All kidding aside, Kim Kardashian is about to have her first unwed baby, a major point of pride in the Kardashian household. And time to celebrate. So the sisters three and their puppet master mother got together and threw the biggest, brashest, most expensive baby shower ever. And maybe somebody sort of kind of filmed it all for television to pay for it and then some. Still, ever so magical, including the stunning announcement that the baby is a girl. Not so stunning really since there’s a 50-percent chance it’s a girl, and that’s even before the maniacal K’s spun that sperm into a high chance of female offspring.
Still, baby showers mean girls in pretty dresses, and while Kim wanted to be the swollen belle of her own ball, a couple hotties did make their way into the party. Most notably, Grecian goddess Maria Menounos showing off just a nice hint of cleavage, and a shoutout to veteran Pussycat Doll founder and dancer, Robin Antin, who nearly 20-years later is still looking mighty well-shaped. I bet the party itself was amazing. Sadly, no boys were allowed so I did not receive my music box invitation. Enjoy.
I suppose if they were Olympic gymnasts, they’d be late bloomers at mid-teens, but somehow we hold these years sacrosanct here in the U.S. as a continued age of innocence, even if mom and manager and reigning Botox injected Guinness Book world record holder Kris Jenner is ready to pimp the shizz out of her teen daughters, Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner, somehow the public is supposed to pretend this isn’t going on. Well, guess what? Outside of furry cosplay with the Pinay girls down the hall, Egotastic! does not play pretend games. So we’re showing the teen models slash actresses slash merchandisers with the long legs and the everything else that is going to get some people in this world a whole bunch of money and another whole bunch of people in big trouble and then probably leave the girls largely illiterate and told by some shrink that it’s okay to be angry at their mom for robbing them of their youth.
But, hey, in the meantime, we got the Jenner sisters looking like they’re almost this close to taking over from their older sisters in terms of sutffing the Kardashian family wallet full of the greenbacks that fuels them like so many sacrificial virgins to the Moon God. The girls were caught leaving some celeb party or another at Casa Del Mar in Santa Monica, never shy about showing off their legs, I’m not even sure they own anything that goes more than a couple inches down beneath their butts, and let’s just say the girls are turning into women rather quickly. We shant be parsing our language much longer as this teen charade will soon be ended and Kris Jenner fully unbridles the next gen of capitalism among her offspring. Enjoy.
Breaking from our friends at TMZ, the Kardashians up and signed the biggest deal in reality TV history today with E! Television.
For the record, that $40M is just the base. It does not include the bazillion dollars in endorsement deals, promotional contracts, super Sears pimping, and, of course, fellatio related revenue. Also, the deal includes catering and meals for Khloe, which reduces the the family expenses by something in the neighborhood of $3 million a year, depending on the market price of hay cubes.
Would you let Ray J pee on you for $40 million smackeroos? Why, of course you would. Dignity goes out the door once the word ‘million’ gets floated in the conversation. We’re all whores, we just have different price tags.
We remain quite convinced that Kendall Jenner bears the future of the Kardashian money making franchise on her back. Let’s face it, Kourtney keeps popping out illegitimate kids with her even more illegitimately straight boyfriend, Kim is eventually going to look like all women do who sleep their way through athletes and rappers, and Khloe, well, she’s just Khloe. Kendall Jenner, the taller, sleeker, hotter young Kardashian merchandising mob family member is going to carry a greater and greater financial share burden on her shoulders as she moves through her prime earning years, starting now.
From the looks of her struts in the Big Apple yesterday, Kendall seems ready for the promotion to top dawg, the tutto di tutti hottie from the family of pimpstresses, ready to push anything and everything provided traffic on greenback highway remains steady. It’s like watching a great young athlete ascend to the big leagues or a genius artist with his products getting first public attention, only, you know, with the sole skills of being pretty and walking with your back straight. Enjoy.
The Kardashian clan visited church for Easter Sunday, collected their standard appearance fee from the parish priest (time and a half on Sundays), and spent twenty minutes kneeling for the first time in a long time without somebody above them groaning and promising them another spinoff reality series.
And the only real surprise? No lightning. Somebody upstairs missed an opportunity.
Could it be that the recently revealed to be $65 million dollar annual haul by the Kardashian mafia is in part built on the backs of underaged laborers in prison-like factories in China?
According to our friends at RadarOnline, America’s first family of reality craptastic and foragers of all things greenback related, are employing more than dubious forms of laborto manufacture the shoddy merch they peddle to millions of the female gender who believe that IQ is a name of a new mall store they just have to check out.
“If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes. If you’re not highly specialized, you cannot even go to bathroom.
“Security guards watch over the workers and they are stripped searched every time they leave the factory, while cameras watch over the workers every move.
Okay, we took a little heat last week when we suggested that Kris Jenner ordered the impregnation of Kourtney Kardashian to shift attention away from the muckraking scandal surrounding Kim Kardashian and her divorce slash annulment slash financial scheming. We have absolutely no evidence to support this claim, but you know it certainly sounds plausible.
You simply can not stop this cash generating family corporation or slow down its financial engines. The sisters three (well, three and a half technically if you’re counting Khloe Kardashian by nomadic Arabic horse trading rules) took to the pages of Glamour magazine’s upcoming edition to let the world know they are doing just fine and most definitely open for business. The pictorial also gave somebody in Glamour’s airbrushing department the assignment of the year, but that’s another matter. What’s most important this time of year is family, and through thick and thin, weddings and divorces, pregnancies and the opposite of pregnancies, these girls stick together. So original gangsta. Enjoy.