Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Crisis Over: The New 3DS WILL Let You Get Your Portable Porn On After All

As we know, Nintendo effing love re-releasing their handhelds. Seeing that they were onto a damn good thing with the DS, they brought us the DS Lite, the DS XL, and the DSi. We didn’t even know what the ‘i’ meant, but these kinds of shenanigans have been keeping Asian businessmen in saki and expensive sensible haircuts for decades.

The key to this sort of BS is ensuring that there’s enough of a hook each time. A fancy-ass new feature or two, just enough to keep those sales going. In more extreme cases, some poor bastards will wind up with four of the same console before they know what the hell’s happened.

But what don’t you do? Remove functionality, that’s what. The PS3‘s loss of backwards compatibility was a kick in the scrote, but the New 3DS’s alleged loss of porn? That’s a step too far. We demand our piss-poor, tiny screen-ed nekkidness!

To explain this, the new model of the handheld has an odd little feature in Japan. Its internet browser restricts adult-orientated sites, pending payment of... fifty cents or so. A 30 yen credit card charge is required to remove this censor. Because, as Kotaku reports, little Jimmy won’t have a credit card, and so won’t be subjected to any 3D fisting or or anything else that may warp his mind.

But it’s all moot anyway, because you can get the goods in a roundabout way. It’s only the sites themselves, a quick google image search and you’ll be knee-deep in nudity.

‘Ryse: Son of Rome’ Hits PC, as Hack and Slashtastic as Ever (VIDEO)

Ryse Son of Rome PC
You can SMELL that 4k. Whatever that means.

Almost a year ago, Ryse: Son of Rome released with the Xbox One. In many ways, it was the quintessential launch game (sorry, no effer is ready for words like quintessential on a Monday morning, but that’s just the kind of renegade badasses we are). Which is to say, it’s damn pretty, entertaining enough, but a little lacking.

Ryse’s production values are as high as the damn Chrysler Building, there’s no doubt about that. It’s still among the sexiest-looking things the next gen consoles have brought us yet. So hold on to your asses, because it’s now coming at us on PC in 4k resolution. We don’t even know what in holy eff '4k resolution’ even means, that’s how impressive this is.

This is an old style hack and slash at heart, beefed up with a couple of fancy-ass combo counters and such on the side. It’s a festival of QTEs as well, with you hitting the prompts to perform all kinds of blood-leaky, gonad-stabby executions on your foes. If you enjoy the kind of leave-your-brain-at-the-door violence of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie (which you damn well should), this one’s for you.

It’s not short on spectacle, that’s for sure. Check out the PC edition above. It has all the drama, barbarians and fancy Roman helmets with those red flappy bits you could want on a Monday morning.

This ‘Bayonetta 2’ Launch Trailer Is Far Too Badass For Our Minds to Take on a Friday (VIDEO)

Bayonetta 2
She looks pissed. Again.

Nope, we don’t know what the eff’s going on here either. Sure is dramatic though.

For the uninitiated, Bayonetta 2 is a balls-out crazy action title from Platinum Games. It follows the adventure of the titular (make that very titular) sexy sorceress, whose goal in life is to wreck the shit out of everything with her bizarre feet-mounted guns. And if that’s not a cause worth getting behind, I don’t know what the hell is.

If you’re up on your gaming nerdly knowledge, you’ll know that Platinum also brought us Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. Its influence is plain to see in this one, with its fancy-ass score counters and general epilepsy-inducing light shows.

It’s odd to think that this is a Wii U exclusive, bereft of cutesy cartooniness and rainbows shining from everyone’s assholes as it is. But that’s the deal, and it’s great to see the console getting something a little heavier.

One of your witchy buddies being sucked into the gates of hell? We’d call that heavy. Take a look at this demented slice of violence in action above.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: The Scary-Ass Face Scan Fails of ‘NBA 2K15’

For almost two decades, Resident Evil has been giving us the freaking willies with its lumpen inhabitants. From the standard issue zombies to hideous mutato-freaks like Lisa Trevor and Nemesis, we’ve seen all kinds of horrors. When man-sized locusts are spitting acid at your face, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

But the Evil has nothing on this. Brr.

