Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Get Your Badass Breakfast On, Zelda Style

See this? This is pretty damn cool, right here. Or rather, it’s the polar opposite of cool, which makes it all the effing cooler.

As we know, mornings suck. Monday mornings? They’re the suckiest suck that ever sucked. You know the routine: you’ll hit the snooze button seventeen times, wish you were dead a little, and begrudgingly haul your ass out of bed. Whereupon you’ll step barefoot on one of (your name here) Jr’s legos, just because it’s Monday and Mondays are shit.

That’s the usual rigmarole, anyway. What we need is a way to make our breakfast experiences a little more badass. Which is where Fountain City Coffee of Columbus, Georgia come in.

Feast your eyes on their wondrously nerdly menu. As that ol’ bearded bastard from the original NES Zelda said,
“It’s dangerous to go alone. Take a muffin, a scone, some bacon and some mozzarella cheese!”

Fountain City Coffee, we like your style.

Via Reddit.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Changes Multiplayer Forever… Apparently (VIDEO)

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare 2
Titanfall? Is that you?

This, right here, is an excitable trailer. We’ve got PR-tastic hyperbole like ‘transcends the line between game and film’ and ‘profound reinvention of Call of Duty multiplayer’ in our faces, and you can’t argue with that. That means put your pants back on and pay attention.

In the gaming world, there are few big effing deals bigger or effing-er than Call of Duty. As such, it’s fair to expect fans to be protective. To care. To bitch at the Internet ‘til they can bitch no more if there’s any upheaval afoot.

That’s the thing with games. Change too much, and there’s boycotts and petty whining and/or death threats-amundo. Change too little, and the same applies, just from somebody else.

The lesson? As Grandma Egotastic always said, you can’t please everyone. “Especially not gamers,” she added, “because a lot of them are assholes.” So what the hell are we to make of this? How can Advanced Warfare be both a ‘profound reinvention’ and ‘the Call of Duty fans have been asking for?’

We don’t know. Perhaps this trailer does.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When ‘Street Fighter’ Mocks Facebook Status Douchery (VIDEO)

Whacked- Facebook Fighter
Hashtags on Facebook? You monster!

You know that friend you have, the one that you secretly think is a bit of an asshole? Or rather, a huge one, with big ol’ bells dangling from him/her? Well, we’ve got one too. Everybody does.

You probably see them on Facebook, prattling about their lives. But it’s not a regular life. Not work, sleep and eating baked bins straight from the tin with the drapes shut like a lonely gaucho. That’s for everybody else, the feeble mortals orbiting around them. These effers are special.

When their baby takes a dump, you’re hearing about it. You’re liking the photo of said urchin’s turd and giving it a gushing comment, or you’re effing well explaining why you haven’t. You know the sort. These are the people who make us believe Zuckerberg should be arrested for incitement to mass dickishness.

So how about a little Friday morning piss-takery? The above clip, directed by Dennis Liu, combines Facebook ballaches with Street Fighter (because sometimes the great ideas are just right in front of you). It’s more than a little cheese-tacular, but you’ve got to give it props for accuracy.

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Revolution X,’ the Aerosmith-Branded Shooter

Ricky Wilson, frontman of Brit-tastic shit-tastic pop prattlers Kaiser Chiefs, once exclaimed that he would “...wank off a tramp for success.” This probably tells you all you need to know about the depths celebrities will sink to. Hulk Hogan appeared in the worst breakfast cereal commercial ever in the eighties. Arnold Schwarzenegger hawked questionable barbecues on the shopping channel. And Aerosmith?

Well, those hairy bastards are (kinda sorta) responsible for Revolution X. It would’ve been better if they’d just gotten their hoboeroticism on, like good ol’ Ricky.
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‘WWE 2K15’ Gameplay Trailer Brings More Manly Bravado Than You Can Handle (VIDEO)

WWE 2K15
Shouldn't you be on the toilet right now, Hulk?

Wrestling, as we know, is a manly business. It’s delightfully brutal, tendon-twisty, neck-snappy and joint-cracky. It’s the roughest, badassiest, not-actually-happening sport there is. Even the women have arms like effing Popeye.

As such, there’s a whole lot of bravado on display. Can you smell what The Rock is cookin’? He’s cooking pure motherfudgin’ awesome and dude-ish dudery, that’s what he’s cooking. And so are the rest of these guys. They’re all about the drama.

As is this first gameplay trailer from WWE 2K15. Who the hell wants actual ‘gameplay’ in their gameplay trailers? Nuts to that. Instead, here’s a procession of beefy dudes gurning angrily at the camera/otherwise dicking about. There’s Bray Wyatt with that creepy-ass The Exorcist spider walk of his. There’s Triple H doing something that’s sure as hell going to smart in the morning to that other guy. And there’s the one with the shit beard, gesticulating like a Fascist dictator.

It’s exciting stuff, we’re sure you’ll agree. We had to lie down awhile after watching. WWE 2K15 hits PS3 and Xbox 360 on October 28, and Xbox One and PS4 November 18.

‘Sunset Overdrive’ Isn’t for Fat Guys

You may be familiar with Sunset Overdrive. It’s a demented Jet Grind Radio-esque toontastic shitstorm of a shooter, with quite possibly the greatest plot in recent video games. Our protagonist is a worker at an energy drink factory, who are holding a spangly cocktail party to celebrate the release of their latest product. Amid all the debauchery, people begin to mutate into ghastly-ass beasts from the power of the drink.

You know what energy drinks can be like. Anywho, this sort of thing tends to put a bit of a downer on these PRtastic events. It also leaves the player character to clear up the mess. With guns and violence, naturally.

One much-ballyhooed selling point of Sunset Overdrive has been its customization aspects, allowing you to craft your guy/gal however you wish. It’s pretty damn extensive, too (“I made a very nice bearded lady with tiny mouths for eyes,” quoth Kotaku). Unless you’re a fat bastard, that is. The ample gentlemen among us are out of luck.

Yep, you can wear any ridiculous costume you wish, or have tiny wangs running down your arms or whatever. But what you can’t do is adjust your body shape. There’s no Sims-y weight slider here. And why? In the words of the game’s director,
"A lot of Bethesda games have weight sliders too. We wanted something more tailored. We wanted a little more control over the style and types of characters players can create while still providing an incredible number of options. We wanted to put our time into wild outfits instead of technology to bloat up people or bloat them down."

So there it is.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Medieval- Total War

As 80‘s New Wave shit-tacular Tears for Fears once sang, Everybody Wants to Rule the World. What ‘everybody’ forgets, though, is what a pain in the ass that would actually be. All paperwork, board meetings and huge fancy-ass lunches on expenses. Who the hell has time for that?

Fear not though, gentlemen. There’s a non-tedious (if slightly historical, but don’t worry about learning anything) way to work off your megalomaniacal tendencies. Namely The Creative Assembly’s Total War series.
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