Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Our Final Slice of ‘Battlefield 4’ DLC is on its Way

We might have the spangly new Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and less-spangly-new-but-still-newer-than-this-effer Destiny entertaining us, but let’s spare a thought for Battlefield 4.

The game’s first birthday has just passed, a year’s worth of sweet, sweet firearm-centric violence behind it. But you know what that means. Video game life spans are fleeting. It’s at the ‘send it to a home and get bitched at for failing to visit it as often as you should,’ twilight stage of life.

Still, you know what else that means. One final desperate clawing at our cashtacular from the developers. Which is to say, a DLC swansong. Prepare your eyes, ears and other bodily orifices for the Final Stand content pack.

Fancy-ass Premium Members can get their download on from tomorrow. For the rest of us lowly hobos, it’s a wait for the December 2 general release. But either way, there’s a whole freaking lot of war about to go down. For all you need to know about this grand Russian adventure, hit IGN’s roundup.

Godspeed, Battlefield 4. let’s hope you finish a little more gracefully than you started. Bugs-amundo.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Conan O’Brien Kisses Some French Dudes to Death in ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ (VIDEO)

Clueless Gamer- Assassin's Creed Unity
Making the stealthiest choice: bright freaking yellow.

Conan cannot and will not be stopped. From Grand Theft Auto V to Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, he strides into the biggest, badassiest releases unfazed; armed only with his license to snark. He may get a little sidetracked by his efforts to gun down a particularly angry-looking milk carton, but he knows his stuff right here.

Well, usually, no, he effing doesn’t. But hold on to your butts, because this episode of Clueless Gamer is a shocker.

This week, Conan’s trying his hand at Assassin’s Creed Unity. We already know we’re onto something good with this one; he opens with a boner joke. That’s what today’s games reviews have been missing: piss-takery about erectile dysfunction. And when you throw some causal reminding-us-that-Kanye-West-is-still-an-ass into the bargain, that’s all the better.

Above, behold the French Revolution, Conan O’Brien style. We learn that all French people have horrible British accents, and 'collecting receipts and getting involved in theatrical labor disputes’ is the most exciting thing in the world. Most of all, it’s revealed that Conan is a terrifyingly, authorities-alertingly good Assassin’s Creed serial killer.

Via Joystiq.

Goddamn, ‘Mario Kart 8,’ Enough With the Links Already

Turns out, the Wii U does still exist. Who the hell knew?

Traditionally, ultra-studly dudes like ourselves aren’t big on the whole Wii thing. Sure, we had a curious waggle of the Wiimote during the Wii Sports hype phase (circa 2006), and made all kinds of embarrassing wanking motions with it in Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games, but as far as gun-tastic adult gamery goes? You’ll usually have to look elsewhere.

Regardless, there are some Nintendo franchises that transcend Internet bitching about ‘hardcore’ and ‘casual’ and that sort of BS. Mario Kart and Smash Bros. have that universal appeal, and are enough to drive Wii U purchases from some who would never dream of it otherwise.

As such, Mario Kart 8 and the upcoming Smash installment are being milked to hell. They’re even getting their asses together and trying out this newfangled ‘DLC’ thing all the cool kids are talking about. But what happens when you add Link to the character roster? This, that’s what.

Above, you see the aftermath of the first pack of Mario Kart 8 DLC, released yesterday. Also included was Tanooki Mario, but screw that. Mr. Zelda is where the action is. It looks like some creepy-ass clone race from The Twilight Zone.

Via Destructoid.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Minority Report- Everybody Runs’ Sucks So Much That It Doesn’t Suck

Now, let’s be frank here: there are a lot of shitty movies and video games. When the two collide, there’s usually a black hole of pure shit-tacular, insatiable and unstoppable until it has eaten all the horrible crap in the cosmos. (Or, as you may know it, Superman 64.)

It’s easy to suck. Suck is all over the damn place. But only a select few are elevated to ‘so bad it’s good’ status. Minority Report: Everybody Runs is one of them. Buckle up, gentlemen. It’s going to be a bumpy, hilarious and completely demented ride.
Read More » »

A ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Release Trailer for Your Eyeballs, Just Like Old Times (VIDEO)

Grand Theft Auto V PS4 Release Trailer
Guess who's back. Back again. (It's these three guys.)

Remember this time last year? Mexican drug dudes were being arrested, Microsoft were suing everyone’s asses in the ‘Smartphone wars,’ and Miley Cyrus was whipping off her undercrackers to warble her nekkid poptastic craptastic on a wrecking ball. Good times. But even good-erer, Grand Theft Auto V had just hit consoles.

It did so after months of spewing hype from every damn orifice. You couldn’t scratch your ass without a new batch of screens or news titbit getting all up in your business. Trailers, too. Many, many freaking trailers.

As we know, it all paid off, and the game was the kind of sales shitstorm unseen this side of Black Friday. And with the next-gen release approaching (next Tuesday, folks!), the cycle has been repeating. Buckle up, it’s launch trailer o’clock again.

Sure, most of us have cruised around the highways and strip clubs of Los Santos already. But not with this many, y’know, polygons and gigaflops and all those other next-gen technical doohickeys.

‘Assassin’s Creed: Unity’ is Having a Craptastic Week of Performance Problems and Weird-Ass Glitches

Maybe you thought that NBA 2K15‘s face scan fails were are horrifing as glitches could get. Maybe you were damn well right, because it still makes the hairs on my gonads stand on end just to think about them. Still, there’s always room for more Frankenstein-esque nightmares.

Luckily, Assassin’s Creed: Unity is getting in on the action with the above little slice of horror (brought to us by Destructoid). The enigmatic Assassins have always been a low-key, check-out-my-edgy-cape-and-hood-combo bunch of guys, and now we know why: they have no effing faces under there. Those eyeballs floating in a dark void of creepiness and dispair is enough to put anybody off their historical free-roaming adventure.

As is the game’s ropey framerate. Which, oddly, seems to be more of a PS4-based issue. In terms of pure technical grunt, it trumps the Xbox One, but Unity gives no effs about that. If it wants to stutter and lag on PS4, you can damn well bet your ass that it’s going to stutter and lag on PS4.

Polygon, busting out the hardcore technical jargon, reports that the frame rate is 'crazy low' at times. There’s also a ‘mass of bugs,’ ‘killer [pop-in],’ and the lighting is ‘glitchy as hell.’ In short, our Assassin buddies are not having a good time.

But hey, that’s what patches are for.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: ‘The Legend of Zelda- Majora’s Mask’

In the early days of the 3DS, when scaremongering media dudes thought the 3D effect would melt our freaking eyeballs right off, Ocarina of Time 3D was a big deal. This was one of the biggest games ever made, portable and remastered and irresistible for many.

Its appearance in 2011 sparked a three-year session of Internet bitching, whining and petitioning for another game. For the nuttier N64 Zelda, Majora’s Mask, to be given the same treatment. If you’ve really got your shit together and know what’s been going on down Nintendo way, you’ll have heard the recent announcement: it’s happening. At effing last.
Read More » »