Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

These ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Steam Reviews Are Far Too Good

Grand Theft Auto V Steam Reviews

As grandma always said, you can’t trust random assholes on the Internet. She had street smarts, did grandma, and she knew what was up. The web is full of big studly guys pretending to be hot Swedish twins (both of them at once). Spammers sending grammatically and medically questionable promises to enlarge your wang by ten inches. Nigerian princes needing your bank details. Trust no-one.

And especially don’t trust user reviews. Over on Amazon, for instance, I’m often befuddled by several five star and several one star reviews for the same product, offering completely conflicting information. Or just bitching that the delivery was late, and so rating said item way the hell down just for that. It’s all freaking useless, is what I’m driving at.

But hell, sometimes these guys are just having a little fun. Steam reviews are no different, and some for the freshly-released Grand Theft Auto V PC are solid gold. This being the PC edition, there are of course terms like ‘master race’ and ‘console peasants’ being bandied about, but sometimes the community is just amazing.

Kotaku brought us a selection of the best as part of their As Told By Steam Reviews feature. It’s safe to say there are some pissed off spouses in homes across America right about now (“14th year wedding anniversary and I played this all day! It’s that good. Worth being in the doghouse for,” wrote Steam-er Geebeegooner).

Hit the link to check them out.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Man, Nineties Video Game Ads Sucked Ass

Whacked- Nineties Wiener Ad

Remember the nineties? They were bollocks, weren’t they? Sir Mixalot’s love for women with gigantic asses, mice growing actual freaking human ears on their backs, cloned sheep… it was a confusing, ridiculous and often sucktastic time to be alive.

Like my experimentation with a mustache around the same time, it’s probably a period we should never speak of again. Somehow, you never realize what an awful idea your wispy pubey facial hair is at the time. Then you look back at photos of it, and want to cry inside at your dumbassery.

Anywho, yes. One thing that sucked even harder than everything else in the nineties was video game ads and commercials. In this era, cool ruled. The world thought that everyone dressed and acted like Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and the PR dudes of gaming had to sell their shit to us accordingly.

Their desperation for edginess and badassery led to some bizarre ads. This week, Kotaku brought us a treasure trove of nineties awful in the shape of this Flickr site. This is a hell of a collection, right here. My personal favorite is the above (‘enough tricks to turn anybody into a hot dog’), but there’s something for everyone.

I can forgive the occasional Genesis does what Nintendon’t, because a little puntastic never hurt anybody. But what the hell is the deal with some of these?

All the ‘Mortal Kombat X’ Brutalities You Can Handle

Mortal Kombat X Brutality

Mortal Kombat’s iconic Fatalities are part of video game legend. Franchise fan or not, anyone with even a passing knowledge of all things gametastic will be familiar with the growl of FINISH HIM!

A little more obscure, though, are those other methods of dispatching foes. Brutalities, Babalities, Animalities and Friendships are other fancy-ass methods of ending a bout. The latter three are just a little mocktastic on the developers’ part, allowing you to transform your defeated opponent into a diaper-wearing baby version of their character, or turn into an animal to kill the foe.

All of these require a fancy combo to be pulled off correctly, and are just different takes on the same idea. The latest release, the spangly new Mortal Kombat X, is missing a lot of them, but you can bet your ass that it’s rammed full of Brutalities.

If you’ve been playing since Tuesday’s release, you’ll have gotten a whole lot of spleen-rupturin’, scrote-slicin’ violence in already. But you can never get enough of that, so check out this little doozy: every Brutality in the game, fresh from IGN.

‘Mortal Microtransactions Kombat X’ and the Easy Fatalities

Mortal Kombat X Microtransactions

Screw you, microtransactions.

Do you remember the slice of pure nineties PC badassery that was Dungeon Keeper? If you don’t, we can’t be friends, I don’t want to play with you at recess, and I’m sure as hell not inviting you to my Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. But anywho, many players’ fond memories of the classic strategy game were shat on by a recent iOS installment, which took all the piss with its microtransactions.

Just about every action was timed, to the point that digging through a single block of stone (so as to actually construct the effing dungeon you’re supposed to be making) would take days. Unless, natch, you had copious amounts of the in-game currency; in exchange for constant injections of your actual currency.

It was balls, is what I’m driving at. And so is this latest business from Mortal Kombat X, DLC ‘easy Fatalities.’ There are two add-on packs, one offering 5 Fatalities with simplified inputs ($0.99) and the second offering 30 for $4.99. I’m not sure why this is a thing, but a thing it is.

The ultimate suck? You can also get yourself every item available in the Krypt instantly, for $19.99. Check out IGN for more on the game’s add-ons.

