CELEBRITY

Angeline Jolie Martyrs Like No Other

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Lex Jurgen - July 27, 2017

Hollywood loves to dole itself out awards. Save for the most honest categories. Like biggest martyr. Literally everybody's in contention. But Angelina Jolie likely slides in for the win.

Jolie has another sacrificial lamb piece in Vanity Fair where she's interviewed about overcoming her life in turmoil. It's softball. Like asking Hawking about black holes. Comfort zone. Jolie may be a shitty director, but she knows how to spin her own life's tale into something approaching the dramatically morose female victims in her movies nobody watches. 

Jolie's current woe-is-me script runs heavy on her devastating divorce from Brad Pitt, how she's struggling to keep the kids from turning to teen nude modeling as she did when her own parents split up, and how it's all affecting her health, but that's not important. 

“Sometimes women in families put themselves last, until it manifests itself in their own health.”

Jolie's referring to what she claims is Bell's Palsy, in which hypertension causes one side of your face to droop. Or where your face used to be before extensive plastic surgery. Another offshoot of her caring so much for others, so little for herself.

Jolie describes her painful breakup with Pitt for which she has no time for self-pity. Other than this Vanity Fair cover story and the six previous articles on the subject. Plus whatever she leaked to the press and that time she called the FBI to report her husband being violent with the kids. That must've almost made this article.

If you can imagine, after Jolie lopped off her breasts to prevent potential future cancer and extracted her ovaries with a Jack-o-Lantern kit, Pitt no longer wanted to cuddle. You can see how in any way resembling a Jolie appendage at that point might seem dangerous. That and having to pretend you love her shitty movies. Telling your chick you love her art work is something you do to get laid. When that's off the table, you've got a murmur at best.

Pitt's not a strong man. He snapped. Jolie had to keep it all together. That's just what she does. Like Daniel Pearl's wife or this Cambodian Killing Fields chick in her latest movie.

Jolie wants her hero's journey to match the characters she plays in her own movies. Not the characters she plays in other people's movies where she's sexy and hot and adventurous and everybody goes to see them. That might make her inviting.

“It’s just been the hardest time, and we’re just kind of coming up for air. We’re all trying to do our best to heal our family.”

Sure there are nearly a million divorces every year in the U.S., but how many of those involve a baker's dozen of internationally adopted children and limited options for retreat homes in Malibu, Hawaii, or the South of France?

There comes a time in every woman's life when she transition from crazy sexy husband stealing femme fatale to self-mutilating anorexic self-serious frigid auteur. By way of hint, that's on or about the time your husband start Googling weird porn and divorce attorneys. Only a person with everything can toss it away to become a grand master martyr. This is Jolie's greatest role yet. 

Photo credit: Getty Images/Splash News

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