Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton Pregnant! St. James Palace Issues Announcement, As Does Bill Swift, Editor of Egotastic!

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.

-- http://www.dukeandduchessofcambridge.org

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

From the Desk of Bill Swift, Editor, Egotastic.com and TheRudeThingsIDoToPlasticGirlDolls.com

To Whom It May Concern:

While media reports continue to circulate surrounding potential paternity of the newly announced pregnancy of Kate Middleton, I must strongly and completely almost kind of maybe deny any involvement in the production of the heir to the Windsor Royal Family.

While I will not deny talks earlier this Spring regarding the potential assist of my highly potent spermatozoa for exploiration by the Duchess of Cambridge as her marital coupling with Prince William continued to produce no child month after month, nor will I deny being on the English Isle during the late summer and early fall of this year consuming nothing but oysters and mango-yohimbe root smoothies for two weeks straight, nor can I deny semi-frequent private meetings between the Duchess and myself for late evening kinky lingerie personal modeling sessions, nor will I go on record as denying that I know how babies are made and have practiced their production since the age of seventeen, fifteen if you count a 'tip' dare at computer camp with Lisa Espinoza, but, on this especially joyous day for The Royal Family and the Kingdom of Great Britain, I have nothing further to say, oh, other than you won't find any stains ON Kate Middleton's blue dress she wore on or about August 28.

Any additional questions regarding the absolutely almost entirely false assertion that I may have just singlehandedly, actually, no-handedly (but I like to show off), saved the Windsor Family line, should be directed toward my attorney at LegalZoom.com

Thank you for your time.

Kate Middleton Regal Beaver on Fuzzy, Blurry Display in Newly Released Danish Gossip Magazine Pics

 

Danish magazine Se og Hør went and posted their second set of Kate Middleton topless vacation pictures and it includes a fuzzy, zoomy, but bushy photos of Kate Middleton, the future first lady of England.

Now, the quality is quite low, and while we can say with some level of dubious certainty that brunette is the Duchess' all over color, we can't honestly say we've seen queenly quim. But, I think we can rest easy knowing there's at least been a monarchial muff sighting. And, likely, more pictures to come. Sally forth!

Kate Middleton Topless Pictures Make Their Freshly Scandalous Clearer Rounds in Scandinavian Magazine

 

Jeg kan virkelig lide den!

Danish magazine Se og Hør (Look and Listen, or, you know, Ogle and Leer in this case) has published mostly the same, one addition, but slightly better quality photos of Kate Middleton topless from her regally scandalous French sunbathing vacation with Prince Bill. Apparently, the Danes aren't aware that the House of Windsor in the U.K. are calling these photos 'barbaric' and 'grotesque' and tantamount to crimes against humanity to show the bare funbags of their future queen. Or, maybe they just don't dig flapjacks as much as the rest of the world?

As always, we'll keep you abreast of this situation. Enjoy.

(Dear Kate, you will get past this. Might we suggest a royal bun in the oven to completely change the conversation? Just keep pushing William to rub lotion on your bare butt crack and it should happen eventually. If not, we stand at full readiness to complete the task.)

Kate Middleton Caught Topless On Her Balcony, an Egotastic Celebrity Re-Enactment (VIDEO)

The Real Story Behind the Scandal!
Kate Middleton Topless
Kate Middleton Topless Sunbathing on Holiday
The Closer Magazine pictures that started the scandal Read More »
Kate Topless in Chi
Kate Middleton Topless Sunbathing on Holiday in Chi Magazine
The Italians took over from the French in publishing the topless pics Read More »

Sometimes, I wonder about the sanity of the good and decent parolees that fill the ranks of our staff here at Egotastic! I could read the psych evaluations and wonder less, but, it's far more fun to play the guessing game, 'What Got That Dude 5150'd?'

When I asked our feature writer Jack Tomas to help cover the Kate Middleton topless photo scandal by producing an accurate re-creation of the events of that fateful day on the mansion balcony in Provence, well, let's just say I think most of the production budget went to feed his green thumb fetish. Dude loves his crocus bulbs.

Still, I think we have a fairly accurate depiction of Kate and Bill and long-distance telescopic lens makes three. I do remind you viewers, this is not 100% science. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Topless Pictures Now Flowing Out of the Boot! Chi Magazine Defies Threats from Buckingham Palace!

 

(Credit: Chi magazine (a sampling of the over 200 revealing photos Chi magazine claims to have of the Duchess. You'll have to purchase the magazine to see them in, well, magazine quality.)

Talk about your black leather glove slaps across the face, publishers of Chi magazine defied the onslaught of continental-sized threats from the Royal Family and has this morning published additional photographs of Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge and future Queen of England, topless from her French vacation at Prince Bill's cousin's petite mansion getaway in Provence.

As you no doubt remember, late last week, Closer magazine posted the first set of such topless Kate Middleton photos and also claimed to have intimate video of the royal couple engaging in an act that I suppose is intended to extend the Windsor line. But Closer has publicly stated it is withholding further publication of any Kate Middleton material.

(READ: YouPorn.com offers 'open checkbook' to Closer magazine for the unpublished sex photos of Bill and Kate.)

But, not so Chi magazine, which has shown big brass in revealing more of the regal beagles golden peaches this morning. Where will it all end? Who knows, we only hope it never ends. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Topless in Closer Magazine! Somebody Snapped My Future Baby Mama Topless!

 

UPDATED: We wanted to note that Kate Middleton was not at a 'resort' when snapped, but at Prince Bill's cousin's French retreat. All of which makes us wonder more how security let somebody with a camera lens get so close to the future Queen of England?

READ: The Royal family furious over Closer magazine's topless photos of Kate Middleton

The Royal Family might be calling this a true shame, but even I, as the future and proud sire of between nine and seventeen children with Kate Middleton, the future Queen of England, am pleased that Closer magazine has produced telescopic visuals of the bare chest of my beloved Kate. Those will be the source of nourishment for our future brood.

Not quite a dramatic reveal as her cousin Katrina Darling performs the boobtastic flash, but Kate Middleton did decide to go for a tan-line free tan when on vacation recently in Provence with Prince Bill and them there is the results of a tree line photographer of some resourcefulness.

All the royal watchers are up in arms, clutching their pearls about the recent Prince Harry nekkid partying in Vegas scandal, and now this, Kate Middleton sunbathing topless. Oh, grow up. The Kids Are Alright.

Credit to: Closer magazine and Gakatan.com and EgoReader 'Oliv'' on the Twitbird.

Is Kate Middleton Carrying the Egotastic! Baby?

With world-class hottie princess Kate Middleton touring former regions of the British Empire in Southeast Asia, rumors are swirling that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant with the heir to the throne of England. As you know, when it became apparent many months, nay, a year plus, after their wedding and Prince Bill still showing no signs of making male offspring with his beautiful bride, we offered to step in with our fecund appendage to build out the Windsor family line one Kate Middleton regal beagle boot knocking session at a time. We thought our offer rather charitable.

Now, as you might imagine, tons of paperwork was involved, non-disclosure agreements, hush-hush on adding the commoner seed to the royal line, etc., etc. So, as to whether or not Kate Middleton is preggo or not with a son uniquely obsessed with boobs and butts, well, no official comment. But as to whether there's a beachside motel room in Brighton still baring the after-mess of Pepperidge Farm cookie crumbles and dozens of empty tubes of Astroglide three months since, still no comment, just a knowing smile. Enjoy.