Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Stalin vs Martians’ Does Exactly What it Says on the Tin

Yup. Stalin. Versus Martians. What the hell could go wrong with an awesome idea like that? Absolutely freaking everything, that’s what. Buckle up, gentlemen. This is a real slice of shite right here.

You know how it can be with celebrities. After their star has waned and their fifteen minutes of fame is over, nobody is assed any more. You’re like that depressed fat guy at Comic Con, the forgotten has-been from a sci-fi show that got cancelled in 1978. Who wants your autograph? No bastard does.

All that’s left for these guys is to appear in terrible celebrity reality shows. It’s a similar deal for history’s crazy dictators, who have to appear in ballache strategy games like this.

Stalin vs Martians is a parody of the familiar World War II RTS games. You know the sort of thing: tiny tanks and tinier dudes blow each others’ asses off in relentlessly brown landscapes with dramatic explosions-amundo. For this one, though, it’s all a little different.

Stalin vs Martians 2

Yep, this is just how Stalin vs Martians rolls.

Now, I’m no nerdly historian, but I’ve never heard of ol’ Joseph and his Soviets doing battle with martians. But hey, that’s the kind of interesting anecdote you miss when you don’t pay attention in class. The game’s official site sets the scene:
‘Year 1942. Summer. The martians suddenly land somewhere in Siberia and attack the glorious people of Holy Mother Russia. It is a hard time for USSR as you might know from the history books if you ever attended school. The situation is really f**ked up, so comrade Stalin takes the anti-ET military operation under his personal control. The operation is a top secret and virtually nobody knows about the fact of extraterrestial intervention.’

Those goddamn aliens. Was 1942 not enough of a shitstorm already?

Anywho, what follows is some of the most piss-takey gameplay you’ll ever see. The general unit-maneuvering battling and such is relatively conventional, in theory. But then the toontastic Monty Python-style slapstick comes in. As do Red Army tanks against that three-eyed alien dude from Toy Story. And the disco soundtrack, accompanied by Stalin getting his sixties groove on.

I don’t know why this is a thing. I don’t know why promo wallpapers exist depicting comrade Stalin looking at a map of the world, with the thought bubble caption ‘me so horny.’ But hey. Some things just are, and it’s fruitless to question them.

Images via Stalin vs Martians.

‘All You Can Arcade’ Brings Us Arcade Cabinets to Rent

Ah, San Francisco. The City by the Bay has brought the world so much awesome. The late great Robin Williams rose to fame there, as did musical badassery such as Led Zeppelin and the Grateful Dead. Come on, Mrs-effing-Doubtfire was filmed there. What more could you ask for?

You could ask for a San Frantastic business idea, that’s what. Feast your eyes, ears and scrotes on All You Can Arcade.

For a not-so-mere $75, you can rent a chunky-ass arcade cabinet from these guys for a month. If, naturally, you live in the Bay Area. If you’ve ever tried to move one of these fat bastards, you’ll know why nationwide delivery isn’t an option.

They have a selection of 50, classics and cult classics all. Buck Rogers, Mortal Kombat, 1973‘s Ramtek Soccer… retro wonderment awaits. That $75 grants you a month of unlimited plays, with no need to keep pumping your quarters into the thing.

There’s a real market for this sort of thing. Whether you’re a retro-head or just somebody in Sacramento trying to arrange a general guy-based event, you should take a look.

Via Destructoid.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Bloody Roar

Yup. Bloody-mothereffing-Roar. This one originally went by the name Beastorizer, which probably tells you all you need to know about the kind of badassery that’s coming at your faces right now. Buckle up, gentlemen.

1997 was a good year for fighters. Tekken 3 arrived, and is still regarded by many as one of the biggest and best nad-punching games of all time. On top of that, it was also the year of… Bloody Roar. Because if there’s one thing Tekken was missing, it was the chance to turn into a werewolf and beat up a six-foot bunny guy.

You may also know it as Bloody Roar: Hyper Beast Duel. Whatever you want to call it, Hudson Soft’s brawler hit the PS1 that year, ported from the original chunky-ass arcade machine. Let’s take a look.

Weird-Ass Kickstarter ‘Blood Sport’ Controller Takes Your Blood Each Time You’re Shot

Yup, your actual blood. Because sometimes, video games mean effing business. It’s all getting a little Running Man around here (sure, that was a game show; but who the hell can be assed with details on a Monday morning).

Kickstarter is home to a lot of weirdly weirdness. To get the funding you seek, you’ll be needing a novel idea, or a popular cause for people to get their cashtacular behind. Alternatively, you could bring the world a games controller that makes blood donations ‘fun.’ Gentlemen, meet Blood Sport.

