Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Harvester,’ the Creepiest, Batcrap-iest Horror Game You Ever Saw

Harvester

A lot of nineties horror is, let’s be frank, ball-bustingly awful. Like many (well, most) things from the era, all memory of it should really be sealed in concrete and dumped in the North Sea somewhere. Cell phones the size of studio apartments, leisurewear, shit hair… nope. Denial is the way to go. Those ten years did not happen.

Nevertheless, it can be hard to let go. If you’re brave enough to venture back through the Nineties archives, there’s some sweet, sweet weirdery ripe for the Weekly WTF treatment. Gentlemen, I give you Harvester.

Over in Merry Olde England, the Harvester is a quaint little restaurant chain, offering a salad bar so damn good I’d rent it a seedy motel room and show it a night of damn good illicit lovin’. But it’s also the name of a 1996 point and click PC game. It has the most violent adventure game of all time written right across the front of the box there, so you know this isn’t one to eff with. Let’s take a look.

It’s a familiar story: amnesiac dude awakens in a strange town, with no knowledge of who or where he is. He is ‘Steve,’ and that’s all he’s got to go on. A-pointin’-and-a-clickin’ his way about, Steve soon picks up on the creepy, Silent Hill-esque vibe the town has going on. He picks up on this straight away, sharp guy that he is. It was the sight of a couple children eating their mother that tipped him off.

So yep, shit has very much hit the fan right here. The developer intended the game as a nerdly look at violence in the media vs violence in society, and which creates which. Which is why we’re going to such twisted, WTF places.

Harvester 2

The story centers around a mysterious cult in the small town of Harvest, known as the Order of the Harvest Moon. Steve is repeatedly encouraged by the townsfolk to go and join them, and it’s at their HQ in the center of town where most of the homicidal shady doings go down. ‘It’s messed up and bloody throughout,’ quoth PCGamer. ‘How do you feel about a puzzle where you burn down a poor woman’s diner, leading to her committing suicide and taking her daughter with her? That’s nothing compared to the stuff in the second half…’

In Harvester, any effing thing goes. Most of the NPCs, we’re told, can be casually murdered for no reason at all. There are Itchy and Scratchy-esque gory death scenes, ghastly-ass torture machines, and a cast of townsfolk that’d make the Manson Family look well-adjusted. It’s just damn macabre weirdery on every and any front, and we salute it for it.

At the end, we learn the grim secret of the town. Steve (and Stephanie, his non-killable sidekick) are hooked up to a VR simulator, which has created Harvest and everything they’ve seen there. The whole twisted vision ws intended to turn gamers into serial killers, apparently, and Steve has to make a choice: kill Stephanie and be freed to live (real) life as a serial killer, or marry her and live ot their virtual lives in Harvest.

Because that’s just the kind of thought Harvester likes to leave you with. For a taste of this confuzzling cult classic, take a look below.

My, ‘Metal Gear Solid V,’ What Norktastic Action Figures You Have

Metal Gear Solid V Quiet Figure

‘This is either madness or brilliance.’
‘It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.’

If you’re wondering why I’m bringing an obscure Pirates of the Caribbean quote to your attention (which you are, because I’ve just wantonly typed it at your faces with no context or anything, like the mad bastard I am), it’s because these words –and this action figure– have Hideo Kojima written all over them.

The two traits coincide in his mind on a hourly basis. Real genius requires vision, dedication and the ability to give absolutely zero effs what anybody else may think. The departed Metal Gear overlord has this in spades. Who else could have bought the world endless ladder-climbing scenes, easter eggs involving jacking off in lockers and boobtacular squishy action figures?

Here we see Metal Gear Solid V’s Quiet, a woman who has never been quiet about flaunting her rack. At Mr. Kojima’s request, quoth Kotaku, the collectible has,
‘…soft pushable boobs. The boobs can be squished together… on a toy. This was the man who was going to make Silent Hills. I don’t even know anymore. Boobies.’

Just what the industry needs, I’m sure. Backlash-amundo? Probably. Still, the man knows what he likes.

Latest ‘The Evil Within’ DLC Gets its Creepy Keeper On Again

The Evil Within The Keeper

Remember this angry bastard from The Evil Within? He/it was dubbed The Keeper, and was a monumental asspain in the game’s catacombs section. He’d lurk about in the dark, all broody and muttery, like a huge furious misunderstood teen. An elongated boss battle of sorts, the catacombs were a cramped chase/obstacle course of death. Which, incidentally, happened to me many times before I made it through.

Screw you, Keeper. Screw you always.

Anywho, if you know what the hell I’m talking about here, these fresh details of The Evil Within’s next and last DLC might be for you.

The final installment is The Executioner, available from May 26. This final befuddling episode will, as the game’s been promising for so damn long, let us play as The Keeper. Which sets us up for even more slashy, stabby bloodtastic than usual.

The spangly new teaser, true to its name, doesn’t want to divulge too much ahead of release. But there are a few info-nuggets to suckle on. Mainly that surprisingly badass first-person perspective; it’s like being a horror movie villain. In a deeply cliched world of swirling mists and chainsaws and such. As per The Evil Within norm, natch. Back to the Victoriano Estate we go! Take a look:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Mega Man

Mega Man

Before there was Mega Man 2, there was… Mega Man 1. Because, y’know, that’s how this whole ‘numbering’ thing works. But this isn’t Barney the Dinosaur’s Mathtastic Craptastic for Kindergardeners. Mega Man doesn’t eff around, and you’d better hold on to your butt because his first game is coming at you now.

