Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Golden Axe II

By Chris Littlechild | March 11, 2014 @ 9:17 am

In 1989, the hulking angry-ass barbarian Death Adder was kidnapping royals, flailing his battleax about, and generally being dickish. He was the main antagonist of Golden Axe, the fantasy hack and slash many of us remember so well. Two years later, a sequel arrived, and so did --wait for it, you’ll shit-- another barbarian badass in need of a righteous sword-ing to the gonads.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Cubivore’ Brings the Creepiest Cuteness You Ever Saw. Ever

By Chris Littlechild | March 6, 2014 @ 10:03 am

This is some real Grade A madness, right here. Hold on to your undercrackers.

Video games allow us to pull the sort of crap that would be impossible in the real, tedious world. From Lara Croft’s ridiculous feats of athleticism to one-man Grand Theft Auto crime waves, virtual life is far more interesting. What do we have? Global warming and Justin effin’ Bieber. The shitty end of the stick, in short.

So, for indulging all kinds of weird fantasies (except those ones, take your perviness elsewhere), games are the way to go. And for everybody who has always wished to become a freakish, mutant cube-creature and bite the limbs off of other mutant cube-creatures, followed by entering the ‘love tunnel’ with a sexy female mutant cube-creature, there’s Cubivore.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Carmageddon

By Chris Littlechild | March 4, 2014 @ 10:19 am

Ah, Carmageddon. This unique little slice of outrage came at us all puns blazing (the sequel was rather brilliantly subtitled Carpocalypse Now) in 1997, and was discussed in hushed tones in schoolyards everywhere. If mom saw our youthful selves playing it, she may have shat herself, but prepubescent rebels had no effs to give about that.

This was many players’ first introduction to the scourge that is ‘video game violence,’ alongside the similarly blood-leaky Doom and such. But while the latter needed all its goretastic, what with the shooting-demons-in-the-gonads focus and all, what the hell happened here?
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Ute’- Sex Has Never Been Less… Sexy

By Chris Littlechild | February 27, 2014 @ 9:36 am

Everybody remembers that day, back in their youth. The day that our venerable and wise old grandma turned to us with a denture-y smile and said:
“My dear, sleep with every man you can get. To get more points, try to move in the right speed when you have sex. But don’t get caught! When you see another man coming closer, you have to hurry! Good luck!”

It’s an utterly pervtastic rite of passage we all go through. Of course it is. Ute seems to think this kind of crap is normal, at any rate.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Resident Evil (REmake)

By Chris Littlechild | February 25, 2014 @ 10:01 am

The original 1996 installment was, is, and ever shall be a classic. Its influence, its legacy, its hilariously, ballachingly bad voice-acting... it really is something special. And you know what that means: you can’t remake or otherwise mess with the game without unleashing a nerdly Internet shitstorm.

Many a flaming bag of crap has been left on a developer’s doorstep for just this reason. In 2002, though, a miracle occurred. A remade version of the original (pun-tastically dubbed ‘REmake’ by fans) surfaced, and was swiftly declared the definitive version of the game. Let’s take a look.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘LSD- Dream Emulator’

By Chris Littlechild | February 20, 2014 @ 9:30 am

LSD: Dream Emulator could almost --damn well almost-- qualify as a educational social tool. Parents who grew up on the mean, dodgy streets, and who have now become fancy-ass lawyers or something, don’t want their children to repeat their mistakes. How do they persuade their urchins that drugs are the Devil, right from the off? By showing them freakin’ Dream Emulator, that’s how.

“Take a look, Little Jimmy/Little Susan/Whatever. You see this crazy shit, right here? That face on legs, and the eyeballs in the walls? This is what drugs will do to you. So keep the ‘eff away, you hear me?”
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Smash Bros Melee

By Chris Littlechild | February 18, 2014 @ 10:02 am

When you’re a renegade badass with no effs to give, ‘retro’ can mean whatever you damn well please. In this case, it means 2001. This was the year that the world gazed in wonderment at Wikipedia and the iPod (whatever that is), as they were revealed for the first time. Which certainly sounds far enough back to us.

Most pertinently, though, it was the year of Super Smash Bros. Melee.
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