I used to think Joanna Krupa told me she was married all the time was just her way of saying, Bill, look at your shoes, they have holes in them. Well, I tell you what. I drilled those holes in my shoes and I’m damn proud of my work. Also, Joanna Krupa really is married to some obviously hunky hunkmeister who in between having his chest hair shorn to save babies in developing nations owns some nightclubs in Miami. One of these locations celebrated their anniversary so Joanna put on her best, or at least, most revealing party dress, and got in on the action to support the cause. Now that’s a wife.
I’m hoping that if I ask super nicely, Joanna will wear this same dress to my Learning Annex graduation next month. I don’t like to brag, but I can not take dictation in shorthand in over seven dead languages. It’s pretty big. Not as big as her deep cleavage and that preening of hers in shiny showy wardrobes, but if I combine the two, I’m fairly certain I can make a Megazord of happy tingles. Party work well done, Joanna. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
You take two hot brunette Brits. Charli XCX and Daisy Lowe. Invite them to the same decked out spectacle event. One goes with major side boob on the red carpet, the other opts for deep bosomy cleavage. How do you decided the better show-woman?
As always, I choose the horny Solomon solution of ‘both’. I couldn’t imagine the heart-wrenching decision of having to tell one of these set of faptacular funbags that they somehow deserve the silver. Nay, this is entirely a gold medal affair. I couldn’t take my eyes off of either, careful to make eye contact first so as to be a gentleman, before moving on to leering catatonically as those lovely fleshy mounds. I want to adopt both of them, declare them my nieces in public, and let people talk gossip behind our backs. That’s the boobtastic dream. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Splash/PacificCoastNews
FKA Twigs, currently also known as Robert Pattinson’s uniquely styled musical girlfriend, took her turn at some much deserved bodily attention coming out of the Warner Music Party in London wearing a bra top, but no real bra, flashing a good bit of her twigs.
At some point we’ll have to start referring to her without the Pattinson reference. I know she’s well known in the U.K. although lesser known in the U.S., and that funky name she chose may take a while to catch on. Having said that, you won’t hurt your cause by showing off that alluring body. She has that exotic look that drives so many men to make very poor decisions but secretly not regret it a bit. Next time, no top at all and I suspect we will all know her name. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Oh, how I love a good Twitpic or Instagram selfie in the morning. I’ll also accept afternoon or evening, weekdays or weekends, winter months through the summer and back again. I’m just madly in lust with the cultural phenomenon of hottie self promotion. As much as I rail on the evil corporate landlords of the major social media sites, I’ve also chosen not to send them to another dimension with my mind. We kind of need them to keep running the platform for these sextastic shares. If that ever goes away, I promise, I’ll transport them through the demon portal.
This week’s Sextastic Twitpic Roundup includes Kylie Jenner showing off her body, sister Kendall Jenner following suit, Claudia Romani showing off her bikini boobtastic, Emily Ratajkowski braless bonanza, Coco chained and taped and, well, just see, Amanda Seyfried jumping for booty joy, and much much more. You owe it to the tragic spectacle soon to be your March Madness bracket to check out each and every one of these smoking hot self-published candids. I truly believe you (and I) have no better way to spend the next several minutes. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Twitter/Instagram
SI Rookie of the Year Kate Bock isn’t wasting any time getting her name, err, body, err, those must-see funbags into the mix of young ridiculously hot women vying for your ogling minutes. The competition is stiff, as our the judges, but Kate certainly seems up to the task.
In this moderately teasy pictorial for Galore magazine, Kate shows she’s going to be a force to be reckoned with, whether modeling for men, for women, or just privately for me in my 10×10 closet the realtor insists is a bonus room. It’s a closet. So will say Kate’s rescue notes she flings out the window when she finds the closet door locked from the outside. I have to be especially careful of security these days. People keep trying to steal all my wicked hot models. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Jacob DeKat For Galore Magazine
Every day I wake up and wonder what level of nekkid Kim Kardashian will be sporting. She rarely disappoints. Last night’s selection was a see-through bodysuit thing with more holes in it than a block of Swiss cheese. Never one to shy away from revealing some skin, you could see copious amounts of those legendary ta-tas. What can I say about Kim’s jubblies that hasn’t been said before? They defy words, but I try anyway to write about them. One day, I will write an epic poem about them. It will be the Iliad of today only instead of it being about a war it will just be about Kim’s boobage. And her booty, lest we forget that perfect model of buttdom. I sometimes pretend my pillow is her booty when I snuggle into it to go to sleep at night.
But I digress. Some people say they are sick of seeing Kim naked. Those people are wrong. There is no getting sick of that body.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews/INF/Splash
Hot ginger star Bella Thorne greeted her fans in a low cut tank top while on her way to Jimmy Kimmel Live. Her ladies were pert and perky as she shook hands and took selfies with people. I’m sure more than one of them took a high angle shot to try and look down her shirt. And who can blame them? Bella has a really nice rack of perfectly shaped mounds of lady flesh. I don’t know what lucky SOB gets to manhandle those badboys but they are one lucky bastard. I sometimes lay awake at night dreaming of Bella’s fellas bouncing in front of my face. It relaxes me. We all have our ways of getting to sleep. Some people count sheep, I follow the bouncing Bellas.
I do have a thing for redheads. I like their passion and fiery spirit. That can also be a bad thing. One redhead I dated tried to run me over with a car. True story.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Splash