Hold On To Your Butts, ‘Super Mario Run’ Is Going To Be A Hell Of A Thing

  Nintendo have always been the furiously family friendly, cutesy-ass do-gooders of the gaming world. Where they come from, everything’s painted super bright primary colors, even the damn clouds and hills have smiling faces, and the sun shines out of everyone’s buttholes. That’s just how they roll.  

Have you ever seen Mario get papped outside some sleazy bar at 4.15am, with a hooker on each arm? Or doing 100 in a 50 zone while fifteen times over the limit? No, no you haven’t. And you never will. As the mega-iconic mustached faced of Nintendo, he’s got a reputation to maintain.

As to that, the company had one golden rule for their mascot: No mobile games for you, buddy boy. Nintendo vowed never to venture into the mobile market, and always have done. Until that Apple event dropped Super Mario Run on us out of no-freaking-where.

Hell, with the Wii U hitting the murky depths with great force and sinking without trace –like a Taco Bell turd—you’ve got to try something else. And apparently, this new venture is going to take off Pokémon Go style. As Destructoid reports, Nintendo have announced that ‘20 million iOS users have opted to be informed immediately when Mario Run launches in December.’ Have you ever been so freaking desperate to get in on the action that you pre-order a free to play mobile title two months early? These guys are. Lots of them.

The chance to play one-handed Mario on your commute isn’t to be turned down, clearly. I smell the next global phenomenon in the air.