Uwe Boll’s Craptastic Video Game Adaptions Are No More

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chris-littlechild - October 28, 2016

  I… I’m just speechless. I didn’t see this blow coming. I was not ready for this today.  

This is a sad, sad day for cinema. Sadder than the loss of a much-loved Tinsel Town actor, sadder than the fateful day that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp finally stop making damn films together. Today, gentlemen, is a more tragic day than any of those. For this is the day that Uwe Boll stops subjecting us to his utterly, mind-shatteringly shit-tastic video game adaptions.

Yes indeed. If you’re not familiar with the CV of Uwe ‘Boll-ocks’ Boll, just know that the Austrian director is responsible for some of the worst cinematic ballaches out there. His specialty (or rather, the opposite, whatever the word for that is) is movie adaptions of video games, with the likes of Alone in the Dark, Postal and BloodRayne to his name.

Boll is best known for his it’s-everyone’s-fault-but-mine attitude to the critics taking steaming dumps on his work, and for being a petulant asshole when they do. Now, having been crapped on one too many times, our ol’ buddy Uwe has decided it’s time to stop making movies.

“The market is dead,” he told Metro News. “You don’t make any money anymore on movies because the DVD and Blu Ray market worldwide has dropped 80 per cent in the last three years. That is the real reason; I just cannot afford to make movies.”

So there it is. We’ll have to find another outlet for our piss-takery. For more of Boll-ock’s tale of woe, hit the interview.

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