Chris Littlechild Website

Chris is a dedicated gamer and writer who is always looking to improve his skills in both areas. Having failed miserably to pick a major, his degree from the University of Hertfordshire combines English Literature, Creative Writing and History. (Oddly, it doesn’t even end there.) He lives in St Albans, but knows few people would ever have heard of such a place, so the nearby London is always a better answer. From the 'London'-based marshland nest he calls home, he writes gaming/humour/gaming humour articles and the occasional horror story, and benevolently attempts to befriend passing insects. As yet, none of them have been interested. He even offered a range of homemade baked confections to them once, to no avail.

Have a Limb-Loppin’ Good Time with ‘Severed’

Severed

Video games love doing the whole ‘bro-tacular power trip’ thing. Back in the days of Doom, studly dudes were descending into hell’s asshole armed only with a pistol and a manly scowl. This is a common theme among shooters, with Gears of War and Call of Duty and their ilk thrusting the stereotype into our faces.

But hey, let’s not deny it. That’s how we all are: mantastic manly man-beasts with gonads like cannonballs, who fear nothing and no one. We are all Arnold Schwarzenegger. But not in that shit Christmas film he was in. You know, one of the good ones; Predator or Commando or whichever.

Regardless of the genre of game we’re playing, we want the action to reflect our own badass lives. Don’t be deceived by Severed’s cutesy visuals, it’s doing just that.

‘Neath this rather sexy-looking 2D artistry, we’ve got a festival of limb-lopping violence to enjoy. It comes from the crazy, crazy bastards who brought us Guacamelee!, and it shows. This time, though, combat gets a little more visceral. ‘In Severed, you’ll hack up enemies and use their body parts to make you even stronger,’ quoth Destructoid. And how can you argue with that? Check it out below.

Is ‘Final Fantasy VII’ Being Remade at Last? Nope, Nuts to That

Final Fantasy VII

Damn it, Square Enix. A large portion of the world’s gamertastic almost shat themselves there. So close, yet so far.

Ah, Final Fantasy VII. You’re right up there in the Hall of Nerdly Fame, having your fancy-ass car valet-parked and trashing hotel rooms with the likes of Ocarina of Time and Metal Gear Solid. Sure, you might be one of those detractors who bitch about its overratedness, and why the hell not? Either way, it’s a big freaking deal, and that’s what matters.

For some time now, (some of) the world has been clamoring for a remake. There have been petitions, polls and all sorts of things. The more radical arm of Final Fantasy fandom has even broken into Square Enix’s HQ in the witching hour and shat on the desks in protest. But nothing doing.

Said zealous fans are going to be extra pissed at this. At the PlayStation Experience keynote this weekend, it was announced that Final Fantasy VII was coming to PS4. As… a direct port of the recent PC version. Huzzah!

Via Kotaku.

‘Resident Evil HD Remake’ Dated, Priced and Trailer-ed… Again

Resident Evil HD Remaster Dated

Capcom know when they’ve got something freaking awesome on their hands. And they know what to do with it too: pimp it out for our cashtacular, ‘til our cashtacular can be pimped no more.

If you piled up every Super, Ultra and Ultimate edition of the Street Fighter series, they’d certainly… well, pose a threat to low-flying aircraft. But what about one of the greatest things the company ever produced, 1996‘s Resident Evil? You’d better believe that’s been re-released, re-imagined and ported to oblivion and back.

It went portable with the DS’s Resident Evil: Deadly Silence (complete with piss-takey ‘Master of Knifing’ minigame; that was great stuff right there). It brought the poor camp little purple GameCube to breaking point with the visually sextastic REmake. Now it’s hitting our spangly new next-gen consoles, giving no effs that it’s coming up for twenty years old.

Today, Destructoid reported that the HD remaster will hit PS3, PS4, PC, Xbox 360 and Xbox One on January 20, for the bargain-tastic price of $19.99. To get our asses in the mood for some Evil, they also brought us the below teaser. Fans of that mothereffin’ door opening animation will love it.

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: ‘Christmas Shopper Simulator’ Tries to Out-Crap ‘Goat Simulator’

Whacked- Christmas Shopper Simulator

Christmas shopping, you’re an asspain. It’s like one long, festive Black Friday, with twinkly lights and jangly music.

You know how it is: your urchins have both demanded some fancy-ass robot thing that screeches, flashes and shoots missiles. Just the thing to soothe your holiday hangovers. Your better half has been heavily hinting about wanting something shelf-y or closet-y for the kitchen or bathroom or… whatever she was saying. They’ll be the kind of DIY projects that’ll keep you swearing through instructions printed only in Swahili until next Christmas, you can bet your balls on that.

As a gender, we aren’t great at the whole gift-buying thing at the best of times. The holidays just add an extra dose of ballache to it all.

