Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

The Egotastic! E3 Extravaganza: Meanwhile, Nintendo Want Us to Drive on the Freaking Ceiling in Mario Kart 8

By Chris Littlechild | June 12, 2013 @ 11:44 am
Do not adjust your Egotastic! We really are on the wall.
 Mario Kart 8 Screenshots
View the Gallery / 7 Photos »

Nintendo are in a unique position at this year’s show. While Xbox One and PlayStation 4 are firmly embroiled in price wars, game wars and who-can-call-the-other-company’s-executives-a-bunch-of-wankers-in-the-wittiest-and-most-subtle-manner wars, Nintendo’s console is already lurking about (Wii U was released over six months ago).

Whose Facebook-running 0-60 is faster? Which console has an attachment to scratch your wang for you as you languish on the couch? Which CEO’s haircut is more dickish? The over-sized novelty ‘N’ has no shits to give about any of this.

What they do also have, though, is something major to prove. Like Sony’s floundering Vita, ball-busting exclusives have been scarce indeed. To remain relevant when these two guys emerge later this year and threaten to steal its lunch money, Wii U needs to deliver the first-party wonderment in a big way. First on the agenda? The inevitable Mario Kart installment. Take a look at the gallery for some first shots of this gravity-defying racer (head to technobuffalo for the full set).

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The Egotastic! E3 Extravaganza: Metal Gear Solid V Red Band Trailer Wins ‘Goriest, Most Man-tastic Clip in Show’ Award (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | June 12, 2013 @ 9:05 am
E3 2013 Metal Gear Solid V Trailer
The man. The legend. The ill-advised ponytail.

Well, no, that isn’t a thing. But it should be, because there are several simultaneous kinds of holy shit going on right here.

Mr. Metal Gear, Hideo Kojima, has always been one for balls-out theatrics. His stark, uncompromising vision (which, memorably, once brought us that muscular dude-ass shimmying up a ladder for far too damn long as operatic music warbled on moment) is certainly present and correct for the new title, Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.

This extended director’s cut of the E3 2013 trailer is rated BTCSGU for bloody torture, child soldiers and general unpleasantness, but don’t let that put you off taking a first glimpse at something spectacular in the making. Can you resist checking out ‘a new breed of stealth,’ which seems to involve hiding behind a horse’s ass like a big girl? Of course you can’t.

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The Egotastic! E3 Extravaganza: Halo 5 Teaser Trailer is as Awesome as it is… Sandy (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | June 11, 2013 @ 10:38 am
E3 2013 Halo 5 Trailer
Who really thought he'd miss the Xbox One party?

First and foremost, there’s nary a whiff of gameplay to be seen here. It’s a simple slice of cinematic goodness, serving mainly to remind us of the wallet-plundering power of Halo.

It’s a series with such cachet (and when you have enough cachet to warrant the use of terms like 'cachet' and/or other pompous prick-ery, you’ve got a whole lot of cachet right there) that we were treated to the special scene above, and E3-attendee excitement ensued.

An unknown dude dicks about in a cloak in a sandstorm, only for a spacecraft’s ‘tailwind’ to blow back his hood and reveal Master Chief’s iconic helmet --not in a ‘penis' sense, that's not where they were going with this at all-- in dramatic fashion. As a glorious chorus plays in the background, like he was some sort of messiah or the pizza guy or someone else of divine importance.

The Egotastic! E3 Extravaganza: Beating on Criminals and Cops Alike in the Latest Trailer from ‘Watch Dogs’ (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | June 11, 2013 @ 9:00 am
E3 2013 Watch Dogs Trailer
Another dispute about ownership of a crap scarf turns nasty.

The more we see of Ubisoft’s much-ballyhooed Watch Dogs, the more Batman-esque the whole affair seems. As we’ve seen previously, Aiden Pearce has his own itinerary and methods of pursuing his unique brand of high-velocity-ballistics-to-the-manplums justice in the city. With his unprecedented access and hacking abilities, and his reckless lack of regard for anyone else’s personal property and/or personal space, he’s as much of a menace to the authorities as to the bad dudes. Whether he’s pummeling your face right in the face or checking out your porntacular internet history (“Horses? Really? What the shit?”), nobody is safe when Aiden’s about.

