The Weekly WTF: Kick Alien Ass, Have Diabetes- It’s ‘Captain Novolin’

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bill-swift - May 16, 2014

What do you get when you combine an educational game with a sponsored game? Generally (if you'll excuse our worldly cynicism) the phrase would be a double whammy of shit. Around here, only licensed games have a worse reputation for craptastic.

Or weirdery, in the case of Captain Novolin. Feast your eyes, ears and asses on the world's only damn action adventure game about diabetes. Courtesy of Sculpted Software and the creators of the Novolin brand of insulin.

Bananas are fine, but doughnuts? Don't screw with them.

Now, we all know that some comic dudes were off taking a pee when superpowers were given out. Superman? He can fly, has x-ray vision, all of that good stuff. But then there's Aquaman, who can... talk to effing fish. Which is fine if a dolphin cruises past; those guys are smart and would love an intellectual conversation about art, literature or current events. Anything else would just be telling you that it just ate something slimy and/or shat in the sea, and that's no good to anyone.

Meanwhile, Captain Novolin is really scraping the bottom of the super-barrel. His power, apparently, is timing those regular insulin injections with superhuman precision. Which, of course, gives him the power to punch an array of angry space aliens --all of whom resemble fast food-- right in the face.

Let's not question why a band of intergalactic doughnuts and cookies are invading. Let's not. They're here, they're malevolent and they're sugary. As such, this isn't the kind of situation your average diabetic would want to eff with. But this one's wearing a dickish costume, so he can probably handle it.

Hell yeah.

And handle it he does, through a handful of toontastic sidescrolling levels. There's little combat to be had, it's more of a platforming affair. The presentation may be fairly typical, but the whole ‘collect apples and other healthy snacks while avoiding the marauding doughnuts and candy bars' thing is relatively novel. How many other video games offer handy between-levels tips like:
You need to check your blood sugar four times a day, but you can check it more often if you like.

None, that's how many.

But hell, Captain Novolin isn't meant for us. This is another ballaching slice of edutainment for the wee ones. It's like one of those sex ed flash games, only with impromptu quizzes about insulin instead of dick euphemisms and ‘guess what sore I've got on my balls' questions. Most importantly, though, it's also one of the SNES's most peculiar offerings.

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