Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

‘Batman: Arkham Knight’ Bumped Back to June 23

Batman- Arkham Knight Delay

What? A big ol’ blockbuster game being delayed? Not in our effing lifetimes.

Except, of course, this is the way of the gaming world. Grand Theft Auto V is the highest-profile example of late, what with the PC release and heists having been trapped in delay limbo up Satan’s asshole since freaking forever. How many different release dates has the PC edition had? Too damn many, that’s how many.

Our ol’ buddy Bruce’s latest, Batman: Arkham Knight, is going the same way, slipping another almost-month behind schedule to June 23. Let’s just hope Rocksteady are spending the extra weeks wisely, adding shit-tastic George Clooney era nipples to the Batsuit or something.

But then this isn’t really something to bitch about. Not like it used to be. Lately, several games have emerged as steaming heaps of buggy BS on day one, and it’s really not worth it. When developers say they need the extra time to make the game as good as possible, and it’ll all pay off (which they always freaking say), we should take them at their word.

Wait a little longer and actually have a quality finished product that works, or pick up a broken mess that’d need a patch the size of Albuquerque to be playable come launch day? I think I’ll take that first one.

Via Kotaku.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Metal Slug

Metal Slug 1

In many ways, the run and gun genre is the studliest, manliest, gonads-like-cannonballs-iest in video games. It’s all about raw actiontastic. There may be a half-assed plot (usually involving terrorists) lurking in the background, but we’ve no time for that. We’re just cruising from left to right, feeling like invincible badasses and wrecking everyone and everything in our path.

It’s like being Arnold Schwarzenegger in… every movie Arnold Schwarzenegger ever made. Bar that Christmas one, but we won’t count that because it’s shit.

As far as notable entries in the genre go, you don’t need to look much further than Metal Slug. Which is, y’know, what we’re looking at right now. How’s that for a segue?

So, yes. The first installment of the series hit the Neo Geo (remember that fancy-ass ‘arcade at home’ dealie that cost more than your average Hollywood movie budget?) in 1996. It’s the story of the bastardry of General Morden, a megalomaniac who has seized control of the world’s governments. When nobody else can stop him, who’s left to go it alone against his forces? The player, that’s who. You probably saw that one coming.

Cpt. Marco Rossi and Lt. Tarma Roving of the Peregrine Falcon Strike Force are also tasked with recapturing or destroying the Metal Slugs, big ol’ angry tanks that no crazy asshole should be left to play with. And that’s all the setup you need for some sweet, sweet sidescrolling carnage.

Metal Slug 2

Sure, there’s more bullets-amundo than in the last half hour of Commando, right here, but there’s something oddly charming about it all. Metal Slug’s hand drawn 2D art adds a cutesy air to the whole thing, and the animation is full of quirky humor. Mostly on the part of your enemies, who’ll often be sunbathing or something and scream like startled chihuahuas when they see you coming.

And let’s not forget the announcer, who sounds far too cheery for all the mangling, stabbing and entry wounds happening on screen. Nobody has ever sounded so thrilled to see you pick up a HEAVY MACHINE GUN!

Then there are the spangly vehicles to dick about in. The trademark amphibious, jumping tank is just the kind of super-destructive weirdery you’d expect of Metal Slug. That’s just the kind of game it is, a tongue-in-cheek Contra-alike with a unique air that sets it apart.

It’s an old-school challenge, and a great example of the pure fun exemplified by the game of yore. Neither of these are common traits any more, which is surely part of why the series has endured for so long. How many sequels, again?

Finish Him/Finish The Match: ‘Mortal Kombat X’ to Hit Ragequitters With ‘Quitalities’

Mortal Kombat X- Quitality

As we know, just about any game with a pvp online component is serious mothereffin’ business. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing Dora the Explorer vs the Innocent Cutesy Multicolor Aliens, you’re going to get bile-laden sweartastic hatemail from the other guy after the match.

In this world of ranked matches, W/L ratios and K/Ds, a lot of games become ragequit-amundo. A lot of the time, there’s no real punishment for this, or the player who didn’t disconnect is screwed along with you. Some games do it right, with an insta-loss for the ragequitter and the win given to their opponent, but Mortal Kombat X has no time for that sort of logical BS.

Along with the iconic Fatalities, the series has seen Brutalities, Babalities and Animalities. The latest release adds a piss-takey extra one to the mix: Quitalities.

Disconnecting from an online match will cause your fighter’s head to explode, and award your opponent a flawless victory. From the looks of it, this is a quirky little in-joke and a great way of implementing a failsafe against douchey players.

And, y’know, innocent ones who lose their connections accidentally. Their heads will explode in a bloody mess too, sadly. Still, you can’t have everything.

Via Destructoid.

Settling the Console Wars, the Smashtastic ‘Battle Damage’ Way

Console Wars

Back in the nineties, console wars were pretty damn lame. We’d shun the ginger kid with the glasses at recess for playing Mario over Sonic, cast aspersions on his sexuality, all that kind of bastardly stuff. The SNES vs Genesis debate was serious freaking business, right here.

This continued throughout console generations, with a three-way battle between Wii, Xbox and PlayStation in recent years. It’s still going on. Right at this very moment, an angry Xbox One owner is leaving a petty, sweary, grammatically questionable comment on a YouTube trailer of a PS4 exclusive. Because that’s just the way it is.

