Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Hey, Xbox, PlayStation Called. They Want Their Porn Back

Whacked- PS3 Porn

Goddamn. This one’s flip-flopped from a simple ‘who’s the most porntastic’ contest to a serial drama with more mystifying twists than The Da Vinci Code.

Let’s recap… again. Last August, PornHub declared that PS3 was the porn-ogler’s console of choice. Assuming that, y’know, they’re PornHub and probably know their shit in these matters, we believed them. But as it turns out, even the almighty Hub of Porn itself isn’t infallible when it comes to knowing the world’s porn habits. Our whole world views were shaken. If you can’t trust PornHub, who the hell can you trust?

Last week, the Hub (like the Hut, but with less pizza and more anal) hit us with both barrels of updated stat-tacular. They reported that traffic to the site via PlayStation had gone way down, while Xbox –and even freaking Wii– traffic had increased by around 70%. This was controversial. After all, the crown of Perviest, Hardcore-S&M-Viewingest Console is a coveted one. We don’t know if we’re coming or going (pun intended), so who’s on top (also intended)?

To complicate matters further, SugarDVD, the Netflix of porn, now says the exact freaking opposite. Their own spangly infographic (check it out on Destructoid) reports that PS4 users watched 2.6 times more porn than Xbox One users last year. Is this between the consoles, or is it between the porn purveyors themselves? We may never know the answer. But one thing’s for certain: judging by the top five categories searched on PS4, if you’re looking to ogle some amateur (1) big-butted (2) asian (3) college girls’ (4) feet (5), Sony have you covered.

Here’s hoping they work that into their next commercial. Surefire system seller, right there.

The Weekly WTF: Pokémon’s Creeptastic Secret

Lavender Town

Nintendo look so sweet and innocent, don’t they? With their family friendly reputation, cutesy-ass Mii characters out the wazzoo and childlike experimentation with this new ‘online play’ thing they’ve just discovered.

But that’s the ruse. As we know, it’s always the quiet ones. I had a neighbor once, a sweet old dude who was always polite and charming. The cops found a couple of human heads and a half-eaten asscheek in his refrigerator. (Note: anecdote may just be snarky BS.) That’s Nintendo, right there. Nintendo are the serial killer cannibal next door of gaming.

Oh yes indeed. Beneath that toontastic surface, all manner of creepy shit is lurking. Earlier in this series, we heard the freaky story of BEN and the haunted Majora’s Mask cartridge. It’s a classic of gaming creepypasta. But even better known (and more scrote-shrivelingly terrifying) is the business with the Lavender Town Tone.

For this one, we’re partying like it’s 1998, and getting our Pokémon on. The original Game Boy installments, Red and Blue. You know the deal here: young dude with a shit hat is sent on a perilous journey around the world, beating peoples’ pets to death in an attempt to become the ultimate cockfighting champion.

Each town in the region (give or take) has a Pokémon Gym. Your battles with the masters take place here, and besting each one will earn you a badge. With them all in hand, you can challenge the Elite 4 and that other dude, for the title of Champion.

That’s the deal in a nutshell. After all, it’s tough to be a studly Ego-dude and know your poké-shit. Unless you’re the kind of double life leading renegade who brings a Pikachu-branded lunchbox to work at the steelmill/local lumberjack-ing and bear wrestling forest. But anywho, we’ve no time for this BS. To Lavender Town!

This place appears to be just another stop on your journey. A little darker than the others, what with the huge mothereffin’ pokémon graveyard and all, but otherwise regular enough. But don’t be fooled. There’s some insidious evil lurking in that jangly background music.

It was this very music that caused Lavender Town Syndrome. Which is, reports the official wiki of creepypastas, ‘a peak in suicides and illness of children between the ages of 7-12 shortly after the release of Pokémon Red and Green in Japan, back in February 27, 1996.’