Freakstorm Games feels our pain, and brings us the piss-takey PC release Christmas Shopper Simulator. We all know that Internet shopping in your undercrackers is cheating, so here’s all the fun of the mall: falling on your ass, knocking others onto their asses, looking at trees and turning left. It’s useless, it’s freaking weird but it’s intentionally awful, so that makes it okay. Check out the game in action after the jump.
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The Weekly WTF: The Horror of ‘Hey You, Pikachu!’

Hey You Pikachu

As we know, nobody pimps out their flagship franchises like Nintendo. Eventually, the world will notice that every Super Mario and Pokémon is the effing same, but until then these wily bastards will keep on raking in the cashtacular.

To that end, the stars of the show have been given cameo appearances and spin-offs-amundo. The less said about Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix and other such branded wank, the better.

But sometimes, they take it a step too far. They combine their love for dead horse flogging with their lust for craptacular plastic peripherals (the Balance Board, tennis racquet attachments, the Wii Wheel…). And when this happens, unholy ballaches like Hey You, Pikachu! are born.

This little oddity hit the N64 in 1998. It was one of a mighty two different games to work with the console’s weird voice recognition dealie. Remember that thing? The one that looked like some kind of futuristic sex toy attachment for the robo-whores of the year 3090? Well, here it is, powering one of the most bizarre Pokémon experiences ever made.

It’s a kind of puzzler crossed with a life sim crossed with a dose of what-the-eff-is-going-on-here. In short, it’s every child’s dream back in the nineties: a big ol’ 3D Pikachu as a pet, responding to your voice and dicking about adorably as only this thing can. That was the plan, anyway.

Sure, it heard, but it gave NO SHITS. As usual.

Sure, it heard, but it gave NO SHITS. As usual.

By ‘responding to your voice,’ I actually mean damn well ignoring your voice, like the stubborn little asshole he is. Originally, the game was only available in Japan, so naturally only Japanese speakers need apply. It did make it to North America in the year 2000, but didn’t damn well work here either. As Bulbapedia reports, the device was ‘calibrated for a higher-pitched child’s voice,’ but even those whose balls hadn’t dropped had difficulty making themselves understood.

Without helium or a voice like Joe Pasquale, Hey You, Pikachu! was a festival of crap.

Even when you could get it to work (which you freaking couldn’t), the gameplay rates pretty highly on the balls-o-meter. It’s a series of minigames with the mascot of the ‘mon, based around a schedule of themed days. Discovery Days, Play Days and Daring Days. By interacting with the little dude enough, you earn its trust and it moves in with you.

But screw that. If I wanted to live with an obnoxious ass who completely ignores everything I say, I’d still be married.

More Barry-Based Badassery Hitting ‘Resident Evil Revelations 2’ Soon

Resident Evil Revelations 2 Barry Trailer

As we’ve seen, the Evil is doing things a little differently with this outing. Resident Evil Revelations 2 is going to be available in downloadable ‘episodes,’ the first of which is dropping February 17 2015.

We’ve seen Claire Redfield’s return, Moira Burton’s debut and more dingy hallways than you could shake your wang at. All of this business has been trailer-ized at our faces before. But what did we really need to get us on board? This, that’s what.

Barry mothereffin’ Burton. The man who strides dudetastically around, fearing nothing and no-one. His shit ginger beard aquiver, this guy was the true star of the original game. Nobody makes Jill sandwiches and hopes it isn’t Chris’s blood like Barry. He has become somewhat of a series legend, making only brief cameo appearances since 1998. So hold on to your butts, because he’s back.

Big Bazza is back in town searching for his daughter, Moira; kidnapped and presumed chewed on by the undead (along with Claire). It’s a shitstorm of a situation, as always, and there’s only one man for the job. Well, there’s only one now that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s getting a little old for this sort of crap. Check out the new Barry-flavored trailer:

The Sims Meets Psycho: ‘The Sims 4’ Gets Creepy-Ass Serial Killer Mod… Kinda

The Sims Blood Mod

The Sims. The freaking Sims of all things. Usually, these tiny dudes and dudettes live out perfectly harmless, happy, meaningless-gibberish-spouting lives. Well, generally. Depending on the player, they might lose their job/spouse/collapse from hunger/shit themselves and pass out drunk on the rug.

But what they won’t do is hideously murder each other in the face. For that, you’ll need to enter the mad, mad world of modding.

Previously, we saw The Sims 4‘s nekkid mods; some poor bastards’ quest to get Sim-lady areolas just right. That was already damn creepy enough. Today, the Simtastic brings us a whole new kind of creepy weirdery. It’s like a Halloween joke, but one that’s being made in December and so making us a little uncomfortable with its blood-dripping creepiness.

Yup. I’ve no idea why this is a thing, but behold. While creating your Sims, you can now choose to add all kinds of ghastly-ass blood effects to them. Look at this dude, for instance, with bloodstains all over his hands like Lady Macbeth without the metaphor. If this sort of thing is your bag, there are bloody eyeballs and other such charming options besides.

Hit Kotaku for more on this.