Candice Swanepoel

Candice Swanepoel Teasy Covered Topless Lingerie Spread Seals Her Seat at the Head of the V.S. Table

I would shank any one of you in the shower for a chance to spend five minutes in the broom closet with any one of the Victoria's Secret roster of lingerie hotties. But I'd probably take out my own mom if the prize were some alone time with Candice Swanepoel. I'm sorry, mom, but you didn't raise no fool.

My lust for all things Candice has been steady, continuous, and non-stop for several years now. I'm not sure anybody on this planet wears, or doesn't wear, a bra and panties quite as smoothly and effectively as Candice. Even the Russian judges are scoring her perfect 10's. How can you not? That's rhetorical. You can mock my sports teams and my questionable choice of Target wardrobe, but if you ever criticize Candice in front of me, you're going to have to watch me cry. You do not want that, my friend. Trust me. Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel Bikini Photoshoots Just Like a Pro

You don't get much more top of your bikini game than Candice Swanepoel. The ridiculously hot Angel was on the beach in Miami shooting another one of her alluring and pimped out bikini catalog spreads and looking every inch (and I've looked at all the inches) the consummate hot-bodied professional.

While I would like to take Candice away to my cabin in the woods for a week of eating nothing but high-caloric pies and various pieces of human anatomy, she still carries off the slender model look with genuine passion inducement. Slender, but not so skinny that my dad will make his old joke about her getting broke in half on her wedding night when I bring her home to meet the folks. You're look alright to me, Candice. Let us know commence with the sex, shall we? Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel Topless Cowgirl for Mario Testino Shoot in Vogue

 

Well, damn if Mario Testino didn't get to shoot Miley Cyrus topless first for Vogue Germany, then follow up immediately thereafter with our Lady of Candice Swanepoel topless as a cowgirl for the same publication. Talk about your walking talking and gawking fantasy visions. The uber-sextastic Candice Swanepoel with her precious pair bare and nipple-ready beneath a cowboy hat.

And who happens to be joining her in a couple of these photos? Only my future wife Edita Vilkeviciute. This one dropped straight down from heaven without passing Go. Though I am more than willing to pay $200 if Candice removes everything but the cowboy hat. Damn! Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel Legs Are Where the Fun Begins

Hey, you. Yes, you, the guy who's been staring at the lovely chest and tight booty and blessedly taut tummy of Candice Swanepoel for several years now. What about her perfectly toned model legs? Hath thou forsaken thy Swanepoel stems?

Well, no longer, as Candice's sextastic long legs were on full display as she walked in a fashion show in New York. Any legman knows that lust begins at the feet and works its way up to the E-ticket rides, not the other way around. What's the point of an adventure without a tantalizing trek along the calf and thigh trails? That's rhetorical. I don't have time for real questions when Candice is strutting her stuff on the runway. All eyes forward and gam leering. Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel and Karlie Kloss Celebrate Bombshell Day In Front of Bras and Panties

If you're going to make up a holiday called Bombshell Day, you've got to come up with the bombshells to come give the day some meaning. I'll say this for Victoria's Secret, they deliver on their trumped up holidays. Candice Swanepoel and Karlie Kloss definitely rise to the level of top notch lingerie pimping talent. Two extremely good looking ladies all decked out and hanging out at the Victoria's Secret store in Manhattan to remind people that you have but a few shopping days left until Valentine's Day.

As sextastic and fine as Candice and Karlie are, I hope you will heed Uncle Bill's warning not to purchase lingerie for your girl for the 14th of February. I understand the temptation. But the risk-reward is way too high. I'm not talking out of my ass (though, that would be a neat party trick). Learn from my mistakes. Go teddy bear, flowers, nice restaurant, whatever is easily and recognizably appreciated without body issues brought into the mix. On Valentine's night, you want the lamp going off with a giggle, not going off in a crash against your cranium. Stick to the plan, my good men. Do not let the Sirens of sultry lingerie goodness divert you down the path of classic misstep. Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel Closes Out January With Bikini Excellence

Oh, that delicious whale tail on Candice Swanepoel signals the final bikini of January on Egotastic! What better way to close out one of the better bikini months of the year than with the uber-sextastic South African flashing her heavenly beach body in skimpy two piece suits for Victoria's Secret.

Candice doesn't put on bikinis, she holds them up and her body grows perfectly inside of them. It's like some of the most sextastic voodoo around. There's no other explanation for how perfect her wicked hot booty and tanned female form fit into those little pieces of spandex and nylon. I really need to open an investigation into this matter. Maybe get a grant. That's the ticket. Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel Swanking Sextastic Nipple Slip for Vogue

I happen to like Candice Swanepoel. You may not think she's super fine, but I sure do. I see past the perfect body, the long blonde hair, the killer looks to the women on the inside. Well, at least inside her top where her perfect perky pair lay almost exposed and her heavenly nipple appearing in this new pictorial for Vogue magazine.

I can't help but feel that Candice Swanepoel and I have had a love affair for the past several years. She may not know it, or feel it, or be aware of it outside of the legal protection she seeks from me entering the same nation as her at any given time. Still, it feels very real to me. I'm happy with my choice. Not all stalkers can say that about the women they futilely chase year after year. Enjoy.