Gaming

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Black & White

News | January 13, 2015, 10:12 am

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Black & White

It’s kind of a gray area, right here. How far back must a game go to be deemed retro? Is 2001 distant enough to qualify? Well, when you’ve got a badass renegade mothereffer like me typing words at your face, yes. Yes it can. Fourteen years is a pretty damn long time, after all. Ol’ Justin... Read More

Three Minutes With One of the Most Craptacular Games in the Universe

News | January 12, 2015, 11:47 am

Three Minutes With One of the Most Craptacular Games in the Universe

Now, I don’t know why speedruns are a thing. It’s another way to swing your big ol’ gaming e-peen around, and perhaps get yourself a world record too; that’s probably enough for the nerdly faithful. Said nerdly faithful have surely had their super-thick spectacles glued to Awesome Games... Read More

Have a Face-Stabbin' Good Time as a Zombie in 'Dying Light'

News | January 12, 2015, 10:26 am

Have a Face-Stabbin' Good Time as a Zombie in 'Dying Light'

Zombies are, let’s be frank, kind of bastards. Have you ever met a zombie you liked? Presumably not. They’re all about the moaning, the braaaaaains-ing, the breaking-down-flimsy-barricades-to-feast-on-the-screeching-mortals-within-ing and face-chewing. Because of these guys, you can’t ever... Read More

January's PS Plus Offers are Sponsored by the Mantastic Duke Nukem

News | January 9, 2015, 11:59 am

January's PS Plus Offers are Sponsored by the Mantastic Duke Nukem

So the holiday festivities are over. That ball-busting New Years hangover you had has finally eased, and it’s back to work for us all. I hope ol’ Santa treated you well, Ego-friends. If he didn’t (and frankly, he can be a bit of a bastard, I’ve been asking for that jet pack since 1998),... Read More

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: PlayStation is No Longer the King of Porn

News | January 9, 2015, 10:15 am

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: PlayStation is No Longer the King of Porn

Damn it, Sony. We were fine with you giving the Vita the middle finger, and leaving it to die a slow and useless death. You did it stealthily, first just pretending not to hear our pleas for, y’know, a game or two on this thing please? Now, you’ve abandoned the pretense entirely and erased it... Read More

‘Assassin’s Creed: Unity’ DLC Has No Freaking Time For Kings

News | January 7, 2015, 11:43 am

‘Assassin’s Creed: Unity’ DLC Has No Freaking Time For Kings

You’ve got to hand it to Ubisoft. These renegade badasses give no effs. They’re cruising through the gates of hell on grandma’s mobility scooter, fearing nothing and no-one. If they want to give their DLC a tediously appropriate name, they’re going to unapologetically do so. And what... Read More

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Vagrant Story

News | January 6, 2015, 10:03 am

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Vagrant Story

Around these parts, the vagrant-related stories aren’t all that interesting. That drunk hobo outside Egotastic Towers exposed himself to me again as I came into work this morning. That’s a hairy wang, right there. Y’know, that sort of thing. Just the kind of everyday stuff that isn’t worth... Read More

The Biggest, Badassiest PS4 Exclusives of 2015, For Your Viewing Pleasure

News | January 5, 2015, 11:42 am

The Biggest, Badassiest PS4 Exclusives of 2015, For Your Viewing Pleasure

If you’re familiar with all things gametastic, you’ve surely heard some of the snark surrounding the next-gen systems. There are many gamers still on the fence regarding Xbox One and PS4, what with the where are the mothereffin’ games cries and all. Both systems released without a true,... Read More

Meanwhile, in ‘Mortal Kombat X,’ Kung Lao Has Appeared

News | January 5, 2015, 9:39 am

Meanwhile, in ‘Mortal Kombat X,’ Kung Lao Has Appeared

Damn, Kung Lao. You look like hell. The years haven’t been kind. Veteran Mortal Kombat-ers will remember this guy, the most badass hat-decapitator since Oddjob. He’s been getting his deadly Chinese martial arts on since 1993‘s Mortal Kombat II, and has become integral to the series’ ensemble... Read More

Boobs! And Amiibos! But Mostly, the Boobs

News | January 2, 2015, 12:56 pm

Boobs! And Amiibos! But Mostly, the Boobs

Do you know what in holy hell an Amiibo is? If not, you aren’t down with the kids. You aren’t cool. You’re doomed to be that dad who’s always mocked by his kids’ friends, humming along to your Elvis records on the gramophone and playing bingo with the other octogenarians. Get your shit... Read More

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: If ‘The Sims’ Made Porn

News | January 2, 2015, 9:06 am

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: If ‘The Sims’ Made Porn

Video games don’t do the whole sex thing very well. Remember ol’ General George’s huge pixelated erection in Custer’s Revenge? That business with the top-heavy Native American woman tied to the cactus? Only the horniest horn-dog could find that sexy. That was back in 1982, and the situation... Read More

The Weekly WTF: Throwing a ‘Bachelor Party,’ Atari Style

News | January 1, 2015, 10:43 am

The Weekly WTF: Throwing a ‘Bachelor Party,’ Atari Style

You know the concept ‘so bad, it’s good?’ This is what makes Ed Wood’s ball-achingly bad Plan 9 From Outer Space a cult classic movie. Presumably, it’s also the reason that people keep buying freaking Bieber albums. This does not apply to sexiness. Mrs. Popplecrump, my elderly math... Read More