Chicago Terrorized By Cemetery Clown

What is the most frightening thing in the world? Besides a sharknado? The answer to that question is clowns. Clowns, with their big red noses and sharp sharp teeth are the very definition of terrifying. Now imagine if you were driving in your car late at night by Chicago's historic Rosehill Cemetery when you see a guy in a clown costume run out of the graveyard, look straight into your soul, and then creepily wave at you. I would leave a dookie in my shorts if that happened to me, no joke. Well, that's exactly what several Chicagoans have witnessed. One of the unfortunate folks to have seen this minion from hell said that they saw someone running out of the cemetery and, 

"When we get closer, we realize it's a clown, which is super weird. I mean, this was somebody putting forth a lot of effort -- and being really weird."

Why can't clowns just let people rest in peace? Why must they torment everyone so much? Are they just jerks as well as being diabolically evil? I guess so. Why doesn't the government just close all clown colleges and put the remaining clowns on a giant multi-colored boat made out of balloon animals and float them out to sea.