The Strange And Terrible Tale Of The Swiss Cheese Pervert

There are a lot of weird fetishes out there, (mostly in Japan), but I was unaware that A) cheese fetishes were a thing and B) that people can find a way to use dairy products for sexual harassment. Apparently, you can. Gather round youngin's and I'll tell you the tale of the Swiss cheese pervert. According to the official website of the town of Mayfair, Pennsylvania near Philadelphia a "man exposes himself to women and offers them money to watch him put Swiss cheese on his privates." He rolls up to them in his car and pops that eternal question, "Will you watch me fap my Philly cheesesteak?" This guy has been around for a while and has only recently gone mobile. After the news report came out a girl on OK Cupid revealed that a man fitting the description of the perv once contacted her. To his credit, he was very honest on his OK Cupid profile,

"I developed this fetish to help me deal with my sexual urges. I found that women tend to like dairy products, and settled on cheese to represent the girl. thus I started having sex with cheese. I like to use Swiss cheese and would wrap slices of the cheese around penis, then masturbate. Now tho, after finding several girls to do it for me, I prefer having girls do it for me, instead of myself."

The man, who looks like Matt Pinfield of MTV fame to me, is getting increasingly brazen. What I wonder is how much money he offers? I mean, I might glance at a guy putting cheese on his dong for the right price. It's not gay if you aren't actively involved and it involves dairy. Unless you are lactose intolerant. What am I talking about?