Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Pucking Hell, ‘NHL 15’ is Looking as Realistically Violent as the Real Thing (VIDEO)

NHL 15
Now with 76% more awkward man-hugs.

Oh yes indeed. Pucking hell. That’s almost more wit than you can handle on a Monday morning, but there’s no need for applause. It’s all in a day’s work. Now, to business.

In this newfangled world of ‘PS4s’ and ‘Xbox Ones’ (whatever the hell they are), we demand a little more of our sports games. We pound our meaty fists on our coffee tables and demand it. For a next-gen sporting experience, you need authenticity. Players moving like their real-life counterparts, jostling for position and colliding in a manly heap of bones, sinew and blood. And those hideous moments where Lady Luck just knees you in the gonads because she can.

A hockey game that plays out like... a game of hockey, in short. Which is just what the upcoming NHL 15 pledges to deliver.

Take a look at the above display of the title’s true hockey physics. EA Sports are apparently bringing Collision Physics and True Puck Physics, with capital letters and everything so we know these bastards mean business.

‘Fatal Frame’ Brings the Crap-Your-Pants Creepy to Wii U (VIDEO)

Fatal Frame Wii U Trailer
Nobody does freaky girl ghosts like Fatal Frame.

Nintendo, as we know, are all about the family funtimes. The cavorting unicorns, pink waterfalls and rainbows-sprouting-from-everybody’s-assholes side of life.

Remember that deal they made with Capcom when the Gamecube appeared? That Resident Evil business, which gave the console two still-exclusive installments (the prequel, Zero, and the remake of the original) and ports of the rest of the series? Where the balls did that come from?

Still, it proves that even they aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty/their homicidal maniac’s butcher knife bloody on occasion. Another survival horror franchise associated with the House of Mario is Fatal Frame, the camera-waving creeptastic from Tecmo Koei.

If you happen to have one of those crazy-ass ghost exorcising cameras, and you’re Japanese, it’s going to come in handy later this year. Hold on to your balls, here comes Wii U exclusive Fatal Frame: Nuregarasu no Miko (roughly The Black-Haired Shrine Maiden). We don’t know if it’ll ever make it beyond its native Japan yet, but it’ll be welcome if it does. Take a look.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Kim Kardashian, Video Game Genius

Now, there are some things we just expect of the Kardashian clan. Neglecting to put on any undercrackers before emerging cooch-first from taxis, sexing up Kanye West and giving the child of the unholy union a dumbass name, that sort of thing. Along with questionable spelling (Kardashian Konfidential? Only Mortal Kombat can be excused that sort of thing), these are their calling cards.

On the flipside, there are things you’ll never expect from the celebtastic family. Mainly, y’know, talent, but today we’re only concerned with one: some kind of Midas touch with video games.

But hey, that’s where Kim Kardashian West strides in with all the business nous she apparently has and proves us the eff wrong. Either that, or this is just something else to file into the overflowing drawer marked 'Gee, Society Sucks Ass Sometimes.'

Yep, the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app will make $200 million by the end of the year. That’s 200,000,000, more zeroes than we can even freaking count. How much of that is heading straight to the Kim koffers? $85 million. We’d ask who the hell’s buying a mobile game that gives us inspired pearls of wisdom like ‘dating famous people will get you more fans too,’ but the answer’s already clear. Every bastard is by the look of it.

Via Destructoid.

The Weekly WTF: Just What the Balls is the Deal with Street Fighter’s Blanka?

As we know, there’s a lot of weirdly weird weird-ass weirdery in fighting games. From Guilty Gear’s nine-foot-tall sex criminal dude with a sack over his head, to Tekken’s boxing kangaroo via Soul Calibur’s Spanish pirate zombie, it’s all pretty damn nutty around here.

For the best of the classic crazies, you need look no further than hairy-assed manbeast Blanka. And we’re checking him out right now, so put your damn pants back on and pay attention.
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‘Mortal Kombat X’ Spoiler: Raiden’s Still Too Freaking Awesome (VIDEO)

Mortal Kombat X Raiden
Yep, he looks pissed. Again.

EVO, that most prestigious of fighting game tournament-athons, took place this past weekend. Every punchtastic game from BlazBlue to Super Smash Bros. Melee was featured, as players from around the world joined together to beat the balls off of each other.

During all this happy funtimes violence, a few trailers and announcements were shown. Here we see the great badassery of Raiden, the Thunder God. Kicking butt, taking names and... leaving eyeballs dangling from faces by the optic nerve, like real manly heroes do.

Yep, Lord Raiden is a Mortal Kombat stalwart, appearing in almost every game in the series. So it’s probably not a shit-your-pants surprise to see that he’s returning in the upcoming Mortal Kombat X. In any case, it’s a little more gameplay for us to check out, so who’s complaining?

Those of us whose eyeballs aren’t adangle halfway down their damn cheeks should take a look. This battle with Kotal Khan showcases some new combos, a fancy-ass new arena and the differences between those character ‘variants’ we’ve heard about already.

Freaking Rat Burgers? Relax, You’re at ‘Pikachu Cafe’

Now, you’d think that furry-assed rodents and fine dining just wouldn’t gel. That’s the kind of thing that would finally get Dodgy Bob’s Questionable Meatatorium (the trunk of his car) shut down for good. But not in Japan. The Land of the Rising Sun is the home of brilliant, crazy, crazy shit, and we love them for it.

The fancy-ass new Pikachu Cafe for instance, opening this weekend in Roppongi Hills, Tokyo. It continues the big ol’ Pikachu boner the country has had since the late 90s. His tenure as the national soccer team’s mascot during the World Cup may be over, but don’t fret. You can now chew on the little yellow bastard’s face.

Yes indeed, you too can get your chew on with the ‘chu. Burgers, adorable and grosstastic in equal measure, are just the beginning. How about a Pikachu curry? Or some kind of mango-flavored Pikachu pudding? Or, as pictured above, 'a shit with stars floating around and Pikachu’s disembodied head slapped in the middle.’ It’s the real Tokyo treat.

One thing’s for damn sure: these guys have far too damn much time on their hands.

And, hell, if we must create Pokémon-themed desserts like the crazy effers we are, what about Vanilluxe? It’s just a freaking ice cream cone with a face. Hear that? That’s the sound of a trick being missed.

Via Kotaku.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Final Fantasy

Hold on to your asses, gentlemen. It’s Final freaking Fantasy, right here, one of the most beloved series in all of gamertastic. Y’know, back when it didn’t suck pretty damn bad, as it’s been doing of late (let’s be frank, XIII was all kinds of a ballache). Today, we’re going way back to its roots, to the very first release.

Let’s party like it’s 1987 and take a look.

This was the year Final Fantasy hit the Famicom (like the NES, but much more Asian). It’s the simple nutty-ass story of four heroes, four magical orbs of magical effing magic and a whole damn lot of random battles.
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