Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

‘WWE 2K15’ Gameplay Trailer Brings More Manly Bravado Than You Can Handle (VIDEO)

WWE 2K15
Shouldn't you be on the toilet right now, Hulk?

Wrestling, as we know, is a manly business. It’s delightfully brutal, tendon-twisty, neck-snappy and joint-cracky. It’s the roughest, badassiest, not-actually-happening sport there is. Even the women have arms like effing Popeye.

As such, there’s a whole lot of bravado on display. Can you smell what The Rock is cookin’? He’s cooking pure motherfudgin’ awesome and dude-ish dudery, that’s what he’s cooking. And so are the rest of these guys. They’re all about the drama.

As is this first gameplay trailer from WWE 2K15. Who the hell wants actual ‘gameplay’ in their gameplay trailers? Nuts to that. Instead, here’s a procession of beefy dudes gurning angrily at the camera/otherwise dicking about. There’s Bray Wyatt with that creepy-ass The Exorcist spider walk of his. There’s Triple H doing something that’s sure as hell going to smart in the morning to that other guy. And there’s the one with the shit beard, gesticulating like a Fascist dictator.

It’s exciting stuff, we’re sure you’ll agree. We had to lie down awhile after watching. WWE 2K15 hits PS3 and Xbox 360 on October 28, and Xbox One and PS4 November 18.

‘Sunset Overdrive’ Isn’t for Fat Guys

You may be familiar with Sunset Overdrive. It’s a demented Jet Grind Radio-esque toontastic shitstorm of a shooter, with quite possibly the greatest plot in recent video games. Our protagonist is a worker at an energy drink factory, who are holding a spangly cocktail party to celebrate the release of their latest product. Amid all the debauchery, people begin to mutate into ghastly-ass beasts from the power of the drink.

You know what energy drinks can be like. Anywho, this sort of thing tends to put a bit of a downer on these PRtastic events. It also leaves the player character to clear up the mess. With guns and violence, naturally.

One much-ballyhooed selling point of Sunset Overdrive has been its customization aspects, allowing you to craft your guy/gal however you wish. It’s pretty damn extensive, too (“I made a very nice bearded lady with tiny mouths for eyes,” quoth Kotaku). Unless you’re a fat bastard, that is. The ample gentlemen among us are out of luck.

Yep, you can wear any ridiculous costume you wish, or have tiny wangs running down your arms or whatever. But what you can’t do is adjust your body shape. There’s no Sims-y weight slider here. And why? In the words of the game’s director,
"A lot of Bethesda games have weight sliders too. We wanted something more tailored. We wanted a little more control over the style and types of characters players can create while still providing an incredible number of options. We wanted to put our time into wild outfits instead of technology to bloat up people or bloat them down."

So there it is.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Medieval- Total War

As 80‘s New Wave shit-tacular Tears for Fears once sang, Everybody Wants to Rule the World. What ‘everybody’ forgets, though, is what a pain in the ass that would actually be. All paperwork, board meetings and huge fancy-ass lunches on expenses. Who the hell has time for that?

Fear not though, gentlemen. There’s a non-tedious (if slightly historical, but don’t worry about learning anything) way to work off your megalomaniacal tendencies. Namely The Creative Assembly’s Total War series.
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TGS 2014: Hey, That ‘Resident Evil’ Remaster is Looking Pretty Sexy After All (VIDEO)

Resident Evil Remaster TGS
Y'know, like this, but in higher definition.

Sure, some of us are quite pissed at Resident Evil just now. What with the balls-out, TPS, shoot-tacular sensibilities the franchise has developed. Whatever happened to the good old days?

Back in the mid-nineties, survival horror had its shit together. We’d shuffle between static camera angles, bitch about dodgy controls (but only in a whisper, naturally, because this was vintage Resident Evil and could do no wrong) and struggle with wanky aiming to blast green leathery things in the face.

Evil aficionados are getting impatient now. They say things like, “What the balls, Resident Evil dudes? Sure, Revelations was pretty darn good, but 5 and 6 put us into a coma. A coma of effing rage. Just by looking at the game case.” Well, put your pants back on, because this little doozy is coming.

