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What I’ve Learned From Twilight

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bill-swift - November 21, 2012

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, the last film in the glitter vamp Twilight epic, broke box office records over the weekend earning a projected 300 million worldwide. The 5 films, based on the four books written by illiterate housewife Stephanie Meyer, have earned over a billion dollars from girls, closeted boys, and the disgruntled boyfriends of both. Now that it is all over, what have we learned from all of this? Surely there is some lesson hidden amongst Stewart's constipated weasel faces and Taylor Lautner's pecs, right? Here is what I learned from the 5 Twilight movies.

I learned that the most important thing in this world is having a boyfriend. It trumps relationship to family, friends, to career, or to life itself. I learned that when weird boys stare at you and then sneak into your room at night to watch you sleep, it isn't creepy stalkerish behavior as long as the guy is really cute. We also found out that if you have premarital sex, you will go crazy and become a murderer. Heck, even if you are married sex is still potentially lethal, so it's best avoided. I found out that vampire bite C-sections are fully covered under the Cullen's health plan. Twilight taught me that Hollywood and millions of readers are fine with a grown man being in love with an infant, (like Lautner's were-Indian's paedophilia "imprint" on Edward and Bella's daughter), because she will be full grown in a couple of years. Mostly, I learned that love conquers all...but only if you are really really good-looking.

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