Game Feature Posts:

The Weekly WTF: Resident Evil 4‘s Ashley, Gaming’s Biggest Pain in the Butt

As we all know damn well, women aren’t meek damsels in distress. They don’t cry for studly dudes to rescue them from the top of dodgy towers. There are no poisoned apples or wicked witches, because our fine ladyfolk don’t have time for any of that BS. Not in real life.

If Bowser attempted to kidnap Peach in reality, she’d mace him and/or kick him right in the big ol’ green mansack. Because women are utter badasses who will not and cannot be stopped. They could kick our asses, that’s for damn sure.

Which begs the question: why is Ashley so effing effingly effing useless?
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: River City Ransom

The late eighties/early nineties were the formative years of gaming. It’s kind of like our college days, where we decide if we’re going to be a lawyer/stockbroker/caricaturist at the mall/alcoholic/bisexual. Apparently, while video games were at college, they decided that what they were going to be was pretty effing violent.

This was the era of the side-scrolling beat 'em up. The Genesis had Golden Axe, Streets of Rage, the notoriously lisp-tastic Altered Beast (wise fwom your gwave!) and so forth. You’d find them jostling for school-truanting youths’ attention in arcades with Final Fight. The message was plain: if you want to cruise from left to right and punch bad dude face, games have you covered.
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The Weekly WTF: Just What the Balls is the Deal with Street Fighter’s Blanka?

As we know, there’s a lot of weirdly weird weird-ass weirdery in fighting games. From Guilty Gear’s nine-foot-tall sex criminal dude with a sack over his head, to Tekken’s boxing kangaroo via Soul Calibur’s Spanish pirate zombie, it’s all pretty damn nutty around here.

For the best of the classic crazies, you need look no further than hairy-assed manbeast Blanka. And we’re checking him out right now, so put your damn pants back on and pay attention.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Final Fantasy

Hold on to your asses, gentlemen. It’s Final freaking Fantasy, right here, one of the most beloved series in all of gamertastic. Y’know, back when it didn’t suck pretty damn bad, as it’s been doing of late (let’s be frank, XIII was all kinds of a ballache). Today, we’re going way back to its roots, to the very first release.

Let’s party like it’s 1987 and take a look.

This was the year Final Fantasy hit the Famicom (like the NES, but much more Asian). It’s the simple nutty-ass story of four heroes, four magical orbs of magical effing magic and a whole damn lot of random battles.
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The Weekly WTF: Y’Know, A Lot of Things in Video Games Look Like Wangs

Eat your heart out, The Sixth Sense. Seeing dead people is one thing, but seeing freaking dicks everywhere is a whole new kind of terrible affliction.

In this charmingly boner-based throwback to 2010, GamesRadar show their journalistic credentials. Their renegade, no effs given, riding-straight-into-the-mouth-of-hell-on-grandma’s-mobility-scooter philosophy. Their willingness to cover the vital issues of our time, which lesser bastards would steer clear of. Issues such as Things in games that look a bit like penises.

Now, the humble danglers have always had a slightly disturbing yet undeniable place in games. If there’s a customization option, you can bet that someone’s tried their darndest to make themselves a dick with it. PS4‘s spangly space shooter Resogun recently added a ship creator, and what happened there? A ream of flying space-gonads firing angry manjuice lasers, that’s what happened.

This presumably says something about society as a whole, but we won’t get all sciencetastic on your asses. Instead, let’s just appreciate the chutzpah this guy needed to have to announce to the Internet that ‘I've had a folder named 'Things in games that look a bit like penises' on my desktop for quite a while now.’ Check out the contents of said folder here, from Metal Gear Rex’s arm to a pig-dude’s hand that is the spitting image of a bellend.

How can you pass up an offer like that? You damn well can’t.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Professor Layton and the Curious Village

When you’re a badass renegade from the depths of Satan’s ass, you can do whatever you want. You can sass your elders. You can buy tickets just to sell them for twice the price on eBay, like the big ol’ bastard you are. And you can definitely classify 2007 as ‘retro.’

This was the year that fancy-ass Brit (top hat and everything) Professor Layton hit the DS. The first installment, Curious Village, was pretty freaking obscure, and a hard sell at first. A nerdly palaeontologist with a boner for brainteasers does not a video game hero make. Or so you’d think.
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The Weekly WTF: What the Hell is Up With Resident Evil 4’s Iron Maiden?

Resident Evil, as any fan will tell you, has had its share of hideous flesh-things from the depths of the devil’s ass. Man-sized acid-spitting locust freaks, a zombie elephant, that creepy turtle dude with its skin on back to front... they’ve all come out to play at some time or another. It’s not pretty.

The bar of creepy weirdery has been set pretty darn high. Nevertheless, there’s one beast that hurdles straight over it, with its rubbery balls akimbo and no effs given. Meet the Regenerator, and its spiky buddy the Iron Maiden.
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