Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Meet the Next Villains (Apparently) Appearing in Batman- Arkham Origins #2: Scarecrow and Killer Croc

By Chris Littlechild | May 2, 2013 @ 9:10 am

Worzel Gummidge has let himself go. And he already looked like shit.

View the Gallery / 2 Photos »

As we saw in the last installment, those shenanigans with the Batman: Arkham Origins promotional standee showed just some of the crazies that will feature in the new title. The Joker, Deathstroke and Black Mask are thus far confirmed as a few of the renegade badasses from the depths of the devil’s dick we’ll have to contend with.

Still, as Grandma would always say, you can never have too many homicidal crazies in shit-tacular garish outfits. In the gallery, then, behold the latest announced additions to Arkham Origins: the nefarious and ridiculous Killer Croc and Scarecrow.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Tetris

By Chris Littlechild | May 1, 2013 @ 9:05 am

How many video games are such massive assholes that they have a medical malady named after them? Tetris, that’s how many. The nefarious ‘Tetris Syndrome,’ which sent those damn shapes cascading down our bloodshot eyelids (from the inside) long after our craptacular, chunky enough to serve as a weapon to deter late-night prowlers in our homes Game Boys had been discarded for the night, was a rite of passage for many of our youthful gamer selves.

Alexey Pajitnov birthed Tetris in Russia the early Eighties, when the Soviet Union decided it needed a form of entertainment rather more sophisticated than cruising about badly-plowed fields atop donkeys and/or thrusting ice picks through the craniums of political dissidents. A humble half-assed side project, he had no inkling of the remarkable phenomenon the game would become.

More Watch Dogs Wonderment: Furious Batman-esque Vigilantes, Balls-Out Action and a Release Date (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | April 30, 2013 @ 9:05 am

Aiden Pearce takes the stealthy approach again...

Ah, Watch Dogs. You continue to beguile us with these occasional glimpses into your technology-tastic futuristic Chicago. Much like Katy Perry and her interminable cleavage shows. How long until this charade ends, in a glorious cascade of molten enjoyment and revelation?

Well, many months, if the newly-bestowed November 21st release date is to be believed. For the game, that is; this isn’t the day upon which Miss Perry will show us her mighty, unbridled chesticles at last. Or it may be, but that’d be entirely coincidental; not a peculiar PR stunt for Watch Dogs or anything of that nature. Not that a tattoo of the title’s slogan across her boobs would go amiss, advertising guys.
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Mr. Mosquito: Because More Video Games Need to Let us Become Irritating Insects and Leer at Bathing Women

By Chris Littlechild | April 29, 2013 @ 9:15 am

We won't even try to caption this.

Who hasn’t always thought this? Nobody we know, that’s for goddamn sure. Fortunately, as is unerringly the case in today’s technology-tastic world, there’s an app for that. Which is to say, there’s a demented Japanese game (where else but the home of vending machines full of panties and other such pervy shenanigans?) courtesy of the wacky funsters/nutbags at ZOOM Inc. for that.

Released in 2001 for the PlayStation 2, this action oddity casts us as an ugly-ass, lumpen mosquito. Now, there’s no more hateful little barrels of bastard in the cosmos than these things, which perhaps suggests there was a cavernous niche in the market for a bizarre blood suck ‘em up. Which is what we have right here, as our objective is to extract sweet, sweet life-juice from the veins of the unwitting Yamada family.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Lara Croft’s Chesticles, Lingerie and…A**holes

By Chris Littlechild | April 26, 2013 @ 9:42 am

View the Gallery / 3 Photos »

This week’s gaming shenanigans return us to an issue (an issue that makes nerds issue in a tissue, if you will) that amazed many of our youthful selves back in the nineties: Lara Croft’s magnificent boobitude. It’s sure been a strenuous quest from two twin sacks full of jagged, jagged triangular steel to something that actually resembles real-life ladylumps. Now, as part of Unwinnable’s ‘sex week,’ we have a slightly alarming, digital stalker-ish reminiscence of just what Ms. Crofts’ endowments mean. It’s like science. Sweet ogle-y science with boobs on.

Elsewhere in this installment, you can learn which recent release took a righteous smiting to the gonads from Sony’s censoring stick (spoiler: it’s the one with bastard and asshole in the title), and admire the apparently plainly obvious PR genius that is selling lingerie by pretending to game in said fancy undercarriage. This must be seen.
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Next Xbox Reveal Dated. Breath Bated. Black Market Organ-Purchasers Located

By Chris Littlechild | April 25, 2013 @ 9:12 am

The most exciting 'bland text box with green strip' there ever was.

Well, maybe not that last bit. We could be optimistic and cross our fingers, toes, and balls that this thing won’t cost about as much as the entire national debt of Sub-Saharan Africa. But, as Grandpa Egotastic always told us (before we had to take him to that home because of his new getting his dick out in public thing, the wacky old funster), technology doesn’t come cheap. Evidently, there’s several craploads of it coming our way in May, as Microsoft announced yesterday.

As we know, Nintendo’s Wii U -while a perfectly passable box o’ entertainment for those with a penchant for their family friendly, toon-tastic shenanigans- has all the next-gen eyeball hemorrhaging raw power of a one-legged puppy with a limp scrote. As such, Sony’s recent look how many dudes in suits have shits to give about this thing, and/or have proclaimed it ‘revolutionary’ and ‘groundbreaking,’ it must be damn awesome PlayStation 4 presentation marked our first fleeting sight of the next generation. Here comes the next.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Asteroids

By Chris Littlechild | April 24, 2013 @ 9:20 am

Last week, we brought you the ancient wonderment of Space Invaders. Here, then, is its equally decrepit brother-in-arcade-arms, Asteroids; another chunky enough to presumably withstand a direct hit from a ballistic missile fatass cabinet release from the Seventies. Because, lest we forget, this craptacular era of ill-advised hairstyles/hideously unfashionable ‘fashion’ worthy of capital punishment was also the much-ballyhooed golden age of arcade games.

Who doesn’t harbor fond nostalgia-tingles in the underpants region at the very thought of Asteroids? Nobody we know, that’s for damn sure. It was also born into a simpler, more Richard Nixon-flavored time, before developers got their shit together with regards to, y’know, even supplying a half-assed attempt at a narrative.

In today’s Gamingsphere, you can embark on a complex, Metal Gear Solid-standard cinematic shitstorm of a narrative. Back in 1979, though, when a ‘development studio’ consisted of a single dude with an old typewriter scratching his wang on the couch, this was not the case. In an exclusive interview, Asteroids’ creator said of the premise, ‘you shoot many, many Asteroids right in their space stone-y faces. Why? Because screw you, that’s why.” (No he didn't.) What more did we need to know? Nothing, that’s what.