Video Game Pets Mom Would Have Hated: Cerberus

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chris-littlechild - March 10, 2012

Not the underworld-guarding three headed dude (although that would admittedly make quite a pet) sadly. This Cerberus is the Resident Evil one, the actual term for those beasts you may well know as those damn zombie dogs.

It's another creature you'll have issues with feeding. Cerberuses (internet nerdery assures me that's actually the term) are pack hunters, which are rarely found alone. Their preferred prey is, it seems, people. As such, the first thing you'll want to do when considering getting one of these is a quick call to a pet food store. Some of the meat in those cans is utterly unidentifiable, so you never know who or what might be inside. With what looks like a mixture of gristle and horse balls as the usual fare, man-meat would probably be an improvement.

While an undead dog sounds like quite a cool animal to own, there's the unwelcome geek factor to consider. In the parent's basement, Star Trek T-shirt corners of the internet, a judgement has been made. It seems that Cerberus is only the term for the purpose-created bio weapons. Mere zombie dogs, meanwhile, are just unfortunate animals infected by the virus outbreak. To the naked eye, there's absolutely no difference at all. Perhaps you need to be looking through incredibly thick prescription glasses. In any case, you don't want to be flaunting your new best friend under the wrong name. Nobody wants mockery from a horde of angry nerds. Come to think of it though, with a few four-inch-long angry canine's canines in their gonads, they may not be so quick to remind you of the distinction.

Much like the Bile Demon, you'll at least have an excellent guard dog. These things are fantastically aggressive, and powerful. To a degree that makes the neighbour's huge Alsatian look as fearsome as a baby rabbit. With a limp. In the first Resident Evil movie, Alice kills one with a deft bit of Matrix-motion wall running, followed by a swift shoe-meets-head moment. Most prowlers aren't capable of this sort of caper, so your PC and expensive I-devices are probably safe.

Finally, it's likely the only member of the franchise's disturbing mutated menagerie that could almost be passed off as an actual pet. Sure, you'd have to restrain the thing. Not to mention glue most of its hair back on. Maybe reattach an eyeball. Other than that, your hellhound wouldn't get a second look.

For your viewing pleasure, here's a terrifying (at the time maybe, it's utterly ancient now and as scary as a sock puppet) Cerberus attack:

Article by Chris Littlechild

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