This, right here, is an actual thing that’s happening. You know how it is: hospitals have a real shortage of sweet, sweet crimson life-juice. How do we get all the cool kids on board and giving blood? It’s really simple, quoth Kotaku. The electrical signal from a controller’s rumble is linked to a fairly standard blood collection system. Every time the controller rumbles, some blood is taken from you.

Yep, it’s as simple as callously slapping ‘Nintendo’ branding on ecstasy tablets. And by simple, I mean mothereffin’ crazy. Still, you can check out more on the Blood Sport system back at Kotaku.

Destiny Brings us Some Sweet, Sweet Prologue Action for its ‘The Dark Below’ Expansion (VIDEO)

Destiny- The Dark Below
What lurks below?

When we were snot-nosed urchins, we all shared two things in common: fear of the dark, and a talent for precocious ogling. The second is just a sign of a well-spent childhood, but the first is a little more troubling. What the hell were we ever afraid of?

Well, gentlemen, Destiny finally has the answer to what lurks in the dark. A big ol’ effing demon bastard with three eyes and a creepy-ass fiery sword, that’s what. Those fears don’t look so irrational now. Take that, childhood shrink who made fun of my bedwetting.

Anywho, yes, Destiny has been prattling about its upcoming expansion for some time now. Those new story quests, missions, multiplayer arenas, and a new Strike and Raid. But amid all that hype, there’s been one thing missing. A melodramatic trailer that shows eff all but is narrated in an I’m-the-only-survivor-of-some-crazy-shit-that’s-going-down sort of way to hook the punters.

Well, buckle up, because this gal right here is definitely the only survivor of some crazy shit that’s going down. Something angry is awakening in the bowels of the moon, and it’s setting its sights on the Earth. Cue some more spacetastic gun-shootin’ goodtimes.

Early Xbox One Adopter? Microsoft Freaking Loves You; Has Gifts

If you really know your gaming shit, you’ll remember the sad plight of the 3DS. Its 2011 launch was, in corporate terms, a farcetacular disaster. What with the price and rumors of the 3D effect melting people’s freaking eyeballs right out of their sockets, sales were fairly awful.

Price cuts and other such big-business shenanigans saved it, but early buyers were pissed. So much so, Nintendo pulled the Ambassador Program out of their asses; a series of free downloadable games available only to those who bought the handheld at its original, too-damn-much price.

Three years later, here’s Xbox One. It didn’t quite hit store shelves ass-first, but nor has it been the sales sensation it could have. The next-gen hype train promised much, and has failed to really deliver a killer app in a year of trying.

Fear not though, spangly new console owners. Microsoft are here to remind us that they do love us. No, really. Sure, they don’t call as often as they should, but they’ve been busy. What with the new baby and the move and all. But hey, presents.

If you’ve bought an Xbox One in the last year, quoth Kotaku, you’ve got a magical email of free stuff coming at you down your Internet-pipe as we speak. Early adopters are being rewarded with an exclusive Year One gamer picture, backgrounds for the console and free time-limited rentals (of Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn and Dragon Ball Z: Battle of the Gods).

If that’s not enough for you (which it isn’t, because it’s a bit wank frankly), you’ll also be entered into draws to win everything from limited edition console bundles to a GTA Online Tiger Shark cash card ($200,000 in-game GTA dollars).

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Hey, Remember That Time Nintendo Made Ecstasy Tablets?

As we know, Nintendo have taken a lot of snark over the years for their kiddy image. The mockers have mocked, like the mocking mocksters of mock that they are. They always have. As that fat kid with the breathing problems once told me at recess, Sonic is cool and Mario is gay. As though this was an insult, and not just a sign of a guy with much better fashion sense and standards of personal hygiene than the rest of us.

True enough, their first party output has always been on the family friendly, toontastic side. Not to mention their commercials, cutesy enough to make all the hairs on your scrote stand on end. But hey, they’ve tried all sorts of things to get the hardcore, old-enough-to-legally-drink gamer on board. When the Gamecube launched in 2001, Nintendo secured a deal with Capcom to get the whole main Resident Evil backlog ported, and an exclusive entry or two to boot.

The console may have been bright purple, and resembled a Hello Kitty My First Handbag, but that doesn’t help the point I’m making at all. And the point is: Nintendo-branded ecstasy tablets.

Spoiler: this isn’t an official Nintendo product. Just in case you thought they’d taken their attempts to woo the cool core crowd a little too far (I know, mom, drugs are not cool). Just bizarre news from Merry Old England earlier this week, where three teens were rushed to hospital after taking ‘super-strength ecstasy pills branded Nintendos to cynically appeal to youngsters’ at a club.

Seriously, what will dodgy back-alley drug dealers come up with next?

Destructoid, via The Mirror.