she wore on or about August 28.

Any additional questions regarding the absolutely almost entirely false assertion that I may have just singlehandedly, actually, no-handedly (but I like to show off), saved the Windsor Family line, should be directed toward my attorney at LegalZoom.com

Thank you for your time.

Kate Middleton Regal Beaver on Fuzzy, Blurry Display in Newly Released Danish Gossip Magazine Pics


Danish magazine Se og Hør went and posted their second set of Kate Middleton topless vacation pictures and it includes a fuzzy, zoomy, but bushy photos of Kate Middleton, the future first lady of England.

Now, the quality is quite low, and while we can say with some level of dubious certainty that brunette is the Duchess’ all over color, we can’t honestly say we’ve seen queenly quim. But, I think we can rest easy knowing there’s at least been a monarchial muff sighting. And, likely, more pictures to come. Sally forth!

Kate Middleton Topless Pictures Make Their Freshly Scandalous Clearer Rounds in Scandinavian Magazine

Kate Middleton Topless Balcony Photos in Se Og Hor Magazine
Click to See Uncensored

Jeg kan virkelig lide den!

Danish magazine Se og Hør (Look and Listen, or, you know, Ogle and Leer in this case) has published mostly the same, one addition, but slightly better quality photos of Kate Middleton topless from her regally scandalous French sunbathing vacation with Prince Bill. Apparently, the Danes aren’t aware that the House of Windsor in the U.K. are calling these photos ‘barbaric’ and ‘grotesque’ and tantamount to crimes against humanity to show the bare funbags of their future queen. Or, maybe they just don’t dig flapjacks as much as the rest of the world?

As always, we’ll keep you abreast of this situation. Enjoy.

(Dear Kate, you will get past this. Might we suggest a royal bun in the oven to completely change the conversation? Just keep pushing William to rub lotion on your bare butt crack and it should happen eventually. If not, we stand at full readiness to complete the task.)


Kate Middleton Caught Topless On Her Balcony, an Egotastic Celebrity Re-Enactment (VIDEO)

The Real Story Behind the Scandal!

Sometimes, I wonder about the sanity of the good and decent parolees that fill the ranks of our staff here at Egotastic! I could read the psych evaluations and wonder less, but, it’s far more fun to play the guessing game, ‘What Got That Dude 5150′d?’

When I asked our feature writer Jack Tomas to help cover the Kate Middleton topless photo scandal by producing an accurate re-creation of the events of that fateful day on the mansion balcony in Provence, well, let’s just say I think most of the production budget went to feed his green thumb fetish. Dude loves his crocus bulbs.

Still, I think we have a fairly accurate depiction of Kate and Bill and long-distance telescopic lens makes three. I do remind you viewers, this is not 100% science. Enjoy.