Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Metroid

By Chris Littlechild | May 23, 2013 @ 9:51 am
Super Metroid Screenshot

As we saw earlier this week, Nintendo’s most bargainous of bargains continues in earnest. Super Metroid for a meager thirty of your Earth cents? This truly is the greatest deal since Two for One on Transexual Thai Brides Day at willhavesexforcreditcarddetails.com! As promised, we’re going to party like it’s 1994 and see what’s so damn special about Samus’s third space romp.
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Highlights of the Xbox Reveal- ‘Call of Duty: Ghosts’ Drops the Trailertastic (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 22, 2013 @ 11:25 am
Call of Duty- Ghosts Trailer
Call of Duty returns! With... a dog.

It’s always beneficial, when you’re introducing the world to your latest console, to bring along a heavy-hitter or two. The mighty caliber of announcement that’ll leave the janitor cleaning attendee’s crap off the seats of Swanky Gaming Conference Room #4 for days to come. What did the Xbox One show have? The cashiest, cowiest cash cow of all, that’s what.

Call of Duty: Ghosts had a tantalizing reveal of its own, with Infinity Ward stating that the game’s DLC installments will be timed Xbox One exclusives (what with Microsoft still having their ballsacks in a vice and everything). Previously, as you may know, they favored us with a little PR bullshittery, pledging to offer ‘a riveting all-new gameplay experience built on an entirely new story, setting, and cast of characters, all powered by a new, next-generation Call of Duty engine that redefines the series for the next generation.’ (-IGN)

Which is all well and good, but what we really wanted was a trailer full of delicious eye candy for our... eyeballs to chew on. Chew away, gentlemen, because they gave us one of those too.

Highlights of the Xbox Reveal: Meet Xbox One (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 22, 2013 @ 9:00 am
Introducing Xbox One Header
The Nextbox lands!

As the gaming-savvy among us are surely aware, yesterday saw Microsoft throw down their own glossy black next generation gauntlet. Mere months after Sony’s wang-waving event, the much-ballyhooed new Xbox has finally been revealed. The speculation-o-tron can stop suggesting such names as ‘720’ or ‘1080’ or anything else that brings nut-numbingly difficult skateboarding tricks to mind, as the console has been officially dubbed the Xbox One.

In a deft little PR move, this name gives Bill’s boys the opportunity to prattle on about their shiny new wonderbox’s multimedia capacities (All your entertainment... All in One and other such slogan-ing), which are introduced to us in the above clip. As a bonus, it also provides what Sony couldn’t: a decent goddamn look at the thing.

Take a look, and ponder just what in the name of holy hell games that feel like real life could possibly mean.

While ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Reviews are a Mixed Bag, Can We All Agree That ‘Star Trek’ the Video Game Sucked Monkey Nuts?

By Chris Littlechild | May 21, 2013 @ 9:00 am
Star Trek the Video Game Header

Even a half-assed, casual perusal-squint at rottentomatoes shows that no-one has got their shit together and conclusively proved whether Star Trek Into Darkness bites or not. Sure, the site’s consensus is that the movie is ‘visually spectacular and suitably action packed... a rock-solid installment in the venerable sci-fi franchise,’ and it has garnered an almost 90% approval rating from filmgoers and critics alike. You’d think that would suffice to send anyone that even registers faint stirrings on the nerd-o-meter to theaters; clutching their popcorn like an extortionately-priced sugary lifeline and making disparaging remarks about casting choices, continuity errors and departures from ‘what Star Trek really is.’

Nonetheless, there are always a few bastard party poopers poised to exclaim, Not so fast, buddy boy! Stop with your goddamn liking of things! This movie is like a train wreck upon an explosion at a nuclear disposal facility upon a meteor striking the Earth! The bugbear, it seems, is that the series was more of a subtle, character-driven affair, while J.J Abrams is bringing us a balls-out actiontacular summer blockbuster. Presumably, the amount of shits you have to give about this situation determines your enjoyment, or otherwise, of Star Trek Into Darkness.

Some things, though, need to be kept simple. We’re happy to report that one such thing is Star Trek the video game, released a month or so ago by Digital Extremes. There’s no such disparity here; this is confirmed by ACTUAL SCIENCE to be a digital heap of unholy horsecrap.

