Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Final Fight

The golden age of gaming was ludicrously punchtastic. Everywhere you looked, there was punk/villain/monster/robot ass to kick. It was enough to make even Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sly Stallone scream shit to this, and choose to star only in wank Tom Hanks-flavored romantic comedies.

Y’know, Golden Axe, River City Ransom, Streets of Rage and all of that good stuff. If you weren’t scrolling from left to right and crushing angry dudes’ gonads into pudding as you went, you were gaming wrong. Today, we have another fine specimen of this: Final Fight.
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Remember Sony’s Freaky Fleshtastic PS2 Commercials? We Didn’t Either, But… Damn

As they always say, sex sells. We don’t know who the hell they are, but they’ve clearly got some insight into our ogle-happy ways. Nothing sells a product like a young lady in her undercrackers, after all.

Sony’s PR dudes knew this back in the fledgling days of the PlayStation 2. Alas, this was lost in translation when it came time to advertise the console in France. Ad agency TBWA were given the job, and sexy it was not.

Perhaps Mr. Sony’s French wasn’t so good. He meant to ask for a little female flesh to be involved, and instead he was given women peeling off skin-sweaters, human skin being shed snake-style, plus all manner of hideous abominations from the depths of the devil’s ass.

It all started with some perfectly chaste inflatable sex dolls and panty sniffing, and quickly took a turn for the debauched. Check out the gallery above, it’s like a bad-to-worse flip book. If you click fast enough.

Thanks for the nightmares, Kotaku (via Reddit).

A Whole Lot of Guntastic Violence in the Windy City: Check Out Chicago, ‘Watch Dogs’ Style (VIDEO)

Watch Dogs Chicago
Chicago, as you've never seen it before. Or maybe you have.

If any game has brought us the ‘city playground’ thing of late, it’s Grand Theft Auto V. The expansive metropolis of Los Santos has it all: drug dealers, bullets flying around your gonads if you step into the wrong neighborhood, golden beaches populated by lithe ladies in tiny string-up-their-cracks swimwear... Just like its real-life inspiration, our beloved L.A.

Who needs missions, stages, objectives or any of that video game-y BS? Here, you could spend hours merrily dicking around with high-explosives on the highway, or whatever else took your fancy. The same concept is at the heart of Watch Dogs, but they’re claiming to take players’ freedom still further.

We’ve seen all the free-roaming parkour hacktacular involved many times. In this new trailer, though, we get a glimpse of the depth of the world Ubisoft has created. Every NPC you pass has their own story, and will react intelligently to the world around them, we’re told. Presumably, this will be limited to will run away when Aiden starts tearing shit up, but the insight your hacking skills lend to each passer-by is intriguing. And a little stalker-ish.

Take a look above.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Lady Gaga Loves Her Some ‘Minecraft’

Lady Gaga will not and cannot be stopped. She has talents we non-famous mortals can only dream of: warbling her poptastic craptastic into a microphone, cavorting about on stage dressed as a scrotum, showing her undercarriage to anyone in the vicinity with a zoom lens, and... y’know, all those other things she’s so adept at.

But who the hell knew she also has such a proclivity for video games? Well, anyone who pays attention to her music. Which isn’t anyone around here, that’s for damn sure.

Now, you don’t have to be subjected to one to know that Gaga’s music videos are usually a shitstorm of weirdness. That’s just how she rolls. And we care because the clip for her latest single, G.U.Y, took an oddly nerdly gamer-turn. It’s a crazy-ass cameo from Minecraft, in which Gandhi and Michael Jackson are brought back from the dead.

This follows the Wii nunchuks cropping up in her earlier Bad Romance video. What’s next, Lady G cruising along the red carpet with only a length of string and a Game Boy covering her cooch? If she hasn’t already, it’s so hard to keep up with her exhibitionism. Her list of Stupid Shit to Wear Over My Genitals Before I Die must be pretty much complete by now.

Via Kotaku; hit the link to check out the offending moment from G.U.Y.

‘Wolfenstein: The New Order’ Fancy-Ass Collector’s Edition Includes Everything… Except the Game

If you’re dedicated to the gamertastic, you’ve surely ventured into the seedy world of the collector’s edition. In exchange for twice or thrice the amount of your Earth dollars, all kinds of fan-extras await. Figures, art cards, soundtrack CDs, hardback books for the more ambitious offerings... It’s all there, it’s all frivolous and it’s all damn well needed. Apparently.

