Basic Season Begins With The Pumpkin Spice Latte

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Michael Garcia - September 5, 2016

Today is Labor Day, which is the unofficial end of summer. We've all had our fun, gone to the beach, seen the girls in their bikinis, and enjoyed a cookout. But there is a landmark date that I think really marks the end of summer and the beginning of what can only be described as the basic bitch equinox: when Starbucks starts selling their Pumpkin Spice Latte. Well, that day is tomorrow, September 6. In a way, it is the new way to mark the changing of the seasons. Our ancestors used to use the constellations and the measurement of the rotation of the Earth around the sun. We know the season by what the basic chicks are drinking. If it's a mocha frapuccino or a skinny iced latte, then it must be summer. If it's a peppermint latte, it's the spring. But nothing marks the changing of the seasons like the Pumpkin Spice Latte, the basic girl's all time favorite drink...besides vodka and soda. 

Pumpkin Spice Lattes taste like a Yankee Candle store smells in autumn. Which is good because the basic girl is also buying anything that is scented pumpkin spice to go along with her frothy cup of fall. She's going to smell that way with her pumpkin spice bath gel from The Bath and Body Works and they will burn the aforementioned Yankee Candle they bought at the mall in their house. It's the smell of mediocrity and lack of imagination. It's the smell of freedom from thought. And you will just have to suffer through it. Maybe your wife or girlfriend is basic or maybe some of the women you work with. Not that women are the only ones who like Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Many men do as well. Basicness knows no race or gender or sexual orientation. It is something innate that defies class and social distinctions. So, drink up basic humans. I'll be in the corner sipping my regular latte and judging you secretly. 

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