Kate Middleton

An Ode to Kate Middleton, Our Number One Olympics Fan (and Future Baby Mama)

Whilst we linger on the fine bodies of the female athletes this past week during the 2012 Summer Olympic games, let us not forget the face in the crowd ever-cheering on her British squad, and ever reminding us of our siring duties to come, Kate Middleton, the excitable and regally hot sports fan.

While Prince Bill has been off riding his ponies (and, you know, perhaps if he mounted his wife as often as his beloved steeds, we'd not have an heirless problem at the moment), the alluring and ever-smiling, clapping, and bouncing up and down Kate Middleton has been the head cheerleader for the host team. And now that we're thinking about Kate Middleton in a cheerleader uniform, we do need to remove ourselves toward the cold showers for a 20 minute icing down. A tapering if you will. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Is Getting Hotter and Hotter; Somebody Needs to Get Her Pregnant

I think it's some kind of magic of Merlin, but Kate Middleton is just going to get better and better looking until somebody finally gets her pregnant. If Prince Bill is not up the task, let's just say I've got a four-pack of cold Zima and some hot plans on how to produce several male, female, and odd-looking triplet heirs to the royal family line. And I'm ready to go right now.

Kate was out doing what she does best yesterday, looking super interested on a tour of some important place, in this case the Royal Academy of Arts, and looking like the hottest future queen of England since Anne Boleyn.

Look, if the Cardinals and Ministers need to watch me perform the actual mating process, I'm down with that. Nothing should stand in the way of saving the Empire. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Keeps the Olympic Torch Burning With Her Pep and Vigor and Skintight Pants

While we're continuing to explore the hotness of the Olympic games athlete, let us not forget the royal-blooded Olympic games hostess with the most-ess, Kate Midldeton, our lustable regal Duchess, who oversaw the running of the Olympic torch through Buckingham Palace just prior to its final rotation in the televised mini-series that was the Opening Ceremony.

While the history of England was depicted so musical theatrically for five hours in that ceremony, it failed to predict the future of England which we personally intend to secure with the impregnation of Kate Middleton, to provide heirs to the Windsor throne, a little assistance for Prince Bill who seems to be losing his hair whilst fumbling at attempts to produce an offspring. We shall have no such trouble, for the sight of the Duchess in blue-blood tight pants has us ready to produce no less than a baker's dozen buns in her delicious oven, right now, behind the bushes of the palace.

Call us, Kate. Reverse the charges, we'll still pick up. Enjoy.

Prince Bill Macking With the Cocker Instead of Banging the Regal Beagle (VIDEO)

We May Never Get Royal Babies!

At this rate, we're never going to see any royal offspring.

As you know, and as MI-5 has been previously alerted, it is my intention to someday soon, charge the gates of the palace and borrow Kate Middleton from her tower keep and spend approximately 4-7 years making her repeatedly with child by sheer force of royal booting loving. And this might just be a good thing.

Over the weekend, following his polo tournament ('nuff said), Prince William ran to the sidelines where his hot brunette Duchess wife sat in her tight jeans and made straight for the royal Cocker-Spaniel for a big smoochie smoochie, completely ignoring his babe-wife. At this rate, let's be honest, even a bastard Egotastic! baby is a technical heir. The kingdom needs me. And I stand firmly at the ready! Enjoy.

Have I Mentioned Lately How Many Royal Babies I’m Going to Make With Kate Middleton?

The Duchess of Cambridge and the lust of my not so regal loins has been out and about this past week helping to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth, which apparently is a monster to-do in England, even bigger than the Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark reunion performance this July, or maybe about the same level of buzz.

Kate Middleton just makes me want to charge with my lance drawn headlong into her ramparts and secrete her from the tower jail cell where they keep her in betwixt making appearances with various balding members of the House of Windsor to honor their royal rule. And when she's in red, looking all formally done up, she just looks like a Go Sign of fertility, with whom I want to make many half-blooded offspring (half blue blood, half blood with a BAC of approximately .17 most days). Oh, Kate, hit me up on your royal Twitter account please, we must be together. Enjoy.

When Kate Middleton Flashes Leg, I See My Life Flashing Before Me

As you know, I've had plans in place for some time now to rescue Kate Middleton from the House of Windsor, specifically, Buckingham Palace and her life of dedication to the crown and Prince Bill. But only after she becomes Queen will she become my queen, as I charge the ramparts with nothing but my trustee steed ('92 Corolla) and my lance (okay, you know what that is) and whisk away her royal hotness to the woods of Sherwood where together we're dine on spitfire roaster possum and raw sex.

That's the plan at least. And every time Kate shows up in public looking like she did at the Claridge Hotel last evening in London, her lean hot royal body and regal beagle on display, not to mention a little leg beneath a slit in her dress, well, all the details of the plan, a likely suicide mission, it all just flashes before me eyes like Destiny itself.

Honestly, I'd settle for just an above the knee caress before my beheading. Enjoy.

Kate Middleton Feline Hot at ‘African Cats’ Premiere

As you may know, after Kate Middleton becomes the Queen of England, she and I have a secret plan to abscond with her from the castle and take her to the woods to be my rebel hottie squeeze. The plan is so secret that not even Kate knows about it yet, only my allergists, the right and honorable Dr. Franz Ketchum, who has been inoculating me with various antibodies for several months now so my peat moss allergies won't cause me undue discomfort when I do abscond to a woodland environment.

I can't remember a royal that I just liked leering at so much as the Duchess of Cambridge. Out at a screening for the film African Cats, with Prince Bill somewhere in tow, Kate just compels me to want to scale her battlements and enter her humid castle keep with my lance extended. That's it, I've run out of crude analogies. Enjoy.