The Blue Bomber (which sounds like one of those shitty nicknames you tried to give yourself back in the day and bitterly regret later) debuted on the NES in 1987. The game marked the start of a decades-long struggle between a humanoid robot, a non-ginger Doctor Robotnik and his crew of dastardly and bastardly robot masters. Let’s take a look.

Dr Light and his assistant Dr Wily have created seven fancy-ass advanced robots: Mega Man himself, plus the six masters (Cut Man, Elec Man, Bomb Man, Ice Man, Fire Man and Guts Man). They were intended as goodly workers, but the traitorous Wily reprograms the robot masters for use in his meglomaniacal plans. Only the nerdly Mega Man remains, and it’s up to him to take these angry mofos out.

It’s not easy. Which is to say, it’s ball-busting, shit-your-pants difficult. Before Dark Souls and Bloodborne and the like, this is what unforgiving and challenging gaming looked like. This was the case with most games of the era, but Mega Man took it a step further.

Mega Man 2

The 2D platform/guntastic levels are riddled with hazards. They’ll demand pixel-perfect jumps out of you, then enemies will spawn at the exact spot to send your ass plummeting into the ravine anyway. Then there are the effing spikes of death, so beloved of the series. The remotest contact with these will kill, and the devious designs of the levels still bring players out in a cold sweat almost thirty years later.

For the uninitiated, you choose to take on the robot masters in any order you like. They are the bosses of each of the six stages, and you gain their own special weapon for defeating them. Each of the ‘bots is vulnerable to the weapon of another, so there’s a little strategy at play here with the order.

The first game introduced so many of these elements, all now synonymous with the series. It’s one of those magic formulas, and that’s exactly why Mega Man is still the badass little gaming icon he is today.

Conan O’Brien Has an Erotic Adventure on Sex Island in ‘The Witcher III: Wild Hunt’

Clueless Conan

Conan, as we know, is quite the gaming guru. With a controller in his hand, there’s nothing he can’t do. If you’re looking for someone to viciously take out cartons of milk in Call of Duty while laughing like a crazy bastard, or crashland a helicopter into a Grand Theft Auto V strip club because the bouncer ticked him off, Conan is your man.

His reviews aren’t what you’d call conventional. They’re more what you’d call completely batshit. Still, we don’t come to Clueless Gamer for the critical insight.

In this episode, he tries his hand at The Witcher III: Wild Hunt. And as usual, our ol’ buddy Conan has no time for backstory. Or context. Or listening to what the hell he’s actually supposed to be doing. That’s for chumps. It’s much more fun to declare yourself the Emperor of MILFgard, do a little light yard work with your sword and get accidentally turned on by a shot of feet coming out of a bathtub, which turn out to belong to a dude (“They tricked me into being turned on! This game just outed me!”).

That water hag had better watch out, Conan’s feeling especially amorous today. Check out possibly the best Clueless Gamer so far after the jump.
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Latest ‘Godzilla’ Trailer Brings All the Big Freaking Monsters You Can Handle

Godzilla

How many big freaking monsters are too many? I’m not sure, but we’re probably perilously close here. I can’t deal with this on a Monday morning.

Now, if you’re of a nerdly persuasion, you’ll be familiar with the term kaiju. It simply means monster, and refers to a whole range of Godzilla-ish entertainment from Japan. Tokyo being trampled, hulking things firing ridiculous energy beams at each others’ nads, you know the sort of thing. The ‘zilla, natch, is the world’s best-known kaiju, and he’s bringing a whole array of the huge freakish bastards along for his latest game.

This one hit PS3 in Japan late last year, and is scheduled for a Western release this summer. Through the magic of trailers, editing tricks and IGN’s Rewind Theater, we can now have a damn good ogle at the monsters that made the cut so far.

Natch, there are numerous iterations of Godzilla himself. Regular, Mechagodzilla, Space Godzilla, Thrilla in Manila Vanilla Godzilla, they’re all here. As are –our geektacular hosts gleefully point out– all kinds of obscure villains and allies from the Godzilla archives. You’ll fight and fight as all of them in the game, which is always something fans appreciate.

The jury’s still out on Godzilla’s sucky/not sucky status. The big guy doesn’t have the best track history with video games, after all. But one thing’s plain to see: this one’s trying to be a crowd pleaser.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When OAPs Play ‘Mortal Kombat’

Mortal Kombat OAP

I don’t know how to break this to you, but… Mortal Kombat X is pretty effing violent. What with Fatalities, Brutalities and the general acid-melting-faces-Indiana Jones-style, this is some serious business right here. You’re not playing Barney the Dinosaur Dances About Adorably now, buddy boy.

As such, it’s not the sort of fare you want to be playing with dear ol’ grandma. The cutesy-ass Wii Sports is much more her speed; once you’ve convinced her that the fancy motion-detecty tech won’t steal her soul.

Or so you’d think. But sometimes, OAPS can be pretty damn badass. It makes sense, what with all the D-Day and Vietnam and such they’ve had to deal with. So how would they do with a little Mortal Kombat X?

Over on TheFineBros, the team of intrepid pensioners got their Kombat on. There was a brief tournament, followed by an episode of Elders React to Mortal Kombat Fatalities. It’s predictably hilarious, with opinions ranging from the childlike sense of ‘this is bloody as hell and I love it for it’ to raw, unadulterated righteous outrage. Remember Dead Space 2‘s Your Mom Will Hate This campaign? That’s the sort of deal.

Highlights of the below clip would have to be Lloyd’s reaction to Mileena’s fangy finisher (‘No! No! Don’t do that! You don’t eat the face! Ah, c’mon!’) and Shirley demanding that this sort of thing should be illegal. Check it out.