Wow, well the Oscars are over, finally; the only thing more overworked than James Franco's medical marijuana card was the mind numbing repertoire of phony humble speeches pooped upon the world by people whose parents were way too kind to them as children. I'm glad my own heads of household told me each evening at bedtime how I would never amount to much; now, when my Lotto scratcher pays off $5, I'm truly and thoroughly excited. Nevertheless, like most guys, I watch the Academy Awards dutifully each year to see which actresses looked hot and to pretend that they were my sharp looking date to the Sizzler. This year's crop of sextastic celebrities was relatively thin, I think it has something to do with the economy or gas prices or Oprah getting fat again, but there just wasn't a bevvy of hot actresses, certainly not to make any all-time lists. Still, there were standouts in bazillion dollar get-ups, looking mighty fine, and, in no particular order...
Freshly single ScarJo looked as hot as she could given the constraints of having to wear clothes. There's all kinds of see-through going on with what I'm sure was a dress that cost more than my
monthly annual lifetime paycheck. Revenge is a dish best served super hot, Mr. Ex-Husband.
Yep, despite being pregnant by a ballerina named after my favorite video arcade game, I can't stop dreaming of Natalie and her newly blossoming bosom.
Speaking of tripping the post-pregger lights boobtastic, Penelope Cruz, was showing off her big mama guns on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. Leche con hottie, anyone?
Okay, this is mostly for Cousin Jonathan who would die just to smell Reese's gym towels (seriously, just ask the security staff at The Sports Club/LA). Still, Reese does keep herself pert and perty whether in her daily stretch pants jogs or decked out on the world's most watched red carpet.
Damn, all the MILFs are killing me tonight. This Brazilian model hottie mostly just makes me hate Matthew McConaughey.
Am I the only one noticing the transformatus sextastique taking place with this former American Idol? Dang diggity dang. Just a tremendous renaissance of hotness with the perfectly placed bosom this evening.
She's hot. Everybody knows she's hot. The only complaint I ever hear is people who think she's overrated as an actress. Oh, yeah? You spend eleven years pretending Tom Cruise is straight without so much as cracking a smile.
Black swan. White swan. I don't even remember. But I do know she is no longer dating the boy from Home Alone, she's a super Hebrew School hottie, and I'd definitely like to know what she's not wearing to the Oscars.
Winter's Bone at full mast, my friends. Dang, this newcomer is just about stealing the hotness show in bright red on the red carpet. I can't wait to see more of her, so much more.
She really has been stealing the award season spotlight this year. Even forgetting her being yet another new baby mama recovering super hottie, Amy Adams just looks ridiculously fine every time she steps out into the spotlight.
She did look a bit too much like the girl who snuck into her mom's makeup drawer and went nuts, still, she was the hostess who had to suffer an evening long partnership with Dr. Stiffy Smiles, and on the off-chance someday Anne appears in my bed in her Love and Other Drugs guise, well, not only will I not kick her out, I will blare the trumpets and speed dial an off-duty Sears photographer.
Okay, so, singing ain't her strong suit. And, maybe, she's not the hottest tool in the tool shed any longer, but give props where it's due. Going braless in sheer gold in front of a billion people? That takes some lady cajones.