chris-littlechild - November 20, 2012
From the massive prehistoric reptile bastardry of Velociraptor to... the massive prehistoric reptile bastardry of these angry assholes. The first Manimals joint entry, the crocodile has amalgamated with the alligator. Because, let's be frank (how the hell does Frank keep getting past security, whoever he is? If he's shat on our carpet again...), they're pretty well the same damn thing. If one of these bitches has your ballsack in its teeth, are you liable to be pernickety regarding snout length, relative sizes and habitats and whatnot? You aren't, hence the alarming frequency of such little contretemps as:
"Dude, a crocodile is chewing on your bollocks!Did you know?"
"No it isn't. Not even slightly, I'm cool. It's actually an alligator."
"Ah, no worries then. For a moment there, I thought you were utterly f*****d."
Who hasn't been there?
To business, the crocagator (as we'll term both simultaneously) is a mean, mean bastard. Haven't you seen Lake Placid? Don't, it's shit. Regardless, this ballache of a movie introduced the true nature of this species: 30-foot-long abominations that eat people like tiny canapés. Leaving decapitated heads floating atop the blood-infused water, as though they're macabre boats for those midgets from The Borrowers, is several kinds of uncool. If memory serves -unlikely, as we were beholding this unfolding shitstorm through a dense miasma of alcohol fumes- somebody found a grenade launcher (in mom's closet or something, presumably) and blew this mofo's genitalia into the next state.
But what of the actual, non-imbibed with Hollywood badass credentials beasts? Most pertinently, having existed -in some fashion or other- for nigh on 60 million years, these guys deftly evaded whatever cataclysmic shitstorm smote the dinosaurs in their humongous ten-ton tits. It's lamentable that an array of awesome beasts such as those were savaged with the genocide stick, leaving us naught but the Crocodilians, all of whom resemble giant prehistoric turds with teeth (there were also little rat-things and suchlike, but who gives even three-eighths of a shit about them?). Regardless, though, major manpoints for continuing life unperturbed when a meteor hits you in the eyeball.
What, prithee, have these bastards been doing for many millions of years? Primarily, flexing their deftly-honed ability to be huge assholes. As exemplar, this guy on the right? He doesn't possess the mental capacity to operate a lawnmower. He can't devour it. Just for the sake of bastardry, though, he's going to purloin it from an Australian zoo dude anyway. Verily, these guys have no shits to give. It's almost as though crocodiles and alligators do not care if our yards succumb to excessive weeds and overgrowth!Oh, the humanity!
Conversely, though, as is the case with the similarly-notorious great white shark, the term maneater may be a case of hyperbole. Alligator attacks, most notably of the two, are uncommon indeed. A response to territory-encroachment, as opposed to any particular proclivity for man-meat (and we aren't talking about penises here. At this particular instance). The heightened aggression of crocodiles does render them a nigh 16 foot long ballistic missile of furious scaly death; though this is deserved retribution for the nefarious practice of making shoes, handbags, wallets et al from their actual skin.
It's incumbent upon us to end any such article with a dramatic denouement provided by the Crocodile Hunter himself, the dearly departed bollocks like cannonballs Steve Irwin. Heed one of his patented preposterous anecdotes below ("...luckily enough, all of my instincts came together, I went loose. I didn't go rigid. If I had gone rigid and resisted, he'd have pulled my arm right out of the socket. And probably eaten it."), and remember that for this dude such shenanigans are as pedestrian as our early morning shuffle to the bathroom for a piss.
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