Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Using Horse Crap as a Weapon in ‘Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain’

As fans will know, Metal Gear Solid isn’t afraid to embrace the crazy-ass. Whether you’re climbing an endless ladder to dramatic musical accompaniment, having a quick wank in a locker while Otacon looks on (and earning the wordplay-tastic Snake Beater trophy for doing so) or taking a photo of the steam rising from a guard’s pee (there’s an in-game reason for doing so, that’s not just a pervy fetish thing), anything can happen.

We spent an hour in the third game hunting alligators with a knife, stabbing them in the face and eating them. We’ve no idea what point we’re making with all this, but consider it made right there.

Anywho, yes. Eccentric would probably be a fair word to describe Metal Gear mastermind Hideo Kojima. Also, creator of weaponized horseshit, but that’s four words.

Destructoid brings us this charming tale this week, from the upcoming Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. The earliest teasers of the game showed Snake adding horse riding to his resume, but we had no idea how useful our ol’ equine buddy would turn out to be. For starters, enemy jeeps are no match for its huge turds. Hit the link and watch as they spin out Mario Kart style after hitting a bump/dump in the road.

Via Destructoid.

Gamescom 2014: ‘Until Dawn’ Brings Creepiness, Craptacular Cliches (VIDEO)

Until Dawn
The horror!

Our Euro-buddies are right in the midst of Gamescom 2014, that E3-lite no bastard pays quite enough attention to. Well, zip up your flies and listen up, because we’re bringing you the picks of the show.

Beginning with Until Dawn. Now, we’ve all heard games promising to ‘reinvent’ their genres. Sometimes it happens, and we’re blown away on a tide of innovation that sends our brains dribbling out of our ears. The other 99.99% of the time, they’re just blowing smoke up our skirts. Not that we’re cynical.

If there’s one thing that doesn’t revolutionize horror, it’s a small band of dumbasses dicking about in a cabin in the woods at night. With a ouija board. And a homicidal crazy lurking around. That’s Lazy Scary Shit to Put in Movies for Dummies, right there. Still, we’re sure Until Dawn can make it work.

This PS4 title does at least have an unusual angle going on, giving you control of the destinies of these eight unfortunate souls. Who gets impaled in the nads by a pair of rusty secateurs? You decide! (If you’re listening, Big Brother producers, that’d be a great way to liven up the show. You can thank us later.)

Check it out.

‘Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare’ Brought the CODtastic to Gamescom 2014 (VIDEO)

Call of Duty Advanced Warfare
Warfare has never looked so... advanced.

Of course it did. It’s not like one of the biggest names in gaming was going to miss the party. Advanced Warfare hit the Cologne trade show like a ton of bricks. Manly, gunplay-based bricks.

Which is to say, our ol’ buddies at IGN got a chance to play the new installment, and recorded it for our slightly bloodshot eyeballs (no, ma, we don’t have a drink problem) to feast on.

As we know, we’re heading a little further into the future with this one. Dicking around with Kevin Spacey in the year 2054 is something we can all get on board with, but what does it mean for the Call of Duty we know and love?

A mix of the old and the new, apparently. Those iron sights haven’t changed a bit, but the fancy-ass holographic HUD? It’s like something out of Dead Space. These could be just the steps the series needed to take, without changing beyond recognition and awakening the wrath of the Internet rageaholics.

Take a look.

The Weekly WTF: Hey, Remember When Michael Jordan Saved the World from Freaky Basketball-Zombie-Things?

As we know, if there’s one thing celebrities love, it’s hawking shit. The bottom of the barrel was thoroughly scraped by Hulk Hogan’s wanktastic commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios (you thought that Hulk Hogan doesn’t eat nuts and honey, and so did he, but then plot twist: once he tries them, he effing loves them), but there are all kinds of licensed horrors besides.

Such as Michael Jordan dicking about in SNES ‘classic’ Chaos in the Windy City.
Read More » »

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Smash TV

Ah, Smash TV. You’re a guy of simple tastes, and you know what you like. Mass blood-leaky carnage, a general ridiculous shitstorm, all of that good stuff. This is a relic of a bygone gaming era, right here. Plots? Character development? Nuts to that, let’s just shoot and/or explodinate everyone’s face. Right off.

It’s the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie philosophy, and there’s nothing more man-tastic.

Anywho, yes. On to the point. And we do have one. Strap your ass in, here it comes now.
Read More » »

PS3‘s Possibly Craptacular New Godzilla Game is Pretty Damn Heavy on the Badass Carnage

As we know, Godzilla is a freaking angry son of a bastard. He’s also gargantuan enough to make the average apartment building look about the size of a gnat’s wang. When you combine these two traits with proximity to a major population center, it’s a recipe for mass destruction, bloody mangle-y deaths by the thousand and more explosions than the entire Die Hard movie series could muster.

Crushing the population of Tokyo into tiny fragments of bone and pain sounds like quite the dramatic video game. Sadly, though, everyone’s favorite monster has never fared too well on consoles. As such, most of us have already dismissed the upcoming PS3 Godzilla without a second thought. Nuts to it, we’ve said, and we’ve probably been right.

But hold on there, buddy boy. There’s still potential for us all to take a sucker punch to the gonads from the fist of not-sucking.

Behold these screenshots, for instance. Sure, they look like hell, powered by vintage 2006 techtastic and all, but still. What they lack in spangly next-gen visuals, they certainly compensate for in pure destructive destruction. With extra destroying sauce and a side order of wreck-every-freaking-thing salad.

Take a look at the violence-strewn gallery, and join us in hoping that Godzilla can catch a gaming break for once.

Via Scified, hit the link for the full set of shots.

‘Alien: Isolation’ Tells Us More About Bringing the Legacy to Life (VIDEO)

Alien Isolation- Reuniting The Cast
Ah, they don't look a day over... 70.

We’ve heard of this business before, granted. Alien: Isolation is bringing the hypetastic by crafting an authentic Alien experience. More survival horror, less holy balls, this sucks grandma’s cooch. It’s going to expunge the taste of furious vomity bile that Colonial Marines left in our mouths. Y’know, apparently.

To that end, you’re going to need the original cast on board. Or a subset of them who can still be assed to get involved with this sort of thing, at any rate.

And that’s just how it happened. The legendary Sigourney Weaver and most of her co-stars got right back into their roles, this interview from IGN reports. Everyone may be looking a whole effing lot more haggard/facelifty than they did in 1979, and sound like the ol’ bastards they are, but that’s all moot. You can take the person out of the Alien, but you can’t take the Alien out of the person. It comes out of its own accord, and makes us all foul our undercrackers in disturbing mealtime scenes.

Here’s the game’s head creative dudely dude, Al Hope, explaining the process behind reuniting the original cast for the Nostromo-based DLC. Take a look.