Game Feature

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Turok- Dinosaur Hunter

Maybe you thought the Doom Marine was the pinnacle of mantastic in gaming. Cruising straight into the mouth of hell armed only with a pistol and a furious scowl? That takes some mothereffin’ chutzpah, right there.

Well, angry-ass gonad biting eyeball demons are one thing, but dinosaurs? Those bastards, you don’t screw with. When you’re taking a dump, they’ll mozy straight on in through the toilet wall and chew on your face. These guys have no damn clue about acceptable social etiquette.

The Weekly WTF: The Horrors of Mr. Resetti

Nintendo, as we know, is the home of family friendly funtimes. It’s all toontastic bright colors and rainbows shining from everyone’s assholes and all of that good stuff. Or so we’ve been led to believe. Somewhere behind the scenes, there’s a mad, mad bastard insidiously adding the creeptastic to their games.

That disturbing temple in Ocarina of Time? Super Mario Galaxy’s unexplained-yet-crap-your-pants-creepy lurking shadow ghost pervs? They’re all here, and they’re all damn weird. But none more so than… Mr. Resetti. Hold on to your undercrackers, he’s here for the Halloween edition of The Weekly WTF.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Duke Nukem 3D

Yes indeed, it’s Duke mothereffin’ Nukem. Grease your pectorals, dick about with your hair until it reaches Guile levels of dumbassiness, take your pants off, and pay attention.

As we all know damn well, the Duke is the pinnacle of man-tastic gaming heroes. He strides about with his cannonball-like gonads dangling in the wind, all sunglasses and shitstorms of bullets and questionable one-liners. Think of him as a blond Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who isn’t effing real.

In his honor, today we’re going to party like it’s 1996 and ogle Duke Nukem 3D, the biggest, badassiest and most important entry in the series. Along with Doom and Wolfenstein and such, this bastard right here showed the world the wonders of the FPS. But this one had boobs in.

The Weekly WTF: When Super Mario and Super Nazi Penises Collide

I… don’t know. I really, really don’t.

Mario, as we know, is the embodiment of all that is good in the gaming world. What with his merry woohoos and his ceaseless princess rescue-ery, he’s a goodly hero of the highest order. As he cruises through the cheerful, primary colored vistas of the Mushroom Kingdom, rainbows shine out of his asshole and flamboyantly camp unicorns with fancy-ass British names like Hubert-Smythe follow in his wake.

In short, this is family friendly cutesiness taken to a whole new effing level. A level where I’d be shot in the face just for that ‘effing’ in the last sentence there.

Which is all well and good. But sometimes, even the best of us go bad. Y’know, like one of these Disney Channel child stars who become serial cooch-flashers in later life. In Mario’s case, it’s a midlife crisis. With Nazis, giant penises and evil vaginas.

Just for clarification, Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 isn’t an official Nintendo release. What we have here is an odd hack of Super Mario Bros. 3, long regarded as one of the mustached bastard’s best. In its original form, the game was another innocent goomba-stompin’, platform-leapin’ good time. Here, it all got a little more risque.

You can see where they were coming from, I suppose. The thought process and all. The link between Mario and bizarre walking dicks is clear to see, I’m sure. Replacing power-ups with huge collectable condoms? Seems reasonable. Having them turn you into an actual dick upon picking them up? Nothing screwy there.

My only real complaint is Mario’s choice of outfit. He’s either one of those notorious bigoted bastards, or that’s his Pyramid Head Halloween costume. Either way, it’s uncool.

Nevertheless, there’s something brilliantly, awesomely juvenile about this. Apparently, there are few games that aren’t improved by adding as many f-bombs as possible to proceedings. When the main menu offers you the choice between ‘one effer’ or two effer’ mode (single player or co-op), you know you’re onto a good thing.

If nothing else, you don’t get to see Mario’s fireballs replaced by tiny angry swastikas every day. You can blame Cracked for bringing this to our attention.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Ikaruga

If you’re well-versed in the gamertastic, you’ll know one thing: Treasure are the masters of effing incredible shooters. Whether it’s cult classic Gunstar Heroes or the balls out, look-at-me-I’m-a-freakish-bird-dude-in-a-spacesuit-with-a-laser madness of Alien Soldier, you can’t argue with this stuff.

These guys have essentially made the genre their bitch. You need a delicate balance of pulsing soundtrack, compelling gameplay, unique hook and/or scoring system, bullets-amundo and a shitstorm of lighting effects to get this right, and these bastards have nailed it.

The Weekly WTF: The Boobs, Booze and Swearing Sheep of ‘Catherine’

Now, relationship troubles aren’t tackled much by video games. You want bullets flying around your ass and crazy arcade light shows, not some depressed guy whining that his wife hit him with her car again last night. Is that fun? It is not.

But still. Here in the land of the WTF, you never know when the crazy-ass is going to hit you. If Catherine wants to bring us relationship troubles with a crazy-ass twist, you can bet your balls that it’s going to bring us relationship troubles with a crazy-ass twist. All we can do is watch as a sheep repeatedly drops the f-bomb.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Mega Man 2

Oh bollocks. It’s this guy. Buckle up, gentlemen, because Mega Man’s here. These games don’t eff around.

Today, we’re partying like it’s 1988 and celebrating the most significant entry in the series. The one that propelled Mega Man to interstellar superstardom, and got him all the booze, hos and cannon-polishings (possibly from the hos, that’d be more efficient) a tiny blue space-badass could ask for. That’s just how it is in the A list.