chris-littlechild - August 6, 2015
‘One-eyed snake,' you say? If you think I'm going to let that one go by, you're mistaken, buddy boy.
Goddamn it, Nintendo. What the hell are you doing? Back in the early 90s, Pokémon was the business. It was wholesome, cutesy fun (bar a couple shadier urchins who'd stab their schoolfriends in the face for their Charizard card), and it kept us all away from much more questionable pursuits like drugs and gunrunning.
It was, in short, just the sort of thing you'd expect from Nintendo, with their family friendly ethos and general the-sun-shines-out-of-Mario's-asshole innocence. Two decades later, it still is. That's what we all thought, anyway, but the sneaky buggers had us all fooled. The whole thing was a front for the company's true goal: Infiltrate children's minds by appearing harmless, then sucker punch everyone with the ultimate dick joke.
Behold... this thing. The Pokémon Company have announced (stealthily, in a movie trailer) that the latest 'mon to join the ranks is some kind of hideous wang-snake. It'll be officially unveiled in an upcoming movie over Japan way, presumably. Until then, there it is in enigmatic silhouette form, with the great reptilian erection that is its body clearly visible.
One-eyed snake indeed. Someone's taking the piss here.