Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

‘Monstrum’ Brings the Oculus Rift to Horror Games, Pants May Or May Not Be Fouled (VIDEO)

Hmm, this looks familiar.

Recently, Alien: Isolation has been monopolizing the whole ‘big ol’ monster stalking your ass in the dark’ thing. It’s doing it rather well, from we’ve seen thus far, but let’s diversify a little. There are other freaky things desperate for a bite of our ‘nads too, and it’d be rude not to give them the opportunity.

Particularly in Monstrum’s case. This January 2015 release has its own claim to fame: use of the spangly new Oculus Rift equipment. With this, we can get a full-on immersive experience, complete with headset and earphones. After all, with other survival horror, you run the risk of the spell being broken constantly; by telemarketing bastards or Ma calling you because it’s time to hose her down again. Or, y’know, something like that.

The world does conspire against us getting our game on. But not so with the Oculus. You’re thrusting your goddamn face right into the action, like one of those VR headsets that nineties cartoons thought we’d all have by now.

Said action looks a little cliched to us, but let’s not bitch about it. Monstrum is set on an abandoned ship, where some poor bastard (that is, the player, naturally) is being hunted by something hungry and growly and flesh-rendy. Take a look at the trailer above, it has all the dodgy boiler rooms and creepy ambient sounds you could ask for.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Gentlemen, you’ll probably need to be sitting down for this revelation. Against all odds, Wii U has a second game to be assed about on the horizon. After the success of Mario Kart 8, Smash Bros. is now coming. Who knows, the console may not die in a defeated heap of gimmicky shame after all.

The acclaimed party/brawler is due to arrive this holiday season, with the 3DS version released this very week. So it’s a good time to take another big ol’ steaming dump on the word ‘retro’, and take a look back at the previous installment in the series.
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Yep, ‘Alien: Isolation’ Will Creep You Out. And Kill You (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation 2
That freaky tongue-mouth says it all.

Horror films and horror games aren’t all that, y’know, scary. We don’t say this because we’re manly man-beasts with gonads of steeliest steel, who fear nothing and no-one (we are, naturally, but that’s moot). More because we’re big ol’ cynical bastards.

We’ve seen it all before. The half-assed jump scares, the dumbasses cruising through dimly-lit hallways just begging to get their scalps chewed on... enough already.

We need a real balls-out atmosphere, a tangible threat. Something to really be assed about. And that’s a Xenomorph’s forte, right there. If you saw them comin’ outta the goddamn walls, you’ll know that those guys don’t eff around. If anything will creep you the hell out on a lonely spacecraft, these angry buggers will.

And that’s just what Alien: Isolation is trying to exploit to the hilt. It’s the Nemesis effect: being essentially powerless against something that could burst through the freaking wall/air vent/wherever else at any time, who wants that? That’s a recipe for fouled undercrackers, right there.

How will you survive? No idea, but screaming for Grandma probably won’t do it.

Get Your Badass Breakfast On, Zelda Style

See this? This is pretty damn cool, right here. Or rather, it’s the polar opposite of cool, which makes it all the effing cooler.

As we know, mornings suck. Monday mornings? They’re the suckiest suck that ever sucked. You know the routine: you’ll hit the snooze button seventeen times, wish you were dead a little, and begrudgingly haul your ass out of bed. Whereupon you’ll step barefoot on one of (your name here) Jr’s legos, just because it’s Monday and Mondays are shit.

That’s the usual rigmarole, anyway. What we need is a way to make our breakfast experiences a little more badass. Which is where Fountain City Coffee of Columbus, Georgia come in.

Feast your eyes on their wondrously nerdly menu. As that ol’ bearded bastard from the original NES Zelda said,
“It’s dangerous to go alone. Take a muffin, a scone, some bacon and some mozzarella cheese!”

Fountain City Coffee, we like your style.

Via Reddit.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Changes Multiplayer Forever… Apparently (VIDEO)

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare 2
Titanfall? Is that you?

This, right here, is an excitable trailer. We’ve got PR-tastic hyperbole like ‘transcends the line between game and film’ and ‘profound reinvention of Call of Duty multiplayer’ in our faces, and you can’t argue with that. That means put your pants back on and pay attention.

In the gaming world, there are few big effing deals bigger or effing-er than Call of Duty. As such, it’s fair to expect fans to be protective. To care. To bitch at the Internet ‘til they can bitch no more if there’s any upheaval afoot.

That’s the thing with games. Change too much, and there’s boycotts and petty whining and/or death threats-amundo. Change too little, and the same applies, just from somebody else.

The lesson? As Grandma Egotastic always said, you can’t please everyone. “Especially not gamers,” she added, “because a lot of them are assholes.” So what the hell are we to make of this? How can Advanced Warfare be both a ‘profound reinvention’ and ‘the Call of Duty fans have been asking for?’

We don’t know. Perhaps this trailer does.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When ‘Street Fighter’ Mocks Facebook Status Douchery (VIDEO)

Whacked- Facebook Fighter
Hashtags on Facebook? You monster!

You know that friend you have, the one that you secretly think is a bit of an asshole? Or rather, a huge one, with big ol’ bells dangling from him/her? Well, we’ve got one too. Everybody does.

You probably see them on Facebook, prattling about their lives. But it’s not a regular life. Not work, sleep and eating baked bins straight from the tin with the drapes shut like a lonely gaucho. That’s for everybody else, the feeble mortals orbiting around them. These effers are special.

When their baby takes a dump, you’re hearing about it. You’re liking the photo of said urchin’s turd and giving it a gushing comment, or you’re effing well explaining why you haven’t. You know the sort. These are the people who make us believe Zuckerberg should be arrested for incitement to mass dickishness.

So how about a little Friday morning piss-takery? The above clip, directed by Dennis Liu, combines Facebook ballaches with Street Fighter (because sometimes the great ideas are just right in front of you). It’s more than a little cheese-tacular, but you’ve got to give it props for accuracy.

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Revolution X,’ the Aerosmith-Branded Shooter

Ricky Wilson, frontman of Brit-tastic shit-tastic pop prattlers Kaiser Chiefs, once exclaimed that he would “...wank off a tramp for success.” This probably tells you all you need to know about the depths celebrities will sink to. Hulk Hogan appeared in the worst breakfast cereal commercial ever in the eighties. Arnold Schwarzenegger hawked questionable barbecues on the shopping channel. And Aerosmith?

Well, those hairy bastards are (kinda sorta) responsible for Revolution X. It would’ve been better if they’d just gotten their hoboeroticism on, like good ol’ Ricky.
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