CELEBRITY

United Kills Creepy Old Woman’s Giant Rabbit

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Lex Jurgen - April 26, 2017

Practically speaking, nobody really gives a shit when an airline beats the crap out of an old quack with a felony record. The video's fun to watch. The boycott almost entirely empty. Dead animals are another matter. Americans love household pets far more than they do Vietnamese dudes with twink boy fetishes. There are numbers behind this.

A dead giant rabbit is another matter. United Airlines confirmed that what was to be the world's largest pet rabbit died in a cargo hold at O'Hare airport after a flight from London to Chicago. The rabbit, Simon, son of Darius, was in route to an unnamed celebrity owner in the U.S. who paid tens of thousands. He's apparently outraged. It's days like these you wonder if there is a God.

Super creepy old British lady Annette Edwards breeds giant rabbit oddities to be shipped around the world to various versions of Veruca Salt and their guilt ridden daddies. In addition to her grotesque bunny business, Edwards spent some amount of money as a senior citizen making herself look like Jessica Rabbit, which seems to be taking her brand identity eleven steps too far. She claims she was a Playboy model in her heyday but most available images of yore reveal a British six with big tits in fetish type photos from the 70s. This entire tale reeks of a bad Wes Anderson movie. Or a Wes Anderson movie.

Edwards is gearing up for a lawsuit against United which claims it's shocked and dismayed at Simon's demise and treats its animal cargo with equal care to its human passengers. I might have left that last part off. In pointless continued defense of the airline, breeding animals for extreme features is some pretty shitty Dr. Moreau level nature corrupting. Somewhere between beautiful perfect Golden Retrievers that can't walk by age four and miniature ponies constantly searching for a razor to end their misery.

If you know United, you know they're expert witness shopping for a zoologist who will explain Simon likely had a shitty ticker from money grubbing breeding habits. Still, dead giant furry rabbit. $500,000. Next case.

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