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If You Thought the Jurassic Park Movies Were Terrifying (Which You Didn’t), Check Out Some Real Dino-Horror

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chris-littlechild - May 18, 2012

Before Dino Crisis made an attempt at incorporating dinosaurs into the survival horror genre, Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition was the highest plateau the concept reached. This ancient Genesis title remains one of my childhood favourite games, for reasons that still elude me a good decade or so later. This is, the developers hasten to make plain, Rampage Edition. (Laughably, the boxart consists only of the famous boneasaurus logo and these two words, in the most excessively large font you can fathom. I would have suggested adding the following caveat to the box, in small print: Wait, come back! The game sucksconsiderablyless this time. What with therampagingdinosaurs and all! It doesn't feature that dude beingrighteously chewed in the nutsack whilst hiding on the toilet like a big girl,granted, but you won't bleed sad, sad tears of actual blood from your eyes while playing, as is the case with numerous movie tie-ins I could mention. On the Great Steaming Odious Turd Scale, it'd only be a 3 or 4 out of ten. 5, tops. That wasn't quite the angle they were looking for with the game's promotion, though, apparently. Damn those pernickety advertising bastards.)

So, with that title in mind, you'd expect to find a certain amount of action in the proceedings. This isn't Jurassic Park: Elderly Dinosaurs Shuffle About Their Nursing Home, Whining About Their Drooping Boobs Which are Dragging on the Floor Like a Gorilla's Knuckles and Pissing Themselves Edition, after all. (Although a stellar sequel idea is a stellar sequel idea. It could hardly surpass the festering ball-ache that was Jurassic Park 3.) It's a little disconcerting, then, to discover that most of the rampaging is done by an elderly dude wearing what is surely the most turdtacular hat ever conceived. ( It's our friend Dr. Grant,pictured here riding what appears to be a mutant ostrich, cruelly robbed of all its feathers by some local bastards in a wanton act of barbarous sadism. The beast appears of sunny disposition nonetheless. Although a little less so than the good doctor, who judging by the position of his legs is taking the riding concept a little too literally. The randy bugger.)

As far as the plot goes, then, it would appear that Grant has returned to one of those God-forsaken islands in search of dinosaurs to hump. It's as entertaining a premise as any, the developers sure as hell neglected to provide one. (There may have been something in the manual explaining just what in the name of Satan's scrotum is going on here, but I wouldn't know. Having brought the game second-hand from some unscrupulous dudes online, I opened the booklet to find somebody had kindly shat on the centre page. Thus, whatever may have been written within was largely rendered illegible by fecal matter. Between the resultant lack of plot-knowledge, and the nasty case of cholera I contracted as a result, you'redamn rightI'm clicking the negative feedback box on ebay.I CLICK FOR JUSTICE! NOBODY SHALL SHIT IN THE CASES OF ASSORTED ELECTRONICS WITH GLEEFUL ABANDON ON MY WATCH. HEED ME WELL, EVILDOERS!

Whatever the reason, a meagre selection of side-scrolling levels await. You can choose your own course across the island, (not that you'd want to. Each stage is fairly balls, so the order you tackle them in is utterly immaterial. Having the option merely lends a Sophie's Choice aspect to the whole affair) taking out a mixture of large ravenous reptiles and army guys as you go. For reasons unknown, they're out to viciously murder you as well. The human enemies come in green and blue-suited varieties, one of which supposedly representing InGen agents. My book was crapped on, as I say, so I don't know what their beef might be. Suffice it to say, if it lives on this island, it wants to separate your balls from body/generally end you horribly. (With the exception of the one Gallimimus you ride across the savannah, who pays for his transgression with a helicopter dropping a vast arsenal of high-explosives onto its face.) All in all, our poor protagonist doesn't get a spare moment for some illicit giant reptile intercourse. Brilliantly, you begin your endeavour with a miserably lame-ass tranquilizer gun, as damaging as a quick flick to the groin of your aggressors. By the end, you're toting flamethrowers, grenades and a magnificent electro gun that reduces a Velociraptor to a twitching skeleton/small heap of ash and pure Kentucky-fried injury with a leisurely tap of the button. In which case, why does the pitiful groin-gun exist at all?
"Dr. Grant, tranquilize that slavering beast! It's the humane way!"
"Nuts to that! Who am I, Mary Poppins?I'm going to roast its ass! Then utterly ravage its useless mangled carcass with a hand grenade, inserted the Christmas turkey way. I'mso awesome, the word that sufficiently describes my greatness hasn't been invented yet. Once it is, I'll wear it on a t-shirt. That's allI'll wear. Badasses like me don't need pants. Seeing my heroic penis flapping freely about is the gift I shall bestow on you lesser mortals."

Because Grant is an ass like that.

"HELL YEAH! CHECK ME OUT! TAKING ON THIS DISEMBODIED MONSTER-HEAD WITH JUST A PATHETIC RUBBER BOAT AND MY GROIN-GUN. I'M SO INCREDIBLE, IT MAKES MY BALLS ITCH!"

Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition clearly isn't based on any particular movie. It has a mild case of ballache-ism, there's no doubt about that. There's a subtle odour of crap hanging in the air throughout, like some diseased miasma. It's oddly enjoyable though, in a masochistic sort of way. A strange platformer and run-and-gun mix, notable largely for having the most farcical boss fight in gaming history. As you see above, at the end of the game, you're cruising along in a little rubber dinghy when a Tyrannosaurus head appears! (Only the head, mark you. Trying to animate the whole thing would be far to much for such an ancient console.) The half-assed 'combat' that ensues has to be seen to be believed. As such, you can see it, and believe it, right here, courtesy of Youtuber leonrey03 . View with caution, because the sight is so incredible you may shit.


Article by Chris Littlechild

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