Somebody’s Robbing All the Rich Stupid People

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Lex Jurgen - March 17, 2017

If you've got a few coins to your name, you keep it in a bank protected by bullet proof glass and an ex-Samoan wrestler squeezed into an uncomfortably tight private security outfit. The money's not even at the bank. It's virtual and Federally insured and impossible to lose. If you've got a half mill in loose bills and diamonds, the upstairs master bedroom dressing room seems like the security plan of choice.

Somebody is relieving athletes and celebrities in Los Angeles of their poorly protected home stashes. The scores seem incredibly easy. Derek Fisher's five NBA rings. Yasiel Puig's I made it the fuck out of Cuba $300K diamond collection. Kendall Jenner lost a couple hundred grand in personal belongings from her bedroom during a house party. Not a single alarm or witness or even a dog bark in any of these growing number of cases. Jenner's reps can't publicly state "stolen jewelry" because it triggers her half-sister Kim into a Kirkland ice cream tub of Parisian PTSD.

According to TMZ's police sources who work for tips, somebody ripped off Kendall Jenner during her house party the other night. What a drag.

We're told Kendall left at midnight, leaving her friends in the house. When she came back just after 1 AM she discovered her jewelry box was open, and that's when she called the cops.

Our sources say there was absolutely no sign of forced entry and they are certain the thief knew exactly where Kendall kept her bling.

In the old days Mike Brady turned off the lights and politely asked the guilty party to return the bling, no questioned asked. Gay dads have always been the best. Kendall Jenner knows a 911 call is better for insurance claims against inside jobs. You went to high school. The Kardashians went to restitution procedural orientations.

It can't be that simple to fence high end signature designer jewelry let alone sports team championship rings. Though probably easier than having to drive six blocks to a safe deposit box to retrieve that ninety-grand necklace that goes perfect with your shirt for the evening. Nobody is safe anymore. Presell the movie rights. If this turns out to be a wine-soaked Johnny Depp cobbling divorce settlement cash, he's already agreed to play himself.


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