When PS4 and Xbox One were first announced, the PRtastic machine was on overdrive. You couldn’t move for buzzwords like ‘groundbreaking,’ ‘phenomenal’ or ‘revolutionary.’ Sometimes all three in the same damn sentence. We were hyped at 'til we could be hyped at no more, and many of us expected that the next generation would blow our balls off.

A year or so on from the consoles’ release, though, our gonads remain firmly and cynically attached. Whatever your thoughts of Sony and Microsoft’s new efforts, there’s one thing we can all agree on: we were promised uprecedented realism in our sports games, and this ghastly freak with a face inside his effing face is not that.

NBA 2K15 thought it was bringing us unparalelled realism by putting ourselves into the game, via some fancy new techtastic. Instead, this happened. Several times.

Image via @JCarpio.

The Weekly WTF: What the Eff is Your Deal, Pyramid Head?

In the survival horror genre, Resident Evil is the daddy. It may have died on its ass in recent installments, eschewing the horror for balls-out shooter ideals (there are more freaking bullets flying around than in the last half hour of Commando, right here), but that’s moot. These mofos practically invented the genre in 1996, and that’s good enough for us.

But there’s another old stalwart of shit-your-pants gaming, which has been lurking about almost as long. Konami’s Silent Hill is a more psychological affair, and its mascot antagonist, Pyramid Head, gives us all kinds of the willies. Let’s grab our spare undercrackers and meet him.
Read More » »

How’s ‘Alien: Isolation’ Working Out For You? Being Murdered Horribly? It’s Okay, So’s Everybody Else (VIDEO)

NSFW Sweariness warning!
Alien Isolation- Let's Players
This half-a-guy looks familiar.

And so Alien: Isolation is upon us. This little slice of survival horror made some ambitious PRtastic promises before release (y’know, an-Alien-game-that-isn’t-shit-for-once, that sort of thing), and now it’s time to deliver.

We were wary, and rightly so. Remember Aliens: Colonial Marines, and the terrible ballache it turned out to be? Of course you do. That’s the whole reason you have trust issues. We feel your pain, brother.

But fear not. While Isolation won’t set your eyes, ears and gonads alight with its pure glorious gaming goodness, it isn’t half bad. Reception has been modest to pretty great. It’s “...a taut, confident, and electrifying horror game that perfectly captures the essence of Ridley Scott's legendary film,” quoth PCGamer, and that’s some praise right there.

It’s also utterly brutal, and a real bitch. Youtube is awash with Let’s Play-ers getting impaled by furious xenomorphs, and it’s a sight to see. To get a taste, check out Kotaku’s Jim Sterling cruising through the Nostromo’s medical complex above. He’s “...terrified to even effing move,” apparently.

Hit the link for more Isolation gameplay videos, including from the much-ballyhooed PewDiePie.

Gah! Check Out the Creepy Smiley Dudes of ‘The Evil Within’ (VIDEO)

The Evil Within- Fight For Life
Someone's about to have a bad day.

Holy balls. We did not sign on for this.

Look at these bastards, with their dead eyes and vacant expressions. Whatever they’re planning, it’ll presumably end with someone’s colon on a stick, and we don’t want to be a part of it.

They look like those people in the dining room, in the only mildly disconcerting part of Insidious. Clowns, dolls, masks, general porcelain freaks... they’re thrice as likely to make us crap our undercrackers as any ridiculous ‘monster’ is, and The Evil Within knows it.

Not that we aren’t throwing effing everything into the melting pot at this point. Weird-ass doctors hacking out squelchy internal organs with merry abandon? Check. Zombie dudes with railroad spikes through their foreheads? Check. Elephant Man-esque oddities with extra tumor heads? You bet your ass that’s a check.

The trailer above gives us an intimate introduction to the game’s enemies, known collectively as ‘The Haunted.’ Then there’s a showcase of our crazy-ass antagonist, The Keeper, and the array of traps and such he’s placed around the environment to impale our scrotes. Charming man.

One thing’s for sure, this is looking like one of the most intense horror experiences to hit consoles in some time. Even the environment wants to kill you in the face.