Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Bloody Roar

Yup. Bloody-mothereffing-Roar. This one originally went by the name Beastorizer, which probably tells you all you need to know about the kind of badassery that’s coming at your faces right now. Buckle up, gentlemen.

1997 was a good year for fighters. Tekken 3 arrived, and is still regarded by many as one of the biggest and best nad-punching games of all time. On top of that, it was also the year of… Bloody Roar. Because if there’s one thing Tekken was missing, it was the chance to turn into a werewolf and beat up a six-foot bunny guy.

You may also know it as Bloody Roar: Hyper Beast Duel. Whatever you want to call it, Hudson Soft’s brawler hit the PS1 that year, ported from the original chunky-ass arcade machine. Let’s take a look.
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Weird-Ass Kickstarter ‘Blood Sport’ Controller Takes Your Blood Each Time You’re Shot

Yup, your actual blood. Because sometimes, video games mean effing business. It’s all getting a little Running Man around here (sure, that was a game show; but who the hell can be assed with details on a Monday morning).

Kickstarter is home to a lot of weirdly weirdness. To get the funding you seek, you’ll be needing a novel idea, or a popular cause for people to get their cashtacular behind. Alternatively, you could bring the world a games controller that makes blood donations ‘fun.’ Gentlemen, meet Blood Sport.

This, right here, is an actual thing that’s happening. You know how it is: hospitals have a real shortage of sweet, sweet crimson life-juice. How do we get all the cool kids on board and giving blood? It’s really simple, quoth Kotaku. The electrical signal from a controller’s rumble is linked to a fairly standard blood collection system. Every time the controller rumbles, some blood is taken from you.

Yep, it’s as simple as callously slapping ‘Nintendo’ branding on ecstasy tablets. And by simple, I mean mothereffin’ crazy. Still, you can check out more on the Blood Sport system back at Kotaku.

Destiny Brings us Some Sweet, Sweet Prologue Action for its ‘The Dark Below’ Expansion (VIDEO)

Destiny- The Dark Below
What lurks below?

When we were snot-nosed urchins, we all shared two things in common: fear of the dark, and a talent for precocious ogling. The second is just a sign of a well-spent childhood, but the first is a little more troubling. What the hell were we ever afraid of?

Well, gentlemen, Destiny finally has the answer to what lurks in the dark. A big ol’ effing demon bastard with three eyes and a creepy-ass fiery sword, that’s what. Those fears don’t look so irrational now. Take that, childhood shrink who made fun of my bedwetting.

Anywho, yes, Destiny has been prattling about its upcoming expansion for some time now. Those new story quests, missions, multiplayer arenas, and a new Strike and Raid. But amid all that hype, there’s been one thing missing. A melodramatic trailer that shows eff all but is narrated in an I’m-the-only-survivor-of-some-crazy-shit-that’s-going-down sort of way to hook the punters.

Well, buckle up, because this gal right here is definitely the only survivor of some crazy shit that’s going down. Something angry is awakening in the bowels of the moon, and it’s setting its sights on the Earth. Cue some more spacetastic gun-shootin’ goodtimes.

Early Xbox One Adopter? Microsoft Freaking Loves You; Has Gifts

If you really know your gaming shit, you’ll remember the sad plight of the 3DS. Its 2011 launch was, in corporate terms, a farcetacular disaster. What with the price and rumors of the 3D effect melting people’s freaking eyeballs right out of their sockets, sales were fairly awful.

Price cuts and other such big-business shenanigans saved it, but early buyers were pissed. So much so, Nintendo pulled the Ambassador Program out of their asses; a series of free downloadable games available only to those who bought the handheld at its original, too-damn-much price.

Three years later, here’s Xbox One. It didn’t quite hit store shelves ass-first, but nor has it been the sales sensation it could have. The next-gen hype train promised much, and has failed to really deliver a killer app in a year of trying.

