Gwyneth Paltrow Needs to Stop With the Metaphors

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Lex Jurgen - May 30, 2014

I think we're now down to women who want giveaway shit on her website in terms of people who don't want to let Gwyneth Paltrow reprise Jean Claude Van Damme in Hard Target, hunted for sport in a city with great movie production tax incentives. A couple months ago Gwyneth stoked up a fire of pure estrogen when she mentioned how moms with 9 to 5 jobs have it so much easier than Hollywood actresses who's shooting schedules often run longer and less regularly scheduled. Scores of frazzled working moms encircled Gwyeth's carbon neutral palace hoisting their Boston Market meatloaf-to-go dinners and demanded her head. Not content with pissing off only the most emotionally volatile demographic, Gwyneth took a crack at comparing mean online comments she receives to the horrific experience of real war:

You come across online comments about yourself and about your friends, and it's a very dehumanizing thing. It's almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it.

If war is the answer, what is the question, Gwyneth? Sorry, I read that on the bumper sticker on the back of your Range Rover. As you might expect, the angry working moms tagged real war-experienced soldiers to climb to the top turnbuckle and  body slam Gwyneth's infantile use of metaphors. Guys like Green Beret Bryan Sikes, who even if he is a bit cliche in his attack on spoiled celebrities has such big arms and big fucking guns that I really regret I even used the word cliche now:

You said, "Its almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it." I could see how you, and others like you in "the biz", could be so insecure and mentally weak that you could pair the difficulty of your life on twitter to my brothers who have had their limbs ripped off and seen their friends shot, blown up, burned and disfigured, or wake up every morning in pain – while just starting the day is a challenge.

You know what is really "dehumanizing", Miss Paltrow? The fact that you'd even consider that your life as an "A-list" celebrity reading internet comments could even compare to war and what is endured on the battlefield. You and the other "A-listers" that think like you are laughable. You all have actually convinced yourselves that you in some way face difficulty on a regular basis

What Bryan doesn't realize is that Gwyneth scanned his angry letter and only came away with 'I'm an A-Lister!'. She's now shipping six boxes of Goop lavender rejuvenating hand lotion to the troops in Afghanistan and waiting for Shinseki to award her a fast pass for service at any VA hospital of her choosing. Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome. Gwyneth is good to go.

(Thanks to and Sanford for this encouraging story.)

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