chris-littlechild - February 22, 2012
The Bile Demon starred in 90's PC game Dungeon Keeper. It's a huge red monstrosity with no legs, that moves by steering its great bulk forward with its arms. It has enormous fangs and two vicious-looking maces where its ears should be. Already, you can tell this guy would be quite the talking point on a leash in the local park, but there's more.
The first major problem you'd have is keeping this thing fed. In the game, its diet was chickens, and copious amounts of them. The Hatchery was where all your creatures ate, but the Bile Demon's share was twice, or likely thrice, anyone else's. So really, where feeding is concerned, living in close vicinity to a KFC (or four or five of them) is basically the only way this could ever work.
It's not all bad news though. A pet Bile Demon would certainly not demand early morning walks. Indeed, trying to rouse it from its slumber would likely result in it grumpily giving you the finger. It was fond of doing this in Dungeon Keeper too. After all, as you can clearly see, this isn't the kind of beast you want pissed at you. As little movement as possible is this guy's motto, from bed to the food and back, mostly. That's how it stays so trim, no doubt.
As well as this, you'd also have yourself a great, if terrifically ugly, guard dog. It's a great fighter, thanks to its brute strength and lethal poison gas farting. In Dungeon Keeper, it dispatched the good guys trying to invade your evil lair. If you live on the shady side of town, and as long as you stay downwind of it, your new bulbous red friend can do the same for you.
All in all, it's probably a pet for the rich. I'm going to guess it's pretty rare to bump into one of these in the real world, so they're sure to be expensive. They could also afford the colossal food bills, and could use an effective anti-theft device. Everyone would steer well clear of your valuables with one of these monsters lurking around.
Article by Chris Littlechild