Fear not though, spangly new console owners. Microsoft are here to remind us that they do love us. No, really. Sure, they don’t call as often as they should, but they’ve been busy. What with the new baby and the move and all. But hey, presents.

If you’ve bought an Xbox One in the last year, quoth Kotaku, you’ve got a magical email of free stuff coming at you down your Internet-pipe as we speak. Early adopters are being rewarded with an exclusive Year One gamer picture, backgrounds for the console and free time-limited rentals (of Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn and Dragon Ball Z: Battle of the Gods).

If that’s not enough for you (which it isn’t, because it’s a bit wank frankly), you’ll also be entered into draws to win everything from limited edition console bundles to a GTA Online Tiger Shark cash card ($200,000 in-game GTA dollars).

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Hey, Remember That Time Nintendo Made Ecstasy Tablets?

As we know, Nintendo have taken a lot of snark over the years for their kiddy image. The mockers have mocked, like the mocking mocksters of mock that they are. They always have. As that fat kid with the breathing problems once told me at recess, Sonic is cool and Mario is gay. As though this was an insult, and not just a sign of a guy with much better fashion sense and standards of personal hygiene than the rest of us.

True enough, their first party output has always been on the family friendly, toontastic side. Not to mention their commercials, cutesy enough to make all the hairs on your scrote stand on end. But hey, they’ve tried all sorts of things to get the hardcore, old-enough-to-legally-drink gamer on board. When the Gamecube launched in 2001, Nintendo secured a deal with Capcom to get the whole main Resident Evil backlog ported, and an exclusive entry or two to boot.

The console may have been bright purple, and resembled a Hello Kitty My First Handbag, but that doesn’t help the point I’m making at all. And the point is: Nintendo-branded ecstasy tablets.

Spoiler: this isn’t an official Nintendo product. Just in case you thought they’d taken their attempts to woo the cool core crowd a little too far (I know, mom, drugs are not cool). Just bizarre news from Merry Old England earlier this week, where three teens were rushed to hospital after taking ‘super-strength ecstasy pills branded Nintendos to cynically appeal to youngsters’ at a club.

Seriously, what will dodgy back-alley drug dealers come up with next?

Destructoid, via The Mirror.

The Weekly WTF: Blob-based Weirdtastic With ‘A Boy and His Blob’

When I was a boy, what awesome, badass-exuding pet did I own? A fish. Named Archie. Now, Archie didn’t have poisonous fangs or laser eyes or anything else we wanted our pets to have as boys. He couldn’t kill on command (unless ordered to ‘kill’ those sad brown flakes that fish eat). Frankly, fish do shit all.

What a bum deal. While Eliot was flying through the motherfreaking air on a magical bike with E.T and phoning home, I had Archie. Leaving those long, weird trails of crap behind him and otherwise being a damn fish.
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Years Later, ‘Batman: Arkham City’ is Still Full of Surprises

There is nothing –effing nothing– that Arkham City can’t do. Along with predecessor Arkham Asylum, it was the game that convinced the world licensed titles don’t have to be huge steaming shitheaps. Which is a freaking miracle in and of itself; I still break out in hives at the mere mention of Superman 64.

These babies surpassed all expectations, from nerdly critic types and regular Hobo Joe players like ourselves alike. Now, three years later, we learn that Batman: Arkham City is the badass face-punchin’ gift that keeps on giving.

Somehow, a hidden easter egg within the game has just been found, having eluded capture longer than that creepy dude in the park who keeps exposing himself to strangers. As Kotaku reports, it’s connected with the enigmatic Calendar Man. We’ve seen this guy spouting his date-specific weirdery before, but this is a new one right here.

‘Turns out, if you set your PC to the date December 13th, 2004, you trigger special Calendar Man dialogue. The date seems random, but players speculate that it’s tied to a very special date. That’s the year that the developer behind the game, Rocksteady, was founded after all,’
quoth the report. It’s all very mysterious, and possible hints about Batman’s death and the end of the franchise abound. It could all be BS, of course, but you can check out the clip and ponder for yourself at the link above.