Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

‘South Park Pinball,’ You Say? Hell Yes, We’re Down For That (VIDEO)

South Park Pinball
Who could refuse?

Zen Studios’ Zen Pinball 2 is probably among the greatest pinball video games of our time. I don’t say this because a member of Zen’s lawyertastic has a pistol to my gonads and the cold, dead eyes of a maniac/reality TV contestant. I say it because it’s darn well true.

These sorcerous bastards seem to have that magic formula: getting the damn physics of pinball right for once and having a great crop of tables. Everything from Plants vs Zombies to Star Wars has had its own themed table, all designed really well.

The game’s major shortcoming, though, has been its lack of Cartman. Or Cheesy Poofs. Or Mr. Hankey the Christmas turd. Or questionable jokes about ethnic minorities. But fear not, gentlemen. To right this egregious wrong, a South Park-centric double pack is on its way to the game.

Whether you’re playing on the regular or the The Butters Show table, you know what you’re getting. Skill shots involving firing the ball into a toilet, Randy growing extra reward balls, and every freaking reference to the show these guys can fit on our TV screens. This, we can get on board with. Take a look above.

Via Destructoid.

Hannibal Lecter in Blur-o-Vision: ‘Silence of the Lambs’ as a Retro Game (VIDEO)

Silence of the Lambs- 8-Bit Cinema
Hannibal's looking a bit funky.

Ah, Hannibal Lecter. You wacky funster. When you aren’t wearing horrific masks that resemble items of Medieval torture, or giving serious thought to eating our wives, you’re getting your game on.

That is to say, 8-Bit Cinema are back with another old school gameification (yep, that’s a thing). In this episode, it’s the turn of classic chiller The Silence of the Lambs. Buckle up, gentlemen, it’s a face-chewin’ good time.

You remember the movie, no doubt. Our ol’ buddy Antony Hopkins murderizing guards, snarling like an angry mofo and making the hairs on our scrotes stand on edge with his delivery of such innocent lines as hello, Clarice. It’s a good time all round. But we’ve never seen it like this before.

Behold the whole plot of the film, retold in four minutes of 8-bit glory.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Ikaruga

If you’re well-versed in the gamertastic, you’ll know one thing: Treasure are the masters of effing incredible shooters. Whether it’s cult classic Gunstar Heroes or the balls out, look-at-me-I’m-a-freakish-bird-dude-in-a-spacesuit-with-a-laser madness of Alien Soldier, you can’t argue with this stuff.

These guys have essentially made the genre their bitch. You need a delicate balance of pulsing soundtrack, compelling gameplay, unique hook and/or scoring system, bullets-amundo and a shitstorm of lighting effects to get this right, and these bastards have nailed it.
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Man, ‘Sims 4’ Modders Sure Like Their Sim-Cooches and Sim-Wangs

Now, as every ogling gentleman knows, there’s a good time and a bad time to get your leer on. When your wife’s in the vicinity, and isn’t the leer-ee, that’s the wrong damn time. Remember: formidable ogling powers were bestowed upon us, and we have to use them with care. As Spider-Man’s uncle said, with great power comes great responsibility.

So don’t, for eff’s sake, ogle your Sims. That’s like the anti-ogling. Don’t spend mod-tastic hours lovingly crafting pubes for them, or perfecting the size and coloring of a Sim-lady’s areolae. That way lies Crazy Town.

But it’s just another day in the wacky world of PC game modding. Whether it’s about a fetish for inch-high digi-people, or they just think that blurry shower pixel thing looks like shit (which it does), this is a real thing that’s happened. Games getting the nekkid treatment are rife, but the series has never put quite this much effort into the spectacle before.

Presumably, it was a slow news day over on Kotaku. They’ve treated us to a in-depth study of all things Sims-genitalia based. You don’t want to click that link, but it’s there. Just for those sticklers who know you can’t call character customization ‘comprehensive’ until you can choose the exact shade of your gal/guy’s nipples.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Hits us With Both Barrels of Launch Trailertastic (VIDEO)

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare 3
Watch Video

We don’t even make it ten seconds into this trailer before Kevin Spacey announces, what you’re seeing is... advanced warfare. That’s just the kind of tone-setting badassery we’re dealing with here.

And damn right it is. The game’s November 4 release marks the culmination of many months of hyping and preorder wrangling, so it’s time to shine now. It’s time to pummel us with blurbs like transcends the line between game and film and reinventing Call of Duty multiplayer in a profound way.

Sure, they’re the same blurbs from last time, but there weren’t quite so many studly dudes bellowing or helicopters on effing fire then. We’re getting serious now, so put your pants back on and pay attention.

There’s a little gameplay, a dash of futuristic melodrama, and more explosions than you can probably handle on a Monday morning. One thing’s for sure: Call of Duty’s back in style.

A Nice Little Dose of Homicidal Crazy-Ass From ‘Hatred,’ the Most Goretacular Game You Ever Saw (VIDEO)

Hatred Screenshot
He sure looks pissed.

I just effing hate this world, and the human worms feasting on its carcass.

It’s Friday morning, guy. It if were Monday, we’d agree with you, but... calm your undercrackers. This is a heavy one, gentlemen. Buckle up.

But hey. Hatred is not a game to calm its undercrackers. Those undercrackers will never be calmed, because this dude is pissed. with a capital P, I, S, S, E and D. Nothing is explained. We don’t know who, what, when, where or why, but we know one thing: this is more bullet-flailing violence than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s entire movie repertoire could muster. It’s kind of horrific.

Now, a little gore in movies and video games never hurt anybody. Whether it’s Call of Duty, Resident Evil, The Walking Dead or whatever you happen to be playing/watching, there will be deaths. Remember those Elvis impersonator dudes from GTA 2? Running them over en masse and getting the ‘Elvis has left the building’ message for doing so? Sure, we did it, and laughed like the cruel, cruel bastards we are. But this is something else, right here.

Your victims in Hatred aren’t enemies. They aren’t terrorists, mobsters or any other assholes who could use a good hatchet to the gonads. They’re just civilians, cruising about the street and begging for their lives as you mangle their bodies so badly they’ll find an eyeball on the other side of the highway.

As Destructoid reports, on the one hand, ‘according to the game's website, this seems to be some sort of rebuttal to the company's perceived political correctness in games nowadays.’ On the other, as they also report, it’s 'as effed up as they come.’ Think Postal, without the sense of humor.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Sure, ‘Smash Bros.’ is TOTALLY Like Having Sex

If there’s one thing the Internet has an ample supply of (not sexually-frustrated housewives wanting to show you their cooches in exchange for your credit card details, another thing), it’s dickish theories. The global freedom of the interwebs means that any dumbass with fingers can blog about whatever takes their fancy.

You know the sorts of things that kooks need to bring to the planet’s attention. The old classic ‘Martians stealing brainwaves’ talk on, that cat conspiracy to overthrow us and take over the world... it’s all there, and it’s all effing nuts.

But this? This is a step too far. This week, Destructoid’s Sup Holmes asks Is Smash Bros. Just Like Sex?

Now, we’re with you in the ‘slowly building up to an explosive, crazy-ass lightshow finale’ sense (well, if you’re having your sex right, that is). But elsewhere in Nintendo’s toontastic brawler, you’ll find all kinds of not sexy.

But it just goes to show, if you want something enough and your horny heart is pure, you can appreciate the sexiness in anything. It’s like one of those inspirational after school specials gone x-rated.