Smash Bros (or rather, the double whammy with Mario Kart 8) is pretty well the only thing likely to haul the Wii U out of Shit Creek at this point. It’s the kind of big ol’ exclusive it could’ve used about 2 years ago, but who’s counting?
So it’s a big freaking deal. And if there’s one thing Smosh Games like, it’s unleashing their piss-takery on big freaking deals.
Yep, the latest episode of Honest Game Trailers is Smash Bros flavored. Armed only with their trademark bucket of snark, these cheeky buggers tackle all the pertinent Smash-based issues. Is it really a ‘fighting game,’ or just a multicolored button-mashing clustereff? What the hell are Sonic and Snake doing here? Who in the name of Grandma’s wispy pubes is Shulk?
We demand answers. We don’t get any.
Nevertheless, if you like taking your cute childhood nostalgia and beating the shit out of it, Smash Bros has your back. Nobody does it better. PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale certainly doesn’t, because it was wank.
You don’t eff with Castlevania. This ol’ bastard has become a real gaming fixture. To date, there have been over forty entries in the series, and that’s pretty damn impressive. If I knew what fancy-ass words like ‘prolific’ meant, I’d be typing them in your face in Castlevania’s honor right now.
The franchise is approaching its thirtieth anniversary, and there’s only one way to celebrate that. With a heaping helping of snark and/or piss-takery, that’s how. So let’s party like it’s 1986 and look back at the very first Castlevania release. Which was called –just so our slow cousin Joe didn’t get confused– Castlevania.
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The times, they have a-changed, as the ol’ saying freaking almost goes (nuts to it, it’s Monday morning, that’s close enough).
In their original forms, the early Halos were bereft of achievements. After all, today’s fancy-ass gamerscore business wasn’t introduced until 2005. They were tacked on in later years, sure, but how nostalgia-tacular would Halo: The Master Chief Collection be? Would it remove them again?
Of course it wouldn’t. That’d be a one-way ticket to Crazy Town on the what-the-shit-are-you-doing express. In reality, the Xbox One exclusive collection is now the biggest achievement hog in Xbox history. And it includes this little slice of weirdery.
One of them sports the enigmatic description ‘inscrutable, mysterious.’ Naturally, this means slightly less than eff all, but it’s worth checking out Kotaku’s why, what and when guide to this mystery unlock. Turns out, it’s a clever little homage to the series’ past.
If you’re the nerdliest of nerdly Halo enthusiasts, and talk of the .fortune easter egg means anything to you, you’d best hit the link.
We might have the spangly new Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and less-spangly-new-but-still-newer-than-this-effer Destiny entertaining us, but let’s spare a thought for Battlefield 4.
The game’s first birthday has just passed, a year’s worth of sweet, sweet firearm-centric violence behind it. But you know what that means. Video game life spans are fleeting. It’s at the ‘send it to a home and get bitched at for failing to visit it as often as you should,’ twilight stage of life.
Still, you know what else that means. One final desperate clawing at our cashtacular from the developers. Which is to say, a DLC swansong. Prepare your eyes, ears and other bodily orifices for the Final Stand content pack.
Fancy-ass Premium Members can get their download on from tomorrow. For the rest of us lowly hobos, it’s a wait for the December 2 general release. But either way, there’s a whole freaking lot of war about to go down. For all you need to know about this grand Russian adventure, hit IGN’s roundup.
Godspeed, Battlefield 4. let’s hope you finish a little more gracefully than you started. Bugs-amundo.
Conan cannot and will not be stopped. From Grand Theft Auto V to Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, he strides into the biggest, badassiest releases unfazed; armed only with his license to snark. He may get a little sidetracked by his efforts to gun down a particularly angry-looking milk carton, but he knows his stuff right here.
Well, usually, no, he effing doesn’t. But hold on to your butts, because this episode of Clueless Gamer is a shocker.
This week, Conan’s trying his hand at Assassin’s Creed Unity. We already know we’re onto something good with this one; he opens with a boner joke. That’s what today’s games reviews have been missing: piss-takery about erectile dysfunction. And when you throw some causal reminding-us-that-Kanye-West-is-still-an-ass into the bargain, that’s all the better.
Above, behold the French Revolution, Conan O’Brien style. We learn that all French people have horrible British accents, and ‘collecting receipts and getting involved in theatrical labor disputes’ is the most exciting thing in the world. Most of all, it’s revealed that Conan is a terrifyingly, authorities-alertingly good Assassin’s Creed serial killer.
Turns out, the Wii U does still exist. Who the hell knew?
Traditionally, ultra-studly dudes like ourselves aren’t big on the whole Wii thing. Sure, we had a curious waggle of the Wiimote during the Wii Sports hype phase (circa 2006), and made all kinds of embarrassing wanking motions with it in Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games, but as far as gun-tastic adult gamery goes? You’ll usually have to look elsewhere.
Regardless, there are some Nintendo franchises that transcend Internet bitching about ‘hardcore’ and ‘casual’ and that sort of BS. Mario Kart and Smash Bros. have that universal appeal, and are enough to drive Wii U purchases from some who would never dream of it otherwise.
As such, Mario Kart 8 and the upcoming Smash installment are being milked to hell. They’re even getting their asses together and trying out this newfangled ‘DLC’ thing all the cool kids are talking about. But what happens when you add Link to the character roster? This, that’s what.
Above, you see the aftermath of the first pack of Mario Kart 8 DLC, released yesterday. Also included was Tanooki Mario, but screw that. Mr. Zelda is where the action is. It looks like some creepy-ass clone race from The Twilight Zone.
Now, let’s be frank here: there are a lot of shitty movies and video games. When the two collide, there’s usually a black hole of pure shit-tacular, insatiable and unstoppable until it has eaten all the horrible crap in the cosmos. (Or, as you may know it, Superman 64.)
It’s easy to suck. Suck is all over the damn place. But only a select few are elevated to ‘so bad it’s good’ status. Minority Report: Everybody Runs is one of them. Buckle up, gentlemen. It’s going to be a bumpy, hilarious and completely demented ride.
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