Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

The Weekly WTF: How Kanye West Brainwashed Gamers Into Joining the Cult of Yeezy

Kanye West Cult

Damn it, Kanye. Will you ever calm the eff down? You’ve got a hard life, impregnating Kardashians and endorsing shitty products. Being famous is a 25/8 job. The poor bastard can’t even cruise into Burger King without being forced to scowl man-tastically at a fan’s cell phone camera.

So take a freaking break, dude, before you bust a gonad. We know you’re the great Kanye West, able to do anything and everything you damn well want (all at the same time, natch), but running a cult as well? It’s just too much for one man to take on.

You may be familiar with the deeply piss-takey Kanye Quest, an RPG starring the great man himself. While taking out the trash one day, Yeezy falls through wormhole and finds himself in the not-particularly-distant future, where furious clones of legendary rappers are running rampant. Or something. The story’s not important; we engage these musical mofos in turn-based rap battles and that’s all you need to know.

It was completely goddamn ridiculous as it was. A couple years later, though, the disturbing secret hidden within Kanye Quest has come to light. It’s all very creepypasta, but I’m sure you Ego-dudes can handle it. Let’s take a look.

Early in the game, you’ll encounter a plain ol’ computer terminal. It displays the cryptic message ‘ASCEND and worship The Based God,’ and telling an NPC a little later that you want to ‘ascend’ will start you along a journey of the purest WTF.

Kanye West Cult 2

Simply inputting that word, like a password, will see you teleported to a part of the game players didn’t know existed, Kotaku reports. It’s a gray and boring-ass looking place at first glance, but then the next message appears:
‘Congratulations! You have proven yourself to be an open-minded and curious thinker. We must apologise for deceiving you, but we can reveal that the game you were playing until this point was a ‘front’ constructed to protect what you are currently accessing. We must ask that you do not reveal this area to the public. If you believe that you may be prone to revealing information, or do not wish to participate, please close this program immediately by pressing ALT-F4 or selecting the NO option when it appears. By selecting the YES option, you agree to participate and not reveal information.’

Damn it Kanye, you inscrutable bastard. Where is this creepiness going?

Should you agree to these terms, you’ll be told that your ascension is beginning, and that it’s a process which will impact your life outside the game in –hopefully– positive ways. A series of passwords were then needed, which the developers themselves supposedly had no effing clue about. Via data mining, the report goes on, Kotaku’s own Patricia Hernandez made it into the very shit-stained depths of Kanye Quest.

Kanye West Cult 3

Blank screens, invisible disappeary enemies named ‘JFZZJNMS,’ it all just keeps getting weirder. And by weirder, I mean stalk-tacularly, possibly-alert-the-police weird. Once you reach this point, you’re told that you’ve proved your worth, and have ascended. To advance further, you have to grant the creators the right to ‘interact with your possessions,’ and it goes on:
‘Over the following two week time period, we will interact with you and your possessions in several ways. Keep an eye out, as some of these ways may be subtle. Others may not be. We may attempt to contact you directly. If we do this, we will attempt to notify you of our presence using a key-word. If you still consent to participation, please select the YES option above. Do you wish to participate?’

If you don’t, your ass is dumped back to the title screen. If you say YES, the game demands your name and address, with the promise that someone will be in touch soon. Yep, fo real. This, presumably, is the final step, and your initiation into the cult of Yeezy. What the hell this involves, I’ve no idea. Perhaps Kanye himself comes to your neighborhood and croons his craptastic raptastic at you until you lose the will to resist/live.

Then we get into the whole Ascensionism thing, an actual New Age cult which could be using Kanye Quest to recruit. Apparently. Either that, or it’s all bollocks, and the developers were just having fun. But either way, this is way, way out there.

Check out the full story back at Kotaku.

Meanwhile in ‘Tekken 7′: Guess Who’s Back. Back Again

Tekken 7 Yoshimitsu

As a franchise, Tekken has never been afraid to eff around. There’s some relatively complex, practical pugilism at its heart, true enough. But ‘neath the surface, there’s some real balls-out crazy going on.

The ongoing saga of the Devil Gene has taken the plot of the games to some whacked out places. Once grandpappies and grandsons were being tied to rockets and fired into the sun, Tekken lost all semblance of sense. And fighting games have never had too much of a grip on that to begin with.

