Shuddup, I Still Love Katie Holmes

I take a lot of flack for my ongoing lust of Dawson’s Creek alum, Katie Holmes, but I can’t shake it. I don’t want to shake it. I stood with Katie through her trying to be a real actress years after Dawson’s, her odd marriage to Xenu’s most sensitive disciple, and all the weird dowdy dress down mom times of late, and, on occasion, I am rewarded with looks of Katie hotness as in this Allure magazine pictorial for April 2013.

Yeah, Katie never was a sexpot. She was a cutie with some great potential. And as much as she or others have tried to hide that burgeoning sextastic, we know well here it’s like the Transformers AllSpark. It can only stay hidden for so long before somebody with a hard-on for it comes looking. I am that somebody with a hard-on, figuratively speaking. Enjoy. 

Lea Michele Gets As Sexy as She Can for Allure Magazine

The December edition of Allure magazine just hit my doorstep with a thud and the fresh scent of perfume samples, alerting me to the potential celebrity hotness inside (not to mention Ten Trendy Tips on Perfecting Your Holiday Wardrobe — thank god).

For all your fans of Hebrew School hottie, Lea Michele, and all you closeted (and not so closeted) Glee fans, the brunette took to the pages of Allure for one of her better looking pictorials, strutting about in some classy lingerie, as she does twice a week in my own dreams, thrice on Saturdays, flashing the kind of innocent hotness that has put many a man in a financial sinkhole before.

Beware the lady with the wanton gaze. Enjoy.

Karlie Kloss (Covered) Topless For the Super Alluring Look

Of course, we favor young supermodel Karlie Kloss just a wee bit for her Windy City birthright, but we favor her a lot more for just being ridiculously hot, and even if we have to weed through tons and tons of ladies magazines to find her latest sextastic pictorials, and spend hours and hours getting our nails done to do so (all lies!), we’ll do just that. Take for instance Karlie Kloss in the current edition of Allure magazine, a magazine that sounds like it should be for dudes, but it isn’t, until this month when the genetically gifted Karlie appears covered topless on its multi-color pages. Oh, the tease buried within these photos is enough to make a man want to build a cabin in the woods and be alone with his thoughts for a month or two decades. Karlie, we need to see much more of you soon. Enjoy.

Olivia Wilde Goes Princess Piping Hot in Allure

Never count out a hottie. Never. Genetics can never be tossed by the wayside. It’s been an up and down year for the innately sextastic Olivia Wilde, career wise, even looks wise in terms of her cankle activity. But just when you think a sexy celebrity is down for the count, up pops another amazing photoshoot reminding you why you fell in ‘three minutes in the locked apartment bathroom’ lust with her in the first place. Such is the case with Olivia Wilde in the October edition of Allure magazine. Wow. Princess hot; that’s a whole different kind of cosplay passion for those of us who grew up interchangeably on fairytales and pornography.

Olivia Wilde, I will not forsake you, oh, my darling. Enjoy.

Candice Swanepoel Stylish Sexy Hot in Allure

Oh, Candice Swanepoel, this name is hotness.

You know my tragic tale of woe each month as the neighborhood children taunt and flame me each month as a large collection of women’s fashion magazines arrive at the doorstep to my pied-à-terre, but, he who ogles last ogles best. And this month’s Allure magazine featuring the uber-sexy Candice Swanepoel, be still my throbbing lower heart. Oh, sure, there are too many clothes and definitely too many bubbles, and maybe a bit artsy-styly, but, underneath it all, the gloriously hot Candice, just evoking all sorts of ideas you simply can’t mention aloud in front of polite company, not that you know much polite company, but assuming you did. Enjoy.

Keri Hilson (Covered) Nude Provides Further Allure

Adding on to the almost nekkid kind of sextastic madness brought on by Kaley Cuoco and Ashley Tisdale earlier this week, Allure magazine also unveiled the sleek and sexy R&B sensation Keri Hilson to the world, displaying the hip-hop hottie from the ATL in almost all of her glory. Quite an eclectic mix of nude gals twisting and turning for the photographers from Allure, hiding some of the better parts of woman kind; still no denying that this is the type of portrait of an artist that you won’t see on VH-1. Someday, I’ll unleash my sophisticated musical reviews on the world (starting with ‘AC/DC rocks the mother effin’ house’), but, for now, I’ll judge music as it lies, and in the case of the sultry Keri Hilson, it lies almost completely nekkid and utterly alluring. Enjoy.

Ashley Tisdale and Kaley Cuoco (Covered) Nekkid Portraits Are More Than Just a Little Alluring

Um, double yum.

Super petite Hellcat hottie, Ashley Tisdale, and blonde Hop and Big Bang Theory sexy bomb, Kaley Cuoco took it off, all off, for the pages of the upcoming Allure magazine and, well, did I say double yum already? Every year Allure talks some sexy celebrities out of their clothes and into their birthday suits for a bit of almost-nekkid photographic wonderment. Side boobs. Bare bottoms. Super hotness.

I feel something awesome in the air, something magical this coming summer, and I think we are just on the very tip of what’s going to be a very memorable season of celebrity skin. Stay tuned. And, enjoy.