Sam Robeson - April 11, 2017
Mariah Carey is a national treasure. Her mental instability brings joy to millions of Americans anxious to see another star implode right through her girdle. But Carey will never go full Shelley Duvall. Dr. Phil won’t have the pleasure of exploiting her as he journeys into hell. Carey has spent too much of her life in delusion to have any fucks left. The closest thing to a whistle note she’s hit in the past decade is her raspy squeals of joy when a new lace front arrives. The world assumed she stroked out during her New Year’s Eve performance. They were only mostly right.
The 47-year-old word mouther officially broke up with her boyfriend of five months, the surprisingly less Asian looking than her, Bryan Tanaka. This comes one year after Carey split from ex-fiancé, James Packer.
The split happened very recently. Mariah ended it — everyone hoped that she would. She has better things to focus on, Mariah is happy. She is focusing on her kids and new music. Bryan was a good distraction after she split from James. This is a good time for her to be single and focus on herself.
The failed relationship between a fame-hungry backup dancer and a dick-hungry singer is an industry tradition. Jennifer Lopez, Christian Aguilera, Madonna, and Britney Spears know the drill. They buy diamond-encrusted trucker hats for greasy dancers in exchange for six-pack arm candy. Here's the officially released lie as to what went wrong:
[Carey broke up with Tanaka] due to his spending habits and his jealousy over her relationship with ex-husband Nick Cannon, with whom she shares twins Monroe and Moroccan, 6 this month.
Carey is Sexy Ho Barbie in her inner world. She’ll continue to believe young pieces want her for her 1920's cathouse mama tits and raw talent until the day she gets fork lifted into her fur-lined grave. Considering the reality, Carey is doing things right by living in fantasy land. Booze and drugs weren't invented for no reason.
Photo credit: Splash News
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