Here we see the recently announced remastered remake, a fancy-ass new version of the Gamecube release for next-gen systems. It’s an extended ogle from the Tokyo Game Show, showing just how far technology has come in (almost) two decades. You can also check out the concessions being made for newer players. It’s all rather spangly.

(Not) Motorboating the Biggest Boobs Ever, at the Tokyo Game Show

Some games just can’t resist the chest-tastic breast-tastic. As we speak, Dead or Alive is perfecting its new ‘sweatiness’ mechanic, which sees the tops of its perky pugilists getting increasingly see-through as fights go on. Then there’s Senran Kagura, which managed to turn an innocuous cooking game into some kind of naughty sex-romp (well, kinda). We’ll never look at slicing a cucumber the same way again.

Still, your Ego-buddies have been known to enjoy a quick ogle at the fine female form ourselves. Y’know, from time to time (from 9 to 5, for instance). So why the eff not? We aren’t judging.

Until this damn thing appeared at the Tokyo Game Show last week, that is. You bet your balls we’re judging now. Feast your eyes and loins on the new-levels-of-creepy OneeChanbara Z2: Chaos demo kiosk.

Perhaps we’re being overly critical. After all, if there’s one thing these trade shows need, it’s the chance to thrust your face into a twenty-foot pair of tits. Besides, by OneeChanbara standards, this is practically wholesome.

Story/image via Kotaku.

‘The Evil Within’ Continues Shoveling on the Creepy-Ass: New TGS Trailer (VIDEO)

The Evil Within
What is it they say in Brit-tastic campy pantomimes?

Generally speaking, there are two kinds of horror. The first is a more subtle affair. Psychological horror is about maintaining and developing that atmosphere of pure creepy-ass, until you’re left a sobbing, fearful husk before your TV set (although, obviously, mantastic as we all are, that’s never happened to us). Perhaps you’ve also shat your undercrackers.

While we’re generally generalizing it up with our generalizations, this is more of a Japanese style. Secondly, there’s the ‘Western’ approach to horror. This is a more blunt, balls-out gore-leaky deal, with flayed limbs flying about the room and impaled scrotes and all of that fun stuff.

So, The Evil Within, which side are you on? First and foremost, the game has always emphasised its goretacular ideals. We expected hideous beasts from the depths of Satan’s u-bend to chew on our faces, and we’ve got them. But let’s spare a moment for the underlying story too.

Is there enough macabre weirdery going on behind the scenes? Perhaps. There’s an enigmatic melty-faced dude prattling about something or other, anyway. Who is this crazy bastard? How does he now 'own' you, and what is he going to make you do? Shouldn’t he try to Krazy Glue his effing skin back on?

Check it out above, as this latest TGS trailer (via IGN) fails to answer all these questions. And a couple more besides.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Conan O’Brien Builds a Billion-Dollar ‘Minecraft’ Strip Club (VIDEO)

Whacked- Conan O'Brien Minecraft
Game guru Conan is at it again.

2.5 billion dollars, gentlemen. Holy man-plums.

It’d take the whole Kardashian tribe a good... seven minutes to burn through a sum like that. Five, if Kanye’s in town helicopter shopping. He needs something spacious to take his dickish ego the size of Albuquerque for a ride, after all. He’s good for it, too, those shitty man-scarves he used to sell cost a fortune.

Anywho, yes. This week, Microsoft bought Mojang (creators of the all-conquering Minecraft) for that very amount. Even for Bill’s Boys, that’s not just pocket change. But what does this mean for gamers?

Well, you could ask businessweek. We’re sure they’ll give you some tech-tastic prattle on the subject, with phrases like ‘stock faltering’ and ‘burgeoning portfolios’ in. But who the hell wants that kind of BS on a Friday morning? Nobody, that’s who. Instead, here’s Conan O’Brien getting his piss-takery on, as only Conan can.

After all, if your answer to the question what would you do with 2.5 billion dollars isn’t 'build a strip club,' it’s the wrong answer.

Conan sure does love his strip club-based gaming humor.