But nuts to all this. If we must have console wars, let’s do it in style. Let’s smash the hell out of all of these consoles, until only one survives. We’ll declare this badass mofo the best.

Natch, this is what the Battle Damage guys do best. In this latest episode, they test twelve consoles, from SNES to PS3. First with their patented fifteen foot drop test, then with a soft drink dousing for the survivors. Science, this is not, but it’s an interesting watch. As we know, the chunky-ass plastic of old consoles could probably withstand a nuclear blast, so bet on your favorite and see how it fares.

Gaming’s Whacked out Week: When ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ and ‘Halo 2′ Collide

Whacked- Halo and Freddy's

As we know, nerdly gamers like doing all kinds of batshit crazy in the medium. Last week, a humble NES was adapted to be able to play Netflix shows. Just, y’know, because. Whether you’re adding selfie sticks and Instagram filters to Doom, or cruising through Grand Theft Auto’s Los Santos as a horse, weird things happen in the gaming world.

Crossovers and mash-ups in particular. When fans of different franchises combine elements of both into a fan game, or just a concept, strange effing strange usually results. Bonus points if said games have absolutely nothing in common with each other.

Five Nights at Freddy’s
and Halo 2 will do nicely. The hit scare ‘em up and Bungie’s beloved sci-fi shooter are a match made in WTF, so why the hell not?

RecklessRiley brings us Five Nights at Freddy’s in Halo 2 Anniversary, the mashup that finally lets us give those bastard animatronics what they deserve. Shotguns, magnums… the security guard isn’t playing around this time. There’s also a little mockery of FPS traditions, with these words from Phone Guy:
“He didn’t [use to have a shotgun], but then there was the playtest of March 10th…yeah. It’s amazing that the human body can take that much teabagging from 12 year-old playtesters, all of whom who have done my mum, as a matter of fact.”

This should be a real thing for sure. Check it out.

Via Kotaku.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Hits us With Both Badass Barrels of the ‘Ascendance’ DLC Pack

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare- Ascendance

Call of Duty will not and cannot be stopped. The DLC gravy train continues to hurtle along the tracks, fuelled by our cashtacular, and nothing will stop it from delivering its sweet, sweet Ascendance cargo.

Activision has announced that the latest content pack for Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare will arrive March 31. It’s familiar fare for players, offering four new multiplayer maps, another slice of Exo Zombies and a new weapon. The same setup as the previous DLC, Havoc, all in all. Let’s take a closer look.

The maps, IGN reports,
‘…include Perplex, the map located inside an Australian modular apartment complex, the location of a crash-landed alien spaceship beneath Mount Rushmore in Site 244, a chance to run around a climate-controlled enclosure mixing land and water routes with environmental hazards in Climate, and a map located inside of a black market industrial complex called Chop Shop.’

Some nicely varied locales to get our guntastic on, for sure. Elsewhere in the pack, there’s the new ‘Infected’ chapter of Exo Zombies, and a spangly looking directed energy gun to try out. Ascendance is a timed exclusive for Xbox, coming to other systems at some undisclosed point in the future. More details back at IGN.

The Weekly WTF: How ‘Do Not Believe His Lies’ Was Even Too Freaking Weird For the Internet

Do Not Believe His Lies

Just about anything can be done via the magic of mobile. As the interwebs like to say, there’s a freaking app for that. We’ve already seen a cutesy toontastic game that teaches women to masturbate, which shows you the kind of open field we’re dealing with here.

Sure, Apple’s lawyer-bots have to prevent some pitches from ever seeing the light of day. Still, though, the relative ease and cheapness of development here lets all kinds of batshit crazy flow. Mind-mangling puzzler Do Not Believe His Lies, for instance.

This one hit the App Store last July, and has reportedly never been finished. Some believe it to be impossible to do so, and everybody believes that it’s creepy as all hell. Let’s take a look.

The game begins, as Kotaku reports, with a black screen displaying a simple message: We were expecting you. Your journey begins now. We await you on the other side. Good luck. You’re then told that the first code is hidden on an otherwise blank-looking screen. It starts off gently enough, with you just needing to increase the brightness to read the message, but it soon becomes unhinged.

Do Not Believe His Lies 2

Each little riddle leads you to another. You’ll have to interpret morse code and all kinds of madness to make any progress here.
‘One of them involves watching creepy video,’ the ‘Taku’s own Patricia Hernandez goes on. ‘Many require cracking codes, knowing different languages, visiting specific websites and finding a hidden message, checking constellations, using chemistry, using music theory, and more. It’s insane.’

The puzzles themselves are totally bizarre, and have stumped much of a dedicated crew of gamers trying to crack this baby. But it’s the solutions that earn Do Not Believe His Lies a place in WTF history. With each little mystery solved, you’ll get a brief line of text. In its way, this is the ‘plot’ of the game, and it’s going to some creepy places.

From the mysteries that players have managed to decipher, the text we have is: ‘The first time I saw him there, I was just a child.’ There is also ‘He keeps showing up,’ ‘in my dreams,’ ‘I cannot escape him now.’ Imagine it as the creepiest effing Professor Layton game in the universe, and you’re just about there.

What the hell’s the deal here? Where is this going? Who is this dodgy dude? None of these questions will probably ever be answered, but a dedicated band of freaking confused gamers are on the case. For more on this, hit the link.