Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Honest Game Trailers Gets Down and Mocktastic with ‘Destiny’ (VIDEO)

Destiny Honest Trailer
Oh, really?

Honest Game Trailers, you cheeky bastards. Have some respect for your elders, your superiors, your... AAA games which don’t want you to know they actually underwhelmed our asses.

Step forward, Destiny, the latest title to be tarred and feathered by Honest’s... feathery tar of piss-takery. Yes indeed, in this episode, they take on one of the most hypetacular games of recent months. Because nothing is beyond the righteous middle finger of these guys.

"The storytelling of Halo, the scope of World of Warcraft and the co-operative fun of Borderlands — may eventually get patched in," the announcer promises, before debunking all of the PR wang-waving the game enjoyed pre-release. We were promised a ball-busting FPS/MMO/RPG hybrid, and... well, yes. This happened.

Fear not though, gentlemen. Via the power of snark and witty bitching, HGT are bringing Destiny to rights. DLC cash grabs, piss-poor voice acting and the shitness of color-coded loot, we’re looking at you.

‘Far Cry 4’ is a Bear-Harpoonin’ Good Time

Bears, as we know, are awesome. They spend their days shitting on the floor of caves and swiping pic-er-nic baskets, and we’re damned if we’re going to question their lifestyle choices. These hairy-assed mofos eat umpteen tons of food and sleep for a whole freaking season, and you just can’t argue with that level of no-effs-given. Who wouldn’t want to snore their way through the whole damn winter if they had the chance?

“Winter? That, I don’t need. Balls to it. I’m going to bed. Cancel the milk, call Bob to say I’ll miss the next 27 squash games and tell the boss I’ll be back in... three months. Wake me in March.” That is what bears say, and we respect them for it.

Nevertheless, as grandma always used to say, there comes a time when you must harpoon the ones you love.

Well, y’know, someone said it. Grandma, Charles Manson, whoever. It’s not important. All we know is that PETA aren’t going to be sending Far Cry 4 a holiday card after this. Check out the trailer over on Destructoid, showcasing the benefits of pre-ordering. Namely, the terrifying ‘Impaler’ harpoon gun, and a gaggle of angry bears and rhinos to point it at.

Meanwhile, in ‘Mortal Kombat X,’ Quan Chi is Still An Ass (VIDEO)

Quan Chi
The greatest villain who ever... looked like Uncle Fester.

Ah, Quan Chi. Since your introduction in Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (which you may remember as ‘y’know, that shitty Mortal Kombat cartoon from the 90s’), you’ve been one of the series’ most hated villains.

Which is quite a feat, when you consider the MK competition. We’ve got homicidal blood-drinking ninjas and angry four-armed half-dragons all over the damn place right here. And you wouldn’t even invite the good guys home to meet the folks. In short, this Netherealm necromancer is a special kind of asshole.

The kind who will tear the very dimensions of the universe asunder, just so he can thrust his fist into a warp hole so it comes out of another and punches you in the freaking ‘nads from thirty feet away. And that’s just one tool this... tool has in his toolbag of toolishness. He’s going all out for the upcoming Mortal Kombat X.

Above, the game’s producer showcases some more of Quan Chi’s trademark douchey moves. Because three new variants equal thrice the demonic beatdowns.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Hulk Hogan in ‘Crazy Taxi’? Why the Eff Not?

As we all know damn well, Hulk Hogan is a man of many talents. He’s a man of every effing talent, come to that. Do you need a dickish commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios? Call on the Hulk. Or perhaps someone to style your facial hair really freaking badly? Call on the Hulk. Most of all, if you need somebody who’s totally not racist, not even a little bit, and he’s rather offended by the implication, call on the mothereffin’ Hulk.

His phobia of baggy pants aside, this guy’s just a cyclone of all-round badassery. There is nothing, nothing ever, that he can’t do.

But hey, we’re stating the obvious. Here’s something you may not know about ol’ Mr. H: he’s now a Crazy Taxi character. Because sometimes, the great ideas are just right in front of you.

