Red Carpet Posts:

Megan Fox Super Foxy at Some Fake Nickelodeon Awards

I have no idea if we're supposed to believe there's such a thing as the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Sports Awards. I can't even fathom what that would entail. But most importantly, Megan Fox believed they were real and showed up looking all kinds of sextastic, if not a bit demure, for the red carpet of the show.

We don't get to see Megan Fox much these days, certainly outside of her mommy sweats and such, so this trumped up awards show was a blessing without a disguise. We've really missed Megan and her legs and all over brunette allure. Hopefully she'll come back to us in more made up events, like the pretend film I'm shooting called Megan Fox Gets Hella Nekkid. You don't need to know the story, you've already bought your tickets. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen’s Funbags Highlighted the Hotness at the 2014 ESPY Awards

When ESPN announced that Drake would be hosting the 2014 ESPY awards, I kind of felt that pang in my stomach like, oh, know, I'm off-demo for the ESPYs. Not that I'm not a monster Drake fan, his face above my bed next to Justin and the boys from One Direction. Still, I felt old. Thankfully, the hotties on the red carpet came quickly along and made me feel young in the soul and nether regions again.

The lineup of sextastic celebrities at the ESPY's wavers from year to year, but there's always some significant highlights. Like this year, Jessica Alba, the uber-sextastic MILF who can do no wrong, and Chrissy Teigen, whose new pea-henning of her burgeoning ta-ta's has been a true delight these past few months. The duo weren't they only lovely ladies in attendance, but after they did arrive, I had to hit the cold shower for 97 minutes to get back into caring about sports mode. The ESPY's have flailed a bit, but there's nothing a solid dose of the sextastic can't make you forget about. Enjoy.

Selena Gomez Flashes Serious Leg at Not So Serious Ischia Global Festival

For a tiny island, Ischia off the coast of Italy has been packed this week with the world's hottest celebrities for some made up film and arts festival. Somehow, they never host them in Cleveland (maybe that changes now that LeBron's back).

Included today in the parade d' hotties was Selena Gomez, looking all grow'd up and flashing serious legs at one of the festivals red carpet events. For a relatively petite little minx, Selena manages to flash seemingly long stems made of pure lust inducement. Her calves alone could cause me to swim out to the island, seeing as how my yacht is still in the shop. Te amo, Selena. You and your new big jugs have really made my summer. Enjoy.

Nicola Peltz White Hot Clingy Boobtastic for Transformers Premiere in Berlin

Despite my rather unfavorable review of Transformers: Age of Extinction, there was one obviously shining element to the film, the lovely and talented and blonde hotness that is Nicola Peltz. T

he young sextastic actress got the full Michael Bay treatment in the film, similar to Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington Whiteley before her. If there's one thing Michael Bay does well, it's turning young starlets into total sexpots with powerful lighting and unbuttoned tops in his movies. Nicola Peltz might have had twenty stupid lines to recite, but she looked pretty stellar doing so.

Nicola looked like a million plus one half million dollars in tight white dress on the red carpet of the Berlin premiere of the movie. Wow, just so damn hot. Did she make the film worth watching? Almost. I'd rather have just seen her trying on her various revealing wardrobes, but that option wasn't given. Someday I hope. Nicola, we need to see much more of you. Enjoy.

Tatyana Ali, Naturi Naughton, Adrienne Bailon Bring Out the Bigguns for BET Awards

The hot ladies of color were anything but demure over the weekend at the BET Awards were big ole sweet boobtastic rules the day on the red carpet. As it should be. If you weren't adjusted your sweet jugs walking up to the event, you weren't even in the game. Sextastic rackalicious likes of Tatyana Ali, Adrienne Bailon, Naturi Naughton, Ashanti, Pia Mia Perez, Amber Rose (and for some reason, Paris Hilton) all walked the chesty show off walk for the Awards show.

I don't watch a lot of BET programming, though that number would rise dramatically if there was a show called March of the Big Chested Lovely Ladies. I'd DVR that with override to Must Record. Because women of all colors float my boat. The S.S. Egotastic!, with stops in all ports of call where we aren't currently wanted dead or alive for crimes of passion. Hey, a sailor gets lonely. Enjoy.

Munn-Tastic! Olivia Munn Cleavy and Back to Girl Next Door Hotness at Deliver Us from Evil Premiere

Olivia Munn comes in and out of our lives like an old girlfriend who we can't shake. Only, she never was our girlfriend and we never got to nibble on her toes after sex like we always imagined. Maybe that was before sex, as it's hard for me to imagine doing anything but watching a ball game after. Still, the Olivia Munn allure was so strong for so many years, it felt like we really had something there. Then Olivia went off to network television and a couple horrible movies and we had to take a break. She just looked frazzled and tired and not in the lost weekend good kind of way.

Olivia has since returned with full throttle sextastic, including her cleavy red carpet winning appearance for the premiere of Deliver Us from Evil. I'm sure the film is awesome, though I can't say I remember hearing about it, but not nearly as eye-popping as Olivia in a low cut top that really wouldn't take much effort to lower even further. If only my telekinetic powers weren't currently being restrained by a cadmium shield placed around my brain by the government. I'm pretty sure that happened. Or maybe this throbbing is just a hangover. In any case, Olivia, let's reconnect. You can be the girl next door and I can be the ruffian you fool around with to make your daddy angry. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba Just Extremely Good Looking at Designing Women Red Carpet

Jessica Alba never doesn't look super amazing. I say that completely objectively and free of any emotion save for pure lust. What was once a young hot thespianic and model has grown into a 30-something crazy sextastic MILF. If only Jessica could have turned naughtier rather than PTA mommy. Nevertheless, we can use our imaginations to fill in the disparity. Hot PTA moms!

Jessica opened oglers eyes on the red carpet at the Designing Women awards in New York. I'm not exactly sure what this award show is. Maybe it has something to do with that old sitcom. Any excuse to get Jessica decked out and strutting her stuff. Not as showy as in the past perhaps, but every bit as desirable. I'm looking at my desire meter right now, scores still off the charts. Jessica Alba, marry me next! Enjoy.