The Secret Turkey Plot To Kill Humanity

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and unless you are some kind of Tofurkey eating Communist, you will be feasting on the roasted carcass of a turkey. To not do so would be downright un-American. Every year millions of turkeys give their lives so that we can slip into tryptophan comas in front of the all day James Bond marathon on AMC. In recent years an alarming trend has marred this once great holiday. Namely, the dozens of injuries caused by improperly cooking fried turkeys. Put a frozen turkey in a hot fryer and you've got yourself a turkey bomb. I can't help but wonder is this is an accident or if it is some kind of secret plot to destroy humanity...by the turkeys.

Fact: turkey meat tastes like nothing. I've eaten paper that had more flavor than your average turkey. You've got to slather it in butter, seasoning, and other things just to make it edible. Then some Cajun genius realized that if you inject the bird with spices and deep fry it, the once tasteless meat is rendered sublime. The turkeys are exploiting the fact that their meat is gross, and that Americans can't resist fried foods, as a plot to end humanity. I'm on to you gobbles. Neither you nor your Turkluminatii masters will stop me from gnawing on your delicious fried corpses.