Chris LittlechildWebsite

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Yep, Eight Player ‘Smash Bros.’ Really is Effing Crazy

Super Smash Bros. isn’t for the faint-hearted. Or those with motion sickness, or an aversion to freaking balls-out crazy. It’s not technically a fighting game, more of a party game with Mario punching Bowser in his big green gonads and suchlike.

A four-player match is pretty freaking ridiculous as it is. Free-for-alls always descend into chaos, particularly when items and special rules are in play. With Bob-ombs flying everywhere, a Final Smash or two and the speed increased, the crazy-ass is strong with this one.

But that’s just not enough for the mad, mad bastards at Nintendo. The upcoming Wii U installment is to double the frantic funtimes, with new eight player matches.

If you’ve gotten your Smash on previously, right about now you’ll be wondering how in holy hell this could possibly work. On hearing the announcement, my initial thought was ‘clustereff.’ Now that we can see it in action? Super ultra double clustereff confirmed.

Feast your bemused eyes on Kotaku’s footage right over here, a typical 8-man brawl on Yoshi’s Island. It’s nuts, even before the Metroid comes to suck some face.

Yep, ‘Mortal Kombat X’ is Pretty Damn Nasty; Just the Way we Like it (VIDEO)

Mortal Kombat X Fatalities
Ruh roh. This isn't going to end well.

What happened to the days when studly dudes would settle their disputes honorably? Over Europe way in the Middle Ages, nerdly knights had a thing called chivalry. This meant, sure, wreck each others’ shit if you must, but do it respectfully. Have a gentlemanly joust, and invite the loser over to your castle for cocktails and a game of croquet on the lawn if both of his legs are still on.

Sadly, the guys and gals of Mortal Kombat will have none of that. It’s much more fun to brandish an enemy’s still-beating heart, squeeze it and drink the resulting blood, like the mad, mad bastard you are.

Yep, here’s another slice of the upcoming Mortal Kombat X’s fatalities. This lil’ showcase features Scorpion, Kotal Kahn and Quan Chi. Spoiler: they’re all assholes.

We’d already seen Quan Chi’s charming new hypnotise-them-into-walking-eyeball-first-into-the-blade-of-your-sword move, but that’s just the tip of the uber-violent stabtacular iceberg. The franchise seems desperate to top even the last game’s gore, with faces being sliced right freaking off and the squelchy brain-meat beneath revealed in extreme close-up.

Throw in a few of those spangly new X-ray attacks, and you’ve got yourself a show.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Conan O’Brien Sucks Spectacularly at ‘Call of Duty- Advanced Warfare’ (VIDEO)

Whacked- Conan O'Brien Advanced Warfare
Minor campaign spoilers and a LOT of dumbassery.

Conan O’Brien has, as today’s young people call it, ‘1337 skills.’ They’d probably spell skills with a Z, like the untamed renegade badasses they are, but balls to that. When a gamer guru like Conan is on the case, there’s no time to be pernickety about spelling.

Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare hit stores this week, instantly becoming one of the biggest releases of recent months. Y’know, just by having ‘Call of Duty’ on the front of the box there. But is it the revolutionary entry the hype train promised? Does the franchise still have what it takes? There was only one man to ask.

Alas, that man (the one who would’ve known what the effing hell he was talking about) was off that day. But fear not, our ol’ buddy Conan’s here with another episode of Clueless Gamer.

This guy will not and cannot be stopped. Watch in awe as he defeats two --count ‘em-- useless grunts singlehanded, only wasting about five clips by shooting holy hell out of the sky, surrounding trees and a hapless milk carton in the process. Think on, evildoers, Conan’s coming for you. And once he’s determined whether those ominous laser sights in the distance are bad guys’ guns or innocent office dudes mid-Powerpoint presentation, he’s going to whup your ass.

The highlight of this episode? Get across the street!

Via Kotaku.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Deathsmiles’ and its Crazy-Ass Halloweentastic

If you’ve managed to briefly sober up in the last week or so, you’ll have noticed such trifles as the ‘days of the week’ and the ‘date.’ None of this BS matters much, but it does bear mentioning that Halloween has just passed.

And you know what Halloween means. Halloween specials, that’s what. Here’s one of our own, fashionably late. But hey, it works for reruns of The Simpsons. Those bastards show their Treehouse of Horror episodes in mid-July and ignore October 31 entirely. So hold on to your asses, here comes a Weekly WTF that’s creeptacular in more ways than one.
Read More » »

The Saga of the Atari Landfill, Part Five: Now You Can Buy This Horrible Crap On eBay

Somehow, this bizarre, pointless-ass story has been going on since April. Good news everyone! Here’s a fresh slice.

To get you up to speed, a huge crop of shit-tacular Atari games were unearthed in a New Mexico landfill seven months ago. It was long rumored that such a place existed, but it was finally discovered. This was where thousands of copies of E.T the Extra-terrestrial went to die (because there are some things even Satan doesn’t want clogging up his underworld u-bends).

Now they’re back with a freaking vengeance, like the toxic waste nobody knew was buried until the neighborhood children started growing extra legs and balls and such. There’s been a documentary and everything. The Atari Landfill is a big deal.

But once it’s excavated and such, you hit the snag. The snag that got all of these games buried in the first place: they’re wank. Nobody wants them. To play them, at any rate. As significant collectors’ items, it was only a matter of time before eBay got its greedy talons into this.

The Tularosa Basin Historical Society has started listing some of these ballaches, as Wired reports. Apparently, bidding for a crap-stained copy of E.T is at $400.

Well Damn, ‘Halo: The Master Chief Collection’ Has Achievements Out the Wazzoo

Achievements and trophies have become an integral part of modern game-ery. Almost as much as the dickish new cut-shit-out-of-the-game-and-sell-it-back-to-us-for-more-cashtacular-as-DLC trick publishers seem fond of. But we’ve never seen anything on this scale.

As we know, neither PS4 nor Xbox One have been setting our gonads alight in the exclusives department. That’s why a lot of us have been reluctant to join the next-gen festivities. Still, one game sure to get more than a few on board is Halo: The Master Chief Collection. A fancy-ass high def package of Halos 1-4? Why the eff not?

The collection boasts a frankly ridiculous crop of 450 achievements, Kotaku reported yesterday. That’s 4,500 gamerscore right there. Which, we can all agree, is a whole freakin’ lot of gamerscore. A new Xbox record, at that.

So what do you think? Is the chance to cruise through these re-prettified games gathering achievements-amundo worth buying an Xbox One for? Or just a rather sweet contributing factor? You can also just not be assed; that’s an option too.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Turok- Dinosaur Hunter

Maybe you thought the Doom Marine was the pinnacle of mantastic in gaming. Cruising straight into the mouth of hell armed only with a pistol and a furious scowl? That takes some mothereffin’ chutzpah, right there.

Well, angry-ass gonad biting eyeball demons are one thing, but dinosaurs? Those bastards, you don’t screw with. When you’re taking a dump, they’ll mozy straight on in through the toilet wall and chew on your face. These guys have no damn clue about acceptable social etiquette.
Read More » »