Marmots Spreading The Bubonic Plague. F%$K!

In the 13o0's the Bubonic plague wiped out a third of Europe's population. Unlike what "doctors" thought at the time, it wasn't caused by witches, Jews, or bad air. It was spread by the fleas that fed off of Europe's many rats...or was it? The Bubonic plague is back and this time it is being spread by marmots. Marmots are like groundhogs, except they are in no way involved with weather prediction. Several people have been hospitalized in Kyrgyzstan after catching the disease from eating the large rodents. One teenage boy has died, which is pretty sad considering that his last meal was a glorified rat. "Is this another sign of the apocalypse, Jack?" You bet your bubo covered ass it is!

Ever heard of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse? One of the Horsemen is named pestilence. But what does he look like so we can identify him when he shows up? I have been studying the secret scrolls of The Book of Josh, Jesus' Hairdresser that I uncovered behind the dumpster at Arby's. It reads:

"And lo, I beheld a rider with a fuzzy wuzzy face and buck teeth like an Appalachian prom queen. But peteth not this beast, for he carries pestilence in his squooshy butt."

I know they are delicious but, for now, don't eat marmots.