Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

‘GTA Online’ Hosts its San Andreas Anniversary Weekend

Has it really been ten years? Ten years since CJ, mothereffin’ combine harvesters and the piss-poor simu-sex of the Hot Coffee mod? Well, of course it has. That’s what I’m telling you. Pay attention, damn it.

Yes indeed, October 26 marks the tenth anniversary of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. This was the game that wanged the seminal series into the third dimension (sure, GTA 3 had already done so, but this one did it with much more panache and/or badassery). It’s still regarded by many as the PS2‘s best, and right up there with the greatest ever made.

So let’s celebrate its decade-iversary in style. Or, we could follow GTA Online’s lead, and have a half-assed and slightly wank little party in its honor.

If you’re well-versed in the ways of Online, you’ll know the deal. DLC packages are a small crop of new vehicles/weapons/missions, and special occasions? They get the ol’ double XP treatment. Hold on to your scrotes for the wildest, drunkiest, vehicle-suspension-upgrades-now-25%-off-iest partay you ever went to.

Yep, San Andreas-themed tees and double GTA$/RP can all be yours for one weekend only. What a time to be alive.

Via IGN.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When ‘Dead or Alive’ Takes its Love for the Boobtastic Too Far

The notoriously norky Dead or Alive loves the tits. It loves them even more than we do, and that’s some impressive dedication right there.

The jugged-up fighter has been wobbling, jiggling and gravity-defying since 1996, and they’re damned if they’re going to stop now. The formula has been refined down to 'sweat physics,’ which make skimpy tops increasingly see-through as they fight. So, clearly, we’re nearing the pinnacle of perky perfection.

Well, not so much 'perfection.’ These bouncier-than-two-trampolines-in-a-hurricane boobs couldn’t be any less realistic. But these mad bastards know what they like, and they’re sticking with it. Which has now led to... this.

Yep. If the bounciest bounce that ever bounced isn’t already enough mothereffin’ bounce for you, Dead or Alive 5: Last Round is here to help. The latest series innovation is the Yawaraka (‘softness’) Engine, which Kotaku reports is ‘...the result of attempting to up the visual realism of character skin in order to make characters look more naturally realistic on the latest platforms.’

And why the hell not? We all know why we bought our PS4s and Xbox Ones: for the ‘softer’ tits. Of course we did. As game producer Yosuke Hayashi says, "The reason that fans would think the game must be on the latest generation is that 'the girls look cuter [on the latest consoles]... Once you see it on the new consoles, you won't be able to go back."

We don’t know how customizable characters will be here, or just what we'll be able to adjust with this. All we know is that it’s just the latest step in Dead or Alive’s chesticle domination.

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: When Super Mario and Super Nazi Penises Collide

I... don’t know. I really, really don’t.

Mario, as we know, is the embodiment of all that is good in the gaming world. What with his merry woohoos and his ceaseless princess rescue-ery, he’s a goodly hero of the highest order. As he cruises through the cheerful, primary colored vistas of the Mushroom Kingdom, rainbows shine out of his asshole and flamboyantly camp unicorns with fancy-ass British names like Hubert-Smythe follow in his wake.

In short, this is family friendly cutesiness taken to a whole new effing level. A level where I’d be shot in the face just for that ‘effing’ in the last sentence there.

Which is all well and good. But sometimes, even the best of us go bad. Y’know, like one of these Disney Channel child stars who become serial cooch-flashers in later life. In Mario’s case, it’s a midlife crisis. With Nazis, giant penises and evil vaginas.

Just for clarification, Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 isn’t an official Nintendo release. What we have here is an odd hack of Super Mario Bros. 3, long regarded as one of the mustached bastard’s best. In its original form, the game was another innocent goomba-stompin’, platform-leapin’ good time. Here, it all got a little more risque.

You can see where they were coming from, I suppose. The thought process and all. The link between Mario and bizarre walking dicks is clear to see, I’m sure. Replacing power-ups with huge collectable condoms? Seems reasonable. Having them turn you into an actual dick upon picking them up? Nothing screwy there.

My only real complaint is Mario’s choice of outfit. He’s either one of those notorious bigoted bastards, or that’s his Pyramid Head Halloween costume. Either way, it’s uncool.

