Swimsuits

Claudia Romani, The Italian Flag Swimsuit, and One Fine Thumper

I’m beginning to think Claudia Romani and her perfectly plump behind and I are getting somewhere. I received these photos in my mailbox I believe to be sent by Claudia’s hind-side in order to tease me into some kind of lasting proposal. It’s definitely working. I can barely move a muscle while my eyes are trained on the boot of this wicked wanton brunette from The Boot. I become paralyzed with thoughts of gentle spankings and all-over-loofah butt washes. Truly these are the happiest thoughts of my daily existence.

Someday, when society’s laws have caught up to the primal lust shared between myself and Claudia Romani’s killer tush, we shall become united as one with lots of candles and cheers and cheap booze we’re pretending isn’t so cheap. I shall wait for that day here in my Chair of Patience. But not much longer I hope. I can’t stand it. Stupid chair isn’t working. Enjoy.

Chrissy Teigen Cleavetastic Swimsuit Madness for Esquire

Chrissy Teigen kind of owns the world at the moment. SI covers, music artist husband, drunk ball tossing at Dodgers games. And, now this. One wicked hot spread for Esquire magazine that features our belusted Eurasian model in all kinds of glowing boobtastic and alluring outdoor swimsuit poses.

I’m not sure if Chrissy’s funbags are getting bigger or that’s just a trick of the camera or wardrobe or my ever imagining mind, but they certainly have a hold of me like a seal being taken down by a Great White. I can even feel her teeth. Chrissy, you are peaking at just the right time. That time is now. Enjoy.

Carmen Electra Swimsuit Crazy Sextastic in Galore

I really do lust Carmen Electra. Since meeting her in person and her telling me sex is much better at 40 than 20 I’ve been completely smitten. It’s like she scanned my brain for its deepest darkest fantasy and just announced she was totally into that. I almost cried. Now I’m ready to shed a tear again seeing Carmen crazy body hot in these swimsuit photos for Galore magazine. Carmen isn’t just a veteran hottie, she’s a woman who knows just how damn alluring she is and absolutely loves it.

Oh, sure, I’m not immune to the charms of a young lovely coming up in the sextastic world. But give me a woman who knows what she wants and exactly how to get it done any day. I mean, she has to be semi-delusional enough to want me to help her get there, but wisdom and confidence sure is hot on a woman. Enjoy.

Charlize Theron Swimsuit Jet Skiing Veteran Hottie Goodness in Miami

Talk about your sirens of the sea. And I do often talk about them myself. Charlize Theron continued shooting for something important I’m sure along the beach in Miami in various swimsuit wardrobe changes. Her favorite being her ride atop a Jet Ski as that’s how I imagine she show’s up at my lagoon front abode ready to throw me down on the ground and force me to do things my mother always told me would make me an indecent fellow.

Charlize Theron looks like a super fun gal who keeps herself in incredible shape. I can’t believe her current choice of boyfriends, but then I never really do. I’m here for you, Charlize. Bring a few of those tight swimsuits and an open mind and Im prepared to show you the best three to five minutes of your life. Enjoy.

Katherine Webb Swimsuit Pictures Depict a Beauty Queen Who Doesn’t Need the Heavy SI Airbrush to Be Wet and Hot

While Sports Illustrated continues to keep their bounty of swimsuit photos behind a wall of Photoshop, the public is demanding to know whether or not the beauties featured on the pages of SI are candid hotties, or just the beneficiaries of wonderful lighting and photo-retouching with extreme halo effects.

Well, we can say with some certainty this morning that fast-rising sextastic star and former Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb, looks mighty fine au natural in her swimsuit. Well, okay, not all parts are au natural I suppose, but the pictures certainly are of the Souther belle practicing on the set of one of the new inane celebrity diving reality shows about to crap onto the nation’s airwaves. But, like most super craptastic TV programs, celebrity diving does have its silver lining, and you’re looking at her right now in all her cleavetastic and hot bodied glory.

Yes, Katherine Webb passes the candid hotness test with flying colors and other such excited pageantry bits popping up indiscreetly on the part of her admirers. Enjoy.

Christina Milian Busting Out of Her Swimsuit in Miami (Curves Must Breathe!)

Sometimes, a body just needs to breathe, to break free from its constraints of man-made cloth, and when your body contains top and bottom parts in full curvaceous form such as Christina Milian, well, they’re going to bust out of most clothing joints, as happened to Christina over the weekend in Miami, wherein her inflated-til-full melons and bottomside twin sisters could barely contain themselves inside a swimsuit that really had very little chance of playing chaperone to all that body party.

We’re not exactly sure what Christina Milian saw in the mirror at the store when she tried this swimsuit on, but if she saw what we’re seeing and still went with it out on the public beach, well ,bravo! Enjoy.

Sofia Vergara Cleavetastic Swimsuit Photos Leave Us Feeling Tingly in Our Miami Regions

Oh, Sofia Vergara, how do I lust thee, let me count the ways. Hmm, only got to two before it was time to lay down the plastic mats lest we have a complicated explanation for the carpet cleaning crew, and those first two reasons, among others, were very much on display as the wicked hot Modern Family star showed off her fine 40-year old Colombian form on the beach in Miami.

Amid reports of a tumultuous spat-filled New Year’s Eve with her new fiance and long time boyfriend, Some Rich Dude in Florida, Sofia appears to be handling the domestic disturbance by doing what hot girls do best in times of trouble, strapping on something form fitting and low cut and hitting the beach. It’s a solution for every problem, including our problem of never getting to see enough Sofia Vergara.

You may recall that one of my 2013 New Year’s resolutions is to bed this amazingly hot Latina thespianic. While the high street bookmakers have those odds currently pegged at a thousand to none, the very inspiration of Sofia flashing her sweet body cleave so early in the year simply triples my resolve to know well the territories of Vergara land and thusly plant the Egotastic! flag. Enjoy.