That gray area between sun shines out of my buttcrack, apprehend that human trafficker good guy and homicidal crazy bastard is always a pleasing middle ground to occupy. On the anniversary of its first appearance (the game was unveiled at E3 2012), then, Watch Dogs brings us that very thing with its latest theatrical trailer. Behold!

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E3 2013 Will be Our Kind of Show: Bringing the Boobitude (Kinda) Before the Guests Were Even Through the Doors

By Chris Littlechild | June 10, 2013 @ 9:26 am
E3 2013 Badges Header

E3 attendees can usually be found badge-ed right up. With a badge on. In this way, they can stride through the L.A Convention Center like the handsome, successful, important slices of importance on legs that they are. After all, who wants to look like an anonymous hobo who simply shuffled in because the Expo smells (marginally) less strongly of piss than the alley he’s taken up residence in? No-one, that’s who. That would not do.

As with any other damn aspect of life, said badges serve as an opportunity for companies to propel another ‘buy our shit. Then buy more of our shit’ message into our weary eyeballs (if you’ll pardon the worldly cynicism). To keep it gaming-centric, though, E3 2013‘s sponsor is Atlus. Those wacky guys have, rather wisely, chosen to adorn the badges with artwork from their norktacular action title Dragon’s Crown.

As you may know, this side-scrolling brawler was last seen causing one hell of a shitstorm, by virtue of its impossibly-proportioned Sorceress character and her jiggling jubblies (see the apparently-entirely-necessary 'In Defense of Boobies'). Nonetheless, the upshot of this badge business is that, as destructoid reports, ‘fifty-thousand people will have magical controversial breasts on their own chests.’

E3 2013 Badges Header 2

Image source: www.destructoid.com

We won’t go so far as to conclude that the theme of this year’s show is ‘chesticles, and damn big ones too,’ but it’s a fine idea for 2014. While we’re looking for a suggestion box for that little doozy, we’ll be checking out all the latest shenanigans from the show and firing them at your faces. Stay tuned to Egotastic!

Source: destructoid.

Header image: ncloud.blogspot.co.uk.

On the Eve of E3, Behold This Terrifying(ly Snarky) Glimpse Into the Future of Xbox One (VIDEO)

By Chris Littlechild | June 9, 2013 @ 9:59 am
Xbox One Parody Header
"Xbox One sees all... so put your dick away."

As viewers of Microsoft’s Xbox One reveal can attest, it’s a controversial console indeed. What with its ‘always on’ policy, daily online checks and Kinect-powered shenanigans, some fear a horrifying spy-machine like something from George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four. These are presumably the same crazies wearing homemade aluminum hats to prevent “those Martian bastards” stealing their brainwaves, but their fear is true.

Their fear is also, if internet piss-takery is any indication, about to be realized. The wacky funsters at GrittyReboots bring us this HAL 9000 spoof, in which Xbox One demands to entertain us; and woe betide he who disobeyeth its all-seeing, all-knowing A.I.

Back in the real world, we have no way of knowing whether Bill Gates will be able to see us in our living rooms, idly scratching our wangs on the couch and canoodling and whatever else we get up to in the privacy of our own homes. As E3 2013 begins, though, the actual gaming credentials of the console are about to be showcased, with launch titles and beyond. Stick with Egotastic! this week for all the latest trailers, news-nuggets and other oddities from the show.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Nekkidness, Turtle Abuse and the Kanye West Video Game

By Chris Littlechild | June 7, 2013 @ 9:10 am
Gaming's Whacked Out Week: June 7
View the Gallery / 3 Photos »

As we know, nothing says ‘incoming weekend frivolity’ like a little unexpected full-frontal. So when Volition’s mockery-tastic Saint’s Row IV trailer brings us several counts of public indecency and a righteous dick-punching in the space of two minutes, we’re all kinds of on board.

Also this week, a cosplaying turtle is transformed -against the poor little bastard’s will, presumably- into one of the most iconic villains ever to grace our telly-boxes. We’ve also exhumed the answer to that age-old question: Just what does Kanye West do all day, when he isn’t making half-assed music or impregnating Kardashians?

He stars in RPGs which see him fighting off angry 2Pac clones, that’s what. It’s quite a sight, as those of you brave enough to peruse the gallery will see.
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