Strap yourselves in and hold on to your butts, all. There’s a whole lot of dumbassery coming your way.
Now, the next-gen consoles are quite pricetastic. Well, kinda sorta. Before partaking in the Xbox One/PS4, you want to know that your bucks-to-badass-entertainment ratio is going to be favorable. You want to be sure to make the right choice.
This can be determined by the crop of exclusive games that appeal to you more, the launch titles available to each, or any other non-crazy factor. Alternatively, you can opt to cruise over to the UK PS4 launch, where rabid fans queued with numb ‘nads (it’s pretty damn cold in London in November) to buy this shiny new mofo. Can you guess which console they suggest?
Spoiler: it isn’t Xbox One.
If you’re still on the fence, then, the above clip is sure to be of no help at all. Still, it’s worth a look just to see the response to the question do you have any smack talk for Xbox One players?
No, seriously. Which is it? We can’t effing tell.
Both of the much ballyhooed next generation consoles have arrived now, and there’s one thing that’s plain: technically, there’s little to choose between them. As Mr. Resident Evil, Shinji Mikami, told Edge Magazine:
“We only need one console. Why do I have to make two versions of a game? And when Xbox One was first announced it had lower specs than PS4, but now they’re almost identical… so either will do.”
‘Either will do’ may not be the most ballbusting of jargon, but this guy is the inventor of the Jill Sandwich. If he doesn’t know his shit, who the hell does? So there it is: the specs are much of a muchness. Mr. Mikami has spoken.
Nevertheless, some of us won’t rest until they know their console of choice has more teraflops, gigabytes and doohickeys rammed up its USB port than the other. Just for those guys, IGN have prepared a little next-gen Call of Duty comparison. On Youtube. Where the difference is even less perceptible than it already was. Huzzah!
Now, the Sun isn’t England’s finest export. That raving drunk with all the cats who keeps getting busted for crapping on the sidewalk would probably be a better source of daily news (or so the Sun-bashers will tell you). Still, they know what they like. And what do they like most of all? Boobs.
Yes, this irreverent British tabloid’s USP has always been Page 3. Because sometimes, reading of the latest horrifying natural disaster or murder can bum you out. As such, they kindly switch tack on the next page and bring us a hot young woman thrusting her nipples at the camera. That’s sure to get our peckers up again, in every possible sense. Sun, on behalf of gentleman oglers everywhere, we like your style.
But not last Friday, we didn’t. To celebrate PS4‘s European launch, another round of Sony shenanigans were in order. So the newspaper’s hallowed third page became a big ol’ ad for the console. It simply reads, Apologies to Rosie, 22 from Middlesex. Today’s Page 3 is for the players. We appreciate Sony knowing their target audience and all, but couldn’t we have had the PS4 and our daily newspaper-y leer? Is that too much to ask? IS IT?
Or, y’know, something to that effect. They’ve stopped being assholes to each other for now, at any rate; a possible first step towards world gaming peace.
As the above image will attest, Team Xbox penned a congratulatory Tweet for PlayStation 4′s launch day. It’s hardly reaching Shakespearean sonnet levels of enthusiasm and affection (unless he wrote one called Actually, on Second Thought, She’s Not Really That Sextastic. Must’ve Been Drunk. She’s Got a Lazy Eye and Her Nose is Off-Center. Which he didn’t, because ol’ Will would never have managed to fit that title on the page), but it’s nice enough all the same.
It’s a cutthroat industry, after all. These bastards aren’t above making utterly shit-tastic puns at their competitors’ expense. Remember Sega does what Ninten-don’t? How the hell do you fight such ball-busting wit? You don’t, that’s how. You simply book yourself into the nearest hospital’s burn unit and hope it’s the hot nurse’s night on sponge bath duty.
But anywho. Sony responded by wishing the impending Xbox One good luck, Destructoid reports. So, will the next generation of gaming be a friendly one? Not judging by the general unpleasantness of Youtube comments on the matter, it won’t.
For the less observant among us, it’s (US) PS4 Day! Next-gen triangle, circle, ‘ecks’ and square buttons are being rabidly pummeled across the country as we speak. If you’re still undecided about purchasing the spangly new console, it can only –ONLY– be because you haven’t seen this little slice of insanity yet.
As we all know damn well, when you have a new games system to showcase there’s only one man to call: Ice-T. This great bastard both raps and acts (rather craptastically), so he could surely turn his gargantuan talents to any field he wishes. Y’know, like the badass Renaissance man he apparently is. Earlier this week, he did just that for The Late Show with Jimmy Fallon.
Here we see a show-closing demonstration from PlayStation bigwig Richard Marks. It’s another look at PS4‘s in-built PlayRoom app, which uses all manner of virtual sorcery to bring a crew of midget-ass robots to life in our living rooms. It’s all rather impressive, but the main draw of this clip is Ice-T kicking said ‘bots in the face, sucking ass at PS4-Pong and trying to wangle a free console. But why? He has 99 problems, but being unable to pay for a PS4 ain’t one. He’s probably good for it.
The PlayStation 4 exclusive Driveclub, as we know, is no longer going to make it in time for launch. It’s coming from Merry Old England, after all, so presumably an overturned tea truck on the highway is delaying its arrival.
The upshot of this business is that PS Plus subscribers will instead be receiving crazy-ass platformer Contrast at launch (in place of the free special edition of this free-roamy racer as originally intended). Does this mean that genre fans will have no rubber to burn until ‘early 2014’? It doesn’t. Feast your eyes, ears and balls on this footage of Need for Speed: Rivals.
This little doozy will be released for the current and next generation consoles, and is a rather sexy looking throwback to Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. Which means police chases, crazy stunts and a general lack of regard for the speed limit. The above is oddly reminiscent of your average carnage-laden drive through Los Santos in Grand Theft Auto V. Which is, naturally, all kinds of a good thing.
Yep, the next generation of consoles arrives in the U.S next Friday (that is to say, half of it does). As Nintendo’s hulking man-beast of a C.O would say, my body is ready! Except, what with being the badass bossman of Nintendo and all, he presumably wouldn’t in this instance.
But for any bodies that aren’t quite ready yet, here’s another installment of Sony’s series of launch trailers for PlayStation 4. This time, we bring you a heaping helping of enthusiastic blurb-ing from developers; that favorite weapon in the PR arsenal.
Grand Theft Auto V and its vast, dynamic, hooker-shootin’ world wowed us all in September. Now, with the benefit of next-gen tech, take a look at the next level of the free-roaming experience. Watch Dogs and Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag head up the brief showcase above.