Game Feature

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Bloody Roar

Yup. Bloody-mothereffing-Roar. This one originally went by the name Beastorizer, which probably tells you all you need to know about the kind of badassery that’s coming at your faces right now. Buckle up, gentlemen.

1997 was a good year for fighters. Tekken 3 arrived, and is still regarded by many as one of the biggest and best nad-punching games of all time. On top of that, it was also the year of… Bloody Roar. Because if there’s one thing Tekken was missing, it was the chance to turn into a werewolf and beat up a six-foot bunny guy.

You may also know it as Bloody Roar: Hyper Beast Duel. Whatever you want to call it, Hudson Soft’s brawler hit the PS1 that year, ported from the original chunky-ass arcade machine. Let’s take a look.
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The Weekly WTF: Blob-based Weirdtastic With ‘A Boy and His Blob’

When I was a boy, what awesome, badass-exuding pet did I own? A fish. Named Archie. Now, Archie didn’t have poisonous fangs or laser eyes or anything else we wanted our pets to have as boys. He couldn’t kill on command (unless ordered to ‘kill’ those sad brown flakes that fish eat). Frankly, fish do shit all.

What a bum deal. While Eliot was flying through the motherfreaking air on a magical bike with E.T and phoning home, I had Archie. Leaving those long, weird trails of crap behind him and otherwise being a damn fish.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Castlevania

You don’t eff with Castlevania. This ol’ bastard has become a real gaming fixture. To date, there have been over forty entries in the series, and that’s pretty damn impressive. If I knew what fancy-ass words like ‘prolific’ meant, I’d be typing them in your face in Castlevania’s honor right now.

The franchise is approaching its thirtieth anniversary, and there’s only one way to celebrate that. With a heaping helping of snark and/or piss-takery, that’s how. So let’s party like it’s 1986 and look back at the very first Castlevania release. Which was called –just so our slow cousin Joe didn’t get confused– Castlevania.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Minority Report- Everybody Runs’ Sucks So Much That It Doesn’t Suck

Now, let’s be frank here: there are a lot of shitty movies and video games. When the two collide, there’s usually a black hole of pure shit-tacular, insatiable and unstoppable until it has eaten all the horrible crap in the cosmos. (Or, as you may know it, Superman 64.)

It’s easy to suck. Suck is all over the damn place. But only a select few are elevated to ‘so bad it’s good’ status. Minority Report: Everybody Runs is one of them. Buckle up, gentlemen. It’s going to be a bumpy, hilarious and completely demented ride.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: ‘The Legend of Zelda- Majora’s Mask’

In the early days of the 3DS, when scaremongering media dudes thought the 3D effect would melt our freaking eyeballs right off, Ocarina of Time 3D was a big deal. This was one of the biggest games ever made, portable and remastered and irresistible for many.

Its appearance in 2011 sparked a three-year session of Internet bitching, whining and petitioning for another game. For the nuttier N64 Zelda, Majora’s Mask, to be given the same treatment. If you’ve really got your shit together and know what’s been going on down Nintendo way, you’ll have heard the recent announcement: it’s happening. At effing last.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Deathsmiles’ and its Crazy-Ass Halloweentastic

If you’ve managed to briefly sober up in the last week or so, you’ll have noticed such trifles as the ‘days of the week’ and the ‘date.’ None of this BS matters much, but it does bear mentioning that Halloween has just passed.

And you know what Halloween means. Halloween specials, that’s what. Here’s one of our own, fashionably late. But hey, it works for reruns of The Simpsons. Those bastards show their Treehouse of Horror episodes in mid-July and ignore October 31 entirely. So hold on to your asses, here comes a Weekly WTF that’s creeptacular in more ways than one.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Turok- Dinosaur Hunter

Maybe you thought the Doom Marine was the pinnacle of mantastic in gaming. Cruising straight into the mouth of hell armed only with a pistol and a furious scowl? That takes some mothereffin’ chutzpah, right there.

Well, angry-ass gonad biting eyeball demons are one thing, but dinosaurs? Those bastards, you don’t screw with. When you’re taking a dump, they’ll mozy straight on in through the toilet wall and chew on your face. These guys have no damn clue about acceptable social etiquette.
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