Morrissey Writes The Worst Sex Scene Of The Year

Every year the illustrious Literary Review scours the past year's fiction works to find the most badly written sex scene. It's very difficult to write a love scene without making it sound like either a trashy romance novel or a porno. I know, I've been there. Even really great writers struggle with it. But what if you are a less experienced fiction writer and are better known for writing sad songs about alienation and death? That's why the winner of this year's Literary Review's induction into the Bad Sex Hall of Fame is singer Morrissey. He wrote a novel called List of the Lost which is apparently about a cursed relay race team. Yes, really. But somewhere in its pages comes this little nugget of prose dynamite,

"Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone."

My favorite line is: "Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth". WTF does that even mean?