bill-swift - June 6, 2012
The E3 video game expo is going on as we speak. This is like gamer geek Christmas. E3 is when video game companies unveil their new games and products. This festival of pixel worship in invitation only, (Egotastic! got in, heh, heh). Like street urchins pressing our faces against the glass of a toy store, the rest of us can only peer in and dream. At any rate, we'll find out soon enough and be able to spend our hard earned cash on games that we can play to drown out the crushing monotony of modern life. The men of my generation grew up playing video games from a very early age. As a small child I remember playing Pong: two lines, a circle, and a lame wheel controller. Now a days you have Xbox games that look better than movies. Still, not all memories are good. There were some truly terrible games that I've played over the years. Here are 5 of the worst.
I don't know what sadistic psychopath invented this game but I hope he's behind bars. I played this game once at the local video arcade, (if you are too young to know what that is, ask an old dude in his 30's). In the first level, naked people are chained to a dungeon wall. There are other body parts and tortured people in the room as well. The point of the game is to murder them by shooting them repeatedly as they scream. That's it. I played it for a few seconds and then threw up. Not figuratively, literally. It's the video game equivalent of a snuff film. I can understand that there are psycho video game designers out there that might create a game like this, but what shocks me is that it was actually made. Some company funded this game and paid to create video game machines with expensive gun controllers. It's a messed up world we live in.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
How could a game about Raider possibly suck? Well, this one did. It came out for the Atari 2600 in 1982 as a tie-in with the movie. You controlled a 6 pixel Indy as he fought snakes and crap with his whip while searching for the lost ark. The problem was that it was glitchy as hell. Every one I knew fell off a cliff and was stuck on a ledge forever. The only way out was to kill yourself. Not a good message to send to a 5 year old, Lucas. Even though Indiana Jones is one of the greatest film heroes of all time, none of the Indy games have been very good. Lucas, you owe my mom $59.
Beavis and Butthead
How can a game starring two of the stupidest characters ever created be this complicated? The game's plot involves the two metalheads attempting to score tickets to a GWAR concert. While I can respect the motivation, I question the execution. In the game you had to go around collecting things and fighting bullies. The problem was that the gameplay was so bad and the instructions so convoluted, that the game was nearly impossible. My stepbrother and I played Beavis and Butthead for 8 solid hours and had to give up when splitting migraines and blinding hate made us stop.
Beat 'Em and Eat'Em
With a name like that, how can you go wrong? We all had that friend growing up who had porn and ninja stars at a really early age because of bad parenting. This friend is the one who owned Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. The game came out for the Atari in 1982. In it you control two naked women who run around at the base of a building. On the roof is a man who is ejaculating yellow (yuck!) colored semen at them. The object was to run back and forth and catch the semen in the women's mouths. At the end, they turned to the screen and licked their lips. Now, I'm no feminist but doesn't that strike you as a bit...misogynistic? Other people thought so. So, the creators of the game made a gender reversed version to pacify critics. In Cathouse Blues you played two naked male prisoners who had to catch drops of breast milk secreted by a witch. Wait...what? Exactly.
In spite of how awful all these games were, I've only ever broken one game cartridge in a rage and that was Superman for the Nintendo 64. I smashed it with a hammer and then backed over it with my mother's car. And the game was a rental! But I wanted to rid the world of its evil so no other kid would have to suffer like I did. The game came out for the N64 as a tie-in for the Superman animated series. Superman had to stop Lex Luthor, blah, blah, but the gameplay was so bad that it was impossible. You could control Superman as he flew around, only the controls were so wonky, he looked like he was a drunk bird or something. The plot was so confusing that after a while you just said, "Screw it. Let Luthor destroy the world and kill Lois. I don't care anymore."
Please log in again. The login page will open in a new tab. After logging in you can close it and return to this page.