Nutty plots aside, joke characters have always been a big part of Tekken. Remember Alex the boxing kangaroo? Bruce the boxing velociraptor? My personal favorite was Dr. Boskonovitch, badass ol’ science dude whose special attacks mostly involved falling over on his back and cackling madly. You just can’t argue with awesome of that caliber.

Today, we’re looking at one of the series’ most enduring crazies: Yoshimitsu. There was no doubt that the alien/cyborg/ninja/samurai man-freak would return for Tekken 7, and here’s the reveal trailer. Sporting all his trademark sword-pogo antics of yore, this is the Yoshimitsu we fondly remember. Check out his spangly new next-gen makeover.

Now Here’s Some Old-School Badass: Sharp’s NES Television

Game Television

Back in Ye Olde days of gaming, ‘hooking up’ consoles was a real ballache. I remember my first, the PlayStation I was given at the age of twelve. It took my long-suffering pa a whole school day to fandangle wires and TV channels and such to make it work, and he was thrilled with himself when I arrived home to find it working.

He reported that he ‘felt like effing Rain Man’ on accomplishing that. Good ol’ pappy.

Anywho, there’s a reason I’m bringing these priceless childhood memories at your faces on a Monday morning. Mainly, my bitter jealousy on seeing that this used to be a thing: The Sharp Nintendo Television.

According to the latest episode of Gaming Historian, Sharp and Nintendo have been close buddies for a long time. We’re talking I’ll-help-you-hide-the-body BFFs. So a TV with an in-built NES is just the kind of thing they would create together back in the day. Which –you see where I’m going with this– they totally did.

It was a chunky-ass monstrosity costing more than your average apartment block, true enough, and no bastard bought it. Still, this mother would’ve made you the ultimate spoiled, beat up-able kid on the schoolyard for sure. Check it out:

Via Destructoid.

Grab Grandpa’s Shotgun, ‘Dying Light’s Bozak Horde is Coming

Dying Light

Whether you call it horde mode, survival mode or something a little nuttier like chicken pot pie mode (I’m not judging, you crazy bastard), you know the concept. It’s just you, in a small stage/arena, fending off waves of nasties with whatever you can find. There are score multipliers and pick ups-amundo, and deathtacular carnage and a possible spot on a leaderboard await.

For many, Gears of War made this the phenomenon it is today, with Horde Mode as we know it. But it’s taken many forms. Some franchises go for a slightly more beefed-up minigame take on the notion, like Resident Evil’s rather sexy The Mercenaries. With smaller indie shooters, the entire game amounts to survival mode.

It’s either something you’re not assed about, a cheap unlockable extra, or the best part of a game and where umpteen hours are spent. I’m generally in the latter camp, which is why The Bozak Horde is such a big effing deal for me.

Parkourtastic zombie-a-thon Dying Light has given us a first ogle at its upcoming DLC.
It’s ‘set in zombie-ridden central Harran’s stadium and will see you play a creep in a mask’s deadly game. It will offer a “hefty” challenge while also being designed to be played cooperatively with four players and having some sort of competitive element. There’s leaderboards. There’s various challenges to tackle. You can get rewards, such as a silent compound bow. It’s a horde mode. It has pretty much everything you’d expect a horde mode to have,’ quoth Destructoid.

It’s hardly creative (the Saw influence is pretty freaking strong in this one), and there’s a cynical stench of ‘me too’ about this, but screw it. The Bozak Horde arrives May 26, and I want a slice of it.

‘Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate’ Reveal Trailer Hits; Is Superbly Violent

Assassin's Creed Syndicate Logo

Assassin’s Creed has taken us to some exotic locales in its time. From fancy-ass Cathedrals to… fancy-ass Caribbean islands, you’ve never been short of a spectacular view while you get your assassin on. With Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate, the team are continuing that tradition in style.

The shit-stained, smoggy streets of Victorian London? Sure, why not?

Lending a Gangs of New York-ish vibe to the freshly-revealed game is player character Jacob Frye, a ‘gangster assassin’ (man, would that sound badass on a resume) and social warrior out to end the seething corruption of the upper class. And they were, as anyone with any historical knowledge will tell you, being massive assholes in this era.

It’s quite jarring to see the elegant, swift-wristblade-to-the-scrote-and-stealth-away combat of the Assassins this way. Frye has a dirty, street fight-y sort of edge too, as you’d expect from the fine folks of London. True enough, he’s also got a rather spangly top hat, but so did Jack the Ripper, and he wasn’t the classiest of dudes. Mailing hookers’ kidneys to the police just doesn’t say ‘genteel’ to me.