It was the high frequency of the tone, supposedly. Too high for adults to hear, but screwing with the minds of kids in all kinds of ghastly-ass ways. The cheery story continues,
‘Due to the Lavender Tone, at least two-hundred children supposedly committed suicide, and many more developed illnesses and afflictions. The children who committed suicide usually did so by hanging or jumping from heights. Those who did not acted irrationally (or) complained of severe headaches after listening to Lavender Town’s theme.’

The music has since been retooled, but this creepy legacy remains. In recent years, a band of Unown (those wierd alphabet pokémon) were found in the area with some tech or other, spelling out the words GET OUT. These ‘mon weren’t even created at this point.

All the hairs on my scrote are standing on end, so that’s probably enough of this.

‘GTA V’ PC Edition Delayed Until March; But Hey, Remember Those Heists?

GTA V PC

How long have our PC brethren waited to get their Grand Theft Auto V on? A year and a freaking half, that’s how long. Give or take a couple months of bitching at the Internet. Well, hold on to your butts, because we’re in for a couple more.

Yesterday, Rockstar confirmed March 24 as the new release date. They also gave us the usual BS,
‘Our apologies for the slight shift in the date but the game requires a few extra weeks of testing and polish to make it as good as can be. Moving a release date is never a decision we take lightly and is a choice we make only when we know it is in the best interests of the game and our fans. Thanks everyone for your understanding and we assure you these few extra weeks will be worth it when the game does arrive in March.’

What’s being done with these extra weeks? Our mothereffin’ heists are being added, that’s what. Y’know, the ones we were promised around Christmas 2013. For the PC edition, they’ll be a feature from the start.

As for the rest of us? They’re on the way sometime in the coming weeks. We long thought them a mere rumour, like the Loch Ness Monster or the Yeti or celebrities who can get out of taxis without flashing their cooches to the waiting paparazzo. Much like the PC edition itself. But nil desperandum, Ego-friends. Both are in the offing. For real this time, apparently.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Brings us the Biggest, Badassiest DLC Yet… Apparently

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare- Havoc DLC

Call of Duty cannot and will not be stopped. Ever. These mad bastards with their fancy-ass expensive trailers have some DLC on the way, and they’re going to thrust it in our faces. We are powerless to resist.

So let’s feast our eyes on Havoc, allegedly the most robust DLC offering the franchise has coughed up yet.

We knew the basics already: four maps (Sideshow, Drift, Core and Urban), the new Exo-Zombies mode and a new weapon and weapon variant. Not forgetting, of course, starring roles for such celebtastic as Bill Paxton and Rose McGowan.

But you know how it is. As the January 27 release date approaches (for Xbox Live, at any rate), they’ll need to get their hype on anew. They’ve got to make back the cash from those celebrity cameos somehow, after all. An in-depth showcase of the Havoc pack would be just the thing.

Well hold on to your scrote, because here’s one now. Check it out below. From sniping in a creepy-ass sideshow to close-quarters combat in the Gobi Desert, it looks like this pack will have all your gun nut needs covered. And did they mention the exo-zombies?

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Black & White

Black and White Header

It’s kind of a gray area, right here. How far back must a game go to be deemed retro? Is 2001 distant enough to qualify? Well, when you’ve got a badass renegade mothereffer like me typing words at your face, yes. Yes it can.

Fourteen years is a pretty damn long time, after all. Ol’ Justin Bieber was just a floppy-haired little ballache then, as opposed to the… little ballache with different hair and a couple shit tattoos that he is today. So I feel completely justified in adding Black & White to the ranks of Retro Love.

For the uninitiated, this is a revolutionary PC strategy title from Lionhead Studios. It’s a diabolical twist on the god game genre, a kind of Populous-meets-the-bastardry-of-Dungeon Keeper sort of affair. Let’s take a look.

You know how these games usually go down. You begin with nothing, and gradually carve out a charming, fancy-ass little slice of nirvana for your people to live in. You’ll develop homes for them, provide resources, and all the other BS people need to flourish. Everything’ll be bright and shiny, they’ll be nice to each other, and the sun with shine out of everyone’s anuses.

