CELEBRITY

Mexico Seems Nice, Part 79

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Lex Jurgen - September 24, 2015

Like the human body, the U.S. has a shithole to its South. The new extracurricular activity in Mexico is for drug cartel workers to spend their off days kidnapping men, women, and children who might have relatives in the U.S. with more disposable cash than the $372 average annual income of the locals. Ali Landry, the smoking hot Dorito's Girl in the 1998 Super Bowl commercial, had her father-in-law and brother-in-law kidnapped by some entrepreneurs down Mexico way. They called her Mexican born filmmaker husband, Alejandro Gómez Monteverde, and demanded ransom. They wanted enough money to live like kings forever in Mexico, or ten grand, whichever was higher, in exchange for the release of his brother and father who ran a restaurant together in Tampico.

Monteverde and Landry paid the kidnappers who promptly took the money and ran, but not before killing his brother and father. It's Mexico. A kidnapping rep doesn't get you nearly as far as a stone cold killer resume. Stories like these might shift that numbers higher on that big ass Trump Wall business. A wall won't stop the kidnappings and murders, but we can start saying shit like, 'That's what they get for living outside the wall.". Use adobe to be culturally sensitive. Cover it with soccer player reliefs. Maybe get Fanta to sponsor. When they see it going up, the Mexicans are going to have to admit they had it coming.

Photo credit: Instagram

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