Charlize Theron and I Rebound Hard, Twice Just This Morning

In this time of much publicity and ballyhoo surrounding the break off of the engagement between Charlize Theron and Sean Penn, I'd like to take the opportunity to remind everyone not to believe everything they read in our nation's most legitimate journals. Like suggestions that Charlize and I are having deep, sweaty, Hungarian adventures of the flesh up to seven times a day, only taking breaks for electrolytes and to stream Orange Is the New Black on Netflix. Where do they come up with these stories? Seven. Hah, that seems off by at least one.

The point is, private relationships are meant to be just that. Private. And until the day Sean Penn hunts the both of us down and rolls his Sherman tank into the suite at the Red Roof Inn where the maids draw short straws to see who has to change me and Charlize's sheets, I want it to stay discreet. This is my hope. If you do take pictures, please be sure to capture Charlize's near six foot tall statuesque hottie body and my omnipresent smile. It would mean a lot to my mom.