Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Final Fantasy

Hold on to your asses, gentlemen. It’s Final freaking Fantasy, right here, one of the most beloved series in all of gamertastic. Y’know, back when it didn’t suck pretty damn bad, as it’s been doing of late (let’s be frank, XIII was all kinds of a ballache). Today, we’re going way back to its roots, to the very first release.

Let’s party like it’s 1987 and take a look.

This was the year Final Fantasy hit the Famicom (like the NES, but much more Asian). It’s the simple nutty-ass story of four heroes, four magical orbs of magical effing magic and a whole damn lot of random battles.
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Latest ‘Madden 15’ Trailer is Far Too Damn Excited, Needs to Lay Down Awhile (VIDEO)

Madden 15 Trailer 2
This is EXCITING, right here. We must bellow!

Some voice work is legendary. You’ll remember, of course, James Earl Jones making Mufasa the sexiest, manliest man-dude of a lion there ever was. He could drop lady lion panties at fifty paces, like some kind of furry Barry White. And it was all thanks to our ol’ buddy James and his charismatastic ways.

Then, just to redress the balance, there are dickish voiceovers. Something like Joe Pasquale prattling on about hemorrhoids, or a gameshow host feigning enthusiasm.

In that second category of douchery, we have this latest trailer from Madden 15. It brings us a little gameplay from The Gauntlet, one of the skill training modes. Here, you’ll complete drills and challenges and such. Which, frankly, we could have been told without this irritating dude bellowing at us.

Sorry! O. V. E. R. It’s over!

Piss off, you. We’re not trying to coerce a kid who hates baths into the tub, so stop spelling it out.

‘Alien: Isolation’ Wants to Party Like it’s 1979

Ah, preorder bonus shenanigans. There are few things more apt to piss off the gamertastic among us. Remember the Watchdogs shitstorm? We had to choose between the Signature Shot Pack, the Breakthrough Pack, the Bloom Agent Pack, the Cyberpunk Pack... there were about twenty of the damn things. Nobody could have all of the extras, and nobody was amused.

Except Ubisoft, who cackled merrily about the whole thing while lounging on a pile of our cashtacular. Not that we’re bitter, or miserable ol’ cynical dudes. Except we totally are.

Anywho, Alien: Isolation recently showcased the game’s nostalgic DLC missions. With these, you can play this potentially-awesome-yet-probably-hopes-crushing survival horror as the original cast. Ian Holm is the only exception, he ‘appears as Ash via "likeness and sound-alike,’ Kotaku reports. The Crew Expendable and Last Survivor DLC lets us cruise through different sections of the iconic sci fi movie.

Both were set to be dastardly preorder exclusives, but no more. One of Sega’s bignobs --who may or may not have a big nob-- has confirmed that these bonuses will be available to all players ‘at a later date.’ Late and with a price tag dangling from its hindquarters, we’ll wager, but it’s better than a kick in the ass.

For more details on the DLC, hit Kotaku.

Check Out the Games You Must –Effing MUST– Buy This Month, From CoinOpTV (VIDEO)

The Last of Us Remastered
Yep. Good call.

Nope, it isn’t optional. These guys are the angry badass gang-dudes of the video game recommendations world. Like nerdlier versions of Liam Neeson in the Taken movies, they will find you, and they will kill you.

But hey, when you’re right you’re right. And if it’s badassery like The Last Of Us: Remastered that you’re hawking, then you’re damn well double-right.

Yup, here’s CoinOpTV with the pick of July 2014‘s gametastic. As our ol’ buddy Robert Welkner states above, the Summer isn’t the most stellar time for releases. More of a quick-get-that-shit-out-the-door-before-anybody-notices sort of time. It comes every year, just after E3 has given us the middle finger with everything we will be able to play... at some point in the distant future. But hey, a regular feature is a regular feature.

So feast your eyes on the best releases of the month. Besides a spangly new edition of The Last of Us, there’s Child of Light on Vita, Sniper Elite 3 and Forza 5, among others. Perhaps pickings aren’t so slim around here after all.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Turns Out, Video Games WON’T Effing Kill Us All

Hold on to your butts, The Sun is up to some shenanigans again.

When it comes to adding topless women to UK newstastic for no damn reason, nobody does it better. These guys brought the world the illustrious Page 3, like the no-effs-given ogling badasses they are, and we love them for it. So don’t get the mistaken impression that there’s piss-takery of any sort going on right here.

Even so, their reputation for sensationalism and/or rabid BS is legendary. Remember the headline Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster? No, no he didn’t, and that’s the whole reason we have trust issues. So what the hell can we expect from their recent feature GAMING: MORE ADDICTIVE THAN HEROIN?

Wait, scratch that. It wasn’t phrased as a question. It was more of a Gaming is More Addictive Than Heroin, Mothereffers. Soon You’ll be Giving Great Wads of Your Cash to Shady Dudes in ‘Da Hood’ to Feed Your Filthy Habit. Do You Want Grandma and Great Uncle Sebastian to Have to Come Over and Have an Intervention? DO YOU?

But, y’know, you’ve got to keep your headlines short and snappy.
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The Weekly WTF: Y’Know, A Lot of Things in Video Games Look Like Wangs

Eat your heart out, The Sixth Sense. Seeing dead people is one thing, but seeing freaking dicks everywhere is a whole new kind of terrible affliction.

In this charmingly boner-based throwback to 2010, GamesRadar show their journalistic credentials. Their renegade, no effs given, riding-straight-into-the-mouth-of-hell-on-grandma’s-mobility-scooter philosophy. Their willingness to cover the vital issues of our time, which lesser bastards would steer clear of. Issues such as Things in games that look a bit like penises.

Now, the humble danglers have always had a slightly disturbing yet undeniable place in games. If there’s a customization option, you can bet that someone’s tried their darndest to make themselves a dick with it. PS4‘s spangly space shooter Resogun recently added a ship creator, and what happened there? A ream of flying space-gonads firing angry manjuice lasers, that’s what happened.

This presumably says something about society as a whole, but we won’t get all sciencetastic on your asses. Instead, let’s just appreciate the chutzpah this guy needed to have to announce to the Internet that ‘I've had a folder named 'Things in games that look a bit like penises' on my desktop for quite a while now.’ Check out the contents of said folder here, from Metal Gear Rex’s arm to a pig-dude’s hand that is the spitting image of a bellend.

How can you pass up an offer like that? You damn well can’t.

New ‘Titanfall’ DLC Brings Another Slice of Mechtastic Badassery (VIDEO)

Titanfall Frontier's Edge
More of this madness? Sure.

With Destiny inbound, Titanfall has to get its shit together. It doesn’t want to die a death. A big ol’ metal-y, parkour-y death.

Was May’s Expedition DLC pack enough to lure you back into the Titans’ clutches? Or did it simply keep your love affair with the big ol’ mech dudes going? Are you not assed either way? Whatever the case, Expedition brought dynamic game modes, maps, the so-dramatically-named-you’ll-shit-your-pants Marked For Death... the usual business you’ll expect from an FPS expansion.

If these are the kinds of shenanigans you like then hold on to your crotch, because the Frontier’s Edge DLC is on its way to Titanfall. It’s another fairly standard issue offering, as you’ll see from IGN’s lowdown above. Three new maps are included, with what sounds like a fancy-ass beach resort (Haven) among them.

No release date has been disclosed yet, but we’ll see if this is worthy of ten of your Earth dollars soon.