Yep, this is an actual thing that’s happened. iOS release Crazy Taxi: City Rush is now on the former side of the great gaming gulf, between video games with Hulk Hogan in and video games without Hulk Hogan in. There’s only one side worth bothering our asses about, naturally, and City Rush has made the right choice.

Via Gamespot.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em,’ the Most Porntastic Game You Ever Saw

If you’re a retro-head and/or general old bastard, you might remember Chef. Or Oil Panic. Or Parachute. Or umpteen freaking others. These decrepit Game and Watch titles revolved around one core concept: grabbing things.

Said things, whether they be flecks of oil, cement, low-flying bacon or dudes parachuting into shark infested seas, cannot hit the ground. That way lies shame, doomily doom-y doom, and a GAME OVER screen. This, you don’t want. So get your shit together, and catch your things.
Read More » »

Turns Out, Duke Nukem and Doom are Art. Who Knew?

It’s easy to have a rather scathing attitude towards art. Y’know, when those fancy shows exhibit things like a unmade bed with a couple of pubes in it. Or half a shark in a tank of formaldehyde. Or that screwed up ball of paper and wad of blu-tac which won... some fancy-ass arty prize or other.

You could say things like, “this is all bollocks, right here,” or “screw this, where are all of the sexy lady artists with their undercrackers-free self portraits?” You could, and we would respect you for it. You’re shooting from the hip, keeping it real, and whatever else they say on TV.

Anywho, yes. Now for some art we can get on board with. Making a poem from Doom’s difficulty settings? That’s some top artsiness. See that up top? That’s deep, right there. This is the sort of spectacle that awaits in Berlin’s Dam Gallery, all through October. Behold the brainchild of veteran paintbrush-brandisher Aram Bartholl.

The show, dubbed ‘Hurt Me Plenty,’ purports to be an exploration of mankind’s increasing reliance on all things digital, and the perils involved with such. In practise, it seems to involve bringing your old hard drives along and mangling them in a hardware crusher. Y’know, symbolically.

This being an art show, there’s a good amount of pretentious wankery here. This whole business is ‘inspired by the questions and developments engaging humankind’s ‘entry’ into the digital realm and the role of the first person as ‘shooter’. Bartholl deconstructs stereotypes about pixel imaging with unique large-scale works that are subtly combined with a series of pieces about issues of privacy, surveillance and net neutrality,’ quoth the official site.

‘With this exhibition, Bartholl proposes a new discourse that challenges the current debates about surveillance versus the seemingly antiquated ideas and images of ‘cyberspace.’

Of course he does.

Via Kotaku.

‘Monstrum’ Brings the Oculus Rift to Horror Games, Pants May Or May Not Be Fouled (VIDEO)

Monstrum
Hmm, this looks familiar.

Recently, Alien: Isolation has been monopolizing the whole ‘big ol’ monster stalking your ass in the dark’ thing. It’s doing it rather well, from we’ve seen thus far, but let’s diversify a little. There are other freaky things desperate for a bite of our ‘nads too, and it’d be rude not to give them the opportunity.

Particularly in Monstrum’s case. This January 2015 release has its own claim to fame: use of the spangly new Oculus Rift equipment. With this, we can get a full-on immersive experience, complete with headset and earphones. After all, with other survival horror, you run the risk of the spell being broken constantly; by telemarketing bastards or Ma calling you because it’s time to hose her down again. Or, y’know, something like that.

The world does conspire against us getting our game on. But not so with the Oculus. You’re thrusting your goddamn face right into the action, like one of those VR headsets that nineties cartoons thought we’d all have by now.

Said action looks a little cliched to us, but let’s not bitch about it. Monstrum is set on an abandoned ship, where some poor bastard (that is, the player, naturally) is being hunted by something hungry and growly and flesh-rendy. Take a look at the trailer above, it has all the dodgy boiler rooms and creepy ambient sounds you could ask for.