I… don’t know. I really, really don’t.
Mario, as we know, is the embodiment of all that is good in the gaming world. What with his merry woohoos and his ceaseless princess rescue-ery, he’s a goodly hero of the highest order. As he cruises through the cheerful, primary colored vistas of the Mushroom Kingdom, rainbows shine out of his asshole and flamboyantly camp unicorns with fancy-ass British names like Hubert-Smythe follow in his wake.
In short, this is family friendly cutesiness taken to a whole new effing level. A level where I’d be shot in the face just for that ‘effing’ in the last sentence there.
Which is all well and good. But sometimes, even the best of us go bad. Y’know, like one of these Disney Channel child stars who become serial cooch-flashers in later life. In Mario’s case, it’s a midlife crisis. With Nazis, giant penises and evil vaginas.
Just for clarification, Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 isn’t an official Nintendo release. What we have here is an odd hack of Super Mario Bros. 3, long regarded as one of the mustached bastard’s best. In its original form, the game was another innocent goomba-stompin’, platform-leapin’ good time. Here, it all got a little more risque.
You can see where they were coming from, I suppose. The thought process and all. The link between Mario and bizarre walking dicks is clear to see, I’m sure. Replacing power-ups with huge collectable condoms? Seems reasonable. Having them turn you into an actual dick upon picking them up? Nothing screwy there.
My only real complaint is Mario’s choice of outfit. He’s either one of those notorious bigoted bastards, or that’s his Pyramid Head Halloween costume. Either way, it’s uncool.
Nevertheless, there’s something brilliantly, awesomely juvenile about this. Apparently, there are few games that aren’t improved by adding as many f-bombs as possible to proceedings. When the main menu offers you the choice between ‘one effer’ or two effer’ mode (single player or co-op), you know you’re onto a good thing.
If nothing else, you don’t get to see Mario’s fireballs replaced by tiny angry swastikas every day. You can blame Cracked for bringing this to our attention.