Olivia Munn comes in and out of our lives like an old girlfriend who we can’t shake. Only, she never was our girlfriend and we never got to nibble on her toes after sex like we always imagined. Maybe that was before sex, as it’s hard for me to imagine doing anything but watching a ball game after. Still, the Olivia Munn allure was so strong for so many years, it felt like we really had something there. Then Olivia went off to network television and a couple horrible movies and we had to take a break. She just looked frazzled and tired and not in the lost weekend good kind of way.
Olivia has since returned with full throttle sextastic, including her cleavy red carpet winning appearance for the premiere of Deliver Us from Evil. I’m sure the film is awesome, though I can’t say I remember hearing about it, but not nearly as eye-popping as Olivia in a low cut top that really wouldn’t take much effort to lower even further. If only my telekinetic powers weren’t currently being restrained by a cadmium shield placed around my brain by the government. I’m pretty sure that happened. Or maybe this throbbing is just a hangover. In any case, Olivia, let’s reconnect. You can be the girl next door and I can be the ruffian you fool around with to make your daddy angry. Enjoy.
Okay, I’m going to bitch about Transformers: Age of Extinction, and I’m pretty sure I won’t really like it, but I’m definitely going. I think that either says something about me or about humanity, but probably just me. I actually kind of dug the very first Transformers flick, and Megan Fox, well, that was iconic, but it’s been a long not so slow downhill since that title. Still, I’m every bit the sucker. And, how I wish Nicola Peltz would pick me off the rack to lick. Yes, I said that.
The hot young femme fatale making her big breakout feature in the new Transformers movie was flashing all kinds of my-time-is-now at the Hong Kong premiere of the film this week. Indeed, Nicola, your time is now. And probably for many more years to come. The combination of sextastic and talent on this girl mean’s the sky’s the limit. Now, hopefully she doesn’t get stuck with that cluck of a role they gave Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but either way, Nicola’s boobtastic is just ready to launch. I can feel it. Enjoy.
How to Train Your Sideboob. I’d watch that movie once or a thousand times. But here comes previously lightly known Greer Grammer, daughter of Kelsey Grammer, and on one of those MTV shows I can’t bring myself to watch. Naturally, I will turn my attention to hot girls with sideboob no matter the trouble, even the How to Train Your Dragon 2 L.A. premiere where Greer had her big coming out party, going a little risque for the otherwise family friendly event. Though I would note that there’s nothing more family friendly than sideboob.
There’s always a special thrill when next-gen celebrities get into the sextastic game with a nearly full commitment. Today, Greer Grammer, you have arrived at the doorstep of Egotastic! Push the doorbell and don’t be surprised if the front door mat drops you into a chute that leads to my basement bungalow. Bungalow sounds so much nicer than survivalist bunker. We will be very happy together. Enjoy.
Barbara Palvin continues to be the hottest woman I know named Barbara, strengthening her run at such a title with a tight white body hugging dress on the red carpet at Cannes for the premiere of The Search. Personally, my search is over, I’m ready to declare Barbara as my Memorial Day Weekend BBQ perma-date. We won’t eat so many hamburgers as we will consume the flesh of each other in a virtually sweaty manner, but that’s still a party in my book.
For all we rightfully make fun of the Cannes Film Festival, there’s no denying that it brings out an absolutely barrel full of the world’s hottest women, actresses, models, singers, celebrities, and just plain old fashioned hot young trophy wives. It’s quite a thing each May. Maybe, never year, I’ll be walking with Barbara down the carpet. I’ll be the guy everybody is pointing to and asking, who the heck is that idiot trying to pretend he’s with Barbara Palvin? Mission accomplished. Enjoy
The chances of me seeing the new Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie is somewhat in the percentage ballpark of me suddenly dunking in my next pickup basketball game, with the only difference that I still dream about dunking. Ah, Sandler. That being said, the film does serve as one of the many new breakout points for breakout teen starlet hottie Bella Thorne, who showed up to the L.A. premiere with her older sister Dani Thorne, the two getting quite cute and cheeky on the red carpet.
We occasionally see Dani Thorne in her more risque photoshoots on this site now that she’s of a slightly older age, while we now see Bella Thorne here all the time increasingly grown up in her wardrobe and appearance. It’s becoming quite a thing. The two stole the red carpet. Go Thorne girls, I bet you’ve got even more in your toolbox than what you’re showing. Enjoy.
I’ve really missed Blake Lively. She’s gone into semi-hiding the past couple of years, her and her long legs and hot body and alluring looks and poses. But when the gong sounds and it’s time for decked out A-lister on the red carpet, you can bet Blake will be there schooling the lesser girls in the art of winning every photographer’s attention.
So it was at the Cannes premiere for Mr. Turner, where Blake wore something expensive and important, I’m sure, but more importantly reminded me why I had her name henna tattooed onto a body part that is technically illegal to do in the Lower 48. Blake, someday, I’d love to have you as my dolled up arm candy to one of the important events I attend. Like the retro-arcade opening I’m going to next week, or waiting in line at the Donut shop for the first morning batch. I like to take my ladies around town to show them off. Call me, I’ll make you feel like a woman. Enjoy.
I can’t say Cannes is exactly where’d you expect to see Kendall Jenner, but what the heck. Tall, pretty, 18-year old girls are pretty much welcome anywhere they want to go. Blake Lively was also in attendance at the Grace of Monaco premiere at Cannes and she can light up a red carpet with hotness like nobody’s business. Joining the twosome in the sextastic was cleavy Adele Exarchopoulos from only one of the best erotic lesbionic films of last year that broke big at Cannes.
Quite an assembly at the snooty French film festival that does delight our visual senses annually with many of the world’s hottest women getting decked out to walk its massive red carpets. It’s a square deal for us gentleman oglers, especially since we’re never forced to go see these films lauded at Cannes as must-sees. No sir, bring me Godzilla! Enjoy.