Eddie Van Halen Blames Cancer On Guitar Picks

Eddie Van Halen was a regular smoker and heavy drinker for much of his life and unfortunately came down with a case of the cancer, which led to part of his tongue being removed. Rub a little dirt on it and you're good for a world tour. 

Flying in the face of logic, Van Halen attributes the cancer not to mainlining Marlboros all day, but electromagnetic energy caused by putting metal guitar picks in his mouth. 

"I used metal picks, they're brass and copper, which I always held in my mouth, in the exact place where I got the tongue cancer. Plus, I basically live in a recording studio that's filled with electromagnetic energy. So that's one theory. I mean, I was smoking and doing a lot of drugs and a lot of everything."

Van Halen's doctors acknowledge this is vaguely possible, meaning they don't have time to explain a bunch of stuff and he's in good spirits, which is the best medicine. Besides cancer drugs. 

Luckily it's been completely eliminated and he now is in perfect health. Whatever works. Get out of here cancer. I've got some incense sticks with your name on them. Know who you're dealing with.