Still, let’s not forget the primary purpose of our purchase (that’s fun to say): the game itself. Unless you’re Wolfenstein: The New Order. Like the fearless renegade bastards from the depths of the devil’s ass that they are, these guys haven’t even included the game in their special edition.

It’s a fancy looking collection, for sure. Look at that packaging! The little robo-dog thing! The stupid amount of imaginary documents! How could Wolfensteinaholics with a spare $100 resist? The only kick in the ass here is the empty steel case to house the game. Which is not included in the Panzerhund edition.

Now, when you buy a Collector’s Edition of Wolfenstein: The New Order, it’s not unreasonable to expect to find effing Wolfenstein: The New Order somewhere in there. So when the police find you pounding on the windows of the developers’ office with your bloodied fists, howling where’s my bastarding Wolfenstein, you’ll definitely have right on your side. This isn't a new idea, what with Dead Space 3 and such doing the same in the past, but still: say what?

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: Clinton’s Cat Beats up Nixon and George W. in ‘Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill’

Yes indeed. Feast your eyes, ears and balls on that headline.

If you aren’t proficient in useless presidential pet knowledge, here’s the deal. Socks was the name of Clinton’s cat, which the family owned from before his presidency until he left office (at which point it lived with his former secretary, because the Clintons’ dog was being an ass to it). But why are we giving any effs about our ol’ buddy Bill’s feline friend?

Because it once averted an imaginary nuclear disaster, that’s why.

Socks the Cat, for some crazy-ass reason, once starred in his own platform game. The premise of which, as neatorama reports, makes perfect sense:
“Socks... must get to the Oval Office to warn the president about a stolen nuclear bomb. To do that, he must defeat villains including Russian spies, the press corps, and former presidents Richard Nixon and George H.W. Bush.”
So, Metal Gear Solid with a freakin’ cat. So far, so awesome. We’re on board.

Socks the Cat 2

Screens of the game being so elusive and/or tedious, here's a cat. It's not Socks, and it's looking pretty pissed at not being REMOTELY as famous.

This weirdness was scheduled to hit the Genesis/Mega Drive and SNES in Fall 1993, but was cancelled just before its US release. This wasn’t due to its political satire, but because developer and publisher Kaneko died on its ass at the critical moment. And so most of us were denied Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill. And what lucky bastards we are.

From the shady ROMtastic footage that exists (below, for instance), we’re really not missing anything here. In theory, the plot sounds like the sort of thing that would have Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone shooting shit right up in your local movie theater. Y’know, cat aside. But then you play --or you don’t, because you can’t-- and it’s a fairly pedestrian toony platformer. What a kick in the ‘nads.

Still, credit where it’s due: you don’t see surprise put-these-dudes-in-order-of-when-they-became-president quizzes much in video games. Or cats being so proactive in times of nuclear crisis. Most are content to sit and lick their own balls, with no effs given to whatever disaster is rolling towards them. So there’s that.

Don’t be an Ass on Xbox One: Microsoft’s ‘Punishments’ are Coming!

Online gaming, as we know, has its share of dumbassery and dickishness. It comes in assorted flavors. There’s the aspiring rapper growling BS about hos into his headset. There are the guys who eschew that sort of thing, and just have Eminem cleaning out his closet or lettin’ you finish in a minute at 1,000,000 decibels an inch from their mics.

A bigger pain in our gamer asses, though, are the trolls and griefers. FPS players in particular are surely familiar with the scourge of hatemail; woe betide anybody who dares to beat these bastards in a video game. They will whine at you. They will question your sexuality and/or your mother’s proclivity for binge-eating. They will not trouble with spelling or grammar or any of those trifles, because they’re pissed and they damn well want you to know it.

But not on Xbox One, buddy boy. Apparently. Microsoft have revealed details of the console’s upcoming reputation system, and how they will punish infractions. IGN reported today that players:
“...will only be warned at first about bad behaviour including griefing or foul language... this will quickly escalate if they don't change. Anyone whose personal rating drops too low will find themselves repeatedly paired with gamers who have a similar status. Other privileges will also be revoked, including the ability to use Twitch functionality and broadcast.”

This will be accompanied by something similar to Xbox 360‘s Rep, with simple color-coding separating the goodly greens from the repeatedly-reported red players. The system won’t be abusable, Microsoft promise, but how the hell that’s possible remains to be seen. Hit the link for more details.

Via IGN.