Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Live Gameplay of ‘Street Fighter V’ Brings a Whole Freaking Lot of Punching; Some Kicking

Street Fighter V Live Demo

Yup. There comes a time when even Street Fighter has to stop its cash-cowery. Super, Ultra, Arcade editions and all of those shenanigans… nuts to them. Let’s have a good ol’ fashioned sequel, just like mom used to make (when she was, y’know, a Capcom developer).

We’ve already seen a little of Street Fighter V. There have been melodramatic trailers, featuring nerdly dudes getting Guile tattooed on their scrotes and clips from Street Fighter’s illustrious past. But what we’d really like to get is an in-depth glimpse at the gameplay itself.

Glimpse away, gentlemen. Glimpse away.

At last week’s spangly Capcom event, a scrap betwixt series veterans Ryu and Chun-Li was shown. It showcased the old and the new of this latest release. The familiar theatrical intros are still firmly in place (“I must push onwards!” “I’ll show you real kung fu!”), and Chun-Li’s thunder thighs are as thunderous as ever. But that tiny EX meter? The new revenge gauge? What the balls is happening here?

Check out the footage from IGN below. There’s a phenomenal amount of detail in the backgrounds, new destructible stages and weirdness with noodles. What’s not to like?

Another Slice of ‘The Evil Within’ is Coming Early Next Year

The Evil Within DLC

The Evil Within was a fairly controversial one. Was it a glorious, balls-out horror extravaganza from genre guru Shinji Mikami? Was it an overrated ballache that did nothing for survival horror? As always, the internet can’t decide, and everyone’s bitching at everyone else.

But nuts to all of that. Even The Evil Within fans can agree on one thing: character development levels were slim to eff all. Sebastian, I didn’t hear a single piss-poor quip from you the entire game (a la Leon in Resident Evil 4). I didn’t see you blossom from reluctant hero to plain ol’ badass, or anything of that nature. Whatever batshit crazy was going on around you, you just shuffled along comatose throughout. What the hell was up with that?

But screw it. Nobody has time for that kind of thing. Not the first time around, at any rate.

Here comes another dose of DLC. Perhaps it’ll inject a little personality into these guys and gals. Perhaps it won’t. But what it damn well will do is let us play as enigmatic agent Juli Kidman. As the game’s director told GameSpot:
‘She’s much livelier than Sebastian was in the main game… her story is a bit more personal than his as well, so there’s a bit of banter and commentary as you play.’

This installment, dubbed The Assignment, arrives early 2015. Hit the link for a quick (very darn quick) teaser.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When Creepy AI Gets its Game On by Itself

Whacked-Game Boy AI

Damn it, humanity. Did you learn nothing from Terminator?

A little AI is a dangerous thing. It all starts innocently enough, with a fancy-ass new sentient weed whacker or something. Then, before we know what the hell’s going on, there’s angry robo-dudes travelling through time to kill our moms in the eighties, and Arnold Schwarzenegger and that other guy appearing out of nowhere and striding about with their wangs out.

It’s just an all-round bad time for everyone.

So what in the name of holy hell are we supposed to make of this? Computers don’t yet have command over the entire U.S defense network, but this little doohickey is the next best thing. It can… play shitty old Game Boy games by itself. Kinda sorta.

Yup. Daniel Shumway, developer and Miles Dyson in the making, has been working on a system he’s called Piglet. It interacts with a Game Boy and Game Boy Color emulator, and can slowly and painstakingly make its way through a game by changing its strategy and correcting its mistakes. But it’s much less terrifying and SkyNet-y than it sounds, as you’ll see after the jump.


The Weekly WTF: A Whole Lot of Creeptastic With Majora’s Mask and BEN

Majora's Mask BEN

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask has long been the black sheep of the Zelda family. With its dark tone, general weirdery and that whole the-mothereffin’-moon-is-going-to-crash-into-our-faces thing it had going on, this was new territory right here.

This was the game that brought us Fierce Deity Link, those crazy dancing freaks, and that thing that lives in the toilet. This was back in the year 2000, and we still haven’t forgiven it. If, fourteen years later, you still check the ol’ WC for disembodied hands before taking a dump, you’ll know what I mean.

And that’s just what’s in the game proper. The urban legends and such surrounding it are much worse. Prepare your eyes, ears and asses for the story of… BEN.

This one’s been doing the rounds for some time now. You may have heard it already. But with the 3DS remake of the game finally inbound, it’s time to revisit the tale of the haunted game cartridge.

The totally-not-BS-at-all story starts with an innocent young dude picking up a second-hand copy of Majora’s Mask at a yard sale. It was battered to hell (not much of an issue for N64 carts; those robust buggers look as though they could withstand a bomb blast), and the owner made enigmatic remarks about the original owner ‘not being around any more.’ Said young dude almost soiled his nerdly undercrackers when offered it for free, and so the legend of BEN began.

Majora's Mask BEN 2

Yup, stranger than THIS sort of thing.

Apparently, this was the name of the previous owner. At any rate, it was the name of the save file left over. Not being a fan of sloppy seconds, this was immediately deleted, and Nameless Young Dude started the game afresh. With no idea that he was about to be thrust gonads-first into The Twilight Zone.

‘Something was off,’ quoth G4TV. ‘The NPCs in Clock Town still referred to him as BEN; music played backward; Link would spontaneously erupt in flames; and he was hounded by a strange statue—the same one that appears when you play the incredibly creepy “Elegy of Emptiness” on your ocarina. Only this one teleported wherever the player went, seemingly taunting him with vague threats and menacing laughter.’

