Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Nope, You’re Not Man Enough For the Game Boy XXL

Game Boy XXL

Modders, the mad, mad bastards that they are, can do some funky things with old consoles. Not for any specific reason, you understand. It’s all just a ‘hey, ma, look what I did’ attention seeking exercise. Did the world need a decrepit old NES console that can run Netflix? No, no it didn’t, but it has one now.

Then there’s Nintendo themselves. In a desperate grab at our collective cashtacular, they bust out remodel after remodel of their handhelds. The DS in particular went from a smaller ‘lite’ model to a larger XL, just to ensure everyone from dwarfs to 8 foot circus freaks can buy themselves a console to suit them.

Then there was that rather funky square-shaped Game Boy Advance, but we’re getting off topic. The point is, when crazy modders and Nintendo’s handheld remodel lust collide, this kind of thing happens. Meet the Game Boy XXL.

This monster is the work of Ilhan Ünal, Kotaku reports, and was built with a combination of an old 19” PC monitor, laser-cut MDF and the Raspberry Pi operating system. As I say, the whole ‘why’ thing doesn’t seem to matter here. Let’s just ogle his badass retro handiwork.

It’s functional, too; check it out getting its Tetris on back at the link above.

‘Resident Evil Zero’ Remaster to Hit Us With HD Skinless Gorillas

Resident Evil Zero

If anybody knows how to pimp out their success stories in the name of the almighty dollar, it’s Capcom. Just look at the company’s two biggest names, Street Fighter and Resident Evil. Apparently, if you stacked every different re-release of Street Fighter II (including, but not limited to, The New Challengers, Hyper, Ultra, Super and This-Time-It’s-Mothereffin’-Personal), they’d reach all the way to the moon and out to the planet Bastarding Cashgrab.

Resident Evil is no different. The seminal survival horror has had remakes and ports coming out of its ass since the original release in 1996. The Gamecube edition was perhaps the best remake of a game ever made, true enough, but that’s no excuse. There was also Resident Evil: Deadly Silence, a DS port featuring the brilliantly piss-takey first-person minigame Master of Knifing. That was worth the price of admission alone, right there.

But anywho, you’re surely aware of the recent next-gen re-release of the first game. It was hugely popular, which means only one thing: Capcom pumping out more of these mothers. Step forward, Resident Evil Zero HD.

Zero is a bit of an oddity. A Gamecube-exclusive prequel set two days before the events in the Spencer Mansion, it featured some fancy-ass co-op mechanics (dubbed ‘partner zapping’)and a whole freaking lot of leeches. If you’ve ever wanted to fight a huge creepy scorpion boss on a train, and you missed out the first time around, you’ll want to check this out on arrival in ‘early 2016.’

If you are one of those curious souls, take a quick ogle at the game in its original form, vintage 2002:

Via Destructoid.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: MediEvil 2

MediEvil2

If you’re already susceptible to being raised from the dead, it’s a safe bet that it’ll happen to you a couple more times. This is the principle that keeps mad bastards like Jason Voorhees coming back again and again and a-freaking-gain. After a while, they just stopped bothering trying to explain what resurrected him, just ‘in unknown circumstances’ was enough.

Skeleton knight Sir Daniel Fortesque died again at the end of MediEvil, having whupped Zarok in the scrote and fulfilled his destiny as hero. He was, true enough, dead for quite some time the second time around, until more dastardly and bastardly magic awoke him in the Victorian era. You see where this is going: it’s sequel time, buddy boy.

MediEvil 2 arrived in 2000, a PlayStation exclusive just like its papa. It’s a macabre action platformer not very far removed from the original, and is just as freaking awesome in my humble opinion. Let’s take a look.

The story kicks off 500 years after the events of the first game. Dan’s remains are on display in a museum in Merry Olde England, where Brit-tastic villain Lord Palethorn has found Zarok’s old book of magic spells. In what I can only imagine was a ‘#yolo’ moment, he decides to resurrect the dead of London, because that’s not a goddamn awful idea at all.

MediEvil2 b

So yep, zombies everywhere. But on the plus side, Dan gets up off his moldy ass as well as a side effect, and sets about dealing with this dastardly bastardly Palethorn.

If you played the first entry, you’ll know the deal. It’s a combat-centric platformer with some light puzzling going on, with a gothic-yet-humorous twist. Imagine Mario with swords, crossbows and axes, as created by Tim Burton, and you’re probably about there.

This time, the skeleton knight is cruising through the smog-ridden streets of Victorian London, with a steampunkish air to his weapons and gadgets. You’ve still got your standard fare from the original (yep, you’ll be ripping off your own arm to use as a club early on, like the unstoppable renegade from the depths of the devil’s ass you are), your sword and such, but then you can branch out a little. The primitive gatling gun in particular is a lot of fun.

MediEvil 2 changed very little from the first game. With regards to gameplay, interface and general gameishness, all’s really just as it was. There is that bizarre boxing minigame, and the love affair between Dan and an Egyptian mummy going on in the background, but otherwise this is just another slice of MediEvil in a different setting. But depending on how you slice it, that may not be anything to bitch about at all.