Your followers will fight for you during the occasional invasion, but otherwise everything’s great. It’s all a little too flowery and Lifetime TV for me. But Black & White, as the name suggests, offers you a moral aspect to shake things up.

It begins in the standard style. You take the role of a god, brought into existence by a family praying for their son, lost at sea. After you save his ass, the family take you back to their village and let you pick a creature. Your avatar for the game chosen, Black & White begins proper.

Black and White 2

Your objective is to turn all of the tribes on the island to your cause. They can either love you or fear a lightning bolt to the ‘nads on a minute-by-minute basis, either works. All you’ll need is their belief. To this end, you and your creature can perform all kinds of acts, and almost everything will contribute to your good or evil standing with the people. Will you save civilians from natural disasters, or leave them to fry? Will you send in your avatar to trample a building or two to help the hurricane along; the ultimate kick in their believer-asses? Your choice.

As with any karma system, the actions you take will have distinct consequences. The world itself will slowly transform according to your standing. An angelic realm for a goodly creator or a fiery hellhole worthy of the angry Satanic mofo you are.

Black & White
’s AI was pretty damn impressive at the time too. Your creature could be trained, by either slapping or stroking it after it performs actions. It would slowly learn to adapt its behaviour accordingly, and would take on a good or evil alignment for itself.

This one was well-received, for sure, but some think that it didn’t quite live up to the hypetastic. The interaction with the world and such was a little more limited than expected. Still, this was a revolutionary genre entry, worth a re-visit.

Three Minutes With One of the Most Craptacular Games in the Universe

Big Rigs

Now, I don’t know why speedruns are a thing. It’s another way to swing your big ol’ gaming e-peen around, and perhaps get yourself a world record too; that’s probably enough for the nerdly faithful.

Said nerdly faithful have surely had their super-thick spectacles glued to Awesome Games Done Quick. Over the last week, this event has tackled speedruns of all sorts of games, from Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune to Pokémon Red. Around 200 of them in all. This is done twice a year, all streamed online, by volunteers supporting the Prevent Cancer Foundation.

Which is great. People gathering to get their game on in aid of charities is the kind of noble cause that can only do the medium good. Even so, it’s hard to believe that anything positive can ever be gleaned from some poor bastard suffering through Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.

This broken, glitchy ballache appeared in AGDQ’s ‘Awful’ section. It took three minutes to play through. This consists of one half-assed race and the selection of a second track (no need to actually race it, you understand, just choosing it). Whereupon a shitty YOU’RE WINNER message will appear.

Watch the whole Big Rigs disaster unfold below, and hit Kotaku for more on this.

Have a Face-Stabbin’ Good Time as a Zombie in ‘Dying Light’

Dying Light- Be the Zombie

Zombies are, let’s be frank, kind of bastards. Have you ever met a zombie you liked? Presumably not. They’re all about the moaning, the braaaaaains-ing, the breaking-down-flimsy-barricades-to-feast-on-the-screeching-mortals-within-ing and face-chewing. Because of these guys, you can’t ever get attached to characters in The Walking Dead; you never know whose asscheek is going to wind up a chewtoy for an undead chihuahua.

Dumbledore’s death was painful enough. I’m just learning to trust again.

Anywho, yes. Zombies have a cast-iron reputation for assholeism. Which is surely why video games love to exterminate them. Our festering friends’ natural home is survival horror, of course, but they’ve shuffled their way into other genres too. Most often as a target for our furious red hot bullet-tacular justice in arcade shooters.

The upcoming Dying Light is set against the backdrop of another freaking undead apocalypse. You’ll be freeroaming your way around the landscape, scavenging for supplies and fighting for survival amid the hordes. It’s all fairly conventional (fancy-ass parkour mechanics aside), bar this multiplayer aspect.

Here, the game bucks the trend of zombies being something to mow down en masse. One of the players is the zombie, fighting a small band of human enemies in true Evolve fashion. There are preorder DLC shenanigans at work here, with this mode, but it’s looking sweet. With our trailer goggles on, at any rate. Behold: