The U.S Life Expectancy Has Dropped! We Exclusively Reveal That Video Games Are (Not) to Blame

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chris-littlechild - September 27, 2012

An exhaustive recent study has disclosed that the life expectancy of Americans has declined by four years since the start of the nineties. The caveat here being that, as reports, the data accrued pertains only to ‘Americans lacking a high school diploma' and ‘whites.' As the link makes plain, this research was conducted by a professor of great importance (wearing a tie and spectacles and everything); so presumably we must heed his words, lest he smite our craniums with one of his fancy degrees.

This news may ease the burden of the annual holiday letter to cousin Marvin (and his wife, cousin Mary-Jo-Jones) in their shit-stained trailer park, but it's certainly befuddling. Potential causes cited by the study encompass ‘a spike in prescription drug overdoses among young whites, higher rates of smoking among less educated white women, rising obesity and a steady increase in the number of the least educated Americans who lack health insurance.' All creditable theories, but, alas, all largely horsecrap. As a little Egotastic! science (to wit: drunken lies and facetiousness) reveals in the gallery, gaming is the insidious cause.


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