Yup. Stalin. Versus Martians. What the hell could go wrong with an awesome idea like that? Absolutely freaking everything, that’s what. Buckle up, gentlemen. This is a real slice of shite right here.
You know how it can be with celebrities. After their star has waned and their fifteen minutes of fame is over, nobody is assed any more. You’re like that depressed fat guy at Comic Con, the forgotten has-been from a sci-fi show that got cancelled in 1978. Who wants your autograph? No bastard does.
All that’s left for these guys is to appear in terrible celebrity reality shows. It’s a similar deal for history’s crazy dictators, who have to appear in ballache strategy games like this.
Stalin vs Martians is a parody of the familiar World War II RTS games. You know the sort of thing: tiny tanks and tinier dudes blow each others’ asses off in relentlessly brown landscapes with dramatic explosions-amundo. For this one, though, it’s all a little different.
Now, I’m no nerdly historian, but I’ve never heard of ol’ Joseph and his Soviets doing battle with martians. But hey, that’s the kind of interesting anecdote you miss when you don’t pay attention in class. The game’s official site sets the scene:
‘Year 1942. Summer. The martians suddenly land somewhere in Siberia and attack the glorious people of Holy Mother Russia. It is a hard time for USSR as you might know from the history books if you ever attended school. The situation is really f**ked up, so comrade Stalin takes the anti-ET military operation under his personal control. The operation is a top secret and virtually nobody knows about the fact of extraterrestial intervention.’
Those goddamn aliens. Was 1942 not enough of a shitstorm already?
Anywho, what follows is some of the most piss-takey gameplay you’ll ever see. The general unit-maneuvering battling and such is relatively conventional, in theory. But then the toontastic Monty Python-style slapstick comes in. As do Red Army tanks against that three-eyed alien dude from Toy Story. And the disco soundtrack, accompanied by Stalin getting his sixties groove on.
I don’t know why this is a thing. I don’t know why promo wallpapers exist depicting comrade Stalin looking at a map of the world, with the thought bubble caption ‘me so horny.’ But hey. Some things just are, and it’s fruitless to question them.
Images via Stalin vs Martians.