Remember shoebox dioramas? The ones your 3rd grade teacher assigned you? The basic idea was that you'd take worn out old toys and cram them into a flimsy box with some hastily applied paint and decorations. Then you'd have to present it to people with the bare minimum of enthusiasm. Remember?
Yeah. Red 2 is the perfect cinematic rendition of that.
I sat earnestly through the beginning of this week's press screening. I did my part with an open mind. Red wasn't the worst movie I'd ever seen. Maybe they'd do something special in the sequel?
I took the whole thing with so much seriousness, I even shushed a pair of giggling girls behind me who were chatting through the pin-drop-quiet first act. 'Look ladies, we're in a movie theater, here. There's a movie playing. Please be quiet,' I said sternly. But by the time Mary-Louise Parker's character, Mary-Louise Parker, told Catherine Zeta Jones' character, Ms. Over-the-top Ambiguously-Ethnic Jones, to (and I'm quoting directly here) 'Suck it,' I was done. Just done. I don't even remember how it ended.
That line right there was tacit permission for everyone everywhere to no longer give any number of flying shits about anything else that happened...in the theater or on the screen. Light a bonfire, sing a song, slap an old lady, even have a full blown conversation. If the filmmakers didn't care, why should you?
There was, however, one and only one bright light in all of Red 2: John Horatio Malkovich. He should be sealed in Lucite and mounted on the US Capitol building, mostly so that he never does anything related to this franchise ever again. Ever. But not even his clever screwball antics could scrub the skidmarks out of this one. Were you really going to see it anyways?
Natalie Portman Bare Booty, Amanda Seyfried Topless, Mary Louise Parker Nekkid Fill the Mr. Skin Minute (VIDEO)
You know the very minute the guys invented the motion picture camera they were thinking only one thing. Let's go find some hot chicks to film. And when they discovered that these hot women had a strong interesting in seeing themselves visually recorded, well, that's when they knew they had created something genius. Our friends at Mr. Skin are merely the evolution of those early days in cinema, cutting off all the fat to get to get to the meat, the good stuff, the hot skin on film.
This week's Mr. Skin Minute includes Natalie Portman not the least bit nekkid in Thor, but quite body and booty revealing in Hotel Chevalier, Amanda Seyfried topless as a porn star in Lovelace, now on Blu-Ray, and also out on hi-def home theater viewing, the entire collection of the TV Series Weeds, which among other wickedly hot topless moments has brought us numerous epic scenes of star Mary Louise Parker baring all her goodies in character. Quite the viewing. Enjoy.
(Do not hate yourself in the morning by neglecting to get your Ego-discounted membership to Mr. Skin.com)