Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Grisly, Blood-Leaky Deaths Await in ‘Alien Isolation’ (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation
Oh balls.

Alien, as we know, makes for a great movie franchise but an utterly wanktacular video game. Usually. Remember Aliens: Colonial Marines? The game that pledged to bring us the full badass space marine experience? It was balls.

But hey, let’s not bitch about Alien: Isolation just yet. It has a chance.

This one’s all about an entirely disparate survival experience. We aren’t cruising about with huge eff-off guns, gleefully dispatching any horror we come across. Instead, we’re hiding behind the desk like big girls while some other poor bastard gets their face chewed on. It’s less Resident Evil 5 and more ‘that moment with the two little urchins in the kitchen with the raptors in Jurassic Park.’

Which is what crap-your-pants horror is all about. And if that’s what Isolation is going to serve up, this may be one to watch after all. Here’s a quick terror-tastic new clip from the game, showcasing just the kind of situation you’re going to be getting yourself into. That ending? Ouch. You forget what huge bastards those Xenomorphs are.

The New Godzilla Movie, Retold as a Craptacular Retro Video Game (VIDEO)

Godzilla 8-Bit
Funky-looking face aside, you wouldn't eff with this guy.

You know how it can be with Godzilla movies. There isn’t enough mothereffin’ Godzilla in them, and you wind up with an hour or so of padding and prattle. You just want somebody to wake you when he starts using the Chrysler Building as a chewtoy, and/or pouring busloads of passengers into his gaping toothy maw.

That’s why we go to watch this guy: to see shit being wrecked. He just doesn’t get to flex his shit-wrecking muscle enough these days.

But worry ye not, gentlemen. CineFix and their 8-bit Cinema series hear our cries. These crazy guys like to bring us NES-style reconstructions of movies, and their latest is the all-kinds-of-ridiculous Godzilla!. Kotaku call it ‘...a strange mixture of Metal Slug and SNK's King of Monsters,’ which is something we can get on board with.

Watch in wonderment as Godzilla murderises buildings just by breathing near them, then shoulder-charges a bridge just to be a dick. Y’know, like the big ol’ angry lizard mofo he’s supposed to be. Jangly retro music and crappy sprites supplied as standard.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Hogs of War

Hogs of War is a brilliant amalgamation of three of our favorite things: crazy-ass Worms-esque cartoon violence, bacon, and shitty puns. You’re going to want to put your pants back on and pay attention for this one. This is great stuff, right here.

Have you ever wanted to play an odd kind of spin-off of Team 17‘s much beloved strategy game? One that starred homicidal, anthropomorphic pigs in a World War One setting? Which was also narrated by Rik Mayall, nutty Brit comedian of Bottom and The Young Ones fame? Damn right you have. This, gentlemen, is that game.
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‘Assassin’s Creed: Rogue’ Story Trailer: Now With 67% More Templar-tastic Treachery (VIDEO)

Assassin's Creed Rogue
This all looks very familiar. But it isn't.

By this time, Creedaholics know the deal. The Assassins aren’t quite ‘good guys,’ per se, but their Templars are assholes from the depths of the devil’s undercrackers ideology has become pretty well entrenched.

So what -what in the name of balls- would happen if we were wrong all along? What if our long-standing enemies were mere victims of these surly hooded bastards? We would know we’d arrived in some horrifying Bizarro World, where Justin Bieber was widely celebrated for his musical genius, that’s what.

Well, prepare not to vomit blood from your eyeballs at the very mention of Baby or As Long as You Love Me or other such wank, because that’s just the case with Assassin’s Creed: Rogue. Apparently.

Yes indeed. As the trailer shows, our hero Shay was once an Assassin. He had an epiphany (that he was 'being decieved into ending innocent lives'), and turned against his brothers. He also has a hideously craptacular Irish accent --think Colin Farrell as Bullseye in Daredevil-- but that has little bearing on the story.

Suffice it to say that he’s now an Assassin Hunter, and the stage is set for more Black Flag-esque drama with big ol’ ships on the high seas. Take a look.

IGN’s ‘Best of GTA V’ Bonanza Has All the Talking Dogs, Bond Cars and Jeeps Driving Out of Planes’ Cargo Holds You Could Ever Want (VIDEO)

Yep, this is the sort of thing.

Grand Theft Auto V. Is it the ball-busting best game of (last) year? Of several years, in fact? Is it just a craptacular heap of overhyped hokum? That’s in the eye of the beholder, Ego-friends, it’s not for us to decide for you.

Don’t look at us, we don’t even know what the hell 'hokum' is.

Whatever your view, there’s one thing the game abso-effing-lutely does have: a crazy sense of action movie style. And a deep lust for all things guntastic. Which is two things, granted, but it’s totally got both of them.

This is IGN’s round-up of the game’s best moments. The funniest missions, the most bizarre, the most shit-your-pants Michael Bay melodramatic... they’re all here. Franklin’s trippy Doctor Doolittle moment with the disappearing dog (‘man, that’s a cool-ass dog you’ve got, homie’) was a highlight for sure, but it’s just the beginning.

As the Interwebs likes to say, it all escalates rather quickly, and you’re soon driving an effing jeep straight out of a plane’s cargo hold like the crazy mofo you are. Take a look, and see how many of your favorites are featured.

The Weekly WTF: Pink Camo and Shooting Soap Bubbles Just Doesn’t Scream ‘Predator’

There was such potential for Predator on the NES. The movie would make for great survival horror and/or balls-out shooter fare: cruising through the trees as Arnold Schwarzenegger, not havin’ time to bleed, shooting up guerrilla camps and having all the usual gung-ho manly funtimes.

That scene where everybody unleashes their entire stock of ammo into some freaking trees, bellowing furious war cries and alerting every opponent within a thousand mile radius to their position? That was the most masculine scene we have ever, or will ever, see. It brings tingling tears to our testes just thinking about it.
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‘Brutal Doom’ Brings the Most Man-tastic Violence You’ll See Today (VIDEO)

Brutal Doom
Um... it's not how it looks, officer.

Doom aficionados will be familiar with the mod Brutal Doom. For those of us who thought there wasn’t quite enough effing violence in the game already, this was the answer. Do we want flowery, girly, as-seen-on-Lifetime TV-commercials games? No, no we don’t. Nuts to that.

With Brutal Doom, it’s now a shitstorm of gore and swirling bullets that rivals the last half hour of Commando. And that’s something we can get on board with. Doom daddy John Romero himself once told IGN that, if released in 1993, the modded version ‘would’ve destroyed the game industry.’ That’s the kind of balls-out badassery we’re dealing with here.

The project has been ongoing since 2010, and is still finding new and brilliant ways to disgust and delight. Developer SGtMarkIV brings us this footage of v20, and it’s just as charming as ever. Stray limbs and other bloody chunks of beast-flesh fly about as usual, but what’s more important is the aftermath.

‘On v19 the dripping blood always looked the same and had an annoying sound. Now the blood will drip in different amounts depending of how much blood has hit the ceiling, and with much better new sounds,’ quoth SGtMarkIV. So, drippy blood sound enthusiasts, this one’s for you. Check it out, if you're of stout heart and steely scrote. And, y'know, in company that won't object to this sort of thing.

Via Kotaku.