This weird-ass weirdery brings up all kinds of questions. Who was BEN? Who damn well still is BEN? What does he want? How did he fandangle his way into the game’s coding? Most importantly, wasn’t Majora’s Mask freaky enough to begin with?

None of these questions will ever be answered. Not that they need to be, as the story’s all BS anyway. Still, it’s enough to put me off preowned games for a fair while. For a more detailed account of the creepypasta, check this out:

Damn You, eBay: 20th Anniversary PS4s Look Sexy, But Not $10,000 Sexy

20th Anniversary PS4

Obi-Wan, owner of the finest beard in the galaxy, knew his shit. A ‘wretched hive of scum and villainy,’ he called it. But not Mos Eisley Spaceport. Hell no. The old dude had just been scowering eBay for tickets to Tatooine’s Tit-tastic Topless Tango Night. Somebody had bought all four hundred of them, and was auctioning them off for fifty times the original price.

Whenever there’s a limited edition item, there’s some ballache on eBay trying to fleece everyone else for it. As we know, some people live by the mantra shaft or be shafted. Others take that to extremes, and become ‘shaft, shaft and then shaft some more. Who’s the black private dick who’s the sex machine to all the chicks? SHAFT!’ people. They’re all bastards.

Feast your eyes on the 20th Anniversary PS4. This little slice of sex was introduced to celebrate the PS1‘s birth in 1994, and is fully pimped out in that retro gray color scheme I remember so well. There aren’t many of these bad boys to go around, and… you know where this is going.

eBay assholery, that’s where it’s going. The special edition console is limited to 12,300 units worldwide, and instantly sold out upon arriving on Sony’s online store. And so, as Kotaku reports,
‘On eBay, numerous resellers are auctioning off “confirmed preorders” for the console. Right now, all these resellers have to show are their email confirmations for the console, yet… some of them are asking as much as ten thousand dollars.’

It’s even more unscrupulous than usual. Hit the link for more on this.

At Effing Last: ‘Crossy Road’ Explains Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Crossy Road

Well, of course it did. Everyone’s crossing the effing road right here, and you know what peer pressure’s like. We’ve got a pig, a tortoise, a penguin, a wizard, Frankenstein’s monster, Count goddamn Dracula, some freakish thing that resembles a mutated blue frog with a beard and shitty hat… In Crossy Road, anything and everything goes.

And where does it go? Over the darn road, that’s where.

Now, many of us in the gametastic world like to make disparaging comments about mobile games. Oftentimes, they’re just a colorful and vapid way to pass a minute or two while you’re on the shitter, or pretending to work on that thing the boss has been waiting a week and a half for. But then this badass little mofo from the depths of the devil’s ass arrives.

Crossy Road is Frogger for the modern age (not Frogger Returns; that was a terrible ballache if ever I’ve played one). You know the score: a small creature/legendary movie monster waits on one side of a busy highway. Your goal is simply to fandangle them over the asphalt without being crushed into spam by a careening SUV.

The game has already charmed Kotaku; check it out below and see if it’s the kind of thing you can get on board with.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Alien Soldier

Alien Soldier Header

Treasure, you crazy, crazy bastards. Don’t ever change.

For the uninitiated, Treasure are a Japanese developer from the early nineties. In their history, they’ve ventured into Wario World, classic platformers like Dynamite Headdy and the futuristic badassery that is Sin and Punishment.

Most important, they brought the Sega Genesis such shitstorm-of-bullets madness as Gunstar Heroes. This stylish run-and-gunner was the company’s first game, and introduced us to many of their trademark quirks: unusual weapon/power up mechanics, toontastic explosions aplenty, awesome chiptune music in the eargasmic Mega Man vein… Not forgetting the trippy bosses that make you wonder what these effers are smoking and where you can get yourself some.

A couple of years later, all of these elements were polished up and thrust gonads-first into Alien Soldier. Hold on to your butts as we party like it’s 1995 and take a look.

The game’s a perfect example of the disappointment of the near future. The way the books and games of the past tell it, we should all be dicking about on hoverboards by now. We should be cruising along the highway in pollution-free electric cars, taking vacations on Mars and going forth and multiplying with some four-breasted extraterrestrial hotties. This one’s set in 2015, and sadly it’s all bollocks as well.

In Alien Soldier, everyone inhabits an alternative ‘A-Earth.’ On this planet, smart-ass science dudes have succeeded in developing a race of genetically-engineered superhumans. Which is, y’know, pretty cool, until a angry band of terrorists seek to take control of the planet and the powers of the ‘A-humans.’ In the power struggle, the group’s leader, Epsilon-Eagle, gets his ass whupped and barely escapes with his life.

Alien Soldier 2

In his absence, Xi-Tiger assumes command of the organisation, and soon proves to be an even bigger asshole than the first dude. Dude #1, then, recovers and sets out to defeat his rival and assume control once more.

It’s a bizarre tale of split personalities, weird mutant-things and shitty double-barreled names. But nuts to it all. Let’s just make peace with the fact that we’re a creepy bird man in a spacesuit and move on.

Alien Soldier looks and plays a little like Treasure’s previous run and gun effort, as mentioned. You mix and match power ups to change the properties of your weapon, perhaps something stronger with limited range or sacrificing power for a homing effect. There are also light platforming shenanigans to be done. But it’s the level structure that sets this mofo apart.

Treasure do not give any effs. They know the usual ‘complete a big ol’ level, defeat the boss’ routine, but that’s just not enough for them. In this game, the levels themselves are brief, simple affairs, and the boss battles themselves are the stars of the show. It’s a Monster Hunter-esque boss rush affair, and it’s all the more badass for it.

Take a look at Alien Soldier in action below.