Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Have Yourself A(nother) Merry Little ‘GTA V’ Christmas

Grand Theft Auto Holiday

Our ol’ buddies at Rockstar have always known how to do the holidays right.

Last year, the whole of Los Santos was enveloped by snow for a few days. Driving conditions ‘round Grand Theft Auto way were already treacherous enough, what with constant drive-bys and dickish players running down newbies in their tanks, but why not? It looked pretty damn cool.

If you’re going to spend the holdays anywhere, why not right here? Nothing says festive funtimes like crushing someone into highway-jerky with their own car and careening into the sunset with no effs given. So, Grand Theft Auto V, what do you have for us this Christmas?

Another seasonal selection of downloadable extras, naturally. It’s a similar deal to that Independence Day event they had, which offered cut-price explosives and other tools of destruction to all (just like our forefathers wanted). First up is two new weapons, courtesy of Ammunation: the homing launcher and the proximity mine.

If you’re in the market for something a little less deathtacular, why not an extra property? You can now own up to three, and they’ve thrown in a Christmas tree to decorate them with. There are also two big ol’ mothereffin’ beefy man-trucks to add to the vehicle roster, in the shape of the Vapid SlamVan and the Bravado Rat-Truck.

Then there’s the usual crop of clothing and accessory items. You know where they’re going with that. Hit Kotaku for footage of the new content in action.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Nintendo Wants to FREAKING KILL US This Holiday Season

Whacked- Wii Injury

As we know, the tabloids hate video games. Games are the cause of any and all of society’s ills. These guys have a field day when they hear that the latest ghastly-ass serial killer was a Grand Theft Auto or Manhunt player.

The recent furore over Hatred is proof enough. Tasteless murder-em-ups just can’t get a break.

You’d expect to find Nintendo at the opposite end of the spectrum. When was the last time you saw Mario with a hooker, or flipping off his boss, or throwing grandma under the wheels of a speeding SUV? Never, that’s when. These family-friendly funsters have no effing time for that sort of thing.

But that doesn’t stop them getting the shitty end of the press stick. When the 3DS was released, Merry Olde England’s newspapers couldn’t stop bitching about it. That 3D effect would melt your goddamn eyeballs, they promised. This week, we’re having a hyperbole-tastic holiday with a little more BS from the Daily Mail.

Nintendolife brings us this report from a British medical journal, which concludes that a Wii may –may– be a safe gift this Christmas (assuming that there’s anyone still buying the damn thing by this point). But you’ll have to take care, as ‘several life-threatening conditions can be triggered by your console.’ Hernias, incontinence and ‘Nintendo Neck’ after the jump.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Snatcher,’ the Manliest Christmas Game You Ever Saw

Snatcher Header

You know how it is with Christmas movies. They’re often of the flowery, namby-pamby, Lifetime TV-y variety. The Grinch’s heart suddenly grows three sizes, breaks that measuring device and he’s not an asshole any more. Everyone has a bit of a dance and there’s jangly music and all that sort of BS.

At no point do muscular dudes stride in and shoot seven shades of shit out of each other. There are very few terrorist plots for Bruce Willis or Sly Stallone to foil, and almost zero explosions. For shame. We are men, manly men with chest hair and everything, and we demand a little good ol’ fashioned violence in our movies.

Now, there’s Die Hard. And I seem to remember Arnold Schwarzenegger punching a freaking reindeer in the face in Jingle All the Way. But we’re not counting that one, because it’s balls. Which leaves our Christmas entertainment at… one movie. And, as it happens, one game. Gentlemen, meet Snatcher.

Weird-Ass Weirdery From Nintendo: Donut-Shaped Gaming Coming Our Way

Nintendo Donut

Ah, Nintendo. You crazy, crazy bastards.

Many of the industry’s more eccentric ideas came from these guys. Back when the DS was announced, a touchscreen handheld device was the kind of witchcraft that would’ve seen your ass burnt at the stake a century ago. Today, even freaking Grandma Egotastic has a stylus-pokeable smartphone, which just shows how ahead of the curve Nintendo are.

Not that it’s always worked out so well. The world was not ready for the migraine-inducing ballache that was the Virtual Boy. It was kinda sorta cool to thrust your actual goddamn face into that magical visor of three dimensions, but the seizures and eyeball-meltings soured the whole experience. Still, they tried.

But the question is, what in holy balls are they trying now?

The Japan Times brings news of a bizarre new deal between Sharp and the Big N. The former have been working on ‘advanced liquid crystal displays that can be shaped freely according to user demand,’ the report states. ‘Nintendo is considering creating a hole at the center of the display, making it doughnut-shaped.’

This is all we know for now, but it’s damn well interesting. After touch screens, visors, motion control and the Wii U tablet gamepad, I suppose donut-shaped gaming is just the next logical step. Could they have an even more crazy-ass console in development? We’ll have to wait and see.

The Japan Times
, via Kotaku.