Nevertheless, there’s something brilliantly, awesomely juvenile about this. Apparently, there are few games that aren’t improved by adding as many f-bombs as possible to proceedings. When the main menu offers you the choice between ‘one effer’ or two effer’ mode (single player or co-op), you know you’re onto a good thing.

If nothing else, you don’t get to see Mario’s fireballs replaced by tiny angry swastikas every day. You can blame Cracked for bringing this to our attention.

‘South Park Pinball,’ You Say? Hell Yes, We’re Down For That (VIDEO)

South Park Pinball
Who could refuse?

Zen Studios’ Zen Pinball 2 is probably among the greatest pinball video games of our time. I don’t say this because a member of Zen’s lawyertastic has a pistol to my gonads and the cold, dead eyes of a maniac/reality TV contestant. I say it because it’s darn well true.

These sorcerous bastards seem to have that magic formula: getting the damn physics of pinball right for once and having a great crop of tables. Everything from Plants vs Zombies to Star Wars has had its own themed table, all designed really well.

The game’s major shortcoming, though, has been its lack of Cartman. Or Cheesy Poofs. Or Mr. Hankey the Christmas turd. Or questionable jokes about ethnic minorities. But fear not, gentlemen. To right this egregious wrong, a South Park-centric double pack is on its way to the game.

Whether you’re playing on the regular or the The Butters Show table, you know what you’re getting. Skill shots involving firing the ball into a toilet, Randy growing extra reward balls, and every freaking reference to the show these guys can fit on our TV screens. This, we can get on board with. Take a look above.

Via Destructoid.

Hannibal Lecter in Blur-o-Vision: ‘Silence of the Lambs’ as a Retro Game (VIDEO)

Silence of the Lambs- 8-Bit Cinema
Hannibal's looking a bit funky.

Ah, Hannibal Lecter. You wacky funster. When you aren’t wearing horrific masks that resemble items of Medieval torture, or giving serious thought to eating our wives, you’re getting your game on.

That is to say, 8-Bit Cinema are back with another old school gameification (yep, that’s a thing). In this episode, it’s the turn of classic chiller The Silence of the Lambs. Buckle up, gentlemen, it’s a face-chewin’ good time.

You remember the movie, no doubt. Our ol’ buddy Antony Hopkins murderizing guards, snarling like an angry mofo and making the hairs on our scrotes stand on edge with his delivery of such innocent lines as hello, Clarice. It’s a good time all round. But we’ve never seen it like this before.

Behold the whole plot of the film, retold in four minutes of 8-bit glory.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Ikaruga

If you’re well-versed in the gamertastic, you’ll know one thing: Treasure are the masters of effing incredible shooters. Whether it’s cult classic Gunstar Heroes or the balls out, look-at-me-I’m-a-freakish-bird-dude-in-a-spacesuit-with-a-laser madness of Alien Soldier, you can’t argue with this stuff.

These guys have essentially made the genre their bitch. You need a delicate balance of pulsing soundtrack, compelling gameplay, unique hook and/or scoring system, bullets-amundo and a shitstorm of lighting effects to get this right, and these bastards have nailed it.
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Man, ‘Sims 4’ Modders Sure Like Their Sim-Cooches and Sim-Wangs

Now, as every ogling gentleman knows, there’s a good time and a bad time to get your leer on. When your wife’s in the vicinity, and isn’t the leer-ee, that’s the wrong damn time. Remember: formidable ogling powers were bestowed upon us, and we have to use them with care. As Spider-Man’s uncle said, with great power comes great responsibility.

So don’t, for eff’s sake, ogle your Sims. That’s like the anti-ogling. Don’t spend mod-tastic hours lovingly crafting pubes for them, or perfecting the size and coloring of a Sim-lady’s areolae. That way lies Crazy Town.

But it’s just another day in the wacky world of PC game modding. Whether it’s about a fetish for inch-high digi-people, or they just think that blurry shower pixel thing looks like shit (which it does), this is a real thing that’s happened. Games getting the nekkid treatment are rife, but the series has never put quite this much effort into the spectacle before.

Presumably, it was a slow news day over on Kotaku. They’ve treated us to a in-depth study of all things Sims-genitalia based. You don’t want to click that link, but it’s there. Just for those sticklers who know you can’t call character customization ‘comprehensive’ until you can choose the exact shade of your gal/guy’s nipples.