Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.
Yes indeed, this is a compilation of clips from Gears of War 3 launch events. Sweaty dudes standing in lines, explosions all over the effing place, questionable Gears tattoos, those shit tote bags everyone ever gives away with a cheap logo on… it has it all. It even has the legendary Big Sean, telling the world that he didn’t care how much he’d be paid for performing as long as he got a copy of the game for his troubles.
All in all, everything a Gears of War fan could want. But even so, we could also excuse them for wondering why in the name of balls Microsoft uploaded this clip last week. The third release, as you know, hit almost four years ago.
Thanks, Kotaku. Phrases like ‘blood spurted just right,’‘sinews snapped like meaty rubber bands’ and ‘fat didn’t burst so much as it parted itself… to let blades and bullets pass through’ are just the kinds of charming, tasty things we need to hear on a Monday morning.
Games, as we know, are not strangers to the whole uber-violence thing. Just ask any clueless old bastard in the media. They haven’t played anything since Pong in the seventies, but they know that video games are PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL. I like to picture these people as crotchety old British dudes, their monocles leaping from their faces and smashing to the floor in disgust like in cartoons.
But sometimes, they’re right on the money. check this mother out. Step back, Brutal Doom. The bar has been raised.
They aren’t known for their in-depth technical stuff over at the ‘taku, but their making of Killing Floor 2 feature is one to check out. It’s the story of ‘the most detailed, horror-movie-like gore system in video game history,’ and it’s amazing and a little disturbing the effort these guys went to in pursuit of that goal.
Lesser developers couldn’t have handled the high-def blood pouring from the many, many foes you’re mowing down. It would’ve effed the game’s performance right up. But these guys know Itchy and Scratchy levels of violence. Check out their inspired solution to the issue right here. And just check out the piece in general, because it’s pretty badass. Here’s an excerpt from Killing Floor 2 character designer Andrew Quintiliani:
“If you blow away the left half of the head, it’ll take out the skull. You can see that the Zed is missing a solid half of its head. And then if you look at it, you’ll see that there’s an accurate sinus system, brain cavity, and brain matter. Then you can see part of the throat, and if you blow off the jaw you can see back into the oesophagus. I tried to put a lot of detail into it. That’s what makes it look really disgusting. A lot of games just have generic meat chunks. That’s fine, we have a few of those too. But that’s on top of accurate muscle and sinew and bone explosions.”
Brain cavities? Oesophagi? I’m sold. I didn’t even know ‘bone explosions’ were a thing.
Yep, that Daniel Radcliffe. You may know him as that little magical wankpiece Harry Potter. I doubt you’d know him as anything else, really, unless you’ve seen him pretending to be a real boy with those craptastic fake sideburns in The Woman in Black.
Anywho, yes. Grand Theft Auto is a world of studly, manly men; hired muscle ten feet tall with arms the size of studio apartments, the better to conduct shady ‘business negotiations.’ So you’d be forgiven for thinking, why this little runt? And no, that isn’t a typo.
Fear not, gentlemen. As Destructoid reports, the movie in the making is a documentary about the making of GTA. For the uninitiated, here’s the skinny: ‘Radcliffe is in talks to play the part of Sam Houser, the co-founder and president at Rockstar Games. The film is apparently going to be focused at least in part on Rockstar Games feud with anti-videogame lawyer Jack Thompson.’
Thompson, as we know, has a long history of bitching about violence and all things sweartastic in the media. I imagined him as one of those fancy-ass old British guys in cartoons, whose monocles fall out in shock. Nothing’s confirmed yet, but after this story, I can only see him as a kind of anti-fun Voldemort.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the world of Grand Theft Auto has always been a pretty darn seedy place. This isn’t Dora the Explorer Cruises Over to Mexico and Flounces About Adorably. It’s all contract killings, drug running and the occasional yoga session. You’re criming it right up, right here, and there’s little let up in that regard.
There’s almost too much effing crime. Won’t somebody think of the children?
Anywho, yes. This is no place for morals. So you’d think that a little casual cheating among Grand Theft Auto V players wouldn’t be a big deal. But nope.
Rockstar, wacky buggers that they are, like to be a bit cheeky. They play games like Hide the Heists and Let’s Delay the PC Version Another Month or Two, Just to be Asses. So the fiery death they have in store for players cheating a single-player only car into GTA Online isn’t all that unexpected.
Now this is how you patch an exploit in hilarious style.