More Holiday Gametastic from CoinOpTV: The Hottest Games of the Month

CoinOpTV- December 2014

The holiday season is a time for togetherness. For sharing and giving, and for seeing those assholes in the family who only appear once a year (and remembering why that’s the case). As such, it’s a good time for some communal gaming.

Or for getting your game on all on your lonesome, while your sister’s seventeen whining urchins are over and hopped up on chocolate. Whichever works for you.

Spending four hours explaining to great grandma how the controller works for Wii Sports. That first Game Boy you were given in 1991. For all of us in the Gamingverse, these memories can define this time of year. So, CoinOpTV, what should we be playing this holiday season?

December 2014 isn’t the most ball-busting month for video games. Depending on how desperate you are to bust out Captain Toad’s Treasure Trackers or some BS like that. Still, the pick of the crop is worth a perusal.

The first installment of the Game of Thrones game, Iron from Ice, has arrived, as has Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris. Then there’s The Crew, which has been dicking us around with its promise of drive-really-quite-fast-indeed action for some time now. Fancy-ass cars, boobtacular archaeologists, an extra little dose of Halo… what’s not to like?

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Holiday Lemmings

Holiday Lemmings

This could just be plain ol’ Lemmings. It could. But who am I to refuse to follow suit with every freaking TV commercial/show just now? It’s the holiday season, so here comes one more Christmas special for the Scroogetastic bastards among us to whine about.

Don’t worry, Ebeneezer. Once those three ghosts scare you into being less of an asshole, you can get over here and enjoy Holiday Lemmings with the rest of us.

First, a quick refresher, just for those too drunk to remember gaming stalwart Lemmings in its original, non-festive form. This platform/puzzler first hit the Amiga in 1991, and is based on the whole lemmings-over-the-cliff-like-the-crazy-little-dudes-they-are thing. In each stage, a number of them will shuffle along automatically, into, over and through any hazardous obstacles that happen to be present.

Your objective is to save their asses (or at least a certain percentage of their asses) by assigning each of them a skill. This is a sort of job, and affects their behaviour. A ‘blocker’ lemming will stop moving and prevent his fellows from passing, while a ‘floater’ (which isn’t a turd joke) can safely parachute down from great heights. Climbers, diggers and miners are also available, but your uses of each are strictly limited.

With a time limit to work against too, you’ll have to bust your balls to size up the situation and lead these gormless guys to the exit. Lemmings was a huge hit for its unusual premise, nutty charm and cutesy-ass lemmings themselves. The franchise is still doing the rounds today, having been ported to just about every damn machine capable of running it.

And now that we’re up to speed, it’s time for the real star of the show: Holiday Lemmings.

Holiday Lemmings 2

Nine midgets a’climbing.

This originally saw the light of day as the demo Xmas Lemmings. It had a mighty four different stages, and was… fairly wank. A few years after the release of the regular game, it arrived in full-on gametastic form. Over in Merry Olde England, in was named Christmas Lemmings, but that’s a little too on the nose for us in the US of A.

Think of it as Nights: Into Dreams’ ‘Christmas Nights’ spin-off, just with more levels and effing lemmings everywhere.

For all intents and purposes, it’s the same damn game, just with alternate levels and a festive makeover. You know what that means for lazy-ass developers: throw in some snow and jangly music, and you’re there. Just about every platformer does this somewhere or another, but did they have lemmings in santa suits? Damn right they didn’t.

To get a little taste of the holiday spirit, check it out below. But watch out for the most piss-poor rendition of Jingle Bells you ever heard.

When ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ and Cutesy-Ass Disney Characters Collide

Five Nights at Freddy's Fan- Mickey

Let’s be frank. Five Nights at Freddy’s is soul-shatteringly, bowel-voidingly, I-wish-I-had-more-than-one-pair-of-undercrackers-ingly terrifying.

Now, let’s be franker: no, it’s not. That’s BS. But it’s what Youtube Let’s Players would have us believe. Have you seen them, gurning for the camera and howling like a chinchilla being put through a mangle at every jump scare? Seriously, guys.

What we need is for the game to live up to the theatrics. To bring us true horror. So, naturally, there’s only one man to call. Mickey mothereffin’ Mouse.

Yup. A Freddy’s fan is working on a creepy little homage set in Disney’s Treasure Island. It’s a work in progress, but we’ve been given a taster of how it’s shaping up. It’s a similar affair to the original, tasking you with flipping betwixt the feeds of different cameras to keep watch on the… things that are lurking around. Said things in this instance are an animatronic Mickey and his buddies.

This one’s a little different, though. Lights and doors aren’t a factor, as Kotaku reports. Instead, the malevolent mouse is completely blind, and detects you by sound. When it enters the room, you’re given a brief window of opportunity to switch off one of your cameras. This lures it away from your office, enabling you to survive the single night that the demo currently spans.

For more on the progress of the project, watch the clip below and hit the link above.