Maybe you thought the Doom Marine was the pinnacle of mantastic in gaming. Cruising straight into the mouth of hell armed only with a pistol and a furious scowl? That takes some mothereffin’ chutzpah, right there.
Well, angry-ass gonad biting eyeball demons are one thing, but dinosaurs? Those bastards, you don’t screw with. When you’re taking a dump, they’ll mozy straight on in through the toilet wall and chew on your face. These guys have no damn clue about acceptable social etiquette.
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Hey, Resident Evil. What happened, dude? You used to be cool. I still remember the good old days of DON’T open THAT DOOR, Jill sandwiches and masters of unlocking. Of piss-poor voice acting, Wesker being an asshole and snakes that are huge and ALSO POISONOUS.
These were the days before survival horror became the kind of balls-out actiontastic you wouldn’t see outside of a Schwarzenegger movie. More recent releases in the franchise have been completely unrecognisable.
Well, Revelations aside. This 2012 release got its shit together and harkened back the series’ roots. It was a deft blend of the over-the-shoulder TPS controls and the explore-y, puzzle-solve-y style that Resident Evil had been lacking of late. For many players, it was enough to excuse a multitude of recent sins.
If you’re one of those players, you’d better hold on to your undercrackers, because it’s sequel o’clock. Resident Evil Revelations 2 arrives in early 2015, and it’s time for the hype train to start hauling ass ‘round the track. To that end, here’s ten minutes of sweet, sweet gameplay footage for you to suckle on, fresh from Kotaku.
And lo, it arriveth. Here’s Call of Duty again, righteously stomping its iron jackboots into the gonads of feeble, lesser games that might’ve actually wanted some sales any time soon.
Well, that’s a little BS right there. Ghosts didn’t live up to the popularity of Black Ops II, after all. But then that was an international cashtacular black hole (surpassed only by Grand Theft Auto V), so how could it? Besides, Activision had a convenient ‘it was the transition to the next-gen consoles’ excuse to blame the decline on, so their asses were covered.
Anywho, let’s not dwell on the past. As grandma used to say, ‘stop dwelling on the mothereffin’ past.’ Here in the present, it’s release day (Zero) for Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare.
And if you didn’t think there’d be a fancy-ass new live action trailer coming at you to mark the occasion, you don’t know Call of Duty very well. This one is full of all our favorite things: manly bravado, a sexy lady, explosions out the wazzoo and a horny goat. What more could you ask for on a Monday morning?
Nothing, that’s what.
That’s next-gen in the ‘current-gen’ sense, naturally. Because current-gen (that being the Xbox 360 and PS3) is now last-gen, making next-gen (PS4 and Xbox One) now merely current-gen. The gaming world speeds onwards, unrelenting; a badass renegade heading straight into the mouth of hell on grandma’s mobility scooter. If you can’t keep up, you’ll be left behind.
Anywho, as you’ve probably noticed, Grand Theft Auto V is on its way to current/next gen consoles. It’s a little late to the party, as the game’s already been out in the wild for over a year at this point. Which leaves Rockstar the usual dilemma: every bastard who cares has bought it already. Did you see how it sold? That was madness, right there.
Well, no. That’s BS. Certain canny players did wait for the inevitable upgraded edition, and here it is coming at their faces. But so many of us have already finished Michael, Franklin and Trevor’s stories, and we’ll need a little pursuading to drop our cashtacular a second time.
Well, consider our asses persuaded. Earlier this week, Destructoid brought us a report on the new content coming to the game, exclusively for returning players. It sounds pretty damn extensive:
‘The scope of the exclusive content spans almost all facets of GTA V — from vehicles to weapons to missions. Some of the highlights are the Dodo seaplane, the Rail Gun, and murder mysteries to solve as Michael. As if that weren’t enough, completing objectives unlocks even more special content.’
It all sounds quite promising. Hit the link for more.
There is (almost) nothing that Mike Tyson can’t do. Quite apart from being undisputed heavyweight champion of the world back in the day, there’s also that ear-bitin’ party trick of his. And, y’know, everything else. I hear he’s a killer accordion player. I just wish that he’d remember to ask people before having sex with them.
But nobody’s perfect. Some things are beyond even his hugantic, ginornmic talents. Video games, for instance.
Last year, we were treated to the spectacle of Iron Mike sucking every concievable kind of ass at Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!. He eventually succeeded in cheesing his way past Glass Joe, the half-assed joke opponent you encounter first, and was far too damn proud of himself for it.
There he was, displaying all the gaming skills of the average grandma. So how in holy hell would he deal with the game’s toughest opponent and ‘final boss,’ Tyson himself? This week, Jimmy Fallon answered that one when he coerced Mike into playing again. It… wasn’t the most heroic display.
Nintendo, as we know, is the home of family friendly funtimes. It’s all toontastic bright colors and rainbows shining from everyone’s assholes and all of that good stuff. Or so we’ve been led to believe. Somewhere behind the scenes, there’s a mad, mad bastard insidiously adding the creeptastic to their games.
That disturbing temple in Ocarina of Time? Super Mario Galaxy’s unexplained-yet-crap-your-pants-creepy lurking shadow ghost pervs? They’re all here, and they’re all damn weird. But none more so than… Mr. Resetti. Hold on to your undercrackers, he’s here for the Halloween edition of The Weekly WTF.
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Now, this whole ebola deal is the kind of thing that even the most callous of assholes shouldn’t be joking about. But needless to say, the internet is pretty damn good at callous assholes. Have you seen Twitter recently? It’s like open mic night at the Not-Effing-Funny Ebola Jokeatorium.
I’m not averse to piss-takery, you understand. Piss-takery was my major. But this? Freaking this? No.
You might be familiar with Plague Inc., James Vaughan’s strategy sensation for mobile. It tasks you with obliterating the population of the Earth, by developing and evolving your chosen plague. It’s macabre as hell, involving canny use of different vectors to ensure you infect every poor bastard on the planet.
The key is managing and manipulating the growth of said plague: if it’s too damn mothereffin’ deadly, it’ll wipe out the carriers before they’ve spread it enough, and humanity will survive. And who the balls wants that? Nobody, that’s who.
All in all, it’s not the most happy funtimes of games. But at least it’s relevant to current events. The recent crisis has seen a huge upsurge in Plague Inc. downloads, Destructoid reports. Four million people were playing the game last week.
They’re calling their virus ‘Ebola,’ because of course they are.