On Making Sweet Sweet Love To Dolphins

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bill-swift - June 14, 2014

It seems that higher mammals have one thing in common: wanting to bone human women. It's been shown that our close relatives like bonobos and chimps get excited around our females. But a chimp is 98% genetically identical to us, so that makes sense. But it's also been shown that our dolphin cousins not only are aroused by human females but have been known to have both consensual and not so consensual sex with human females. Yes, there is such a thing as dolphin rapists, y'all. But this tale is of a human woman named Margaret Howe Lovatt who had a relationship with a dolphin named Peter in the 60's. Margaret, who is now 97, reminisced about her time studying dolphins in remote locations in St. Thomas for up to six months at a time. It seems that she got REAL lonely and struck up a sexual affair with a randy teen dolphin named Peter. She used to take him to where he could interact with female dolphins but when that became to difficult she began to "relieve his desires herself manually". Yup. It was then that he began to "court her". She says,

"New totally unexpected sequence of events took place. I feel that we are in the midst of a new becoming; moving into a previous unknown…I stand very still, legs slightly apart, and Peter slides his mouth gently over my shin. Peter is courting me… he has been most persistent and patient… Obviously a sexy business… The mood is very gentle, still and hushed… all movements are slow."

When the people who funded the research found out about these shenanigans, they transferred both Peter and Margaret to different locations. It was then that Peter committed suicide. Yes. They say love is blind and it is also gross. But who I feel sorry for is poor Peter the dolphin. This Margaret bitch was clearly stroking a check her life couldn't catch. All she did was confuse this poor beast into falling in love with her knowing full well that they had no future. She used him, in other words. I have a feeling that the hell that awaits her involves a giant tank full of drunken frat dolphins.

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