Star Trek the Video Game Screenshot

Image source: www.getsomegrapesoda.com

Every gamer in the cosmos surely got the memo that all games-of-the-film/TV series will be dire, and here’s another instance. What we have right here is a scrote-shrivelingly tedious, identikit me too shooter, a co-op action caper in which you and another unfortunate soul play as Spock and Kirk (“Did we mention that you play as Spock and Kirk? If that doesn’t sell this ballache, what the hell will,” as the developers themselves were -certainly not- heard to state in a recent interview).

There is a little interest to be had: Spock specializes in the Vulcan nerve pinch and other stealthy shenanigans, while Kirk opts for a more Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-Predator guntacular approach. What they forgot, though, in their zeal-iness to make shitloads of unscrupulous cash from a license, was to check whether the damn game sucked and/or even functioned correctly. The result was the bug-ridden, farcical mess you see below:

Batman: Arkham Origins Brings Us a Trailer Worthy of Both the Dark Knight and… ‘The Dark Knight’ (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 20, 2013 @ 12:49 pm
'Pre-order to play as Deathstroke,' you say?
Batman Arkham Origins Official Trailer Header
Another bad, assassin-plagued day for the bat.

By which we mean it’s A) a fine showcase of the theatrical and dramatic-al slow-mo crotch punching we expect of the comic world’s most badass angry rich dude and also B) infused with the kind of dark, foreboding atmosphere Christopher Nolan filled the movies up to their celluloid eyeballs with (y’know, kinda. If you squint a little). It isn’t gameplay footage, true enough, but it’ll suffice to assure us that there’s something pretty damn special heading console-wards later this year.

This weekend, we saw the fleeting teaser of mano-a-mano combat betwixt Batman and Deathstroke, a snippet from this very scene. Today, Warner Bros. Games Montreal released a heaping helping of sweet, sweet ultra-violent context, with the extended video above. Behold, and look out for some cameo appearances.

Yes, Wii U-ers, Super Metroid for Thirty Cents IS the Best Deal in Gamer Guy History

By Chris Littlechild | May 20, 2013 @ 9:30 am
Super Metroid Deal Header

Those of us well-versed in the shenanigans of the Gamingverse know that Wii U is still vainly trying to get its shit together. Largely because, as is the case with PlayStation Vita, a great dearth of essential exclusives has shot sales right in the mansack. If this alarming trend continues, Japanese businessmen in clinical white office buildings everywhere will be unable to purchase that tenth solid-gold Humvee. And where will humanity be then?

Squarely in the shit, that’s where.

U-users do have such meatier-than-Kim-Kardashian’s-ample-asscheeks experiences as Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate to indulge in, and the family-friendly frolics of Nintendo Land and such, but these are rather niche. What’s needed, then, is a balls-out must purchase. Rather like the one that just recently deigned to appear (if you like to party like it’s 1994, it qualifies, at any rate).

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Batman: Arkham Origins Brings us its First Teaser Trailer: It’s Snowy, Showy, Punch-y and Kinda Sucky (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 19, 2013 @ 8:42 am
Batman Arkham Origins Teaser Header
Does ANYONE do a stubbly fury-face like Mr. Wayne? Hell no.

As with its fellow ball-busting blockbuster coming at the ass-end of 2013, Grand Theft Auto V, Batman: Arkham Origins does like firing out the subtle info-nuggets. In our last visit to the world Warner Bros. Games is creating, we saw a succinct summary of everything Origins-related to date. From what could be gleaned, free-roaming about Gotham will be a dynamic and actiontacular affair; there’ll be nary a corner of the place without a lurking shoplifter or car thief (or, presumably, one of those sleazy trenchcoat dudes that get their wang out in front of strangers in public parks) to gleefully pummel on.

What we haven’t yet been graced with is any form of gameplay trailer-ing. This... isn’t that either (quite yet), but it’s a tentative step closer. Behold, if you will, a little half-assed campy fisticuffs between Batman and Deathstroke, DC’s resident assassin; and stay tuned to Egotastic! for tomorrow’s more substantial trailer, as the above hints.

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