Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Metroid

By Chris Littlechild | May 23, 2013 @ 9:51 am

As we saw earlier this week, Nintendo’s most bargainous of bargains continues in earnest. Super Metroid for a meager thirty of your Earth cents? This truly is the greatest deal since Two for One on Transexual Thai Brides Day at willhavesexforcreditcarddetails.com! As promised, we’re going to party like it’s 1994 and see what’s so damn special about Samus’s third space romp.
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Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Boobs, Burgers and Bizarre Beverages

By Chris Littlechild | May 17, 2013 @ 10:04 am

View the Gallery / 3 Photos »

As you give another craptacular working week a vigorous mental middle finger, you’ll probably decide to celebrate by retiring to the local drinkatorium. This is no time to dick around with fancy-ass coffees with Kenyan names grown in remote mountainous regions of Italy (or vice versa, as the case may be), beer is needed. Strain it through your goddamn undercrackers if you want, we don’t care; it’s alcohol-o-clock.

But if you should decide to hipster it right up and go for a cappuccino or some such, be sure to take renowned ‘foam artist’/mad, mad bastard Nowtoo Sugi with you. Today’s star of the Whacked Out Week has one of the most scrote-shrivelingly-useless-yet-remarkable talents we’ve seen in an age, as you can see above.

And while you’re in the gallery, behold an amusingly irrelevant boob-slapping promotional game and the only restaurant in Canada that serves Chocobo Burgers. Nerdtastic!
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Because Sometimes Gigantic Flying Turds are Your Worst Enemy: Here’s ‘Toilet Kids’

By Chris Littlechild | May 16, 2013 @ 9:05 am

Who wouldn't push 'run' when there's a crazy guy with a turd-hat?

The realm of the ancient, decrepit scroll-y shooter is a bizarre one indeed. In the Eighties, awful arcade ballache Twinbee saw us piloting an odd little craft with stumpy Tyrannosaurus Rex-esque arms; shooting several shades of shit out of marauding fruit and/or kitchen implements. It was a little like a scene from one of those peculiar dreams our subconscious occasionally plucks from Satan’s undercarriage and thrusts before our bewildered eyeballs (although everyone kept their pants on in this instance).

There are a myriad of other examples, but only one of them features such nefarious enemies as urinals that fire piss-bullets at us. As such, naturellement, it’s the only one worth hearing about. Cork your ass and clench, then, because here comes Toilet Kids.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

By Chris Littlechild | May 15, 2013 @ 9:27 am

Much like video games’ own bizarre sentient testicle, Pac-Man, Sonic is a superstar. He never quite got his shit together in recent outings (there have been some major gimmicky ballaches of late. Why in the name of Satan’s scrote does he have a talking sword? WHY?), but the blue dude with the -usually cretinous- 'tude was probably the only legitimate 'rival’ Mario has ever had in the mascot stakes. In this installment, we present perhaps the pinnacle of the Sonic series: Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

His heyday was the early nineties, before the middle-aged spread/baldness set in and Hollywood stopped calling (unless they were taking the piss, as with the wonderful has-been cast of The Expendables). 1992, to be precise, saw the release of the sequel for Sega’s Genesis, which was much-anticipated after the original introduced the character with such balls-out zeal the previous year.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Continuing the Saga of the Outrageous Butt; Plus Space Invaders on a Mountainside

By Chris Littlechild | May 10, 2013 @ 9:40 am

Asstacular!

View the Gallery / 3 Photos »

For the less observant among the Ego-ranks, it’s Friday! Congratulations for surviving to the ass-end of another week without shitting in your boss’s wastebin, raising your fists heavenwards and exclaiming, Nuts to this, I’m going to travel to a snow-capped mountain and spend several painstaking hours crafting a bizarre-and-gigantic work of gaming art on the ground, using only the footprints from my chunky boots. That’ll show them! That’ll show them all!

Because that’s an actual thing that can happen, it transpires. Just ask Simon Beck, talented nutbag and star of this installment of the Whacked Out Week.

Elsewhere in the gallery, see how asses continue to be taboo ‘round Nintendo way, while dicks are entirely acceptable (if they’re famous dicks). Princess Peach also becomes that crazy harridan from The Ring who likes to crawl out of the devil’s rectum via our television sets. Because why not, that’s why.
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Grand Theft Auto’s Greatest Past Trailers: GTA III- 10 Year Anniversary Edition (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 6, 2013 @ 9:15 am

This sort of thing could ruin that guy's whole day.

We’ve all gleefully ogled the recent, wang-waving trailer for Grand Theft Auto V. Michael, Franklin and Trevor’s threefold narrative brought us many things: a head-on collision betwixt a craptastic old car and a train, a dude leaping from an apartment window in his skimpy little underpants as Queen’s Radio Ga Ga emanates from somewhere in the background, the kind of funky sideburns you just don’t see often enough in today’s society... you can fit a whole lot of crazy into a meager four minutes, it would seem.

The upshot being that we’re all very much in the mood to admire a few of Rockstar’s past vignettes. 2011‘s Grand Theft Auto III: 10 Year Anniversary Edition chose to forsake the character-centric introductory business, instead propelling several shitloads of pure actiontacular gameplay into our hungry, hungry faces.

It wasn’t a ‘new’ release (rather a re-imagining of the much-ballyhooed third game for iDevices), which provided the scope to simply show the great variety of the gameplay. Rooftop sniping? Driving a tank over a row of traffic like that army general who liked to drink between-drink drinks? This little doozy has/had you covered, with a little light flamethrower flambéing a row of cars for no goddamn reason to boot. Behold (again)!

Video Game Mammary-Memories: Peek-A-Boo Poker (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | May 5, 2013 @ 12:00 pm

Yes, yes we do.

Continuing our retrospective regarding all things somehow dubbed ‘sexy’ in the pre-internet era, we have... Peek-A-Boo Poker. Hold your nose and tie your nuts in a knot, because this is several simultaneous kinds of terrible.

In the early Nineties, the youthful, ardent oglers among us (which is to say, all of us) didn’t have access to the world wide web and its virtual porn bounty. Such sleaze-ery could only be gotten at questionable adult video stores with suspect stains on the floors, or on the top shelf of the local magazine emporium (complete with strategically-positioned ‘brown paper stuff’ to obscure the important ladyparts, lest innocent children see them and their eyeballs spontaneously combust).