chris-littlechild - January 23, 2015
Hey, wasn't that the name of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
Nope, it's much more disturbing than that. This one reminds me of all those euphemisms we're taught as children. All that when a man and a lady love each other very much business. Our parents didn't tell us that it's often when a man and a lady get effing drunk and horny on the bathroom floor of some sleazy nightclub. Because that's something we should find out for ourselves.
Similarly, by 'chocolate fountain,' we actually mean a constant and explosive (rocket-powered, actually) case of diarrhea, which is propelling our hero through the clouds. Because that's just the sort of thing we deal with here in the realm of the WTF.
Yep, this is a sidescrolling shooter hit by a gypsy curse. The cartoony, imaginary sort of gypsy; proprietors of carnival fortune telling booths the world over. These guys, as we know, are all bastards, cursing it up curse-tacularly cursily at the slightest provocation. But I've never seen them stoop this low.
While other entries in the genre go for the old-fashioned ‘piloting a weeny spaceship' approach, Icarus Proudbottom and the Curse of the Chocolate Fountain has no time for that. They've got something better: a guy with the shits.
Yup, that's the first boss: a dude with his wang out, peeing at you. He also has a floating crocodile thing.
This may be a half-assed little freeware flash game (weighing in at a mighty 15MB), but it has ambition. Our cursed buddy Icarus flies all around the world, borne on a powerful wave of his own crap. If you imagine it as the flames that used to ‘power' the badass cars our preteen selves used to draw, it makes kinda sorta sense.
So, we've got a landscape to cruise past and a main character. The final element every sidescrolling shooter needs? Enemies. With the weirdery thus far, you'll expect something bizarre. Something like... wanging formations of ducks and Nazis in the face with a holy sword, while your diarrhea streams behind you like a trail of pure glorious brown victory.
You won't be disappointed on that score.
Will Icarus ever break his curse? Where the hell did it come from anyway? Why do his clothes fall off when he's hit? Why is this a freaking thing at all? None of these questions will ever be answered. Well, the first might, and the third is probably a retro-tastic nod to Ghosts and Goblins. But other than that, who the hell knows.
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