Still, some things never change. Syndicate is still rammed full of all the parkour, sneaktastic and leaps of faith we need. Check out the debut trailer below.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Harvester,’ the Creepiest, Batcrap-iest Horror Game You Ever Saw

Harvester

A lot of nineties horror is, let’s be frank, ball-bustingly awful. Like many (well, most) things from the era, all memory of it should really be sealed in concrete and dumped in the North Sea somewhere. Cell phones the size of studio apartments, leisurewear, shit hair… nope. Denial is the way to go. Those ten years did not happen.

Nevertheless, it can be hard to let go. If you’re brave enough to venture back through the Nineties archives, there’s some sweet, sweet weirdery ripe for the Weekly WTF treatment. Gentlemen, I give you Harvester.

Over in Merry Olde England, the Harvester is a quaint little restaurant chain, offering a salad bar so damn good I’d rent it a seedy motel room and show it a night of damn good illicit lovin’. But it’s also the name of a 1996 point and click PC game. It has the most violent adventure game of all time written right across the front of the box there, so you know this isn’t one to eff with. Let’s take a look.

It’s a familiar story: amnesiac dude awakens in a strange town, with no knowledge of who or where he is. He is ‘Steve,’ and that’s all he’s got to go on. A-pointin’-and-a-clickin’ his way about, Steve soon picks up on the creepy, Silent Hill-esque vibe the town has going on. He picks up on this straight away, sharp guy that he is. It was the sight of a couple children eating their mother that tipped him off.

So yep, shit has very much hit the fan right here. The developer intended the game as a nerdly look at violence in the media vs violence in society, and which creates which. Which is why we’re going to such twisted, WTF places.

Harvester 2

The story centers around a mysterious cult in the small town of Harvest, known as the Order of the Harvest Moon. Steve is repeatedly encouraged by the townsfolk to go and join them, and it’s at their HQ in the center of town where most of the homicidal shady doings go down. ‘It’s messed up and bloody throughout,’ quoth PCGamer. ‘How do you feel about a puzzle where you burn down a poor woman’s diner, leading to her committing suicide and taking her daughter with her? That’s nothing compared to the stuff in the second half…’

In Harvester, any effing thing goes. Most of the NPCs, we’re told, can be casually murdered for no reason at all. There are Itchy and Scratchy-esque gory death scenes, ghastly-ass torture machines, and a cast of townsfolk that’d make the Manson Family look well-adjusted. It’s just damn macabre weirdery on every and any front, and we salute it for it.

At the end, we learn the grim secret of the town. Steve (and Stephanie, his non-killable sidekick) are hooked up to a VR simulator, which has created Harvest and everything they’ve seen there. The whole twisted vision ws intended to turn gamers into serial killers, apparently, and Steve has to make a choice: kill Stephanie and be freed to live (real) life as a serial killer, or marry her and live ot their virtual lives in Harvest.

Because that’s just the kind of thought Harvester likes to leave you with. For a taste of this confuzzling cult classic, take a look below.

My, ‘Metal Gear Solid V,’ What Norktastic Action Figures You Have

Metal Gear Solid V Quiet Figure

‘This is either madness or brilliance.’
‘It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.’

If you’re wondering why I’m bringing an obscure Pirates of the Caribbean quote to your attention (which you are, because I’ve just wantonly typed it at your faces with no context or anything, like the mad bastard I am), it’s because these words –and this action figure– have Hideo Kojima written all over them.

The two traits coincide in his mind on a hourly basis. Real genius requires vision, dedication and the ability to give absolutely zero effs what anybody else may think. The departed Metal Gear overlord has this in spades. Who else could have bought the world endless ladder-climbing scenes, easter eggs involving jacking off in lockers and boobtacular squishy action figures?

Here we see Metal Gear Solid V’s Quiet, a woman who has never been quiet about flaunting her rack. At Mr. Kojima’s request, quoth Kotaku, the collectible has,
‘…soft pushable boobs. The boobs can be squished together… on a toy. This was the man who was going to make Silent Hills. I don’t even know anymore. Boobies.’

Just what the industry needs, I’m sure. Backlash-amundo? Probably. Still, the man knows what he likes.