While ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Reviews are a Mixed Bag, Can We All Agree That ‘Star Trek’ the Video Game Sucked Monkey Nuts?

Even a half-assed, casual perusal-squint at rottentomatoes shows that no-one has got their shit together and conclusively proved whether Star Trek Into Darkness bites or not. Sure, the site's consensus is that the movie is ‘visually spectacular and suitably action packed... a rock-solid installment in the venerable sci-fi franchise,' and it has garnered an almost 90% approval rating from filmgoers and critics alike. You'd think that would suffice to send anyone that even registers faint stirrings on the nerd-o-meter to theaters; clutching their popcorn like an extortionately-priced sugary lifeline and making disparaging remarks about casting choices, continuity errors and departures from ‘what Star Trek reallyis.'

Nonetheless, there are always a few bastard party poopers poised to exclaim, Not so fast, buddy boy! Stop with your goddamnliking of things!This movie is like a train wreck upon an explosion at a nuclear disposal facility upon a meteor striking the Earth! The bugbear, it seems, is that the series was more of a subtle, character-driven affair, while J.J Abrams is bringing us a balls-out actiontacular summer blockbuster. Presumably, the amount of shits you have to give about this situation determines your enjoyment, or otherwise, of Star Trek Into Darkness.

Some things, though, need to be kept simple. We're happy to report that one such thing is Star Trek the video game, released a month or so ago by Digital Extremes. There's no such disparity here; this is confirmed by ACTUAL SCIENCE to be a digital heap of unholy horsecrap.

Every gamer in the cosmos surely got the memo that all games-of-the-film/TV series will be dire, and here's another instance. What we have right here is a scrote-shrivelingly tedious, identikit me too shooter, a co-op action caper in which you and another unfortunate soul play as Spock and Kirk ("Did we mention thatyou play as Spock and Kirk? If that doesn't sell this ballache, what the hell will," as the developers themselves were -certainly not- heard to state in a recent interview).

There is a little interest to be had: Spock specializes in the Vulcan nerve pinch and other stealthy shenanigans, while Kirk opts for a more Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-Predator guntacular approach. What they forgot, though, in their zeal-iness to make shitloads of unscrupulous cash from a license, was to check whether the damn game sucked and/or even functioned correctly. The result was the bug-ridden, farcical mess you see below: