Remember this time last year? Mexican drug dudes were being arrested, Microsoft were suing everyone’s asses in the ‘Smartphone wars,’ and Miley Cyrus was whipping off her undercrackers to warble her nekkid poptastic craptastic on a wrecking ball. Good times. But even good-erer, Grand Theft Auto V had just hit consoles.
It did so after months of spewing hype from every damn orifice. You couldn’t scratch your ass without a new batch of screens or news titbit getting all up in your business. Trailers, too. Many, many freaking trailers.
As we know, it all paid off, and the game was the kind of sales shitstorm unseen this side of Black Friday. And with the next-gen release approaching (next Tuesday, folks!), the cycle has been repeating. Buckle up, it’s launch trailer o’clock again.
Sure, most of us have cruised around the highways and strip clubs of Los Santos already. But not with this many, y’know, polygons and gigaflops and all those other next-gen technical doohickeys.
Maybe you thought that NBA 2K15‘s face scan fails were are horrifing as glitches could get. Maybe you were damn well right, because it still makes the hairs on my gonads stand on end just to think about them. Still, there’s always room for more Frankenstein-esque nightmares.
Luckily, Assassin’s Creed: Unity is getting in on the action with the above little slice of horror (brought to us by Destructoid). The enigmatic Assassins have always been a low-key, check-out-my-edgy-cape-and-hood-combo bunch of guys, and now we know why: they have no effing faces under there. Those eyeballs floating in a dark void of creepiness and dispair is enough to put anybody off their historical free-roaming adventure.
As is the game’s ropey framerate. Which, oddly, seems to be more of a PS4-based issue. In terms of pure technical grunt, it trumps the Xbox One, but Unity gives no effs about that. If it wants to stutter and lag on PS4, you can damn well bet your ass that it’s going to stutter and lag on PS4.
Polygon, busting out the hardcore technical jargon, reports that the frame rate is ‘crazy low’ at times. There’s also a ‘mass of bugs,’ ‘killer [pop-in],’ and the lighting is ‘glitchy as hell.’ In short, our Assassin buddies are not having a good time.
But hey, that’s what patches are for.
In the early days of the 3DS, when scaremongering media dudes thought the 3D effect would melt our freaking eyeballs right off, Ocarina of Time 3D was a big deal. This was one of the biggest games ever made, portable and remastered and irresistible for many.
Its appearance in 2011 sparked a three-year session of Internet bitching, whining and petitioning for another game. For the nuttier N64 Zelda, Majora’s Mask, to be given the same treatment. If you’ve really got your shit together and know what’s been going on down Nintendo way, you’ll have heard the recent announcement: it’s happening. At effing last.
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Horror movies, games and TV shows have always had a boner for jump scares. Only horror novels seem exempt, although a special edition of The Shining with a pop-up picture of Jack Nicolson in his heeeere’s Johnny! pose is an effing great idea. Get on that, publishing dudes.
Anywho. Yep. They’re cheap, they’re hackneyed, but they damn well work. They work so well that one of the biggest horror games of recent times is centered around one. And only one. Behold the ballache that is Five Nights at Freddy’s.
The latest slice of rabid piss-takery from Honest Game Trailers gets it bang on, as they usually do. You could praise the game for its innovative concept and presentation, as well as its simple-yet-effective approach. You could. But what’s funny about that? We all know what Freddy’s is really good for: making dumbasses on Youtube crap their undercrackers.
Chuck E. Cheese, Ronald McDonald, these bastards are all terrifying in their own way. If you’ve ever been in their kitchens and seen how the Mc‘roadkill’Nuggets are made, you have witnessed true terror. Nonetheless, check out Freddy giving them a horribly predictable run for their money above.
Super Smash Bros. isn’t for the faint-hearted. Or those with motion sickness, or an aversion to freaking balls-out crazy. It’s not technically a fighting game, more of a party game with Mario punching Bowser in his big green gonads and suchlike.
A four-player match is pretty freaking ridiculous as it is. Free-for-alls always descend into chaos, particularly when items and special rules are in play. With Bob-ombs flying everywhere, a Final Smash or two and the speed increased, the crazy-ass is strong with this one.
But that’s just not enough for the mad, mad bastards at Nintendo. The upcoming Wii U installment is to double the frantic funtimes, with new eight player matches.
If you’ve gotten your Smash on previously, right about now you’ll be wondering how in holy hell this could possibly work. On hearing the announcement, my initial thought was ‘clustereff.’ Now that we can see it in action? Super ultra double clustereff confirmed.
Feast your bemused eyes on Kotaku’s footage right over here, a typical 8-man brawl on Yoshi’s Island. It’s nuts, even before the Metroid comes to suck some face.
What happened to the days when studly dudes would settle their disputes honorably? Over Europe way in the Middle Ages, nerdly knights had a thing called chivalry. This meant, sure, wreck each others’ shit if you must, but do it respectfully. Have a gentlemanly joust, and invite the loser over to your castle for cocktails and a game of croquet on the lawn if both of his legs are still on.
Sadly, the guys and gals of Mortal Kombat will have none of that. It’s much more fun to brandish an enemy’s still-beating heart, squeeze it and drink the resulting blood, like the mad, mad bastard you are.
Yep, here’s another slice of the upcoming Mortal Kombat X’s fatalities. This lil’ showcase features Scorpion, Kotal Kahn and Quan Chi. Spoiler: they’re all assholes.
We’d already seen Quan Chi’s charming new hypnotise-them-into-walking-eyeball-first-into-the-blade-of-your-sword move, but that’s just the tip of the uber-violent stabtacular iceberg. The franchise seems desperate to top even the last game’s gore, with faces being sliced right freaking off and the squelchy brain-meat beneath revealed in extreme close-up.
Throw in a few of those spangly new X-ray attacks, and you’ve got yourself a show.
Conan O’Brien has, as today’s young people call it, ‘1337 skills.’ They’d probably spell skills with a Z, like the untamed renegade badasses they are, but balls to that. When a gamer guru like Conan is on the case, there’s no time to be pernickety about spelling.
Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare hit stores this week, instantly becoming one of the biggest releases of recent months. Y’know, just by having ‘Call of Duty’ on the front of the box there. But is it the revolutionary entry the hype train promised? Does the franchise still have what it takes? There was only one man to ask.
Alas, that man (the one who would’ve known what the effing hell he was talking about) was off that day. But fear not, our ol’ buddy Conan’s here with another episode of Clueless Gamer.
This guy will not and cannot be stopped. Watch in awe as he defeats two –count ‘em– useless grunts singlehanded, only wasting about five clips by shooting holy hell out of the sky, surrounding trees and a hapless milk carton in the process. Think on, evildoers, Conan’s coming for you. And once he’s determined whether those ominous laser sights in the distance are bad guys’ guns or innocent office dudes mid-Powerpoint presentation, he’s going to whup your ass.
The highlight of this episode? Get across the street!