A Refrigerator Full of ‘Jurassic Park’ Games?

Jurassic Park Refrigerator

Yes indeed. A refrigerator. Full of SNES games. Just as it should be, natch. If you don’t keep your ol’ console cartridges in there with your spam and the super-masculine Dairylea Lunchables you take to work, what the hell’s the matter with you?

So, yes. The hypetastic for Jurassic World has been going on for far too damn long now. As the movie nears release, fans are surely exhausted by all the will-it-or-won’t-it-be-shit speculation. Beloved franchises returning after a long break is a tricksy business, and we don’t want our ol’ buddy Spielberg to pull a Jar Jar Binks on us.

But screw it, let’s be optimistic. Let’s be excited, and reminisce about the good old days of Jurassic Park. Not the movie, but the SNES tie-in which was miraculously badass. 300 copies of it, no less.

Could you possibly (effing possibly) think of a better use of $1500 than this? You bet your ass you couldn’t. But the deal is further sweetened by a couple other series games, including the Genesis edition which was also on the awesome side. I don’t know if that Bacardi is spoken for, but if that’s part of the package too then I’m sold.

I would be, in any case, if the eBay listing hadn’t (incredibly) already ended.

Via Kotaku.

A Little ‘Bloodborne’ Trolltastic to Start Your Monday Right

Bloodborne

As we know, Bloodborne makes you its bitch at the best of times. This is to be expected, what with it being the spiritual successor to Demon’s Souls and Dark Souls and all. You’ll get no mercy from a From Software title, buddy boy.

You know how it can be. Everything’s going relatively smoothly, you’ve got some loot and a key item or two. Maybe you’ve even beaten a boss without your scrote being smushed into spam. But a momentary lapse in concentration, and a lowly mob has murderised you. Bloodborne takes no prisoners.

As such, can’t we players just get along? Use the message system to leave friendly warnings and try to help each other make it through in one piece? Well sure, we could. But where’s the fun in that, when you can be a big ol’ asshole to everyone else instead?

Meet Corps Peau Rate, veteran Bloodborne-er and part time trolling ballache. His devious shenanigans add a little giant spider mauling action to any dull pvp session, in the Nightmare Frontier area. Have you met Patches the spider? He doesn’t appreciate house guests, particularly unsuspecting numbnuts like Corps’ victims.

My, ‘Batman: Arkham Knight,’ What a Freaking Horrible Live Action Trailer You Have

Batman

Live action trailers are real ballaches to do, and especially do well. The first thing you need is several shitloads of cash, to assuage any celebtastic you may have on board. The deepest of pockets are needed.

Next, and this is even more difficult: don’t make it shit. Leave it to the titan that is Call of Duty to show us how it’s done on both counts; their fake-a-kidnapping-so-you-can-play-Call-of-Duty-without-spousal-interruption short, ‘CODnapped,’ was great. Not the best use of all the cash from our frivolous DLC weapon skin purchases, but brilliantly done all the same. Those guys know how to promote.

But damn it, Bruce. What the hell happened here? Batman: Arkham Knight got its live action on yesterday, and… it’s horrific.

This little doozy looks like it was made on a budget of about four dollars. The kind that wouldn’t even get you a piss-poor porn movie in someone’s basement involving a housewife, a plumber and a pun or two about ‘large tools.’

Still, there is a little gameplay thrown in at the end there. And lots of cheesy inspirational messages. It’s like Rocky without the badassery. But it’s still Arkham Knight, and that’s reason enough to check it out:

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When The ‘Mortal Kombat X’ Cast Get Their Asses Whupped By An Old Woman

Mortal Kombat Blanche

The cast of Mortal Kombat are the angriest, edgiest, badassiest crew of gaming stars you’ll find anywhere. We’ve got thunder gods, acid-spitting lizardmen, unholy sorcerers, demons and undead ninjas who are on effing fire. We’ve even got cameos from horror superstars Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees.

Would you want to bring any of these crazies home to meet Ma and Pa? You would not (“Sure, son, she’s got a great rack, but the whole ‘having creepy-ass fangs and feasting on human flesh’ thing… it just doesn’t say long term prospects to me. There comes a time when ‘just fun’ isn’t enough any more, y’know?”). Because they’re all terrifying freaks.

But I don’t care who you are, or how many foes’ internal organs you’ve crushed into spam. There are some people you just don’t screw with. And one of them is… Blanche.

One of Mortal Kombat X’s spangly new touches is the dynamic arenas. Destructible environments are nothing new for fighters, but here you can use background objects as weapons. Including wandering pensioners. Blanche appears in the Outworld Marketplace stage, and she’s quickly become a cult player favorite. Because she’s freaking deadly.

You could already throw her like the pensioner projectile she is, but a recent Mortal Kombat X update added another new feature: Blanche’s very own Brutality. Check it out:

Via Kotaku.