For much of the current gen console’s existence, we’ve been all, yo, dude, where our exclusives at? Well, those of us who are trying to look cool and a bit edgy and gangster-ish have, anyway. It’s a fair point (fo shizzle), because killer apps have been thin on the ground.
For many, the biggest, most ball-busting release PS4 has yet seen is Bloodborne. From the makers of the dastardly and bastardly Dark Souls and Demon’s Souls, this action RPG is as darkly gothic as it is freaking badass. And so are the what-the-shit-is-that enemies you’ll meet.
For the uninitiated, Bloodborne is set in the ruined city of Yharnam. This doomed place is rumored to be home to a great treasure, which brings travellers (greedy-ass ones, natch) from far and wide. On arriving, they find that Yharnam has been hit by a mysterious bloodborne –see what they did there?– illness, which has transformed the residents into… mutanty not-zombie things.
If there’s one thing the game does really, really freaking well, it’s atmosphere. The creepy, gothic setting and lore gives the whole thing a completely unique appeal. It’s like Edgar Allan Poe, H P Lovecraft and Tim Burton collaborated on a video game. Which should totally effing happen, even if the first two are already dead and it’s becoming ever more difficult to tell that the third isn’t yet.
It’s horror and the macabre in an ‘arty’ sort of way. Y’know, a huge full moon looming over a pan shot of a ruined castle, with werewolves cruising about, that sort of thing. In keeping with said fantasy-ish theme, there were all kinds of regular directions the enemies could have gone in. Zombies, weeny demons, vampires, that sort of business.
But screw that noise, Bloodborne decided. We’ve seen that shit before, and it sucked then. Instead, let’s wang in a whole monster medley of nightmares.
Do you remember the undead farm dude of MediEvil? With his ghostly, clichéd bumpkin ooh ahs and pitchfork-up-the-ass stabbings? Probably not, but that’s the sort of thing we’re talking here. From the early stages of the game, your hunter is attacked by not-quite-human horror movie rejects; mutated freaks sporting knives, hooks, Freddy Krueger claws, rather dapper Jack the Ripper trenchcoats and top hats… they aren’t anything especially new, as such, but you bet your balls they work well.
Their moans, howls, shrieks and snarls are the perfect backdrop to the dingy, dark domain of Yarnham. And they get worse, much worse. It’s a Castlevania style grab bag of horrors, with some particularly inspired designs among the bosses. At one point, a giant demon hound will crap lava on your face, and there’s really nothing more I can say than that. If that hasn’t sold this, I don’t know what will.
Check out IGN’s introduction to the beasts of Bloodborne below.
Okay, Mortal Kombat X, you have our effing attention already. The much ballyhooed brawler has been pumping out the hypetastic big style in the last few months, as we know. We’ve seen tantalizing snippets of gameplay, new fatalities, that fancy-ass character variant thing, all kinds of good stuff.
We’ve even seen the Predator, Jason Vorrhees and badass cowboy Erron Brown as playable characters. You can’t say fairer than that.
As the home stretch to release (April 14) approaches, there’s one angle that we haven’t really touched on yet: the mobile companion app. For a lot of players, natch, the whole mobile thing gets a giant middle finger, but they may be onto something with this.
Dicking about with touchscreens is another thing I can usually do without in games, but that was before I saw the tech used to slice off Sub-Zero’s actual goddamn face with a finger. Interactive fatalities are but one of Mortal Kombat X Mobile’s tricks, though. For more champions, cross-platform play and factions than you could shake a spinal cord at, check out IGN’s intro to the mobile app below.
You know how it is with video games. Bust size sliders, the jiggletacular uber-jiggle of fighters like Dead or Alive, female armor which essentially amounts to women running about in chainmail undercrackers… it can be tough for lady gamers.
But what of the guys too? Sometimes, we want to show off our ‘exposed back’ and ‘hiplines’ too, like the scandalous, scandalous bastards we are. Mevius Final Fantasy’s lead character Wal sure did.
The game will utilise Final Fantasy’s job system, which changes your characters’ clothing, abilities and such to suit the class you assign to them. The issue here was Wal’s Onion Knight outfit. At a recent Square Enix presentation, Destructoid reports, the company revealed that they had changed the costume, which was originally ‘…kind of sexy… a little too sexy.’
Talk of ‘rippling backs’ and ‘exposed flanks’ is far too much for us, natch, so let’s be thankful that this sick filth was dealt with before it got too far. Unless it wasn’t, as the game’s producer piss-takily added, ‘If enough people say they like those hiplines, then we might bring the original costume back.’