Let’s Get Off Our Butts and Check Out April’s Free PS Plus Games Lineup

April PS Plus Games

This mid-monthy point is a good time to stop and reassess. Are you being the renegade driving-grandma’s-mobility-scooter-into-the-mouth-of-hell unstoppable badass you promised yourself you’d be this month? Are you doing everything your spouse/parole officer wants you to be doing? That fussy-ass April to do list won’t achieve itself, dude. You have to make things happen, or whatever Oprah likes to say.

More important than all that, have you checked out this month’s line up of PS Plus freebies? Subscribers get a selection of games to download across the PlayStation platforms, ranging from surprisingly fantastic to ball-bustingly awful. But that’s the luck of the PS Plus draw. How are we faring this month?

It’s the usual mixed bag. Over on PS4, you can get yourself a slice of Serious Sam style demented toontastic shootin’ goodtimes with Tower of Guns. It’s got enemies, power ups and such coming out of its ass; a kind of first-person twin stick shooter if that were possible. Then there’s Never Alone, the artiest platformer you’ve ever feasted your squishy eyestalks on.

The handheld highlight, meanwhile, would have to be the Vita offering Killzone Mercenary. I still say that portable FPSs don’t get any better than this (or haven’t yet, at any rate), and you’ll want to check it out if you haven’t already.

Take a look at the full selection.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Metroid

Metroid

Strap yourselves in, gentlemen. We’ve got both barrels of intergalactic, bounty-huntin,’ holy-hell-she’s-not-actually-a-dude-after-all badassery coming at you this week.

Yup. Years before Lara Croft’s pneumatic norkage showed us what a female protagonist can do, there was Samus. We didn’t know it, granted, because she looked like Generic Space Marine Guy No. 287542, but this was indeed a gaming heroine in the making.

Bounty hunter Samus Aran’s Metroid series has been a little neglected of late, but I can at least give it a little half-assed tribute right here. Behold the first entry, 1986′s Metroid.

This one hit the NES almost thirty years ago, a sci-fi action adventure from Nintendo. It’s the story of the dastardly and bastardly Space Pirates, who want to take over the galaxy by cloning Metroids (bitey alien dudes who suck the life force from anything and everything like the hungry buggers they are) and unleashing them as biological weapons on anyone who opposes them.

This sort of thing is on the uncool side, natch, so the Galactic Federation cruises over to the Pirates’ base to wreck their shit. They fail, obviously, and our last hope is Samus, sent in alone to defeat the threat.

Metroid 2

And so begins a spacetacular adventure of deeply confuse-y proportions. Samus and her legendary arm cannon barrel along from left to right, and from right to left when she’s feeling especially rebellious. The video games of yore couldn’t be assed with hand holding or maps or any of that BS, so a-explorin’ you must go.

The corridors and caverns of the planet Zebes are not a friendly place. You can imagine younger games firing Metroid up in their vintage $20 yard sale NES for the first time, getting instantly lost and crying for grandma. But that’s the deal with this one, and always has been with the series: it’s about atmosphere, journeying about on your lonesome and gradually opening up more of the world.

By collecting upgrades for your Power Suit, of course. A rather fancy-ass missile attachment can blast open doors you couldn’t previously, while the grapple beam lets you wang your way over long distances. The famous morph ball, meanwhile, allows you to roll your ass into a basketball-sized sphere and fit through tiny spaces.

All of these vital Samus-y elements were present and correct from the start. Metroid is one of those stubborn old bastard franchises that has changed little through the years (well, Prime games and Other M aside), other than becoming a bit less of a pain in the ass. But why should it?

Our Space Pirate nemesis Ridley, Mother Brain, the Metroids themselves… so many memories. Most importantly, Metroid will always be the game that introduced the ‘play better, ogle more of Samus’ undercrackers at the end of the game’ idea. You can’t say fairer than that.

Hey, Microsoft, What’s All the ‘Gears of War’ Mystery About?

Gears of War Mystery

Intriguing stuff.

First up, feast your eager eyeballs on this clip:

Yes indeed, this is a compilation of clips from Gears of War 3 launch events. Sweaty dudes standing in lines, explosions all over the effing place, questionable Gears tattoos, those shit tote bags everyone ever gives away with a cheap logo on… it has it all. It even has the legendary Big Sean, telling the world that he didn’t care how much he’d be paid for performing as long as he got a copy of the game for his troubles.

All in all, everything a Gears of War fan could want. But even so, we could also excuse them for wondering why in the name of balls Microsoft uploaded this clip last week. The third release, as you know, hit almost four years ago.

Obviously, something relating to the much-ballyhooed TPS series is afoot. We’ve known an Xbox One installment is coming for a year or so now, and rumors of a re-release of the original trilogy were supposedly dumped on a while back. So… what’s the deal here? Will Big Sean be whipping out his Gnasher to plug another Gears soon? We can only hope. And stay tuned.

Via Destructoid.