Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton Topless in Closer Magazine! Somebody Snapped My Future Baby Mama Topless!

 

UPDATED: We wanted to note that Kate Middleton was not at a 'resort' when snapped, but at Prince Bill's cousin's French retreat. All of which makes us wonder more how security let somebody with a camera lens get so close to the future Queen of England?

READ: The Royal family furious over Closer magazine's topless photos of Kate Middleton

The Royal Family might be calling this a true shame, but even I, as the future and proud sire of between nine and seventeen children with Kate Middleton, the future Queen of England, am pleased that Closer magazine has produced telescopic visuals of the bare chest of my beloved Kate. Those will be the source of nourishment for our future brood.

Not quite a dramatic reveal as her cousin Katrina Darling performs the boobtastic flash, but Kate Middleton did decide to go for a tan-line free tan when on vacation recently in Provence with Prince Bill and them there is the results of a tree line photographer of some resourcefulness.

All the royal watchers are up in arms, clutching their pearls about the recent Prince Harry nekkid partying in Vegas scandal, and now this, Kate Middleton sunbathing topless. Oh, grow up. The Kids Are Alright.

Credit to: Closer magazine and Gakatan.com and EgoReader 'Oliv'' on the Twitbird.

Is Kate Middleton Carrying the Egotastic! Baby?

With world-class hottie princess Kate Middleton touring former regions of the British Empire in Southeast Asia, rumors are swirling that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant with the heir to the throne of England. As you know, when it became apparent many months, nay, a year plus, after their wedding and Prince Bill still showing no signs of making male offspring with his beautiful bride, we offered to step in with our fecund appendage to build out the Windsor family line one Kate Middleton regal beagle boot knocking session at a time. We thought our offer rather charitable.

Now, as you might imagine, tons of paperwork was involved, non-disclosure agreements, hush-hush on adding the commoner seed to the royal line, etc., etc. So, as to whether or not Kate Middleton is preggo or not with a son uniquely obsessed with boobs and butts, well, no official comment. But as to whether there's a beachside motel room in Brighton still baring the after-mess of Pepperidge Farm cookie crumbles and dozens of empty tubes of Astroglide three months since, still no comment, just a knowing smile. Enjoy.

An Ode to Kate Middleton, Our Number One Olympics Fan (and Future Baby Mama)

Whilst we linger on the fine bodies of the female athletes this past week during the 2012 Summer Olympic games, let us not forget the face in the crowd ever-cheering on her British squad, and ever reminding us of our siring duties to come, Kate Middleton, the excitable and regally hot sports fan.

While Prince Bill has been off riding his ponies (and, you know, perhaps if he mounted his wife as often as his beloved steeds, we'd not have an heirless problem at the moment), the alluring and ever-smiling, clapping, and bouncing up and down Kate Middleton has been the head cheerleader for the host team. And now that we're thinking about Kate Middleton in a cheerleader uniform, we do need to remove ourselves toward the cold showers for a 20 minute icing down. A tapering if you will. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Is Getting Hotter and Hotter; Somebody Needs to Get Her Pregnant

I think it's some kind of magic of Merlin, but Kate Middleton is just going to get better and better looking until somebody finally gets her pregnant. If Prince Bill is not up the task, let's just say I've got a four-pack of cold Zima and some hot plans on how to produce several male, female, and odd-looking triplet heirs to the royal family line. And I'm ready to go right now.

Kate was out doing what she does best yesterday, looking super interested on a tour of some important place, in this case the Royal Academy of Arts, and looking like the hottest future queen of England since Anne Boleyn.

Look, if the Cardinals and Ministers need to watch me perform the actual mating process, I'm down with that. Nothing should stand in the way of saving the Empire. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Keeps the Olympic Torch Burning With Her Pep and Vigor and Skintight Pants

While we're continuing to explore the hotness of the Olympic games athlete, let us not forget the royal-blooded Olympic games hostess with the most-ess, Kate Midldeton, our lustable regal Duchess, who oversaw the running of the Olympic torch through Buckingham Palace just prior to its final rotation in the televised mini-series that was the Opening Ceremony.

While the history of England was depicted so musical theatrically for five hours in that ceremony, it failed to predict the future of England which we personally intend to secure with the impregnation of Kate Middleton, to provide heirs to the Windsor throne, a little assistance for Prince Bill who seems to be losing his hair whilst fumbling at attempts to produce an offspring. We shall have no such trouble, for the sight of the Duchess in blue-blood tight pants has us ready to produce no less than a baker's dozen buns in her delicious oven, right now, behind the bushes of the palace.

Call us, Kate. Reverse the charges, we'll still pick up. Enjoy.

Prince Bill Macking With the Cocker Instead of Banging the Regal Beagle (VIDEO)

We May Never Get Royal Babies!

At this rate, we're never going to see any royal offspring.

As you know, and as MI-5 has been previously alerted, it is my intention to someday soon, charge the gates of the palace and borrow Kate Middleton from her tower keep and spend approximately 4-7 years making her repeatedly with child by sheer force of royal booting loving. And this might just be a good thing.

Over the weekend, following his polo tournament ('nuff said), Prince William ran to the sidelines where his hot brunette Duchess wife sat in her tight jeans and made straight for the royal Cocker-Spaniel for a big smoochie smoochie, completely ignoring his babe-wife. At this rate, let's be honest, even a bastard Egotastic! baby is a technical heir. The kingdom needs me. And I stand firmly at the ready! Enjoy.

Have I Mentioned Lately How Many Royal Babies I’m Going to Make With Kate Middleton?

The Duchess of Cambridge and the lust of my not so regal loins has been out and about this past week helping to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth, which apparently is a monster to-do in England, even bigger than the Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark reunion performance this July, or maybe about the same level of buzz.

Kate Middleton just makes me want to charge with my lance drawn headlong into her ramparts and secrete her from the tower jail cell where they keep her in betwixt making appearances with various balding members of the House of Windsor to honor their royal rule. And when she's in red, looking all formally done up, she just looks like a Go Sign of fertility, with whom I want to make many half-blooded offspring (half blue blood, half blood with a BAC of approximately .17 most days). Oh, Kate, hit me up on your royal Twitter account please, we must be together. Enjoy.